she was so opposed to it that she insulted me, called me a liar, said i was a piece of shit junkie. As I had said before, Russians do not understand moderation, only all or nothing. After we walked out with my scripts in hand, my wife told me she was going to east Jerusalem to buy meds she needed that are not controlled substances here. she speaks Arabic, and so she enjoys the Muslim community here as do I, despite not knowing Arabic.
I walked out into the white-grey-yellow sky and watched the sand and dust blow and my breathing becoming harder and harder. I have poor lungs from smoking and from having asthma as a child; i still get seasonal bronchitis that is harsh for me.The dust storm or sandstorm was harsher than any i experienced in my native Texas.
My wife had angrily left me alone and said she was sick of seeing me high and I should go fuck myself. I wandered the streets of Jerusalem in the storm to a pharmacy and filled my Tramadol and Percocet; taking 400 miligrammes Tramadol and 50 miligrams oxycodone with 275mg of naproxen and 100 miligrammes diphenhydramine for potentiation. I swallowed the handful with a water chaser and drifted along the side of the train tracks to get back to my location. For whatever reason, i always get motion sickness on opiates and last time i was nauseated on the train I vomited in front of the whole passenger car, so this time I decided to walk home.
I was drifting as the hit came on and got me nodding hard as I walked. I prayed to God and asked him to help me please, watching the blotted out sky and thinking of nuclear holocaust as my lungs labored to merely breathe in the thick, dusty air.
I had a gut feeling bad things were coming.
When I got home, I walked in to see my wife walk out. I sent her facebook messages and said i would go to look for her. I did, and she told me when i found her that that if i do not quit; she will quit me. I didn't know what to do. aside from 4 days of heroin use in march, I had gone for nearly 3 months without opioid drugs in Rossiya, and was depressed and in pain from my kidney, but she did not care. She hated seeing me depressed when i was sober, and then hated me being drunk or high every night. I told her that I guess she will have to leave me because I cannot quit. I have tried for over a decade to no luck, and the main thing is that simply stated i love Opioids and hate depression and pain. For her, this was weakness.
She followed me back home insulting me, and was chatting to some guy on FB. A girl who looks like her will always have constant bullshit to deal with, so naturally she can go pick someone else if she so desires. She claimed it was a friend, but i saw her delete all her history for internet and delete all FB messages she had. Several times when she was angry at me for using, she would got to other people like her ex. The conversations were sexual. She deleted it or took the phone out of my hand and then did it. The last time I saw this I dumped her quicker than your first dope shit while kicking. She begged me to stay with her crying, offering anything to make me stay. I relented and said if she stopped we could make it work. It was after this in July that we started to take pills together and she accepted my use.
That all changed last week and i think it is due to her speaking to her ex again, a militant teetotaler who hates all drugs and alcohol and bad food. for an atheist, he is fairly devout to rules and regulations.
After she said she was leaving and not coming back, I got a call from my Dr. and he informed me that my kidney is blocked again and I needed seriously invasive surgery. I felt sick when he said i would need surgery again.... with my kidney condition re-lapsing and re-blocking (not due to anything I have done like drinking though)... my urologist says the last surgeries were failures and now I can choose to re-do the surgery or do a more invasive surgery. Once again, I feel sick just thinking about it. Catheters, uretal stent implants.... penis, ureter, bladder and kidney pain so excruciating it can barely be described... pissing chunks of blood... a sensation like razor wire being pulled through your urethra... it's what I imagine hell is like. And I have to do it again... thankfully my doctors are treating me properly and adequately... but I'm still profoundly apprehensive. I have a good doctor who speaks english very well and who is intelligent and insightful which is good as most Russian doctors are shitheads, but Dimitry has his head on his shoulders. I have to go due a CT scan and I will have contrast dye injected into my arm to create a 3d image of my kidney. Take it from me... renal colic is a nightmare... this whole condition... terrifying... pray you never need to get surgery for this....
In the wake of my wife leaving me I find out I need shit again... again.... after the call I sat staring outside into the yellow abyss and nodded in and out, a lump of snus (Swedish oral tobacco similar to American "dip"), feeling profoundly depressed.
then my wife came back and yelled at me and insulted me saying I was a pussy. I tell her that the Dr. told me that I have a serious issue and my surgery had been botched in the USA. Now I have to prepare for this again....this horrible, horrifying surgery where I pissed chunks of blood and 20-30 norcos barely cut the pain. And my wife's selfishness in regards to drugs with her morally puritanical back ground drove me into even further despair.
The sun had gradually set and I walked out at dusk, praying in Hebrew, hoping for strength to fight the good fight. I wandered around in the yellow abyss, my soul drifting from my body, my mind drifting from my head, profoundly awash in despair and desolation, the abyssic sandstorm seeping into my opiate drenched soul, my black hole of inner self drifting alone, lost, sickly, an utterly black void sucking in all light and never returning, steeped in misery and pain of mind, soul, body. I cannot blame her for leaving me, but things are as they are and I have to accept them, even as I wander around in this nightmarish world wondering what God's plan is for me....
I walked out into the white-grey-yellow sky and watched the sand and dust blow and my breathing becoming harder and harder. I have poor lungs from smoking and from having asthma as a child; i still get seasonal bronchitis that is harsh for me.The dust storm or sandstorm was harsher than any i experienced in my native Texas.
My wife had angrily left me alone and said she was sick of seeing me high and I should go fuck myself. I wandered the streets of Jerusalem in the storm to a pharmacy and filled my Tramadol and Percocet; taking 400 miligrammes Tramadol and 50 miligrams oxycodone with 275mg of naproxen and 100 miligrammes diphenhydramine for potentiation. I swallowed the handful with a water chaser and drifted along the side of the train tracks to get back to my location. For whatever reason, i always get motion sickness on opiates and last time i was nauseated on the train I vomited in front of the whole passenger car, so this time I decided to walk home.
I was drifting as the hit came on and got me nodding hard as I walked. I prayed to God and asked him to help me please, watching the blotted out sky and thinking of nuclear holocaust as my lungs labored to merely breathe in the thick, dusty air.
I had a gut feeling bad things were coming.
When I got home, I walked in to see my wife walk out. I sent her facebook messages and said i would go to look for her. I did, and she told me when i found her that that if i do not quit; she will quit me. I didn't know what to do. aside from 4 days of heroin use in march, I had gone for nearly 3 months without opioid drugs in Rossiya, and was depressed and in pain from my kidney, but she did not care. She hated seeing me depressed when i was sober, and then hated me being drunk or high every night. I told her that I guess she will have to leave me because I cannot quit. I have tried for over a decade to no luck, and the main thing is that simply stated i love Opioids and hate depression and pain. For her, this was weakness.
She followed me back home insulting me, and was chatting to some guy on FB. A girl who looks like her will always have constant bullshit to deal with, so naturally she can go pick someone else if she so desires. She claimed it was a friend, but i saw her delete all her history for internet and delete all FB messages she had. Several times when she was angry at me for using, she would got to other people like her ex. The conversations were sexual. She deleted it or took the phone out of my hand and then did it. The last time I saw this I dumped her quicker than your first dope shit while kicking. She begged me to stay with her crying, offering anything to make me stay. I relented and said if she stopped we could make it work. It was after this in July that we started to take pills together and she accepted my use.
That all changed last week and i think it is due to her speaking to her ex again, a militant teetotaler who hates all drugs and alcohol and bad food. for an atheist, he is fairly devout to rules and regulations.
After she said she was leaving and not coming back, I got a call from my Dr. and he informed me that my kidney is blocked again and I needed seriously invasive surgery. I felt sick when he said i would need surgery again.... with my kidney condition re-lapsing and re-blocking (not due to anything I have done like drinking though)... my urologist says the last surgeries were failures and now I can choose to re-do the surgery or do a more invasive surgery. Once again, I feel sick just thinking about it. Catheters, uretal stent implants.... penis, ureter, bladder and kidney pain so excruciating it can barely be described... pissing chunks of blood... a sensation like razor wire being pulled through your urethra... it's what I imagine hell is like. And I have to do it again... thankfully my doctors are treating me properly and adequately... but I'm still profoundly apprehensive. I have a good doctor who speaks english very well and who is intelligent and insightful which is good as most Russian doctors are shitheads, but Dimitry has his head on his shoulders. I have to go due a CT scan and I will have contrast dye injected into my arm to create a 3d image of my kidney. Take it from me... renal colic is a nightmare... this whole condition... terrifying... pray you never need to get surgery for this....
In the wake of my wife leaving me I find out I need shit again... again.... after the call I sat staring outside into the yellow abyss and nodded in and out, a lump of snus (Swedish oral tobacco similar to American "dip"), feeling profoundly depressed.
then my wife came back and yelled at me and insulted me saying I was a pussy. I tell her that the Dr. told me that I have a serious issue and my surgery had been botched in the USA. Now I have to prepare for this again....this horrible, horrifying surgery where I pissed chunks of blood and 20-30 norcos barely cut the pain. And my wife's selfishness in regards to drugs with her morally puritanical back ground drove me into even further despair.
The sun had gradually set and I walked out at dusk, praying in Hebrew, hoping for strength to fight the good fight. I wandered around in the yellow abyss, my soul drifting from my body, my mind drifting from my head, profoundly awash in despair and desolation, the abyssic sandstorm seeping into my opiate drenched soul, my black hole of inner self drifting alone, lost, sickly, an utterly black void sucking in all light and never returning, steeped in misery and pain of mind, soul, body. I cannot blame her for leaving me, but things are as they are and I have to accept them, even as I wander around in this nightmarish world wondering what God's plan is for me....