Desperately Seeking Advice

[RollinOnACoaster]

Well, i've been very hesitant about posting this, and it's taken a lot of thinking about how I would post this and how exactly to go about it. I really dont know what this will come out sounding like, but problems are much better out in the open for myself than kept inside.

Welp, for ten years i've been dealing very heavily with mental illness. It had ruined much of my life for the past nine, as I had continually repressed my emotions so I could stop thinking about how much I utterly despised myself. I attempted suicide several times, and gladly due to my inexperience as a child and relative badness at doing anything, I failed. It took me many visits to a psychologist to get me to accept that I was a being who was worthy of living, and i've struggled day to day since that young age until a few months ago. During that time, due to my naivety, all I really used as a release was excessive drinking, as I knew of no other alternatives available to me. This is all just some psychological background, I guess more of a prelude, so i'll jump in to the real stuff.

For the past year, I have been bounced around between medical specialists, all trying to figure out my medical problems. Several years ago, I started feeling pain whenever I would move, and it only increased over the day, there was no reprieve. It was tolerable, if a continual wear on my sanity, until about one year ago when I experienced a bout of paralysis in my legs for a half hour. Aside from being freaked out, as a still relatively young child that I was paralysed temporarily, the pain surged into a whole new level. It got to the point where I couldn't stand being awake and active at all, and through doctors visists I was eventually given a prescription to Tramadol. Now, yes, being relatively weak it wasn't very effective at the dosage given, and I very quickly had to increase the amount I took to get over the pain. Recently, i've been having muscle movements I cant contol, my doctor telling me it's Myoclonus, and sending me off to another doctor to check that out. I can barely sleep, and if my body starts moving on its own, I cannot at all. I'm in constant pain, and with these seizures, somewhat, they're the most painful thing i've experienced. These seizures have been present since the start of my symptoms from years ago, but have recently amped up in intensity. Between my doctors(as i saw them each as an emergency the day after the worst of my bouts, six hours long), it's been declared neurological and unrealted to the tramadol.

I tried MDMA a few months ago, and that helped my mental problems fade, and has made me a lot better of a person for it. I live a good life, honestly, aside from this disease, or syndrome, or whatever that is robbing me of my ability to function as a human being.

What do I do here? I need heavier drugs to take my pain away, but I wont be seeing another doctor for a while, and have no painkillers as my last one took me off of them. I'm keeping it away from those around me, especially the person i'm in a relationship with, just how much this is tearing me up. The seizures very literally make me want to die as an alternative to feeling them, which scares me.

I'm just completely out of ideas, and i've never been out of ideas before. I need help, and I feel like this is a good place to get some advice on what I can do to save myself. I don't want to lose those around me, but if I lose myself, i'll lose them anyway. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Thank you for reading me, if you've gotten all the way through. I appreciate it, and appreciate all of you who are even taking the time to read my 1st world problems whine.


TL;DR: In constant, unexplainable and very intense pain, and needs an escape from it.

 

[traybuck]

I'm not a doctor and I know this might sound far fetched but my aunt was diagnosed with Polio and its not common at all but alot of your symptoms sound like what my aunt is going threw.. and it also sounds like a touch of Fibermyalega prob not spelled right but just a thought to ya.. Hope they find out whats wrong and can atleast try and make you comfortable.. Best of Luck..

 

[morpher001]

Declared neurological? Is that their way of saying they don't know or its in your head, or did they actually diagnose you with something?

Have you tried a physio or a chiro, could it be like a pinched nerve or something?

Hope you get better soon

 

[v4lium]

You have to keep going to the doctors and face your problems head-on with a clear mind, using opiates to cure a mental illness isn't the way to go as I've found out for myself many times...It just makes the symptoms hit twice as hard when you're out of pills. And no matter how rich you are or how much you put into your habit you'll still never have enough pills and running out is inevitable, you can't avoid it. One pill is too much and a thousand never enough, You don't need heavier drugs you need the right medication for whatever is wrong with you and I know it takes time but in the end it will be worth it to wait it out, trust me, as one fucked in the head man to another, progressing up the drug ladder is not a productive pursuit and will only end in more pain than you already have..and if it turns out you need painkillers then follow the label and don't take more than you need.