As I sit down to write this I wonder were to even start...
So I guess I'll start with the basics of life:
Living situation: Well my parents kicked my brother out. That was a shock and a half but perhaps it is better in the long run.
Work: Oh GOD. 2 week check for $45 dollars, it is spent and more (credit) before I get it. I don't know why they are doing this to me. A times I just want to cry. I can't pay the bills, wracking up credit I'll maybe never pay off. Not to mention student loans. I don't know what to consider on how to get SOME income. But in 8 resumes yesterday. PLEASE SOMEONE call me. It is SO hard to write this without crying. I can't live my life without money.
Drugs: Drugs were a little to blame. But not totally. Driving a half hour to work for 3 hours of work for $8 an hour. Won't cut it for anyone. Plus driving a hour round trip to school 2 times a week, and trying to see Sean because he still can't drive, 45 min 1 way.
I picked the wrong time to get into oxy and meth. $$$ But I can't afford it, so it's been 5 days sober and I guess I'm alright. It would be nice to have SOMETHING to take SOME of the depression away. It's bad.
Relationship: Well, Sean is broke too. Can't afford the car insurance or to fix the car to drive even though all the OWI stuff is oked. Plus still no job. He is looking for stuff he has he doesn't need to sell. That is a horrible place to be in.
I find myself being able to spend less time with him because of homework and money to get there...I DO NOT want to lose the person that is my rock, supporting me over and over until I can be ok. Just because of this BULLSHIT. I'm out of options and there I go nearly crying again. FUCK, I'm not gonna cry damn it.
School: Oh holy hell. I'm SO many assignments behind. I filled the profs. in on the situation and they are being VERY understanding. Thank god for psych. profs. But I'm still busting my ass to catch up to show I CARE. I can't seem to get caught up. And I don't want to do it when I'm with Sean and have him feel neglected when we have such little time together! The stress from my social work class just is through the fucking roof!
Mental Status: Oh hell. The meds aren't kicking in. I'm a mess. I hope my friend calls at night so I can go there and no be alone. I'm suicidal SO much of the time. And therapy, fuck we can't afford that shit. Hopefully the meds will be enough, they were before I believe. The stress just builds and builds and builds and all these demands, I just wanna say FUCK THIS, I'm out. I don't want to have to do this ANYMORE!
I actually went and got a rope the other day. Did nothing but look at it. Idk, maybe there is something in me that I want to live. 3 attempts and no success.... Maybe I'm praying the meds will work. Or maybe I can't do that to Sean, I just can't hurt him like that! He barely speaks about it. But when he does he says that he worries and how much that would hurt him.
He has never said it, and I start to wonder (BPD) after almost 7 months, that he loves me....I tell him. But you know what, I believe he does, he just can't say it.
I feel so alone in my pain sometimes. The emotional pain becomes a heavy hurtful pain in my chest that I cannot even describe.
I went to the family doc. to see if she would give me some k-pins to get me through until I can see the psych dr. (I bet me will tell me "deal with it" in no some many words, shouldn't have gone off the mood stablizers!). But she did. Thank god. I think she gave me 1mg and I usually get .5 but hell I'll take it if it helps enough that I can FUNCTION enough to do homework.
General Health: My foot still is giving me trouble. I see the dr on the 3rd about the cyst in the bone. I have heard, "needle in bone to drain." WHat?! NO!
I'm ok with needles, I crave them at times, and even more so lately...maybe if I get a good job .
(NO BAD LESLIE! I know.)
But in the bone?! They better knock me out and give me pain meds or I will freak the fuck out.
Any ideas on what to say???
I'm already on Tramadol and Fioricet for severe headaches. I can't use those. I have them for a reason. (Yeah, I know I can abuse them to. I'm a horrible person sometimes.)
I had a friend share his hydrocodone with me last night. I guess he figured I needed a break and some pain relief. I FINALLY worked and then it made my feet (yes both now) worse.
We were to watch a movie but I hadn't seen him so we just ended up talking.
Apparently a girl I know, whos bf was trying to get with me and we told her and she accused me of lying and whatever. Got fired for stealign $200 last night. For what? Meth. She really needs to wake the fuck up!
Lets see alll together... work, broke/money, pain, mental status down the tubes...yeah that covers it for now I guess. Yeah generally feeling like a waste of oxygen and space.
Not as bad as when I was a kid, but bad and know I'm more aware of what is actually going on...
So I guess I'll start with the basics of life:
Living situation: Well my parents kicked my brother out. That was a shock and a half but perhaps it is better in the long run.
Work: Oh GOD. 2 week check for $45 dollars, it is spent and more (credit) before I get it. I don't know why they are doing this to me. A times I just want to cry. I can't pay the bills, wracking up credit I'll maybe never pay off. Not to mention student loans. I don't know what to consider on how to get SOME income. But in 8 resumes yesterday. PLEASE SOMEONE call me. It is SO hard to write this without crying. I can't live my life without money.
Drugs: Drugs were a little to blame. But not totally. Driving a half hour to work for 3 hours of work for $8 an hour. Won't cut it for anyone. Plus driving a hour round trip to school 2 times a week, and trying to see Sean because he still can't drive, 45 min 1 way.
I picked the wrong time to get into oxy and meth. $$$ But I can't afford it, so it's been 5 days sober and I guess I'm alright. It would be nice to have SOMETHING to take SOME of the depression away. It's bad.
Relationship: Well, Sean is broke too. Can't afford the car insurance or to fix the car to drive even though all the OWI stuff is oked. Plus still no job. He is looking for stuff he has he doesn't need to sell. That is a horrible place to be in.
I find myself being able to spend less time with him because of homework and money to get there...I DO NOT want to lose the person that is my rock, supporting me over and over until I can be ok. Just because of this BULLSHIT. I'm out of options and there I go nearly crying again. FUCK, I'm not gonna cry damn it.
School: Oh holy hell. I'm SO many assignments behind. I filled the profs. in on the situation and they are being VERY understanding. Thank god for psych. profs. But I'm still busting my ass to catch up to show I CARE. I can't seem to get caught up. And I don't want to do it when I'm with Sean and have him feel neglected when we have such little time together! The stress from my social work class just is through the fucking roof!
Mental Status: Oh hell. The meds aren't kicking in. I'm a mess. I hope my friend calls at night so I can go there and no be alone. I'm suicidal SO much of the time. And therapy, fuck we can't afford that shit. Hopefully the meds will be enough, they were before I believe. The stress just builds and builds and builds and all these demands, I just wanna say FUCK THIS, I'm out. I don't want to have to do this ANYMORE!
I actually went and got a rope the other day. Did nothing but look at it. Idk, maybe there is something in me that I want to live. 3 attempts and no success.... Maybe I'm praying the meds will work. Or maybe I can't do that to Sean, I just can't hurt him like that! He barely speaks about it. But when he does he says that he worries and how much that would hurt him.
He has never said it, and I start to wonder (BPD) after almost 7 months, that he loves me....I tell him. But you know what, I believe he does, he just can't say it.
I feel so alone in my pain sometimes. The emotional pain becomes a heavy hurtful pain in my chest that I cannot even describe.
I went to the family doc. to see if she would give me some k-pins to get me through until I can see the psych dr. (I bet me will tell me "deal with it" in no some many words, shouldn't have gone off the mood stablizers!). But she did. Thank god. I think she gave me 1mg and I usually get .5 but hell I'll take it if it helps enough that I can FUNCTION enough to do homework.
General Health: My foot still is giving me trouble. I see the dr on the 3rd about the cyst in the bone. I have heard, "needle in bone to drain." WHat?! NO!
I'm ok with needles, I crave them at times, and even more so lately...maybe if I get a good job .
(NO BAD LESLIE! I know.)
But in the bone?! They better knock me out and give me pain meds or I will freak the fuck out.
Any ideas on what to say???
I'm already on Tramadol and Fioricet for severe headaches. I can't use those. I have them for a reason. (Yeah, I know I can abuse them to. I'm a horrible person sometimes.)
I had a friend share his hydrocodone with me last night. I guess he figured I needed a break and some pain relief. I FINALLY worked and then it made my feet (yes both now) worse.
We were to watch a movie but I hadn't seen him so we just ended up talking.
Apparently a girl I know, whos bf was trying to get with me and we told her and she accused me of lying and whatever. Got fired for stealign $200 last night. For what? Meth. She really needs to wake the fuck up!
Lets see alll together... work, broke/money, pain, mental status down the tubes...yeah that covers it for now I guess. Yeah generally feeling like a waste of oxygen and space.
Not as bad as when I was a kid, but bad and know I'm more aware of what is actually going on...
