depths

[hoopyfrood]

In your presence; around you,
Sails have always been high.
Sweeping atop the vibrant waves,
A speckless ship,
A muscle, too.

Beating away, flowing away, pounding.

Nothing slows this boat,
Not even a large gash among the hull
can anger this commodore.
For your smile and your touch,
Keep this organ alfoat.

Pumping away, a minor strain, no matter.

Gash forgotten, contentedness there,
Along comes a storm,
revealing scars and opening them,
rocks gaining along the bow,
this vessel supports a tear.

slowing down, water in, vivacity out.

in the engine comes a flutter,
a pain shoots up the captain's arm,
water flowing in like blood from a wound,
the ship comes to a hault,
with no sound from the rutter.

stopping, oozing, deflating, sinking.

Repair the hull!
Sew the broken pieces back together!
alas, it is too late.
the ship is decending to the depths,
eternal to the ocean's lull.

insignificant, crushed by the abysmal pitch, lifeless.

damned to the floors and rotting away,
Your voice, your beauty,
once the displaced water holding me,
now the weight bearing down upon me.
pressing me where, forever, I stay.

yet somehow,
out of the anguish, dispair, and misery,
ascends desire, need, and hope.
it rises to the top and above the waves,
once again, only to be drown.

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[New]

Beautiful. Almost made me tear up.

 

[(Wordy)]

I really like how you set this up in the opening stanza:

In your presence; around you,
Sails have always been high.
Sweeping atop the vibrant waves,
A speckless ship,
A muscle, too.

 

[hoopyfrood]

thanks for your nice comments. too bad this forum isn't as popular.

I was thinking of changing life raft to vessel. it has a better connotation to what I was aiming for... though life raft is also representative of another thing I was trying to do.

what do you guys think?

 

[lostNfound]

this was seriously awesome.


If I ever own a boat I'm naming it Saltheart or Foamfollower, yes i stole that from a book i read

Re changing life raft to vessel.
I probably would change it if i were you.
As you mentioned in the first stanza that you were on a ship.

I can't see where went overboard and ended up in the life raft

Great work nonetheless.

 

[Mehm]

they cycle of life certainly is impressive. very nice

 

[hoopyfrood]

Re changing life raft to vessel.
I probably would change it if i were you.
As you mentioned in the first stanza that you were on a ship.

I can't see where went overboard and ended up in the life raft

Ah yes. I changed it. I was thinking maybe the 'grandness' of the 'ship' would diminish as the poem continued, but that's a little too subtle, probably.

Vessel works as a better connotation for my heart than life raft, too.


~Thanks