Destroying my Life, Please Help...

[t3slaplug]

So, this is my first thread. I'd just like to express gratitude for this forum, both its members and purpose. I am truly honored to be here posting this. Moderators, please move this thread if it's not in the right place. I'm going to try and keep this somewhat succinct... Also, please note I am typing this on a Saturday morning @ 4:30 am so I apologize in advance if this is a little bit of a jumble. Currently typing this out on a bender of both Adderall and alcohol. If I do not gain control, I believe my mental and physical health will degrade to un-recoverable levels, and I am terrified. Already suffer from depression and anxiety. Everything I have done has been enjoyable and without regret until I uncontrollably abuse/use on a daily basis.

I am currently 24 years old with a long (and somehow silent) history of substance abuse of all sorts. Bisexual. Narcissistic parents paired with only-child syndrome, so yeah, 100% admit I am a total mess. Won't go all-in with my "issues" but definitely internally struggling despite career/life success that I have been able to achieve, somehow. Currently single with way too many hookups... Doing anything I can to actualize/realize/improve upon this with attempts for mental health-related growth, but somehow addiction continues to strangle me from within...

Started with alcohol in my early-to-mid teens, then came weed in 2015. After that came coke (Four 1mo. long periods of binging,) I have abstained since I have been prescribed Adderall for (2) 10mg pills daily, and even a few tabs of acid + shrooms here and there and there on occasion. Currently dependent on Adderall (usage fluctuates due to prescription; it is abused 75% of the time, the record was 230mg in under 36 hours which almost brought me to a psychotic breakdown circa May 2021, alcohol (severely increased usage as of late, 12+ drinks daily, 7 days a week,) Nicotine (1.5 Juul pods daily, equivalent to 1.5 packs of cigarettes,) and caffeine (a dozen cups worth, daily.) Formerly a heavy weed smoker, daily, but managed to abstain since May 2021; usage of everything else has increased through this. Thinking it is for the worse...

I have known of this forum for quite some time and always referenced it regarding my "endeavors" through the usage of numerous substances & combinations. I consider myself lucky in the sense that I was able to build a successful life thus far after dropping out of college; I am currently a network engineer working for an IT firm while also managing an IT-related infrastructure/power business. I do not intend to gloat, but this has been enablement in a sense, and the opposite of true fulfillment. I live on my own by myself in a rather large residence that is owned & being paid off and in addition, I have had the privilege to even experience & own some beautiful automobiles (I'm a car guy) over the past 5 years or so... People enable my behavior due to their general view of American "success" and I realize that I do not have a support network, due to their common lack of understanding about addiction/mental illness/etc... This is why I have finally registered for BlueLight; to hopefully find people that I can work with and even help myself to work through not only these wild times with Covid, but also our own mental health/addictions. I hope to meet people that I can not only relate to but also help in any way that I can through this truly beautiful forum.

Enough of the intro... I have been a trainwreck. 12+ alcoholic drinks a day, 7 days a week, for the past month. Cannot abstain. Mainly White Claws & beer for harm reduction, improving from drinking vodka out of the bottle until blackout/stupor phase, or so I think. Currently being paired with Paxil (consistent 12.5mg script daily) in addition to Adderall (20-50mg dependent on day/mood.) This is taking a toll on my physical health as I am beginning to notice symptoms of liver strain such as Jaundice.

I am hoping to continue using Adderall while saving a decent bit of my script, and also looking to wean off of my alcohol consumption more than ever. I begin to feel "the shakes" around 3pm at work since I refuse to consume alcohol on the job. Anxiety fills my headspace and physical symptoms seem to be settling in, which gives me way more stress/more anxiety. Adderall has certainly been the worst withdrawal; spurring anger and a complete inability to handle adversity for at least 4-5 days.

As of this thread creation, I am on 60mg of Adderall paired with 18 white claws, due to the fact that it is Friday. Finally realizing I am who I am but cannot continue on like this, and if I do, I am going to destroy/ruin my entire life. Close friends have already made comments regarding my physical appearance; I have lost 120lbs in the past 5 years which is excellent health-wise, but am now beginning to look sick/drawn out. Wrinkles/receding hairline/skin coloration due to alcohol... It is terrifying yet I cannot stop; drugs/alcohol provide comfort above all else. It is almost as if I have an ability to think more clearly/rationally/logically while on them or a combination of them. I also understand this could be my own delusion, but I'm sure someone here can understand...

My greatest question for any of you out there who have maybe had experiences similar to mine... How can I confidently start the weaning-off process? Need to try detoxing for about a month due to anxiety/other mental problems that most likely are stemming from chronic abuse of both Adderall and alcohol for months on end. What are the first steps that I can potentially take to regain control of my life? Thank you so much again; I love this forum, its members, and its purpose as well.

 

[n3ophy7e]

@t3slaplug hi and welcome, thank you so much for sharing that all with us. I'm glad you're here. I have a lot to say in response to your post as I am a recovering alcoholic/poly drug addict. However I am literally about to fall asleep and I want to write a proper reply to you, so I'll wait until tomorrow. But I just wanted to say welcome, and I hear you, you're not alone.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i would like to welcome you too. i am also exhausted i'm afraid so will give you some quick pointers and hopefully write more when i get time.

mainly, et help from every avenue you can. drug&alcohol services, counselling services, therapist (sounds like you can afford to go privately and its well worth it), 12 step or other mutual aid programs, rehab if you have the means and can take the time out.

i've been in the same position of on paper having been very succesful but in reality having an epic, escalating drugs problem. i maintained it for years, got a PhD and a good start in my career. but it wasn't sustainable, i lost everything, i'm 3 years in recovery and still rebuilding, some shit i can never get back.

the good thing for you is that you already want to stop before its getting to breaking point. i didn't, i hated myself for being a junkie and in theory i wanted to stop but it hadn't got bad enough for me so i didn't have the strength of desire that comes out so clearly in your post.

you will need to do some hard work on yourself and underlying issues. your substance use is meeting a deep psychological need, you need to address that and find healthy ways to meet it. this is painful. it was fuckng awful for me i went through periods of a few months where i was in tears at the slightest thing. i don't know how i got through clean. but i did.

you also have youth on your side for the health aspect- if you get yourself into recovery now you should be able to make it out physically unscathed.

 

[n3ophy7e]

My greatest question for any of you out there who have maybe had experiences similar to mine... How can I confidently start the weaning-off process? Need to try detoxing for about a month due to anxiety/other mental problems that most likely are stemming from chronic abuse of both Adderall and alcohol for months on end. What are the first steps that I can potentially take to regain control of my life? Thank you so much again; I love this forum, its members, and its purpose as well.

Hi mate, sorry for the delay but I've finally got a chance to give this reply the attention it needs
I've detoxed off very high amounts of alcohol more times than I can remember so I understand how difficult it is. I've never had a problem with stimulant abuse/addiction because I've always steered clear of them due to my anxiety disorders. But I know it is going to be challenging for you.

Firstly, if you are showing physical signs of liver dysfunction such as jaundice, then this situation absolutely 100% NEEDS ATTENTION NOW. So I am very glad you are going to attempt a detox. The liver is extremely resilient and can repair itself to an extent, yes, BUT there is still only so much it can take, and once you have cirrhosis, those parts of the liver that are affected are dead and can never repair. All the substances that you mentioned, alcohol, adderall and paxil are metabolised by the liver so it's no surprise that your liver is under stress. The fact that you are jaundiced is VERY alarming. If you can, I would recommend you get your liver function tested with a blood test asap so you have an idea of the extent of the dysfunction. You are so young so it's both surprising and concerning that you're jaundiced.

You mentioned you've got numerous casual hookups. Do you use condoms? (you don't have to answer this publicly, but it is something to be honest with yourself about). If you don't always practice safe sex there is a chance you have hepatitis. Have you recently been screened for STDs? (again, no need to answer this but if you haven't recently been tested PLEASE go and get checked asap). If you have hepatitis that would explain the jaundice.

Now, on to the actual detoxing part. This is going to be tricky. I would strongly recommend that you do not go cold turkey off BOTH substances at the same time because it's going to be a living nightmare and could actually be medically dangerous. I have a few questions:
1. When you say you're drinking 12+ drinks a day, is that in standard drinks? Or is that the number of cans of drink? If that's the number of cans, the actual number of standard drinks could be much higher.
2. Is it possible that you could get your hands on a small amount of valium to help you detox? Most doctors will prescribe a short course of valium to help with alcohol withdrawals such as shaking, anxiety and potential seizures, because detoxing from alcohol can be very dangerous. I would strongly suggest you seek this out, because coupled with the adderall the anxiety is going to be pretty bad (as you've encountered already).
3. Can you get time off work to detox, and if so, how long?
4. Would you consider a medical detox in a hospital? I've done it more times than I can count, and it is a helluva lot easier than doing it at home because you have absolutely no way of getting booze (considering you stay inpatient and don't discharge yourself).

If you feel that you have the strength/will power to do it, could you try and taper off both substances at the same time? I am sure you realise this but the amount of adderall you're taking is increasing your anxiety, and reducing alcohol is also going to significantly increase your anxiety. But the alcohol is by far doing the worst damage to your liver, so it should be a priority to wean off the booze asap. However to avoid crippling anxiety you should try and reduce your adderall intake as well. Honestly mate the more I think about it, the more I am thinking that you really should speak to a doctor about doing this before trying. It's a complicated situation.

Let me know your thoughts.

 

[VerbalTruist]

@n3ophy7e said it well. If you can do this with medical assitance, you really should consider that route.

 

[nethanpaul86]

@n3ophy7e answered quite correctly. You seek professional help if you want to go for this. From a philosophical point, I’d say don’t be so unhappy and disappointed in life. When we have life, we have hope. You are not alone in this. Look around you’ll find many people with even worse cases than yours. So just treat yourself properly, eat healthily and be hopeful.