desensitive. (critique at will)

[Raz]

Do you remember how it felt, that first time in a dimly lit room when he said;

"sex doesn't have to be penetration"

;and the floor was too dirty and the walls smelled like old cum, and he wasn't even that attractive really - sunken cheeks, skin like leather, wired crazy. But he carried himself like he was going to fuck you, and if he wasn't going to fuck you then you wanted to know what he was planning...you were curious.
Curiosity became all there was.

Do you remember when it stopped being taboo? Do you remember when that tweak of revulsion just stopped being there, and the first time you called him Sir and didn't feel even slightly self-conscious?

You probably don't.

True submission isn't something that comes on suddenly, it crawls along with the need to please and the piss on your chin - it creeps in with every rope burn and wears away your defences. It makes lust stronger than identity, it makes lust all there is.
Submission becomes all there is.

Do you remember when it was no longer fun? It stopped being a thrill, it stopped being what you want.

Everything has stopped being what you want. But you still do it anyway.

Rubber and leather smell like air to you, and you've stopped fingering the cigar burns. Nothing means desire to you. Nothing is revolting. You've found your middle ground and bland non-acceptance.
You're desensitive and that's all there is.

Desensitive is all there is.


******************

I like the gist of this, but I think it needs tweaking....any constructive criticism welcome..

 

[(Wordy)]

I think you're tapping into territory that's ripe to be written about - the kind of subject matter which we need poetry / literature to lead us into (out of the usual comfort zone for most people).

I like the way you've written in the second person. I think that suits the subject matter, and has a lot of potential.

This passage is really evocative:

the floor was too dirty and the walls smelled like old cum, and he wasn't even that attractive really - sunken cheeks, skin like leather, wired crazy. But he carried himself like he was going to fuck you, and if he wasn't going to fuck you then you wanted to know what he was planning...you were curious.

I think the piece as a whole needs to be confronting. It is confronting as it stands, but I think you can (and should) make it more so. You could probably achieve this by sticking to 'showing' as opposed to 'telling', and avoiding generalised overstatements like "Curiosity became all there was" and "Desensitive is all there is". I understand that you've structured the piece around this style of phrasing, but I don't think it's really working properly - at least, not all the time. If I were you I'd stick to telling the story through specific situations, employing sensory detail to conjure scenes in the reader's mind. You're doing this in the passage I quoted above, and also here:

Rubber and leather smell like air to you, and you've stopped fingering the cigar burns. Nothing means desire to you. Nothing is revolting.

I think the general statements (e.g. "Nothing means desire to you") are working better here, because they're contextualised by the specific situations and sensory details you describe. Whereas in other parts of the piece, these general abstractions are following on from other abstractions. This is certainly true of the ending (the last 3 sentences):

You've found your middle ground and bland non-acceptance.
You're desensitive and that's all there is.

Desensitive is all there is.

This kind of abstraction is probably best used sparingly. Unless it's woven tightly into the narrative, and/or paired with concrete imagery, I don't think this kind of bare abstraction can really cut through and be confronting.

Hope this is helpful...

 

[Raz]

I think I know what you mean...like it goes from being directly personally involving to being more of a discussion about the concepts behind it all and loses the intensity?

I don't know if I explained that properly, but I do think I know where you're coming from...thanks for the detailed analysis, it helps me find a direction to head down..

 

[(Wordy)]

I think I know what you mean...like it goes from being directly personally involving to being more of a discussion about the concepts behind it all and loses the intensity?

Yeah that's pretty much what I mean. Sorry if I wasn't very clear! I think I was getting bogged down in concepts myself...