Today I am very down in the dumps. I just want to crawl under my covers in bed and not come out-ever.
I'm feeling sad, depressed, and want to just give up on life, and I can't even get high (which is probably a good thing, in the end). I almost asked to go up to 80/mg today, but I knew I was really just wanting to feel high today so I didn't ask to go up.
I was late to the clinc (based on my routine that I've been building these last three weeks) because my boyfriend didn't wake up and go to his clinic until 6am and he wasn't back until 6:40am. Now that he's working at a labor ready type place he decided that my routine doesn't mean shit. My routine was helping ME; it was helping me feel on the ball. It was helping get me out of bed every morning and be dressed and have breakfast cooking when my children woke up. It was helping me feel better about myself. But he didn't care about any of that. He doesn't understand how this little thing could mean so much to me.
And I am being selfish. And mean. Or so I'm told.
Maybe I am being too over dramatic about this. I just don't understand why, if he doesn't have to be to work until 8am (or sometimes later) why I couldn't keep my routine going-alarm goes off at 6am, I get up and dressed and out the door by 6:15am, go dose and am back by 6:40am, giving me time to smoke with my coffee, use the toilet and then wake the girls up (if they haven't woken up naturally by then). I don't understand why he can't accept that something as little as that routine is important to me. So what if it's not important to him. I'm trying to do this whole recovery thing and when he doesn't support the little things that I'm finding helps, it hurts. Routines and staying busy helps me not use.
Before he decided to actually go accept jobs at this labor ready type temp job center, he was staying in bed until at least 8am (sometimes later) each morning while I rocked my mornings. For me to function well and have a happy clear head, I need to get myself up early and go do something; I need to have a purpose or goal for the day. Before I decided to hop on the MMT train, my boyfriend did first and we talked about what that would look like. We both agreed that he would wake up early, before the girls got up, and go dose so he could be helping me with the girls' morning routine. This was important to me because in the past (and remember, we've been together almost 11 years) I know how long he can stay in bed. He can stay in bed for HOURS after I wake up and start the day with the girls. And with him moving into MY apartment and us trying to save and build this relationship AGAIN (for the third time) I knew the things that would trigger me and cause me to want to use, or blow up and get angry and fight. And I didn't want that. I wanted this time to be different. I thought we were both ready to change... But that never happened. So when I started my program, I decided that I would set my goal of being up that early each morning (because really, my clinic stays open until 12:30 during the week, so I could have slept in as much as I wanted to and still dose each day), and focus on what I could be doing to better myself and just accepted that he was going to still be in bed until after my oldest left for school.
He acts like this should be no big deal, and he's probably right. It probably shouldn't be a big deal. I should just adjust to dosing whenever he gets back. And maybe if he had some rhyme or reason to when he wakes up and leaves, maybe it would be easier for me to adjust. BUT there is NO routine there-one day he could wake up at when his alarm first goes off at 5:45am and actually be out the door and at his clinic when they open at 6am, dose and be back by 6:15 and other days he will hit snooze on his alarm a few times, before actually getting up and, sloth like, get ready to go and then be back by 6:45/7am. There is no consistency there. And yes, I'm probably being pretty petty about all this. But FUCK this is MY apartment that I let him live in.
Yes, they are petty stupid things, but when I moved out I gained the right to have rules in my home. These little things play a big part in my mental stability. Without them I feel chaotic and restless and want to use to dull the chaos that I feel. I know that children thrive on routine and stability, and you know what? So do I! I thrive on my routine! I'm happier keeping with it and am able to set other goals because my morning routine allows me to get all the little things done and have time to focus on bigger things. I have more energy too. With raising children it's important for me to raise them right (whatever that means)-for me to show them it's important to clean the house, to learn how to cook, to have manners, to not depend on the tv to fill up the hours in the day...my kids are already going to have the deck stacked against them with addiction running deep on both sides of their parents so I think it's important to show them what stability looks like. What responsibility looks like. What normality looks like (and I say that in reference to drug use vs non drug use). Is that so bad? Because my boyfriend makes me feel like I'm a fucking nut job for wanting all that.
And now the fights are back. This morning was spent yelling at each other and fighting. Another reason I moved out of the house was to keep my girls away from our fighting. I don't want that happening in my apartment. We fought for so long, so loud and so mean when we lived together that I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't fair to our girls. And whenever I would ask him to leave so we could NOT be fighting in front of the girls, he never would. So now I'm stuck in this shitty position...AGAIN...
When we first started hanging out again I was really trying to keep my temper in check. I was really tying to accept him and to move on and allow everything that happened in the past stay in the past. And we were doing a good job together. We talked about what we both needed and he accepted what I needed and I did the same for him. I told him I needed him to be honest with me, 100% because in the past he's lied to me, over and over again, and I couldn't accept lying. I told him that without trust there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. I also told him that I needed to be with someone who could find happiness. I wanted someone who wasn't depressed all the time. When I look into someone's eyes I want to see light, not dark and with my boyfriend his eyes have always been filled with sadness, depression and hopelessness. And that is scary. I don't want to send the rest of my life with someone who can't find happiness. Well, when we got back together he did smile! And the smile in his eyes lead me to believe that we could be happy together! I believed that we could finally laugh and joke together, and roll around and be silly with each other and enjoy life. I didn't realize that the heroin he was bringing over for us to smoke had a HUGE role in this...
...he refuses to accept that when we first started hanging out again, and everything was so amazing between us, heroin had a major role in that. I can see it crystal clear now as hindsight is 20/20-the heroin we were smoking caused me to feel euphoria and acceptance and a warm glow. I was able to forget about all sorts of small things because, everything was just fine and dandy in the fog of heroin intoxication. He doesn't think that had anything to do with his smiles in his eyes and his ability to do things and be happy with the mundane life we live right now. He swears up and down heroin had nothing to do with his happiness...but yet, now he's walking around with a deep sadness back in his eyes. He's lied to me and not kept his word. And he tells me that the reason the smile has left his eyes and his face is because I have pulled away from him. Our sex life is just about non-existent once again. And that's why he's sad...
...but on my side I've pulled away from him because of the lies that I caught him in. I've pulled away from him because of the lack of employment that he promised me was changing in August (and now it's October...and he's only worked two days since we've been back together). I've pulled away because without the heroin fog I see clearly now. I see that he's not willing to better himself and change. I see that those smiles in his eyes were him being high. I see that the things that are important to me aren't important to him.. How am I suppose to keep smiling and sleeping with him when we're so clearly different in our hopes and dreams for life.
And now here I am, after writing this post, thinking to myself that maybe it is me that is the problem. Maybe I have been too hard on him. And maybe I should just run away and disappear and they would be so much better without me. Of course I would NEVER do that. EVER. But I do think about it. And that's what has been on my mind all morning since the fight...that I just want to disappear. But my children are so important to me. I'm just so tired...so so tired...
And more than anything I want a partner who will pull me up instead of drag me down. I want a partner who has the same goals in life, who has goals in life! I want a partner who supports me as I support him. I want a partner I can trust. And on top of that, I wish my current boyfriend, the father of my children, was that partner...but he's not and it saddens me....
I'm feeling sad, depressed, and want to just give up on life, and I can't even get high (which is probably a good thing, in the end). I almost asked to go up to 80/mg today, but I knew I was really just wanting to feel high today so I didn't ask to go up.
I was late to the clinc (based on my routine that I've been building these last three weeks) because my boyfriend didn't wake up and go to his clinic until 6am and he wasn't back until 6:40am. Now that he's working at a labor ready type place he decided that my routine doesn't mean shit. My routine was helping ME; it was helping me feel on the ball. It was helping get me out of bed every morning and be dressed and have breakfast cooking when my children woke up. It was helping me feel better about myself. But he didn't care about any of that. He doesn't understand how this little thing could mean so much to me.
And I am being selfish. And mean. Or so I'm told.
Maybe I am being too over dramatic about this. I just don't understand why, if he doesn't have to be to work until 8am (or sometimes later) why I couldn't keep my routine going-alarm goes off at 6am, I get up and dressed and out the door by 6:15am, go dose and am back by 6:40am, giving me time to smoke with my coffee, use the toilet and then wake the girls up (if they haven't woken up naturally by then). I don't understand why he can't accept that something as little as that routine is important to me. So what if it's not important to him. I'm trying to do this whole recovery thing and when he doesn't support the little things that I'm finding helps, it hurts. Routines and staying busy helps me not use.
Before he decided to actually go accept jobs at this labor ready type temp job center, he was staying in bed until at least 8am (sometimes later) each morning while I rocked my mornings. For me to function well and have a happy clear head, I need to get myself up early and go do something; I need to have a purpose or goal for the day. Before I decided to hop on the MMT train, my boyfriend did first and we talked about what that would look like. We both agreed that he would wake up early, before the girls got up, and go dose so he could be helping me with the girls' morning routine. This was important to me because in the past (and remember, we've been together almost 11 years) I know how long he can stay in bed. He can stay in bed for HOURS after I wake up and start the day with the girls. And with him moving into MY apartment and us trying to save and build this relationship AGAIN (for the third time) I knew the things that would trigger me and cause me to want to use, or blow up and get angry and fight. And I didn't want that. I wanted this time to be different. I thought we were both ready to change... But that never happened. So when I started my program, I decided that I would set my goal of being up that early each morning (because really, my clinic stays open until 12:30 during the week, so I could have slept in as much as I wanted to and still dose each day), and focus on what I could be doing to better myself and just accepted that he was going to still be in bed until after my oldest left for school.
He acts like this should be no big deal, and he's probably right. It probably shouldn't be a big deal. I should just adjust to dosing whenever he gets back. And maybe if he had some rhyme or reason to when he wakes up and leaves, maybe it would be easier for me to adjust. BUT there is NO routine there-one day he could wake up at when his alarm first goes off at 5:45am and actually be out the door and at his clinic when they open at 6am, dose and be back by 6:15 and other days he will hit snooze on his alarm a few times, before actually getting up and, sloth like, get ready to go and then be back by 6:45/7am. There is no consistency there. And yes, I'm probably being pretty petty about all this. But FUCK this is MY apartment that I let him live in.
Yes, they are petty stupid things, but when I moved out I gained the right to have rules in my home. These little things play a big part in my mental stability. Without them I feel chaotic and restless and want to use to dull the chaos that I feel. I know that children thrive on routine and stability, and you know what? So do I! I thrive on my routine! I'm happier keeping with it and am able to set other goals because my morning routine allows me to get all the little things done and have time to focus on bigger things. I have more energy too. With raising children it's important for me to raise them right (whatever that means)-for me to show them it's important to clean the house, to learn how to cook, to have manners, to not depend on the tv to fill up the hours in the day...my kids are already going to have the deck stacked against them with addiction running deep on both sides of their parents so I think it's important to show them what stability looks like. What responsibility looks like. What normality looks like (and I say that in reference to drug use vs non drug use). Is that so bad? Because my boyfriend makes me feel like I'm a fucking nut job for wanting all that.
And now the fights are back. This morning was spent yelling at each other and fighting. Another reason I moved out of the house was to keep my girls away from our fighting. I don't want that happening in my apartment. We fought for so long, so loud and so mean when we lived together that I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't fair to our girls. And whenever I would ask him to leave so we could NOT be fighting in front of the girls, he never would. So now I'm stuck in this shitty position...AGAIN...
When we first started hanging out again I was really trying to keep my temper in check. I was really tying to accept him and to move on and allow everything that happened in the past stay in the past. And we were doing a good job together. We talked about what we both needed and he accepted what I needed and I did the same for him. I told him I needed him to be honest with me, 100% because in the past he's lied to me, over and over again, and I couldn't accept lying. I told him that without trust there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. I also told him that I needed to be with someone who could find happiness. I wanted someone who wasn't depressed all the time. When I look into someone's eyes I want to see light, not dark and with my boyfriend his eyes have always been filled with sadness, depression and hopelessness. And that is scary. I don't want to send the rest of my life with someone who can't find happiness. Well, when we got back together he did smile! And the smile in his eyes lead me to believe that we could be happy together! I believed that we could finally laugh and joke together, and roll around and be silly with each other and enjoy life. I didn't realize that the heroin he was bringing over for us to smoke had a HUGE role in this...
...he refuses to accept that when we first started hanging out again, and everything was so amazing between us, heroin had a major role in that. I can see it crystal clear now as hindsight is 20/20-the heroin we were smoking caused me to feel euphoria and acceptance and a warm glow. I was able to forget about all sorts of small things because, everything was just fine and dandy in the fog of heroin intoxication. He doesn't think that had anything to do with his smiles in his eyes and his ability to do things and be happy with the mundane life we live right now. He swears up and down heroin had nothing to do with his happiness...but yet, now he's walking around with a deep sadness back in his eyes. He's lied to me and not kept his word. And he tells me that the reason the smile has left his eyes and his face is because I have pulled away from him. Our sex life is just about non-existent once again. And that's why he's sad...
...but on my side I've pulled away from him because of the lies that I caught him in. I've pulled away from him because of the lack of employment that he promised me was changing in August (and now it's October...and he's only worked two days since we've been back together). I've pulled away because without the heroin fog I see clearly now. I see that he's not willing to better himself and change. I see that those smiles in his eyes were him being high. I see that the things that are important to me aren't important to him.. How am I suppose to keep smiling and sleeping with him when we're so clearly different in our hopes and dreams for life.
And now here I am, after writing this post, thinking to myself that maybe it is me that is the problem. Maybe I have been too hard on him. And maybe I should just run away and disappear and they would be so much better without me. Of course I would NEVER do that. EVER. But I do think about it. And that's what has been on my mind all morning since the fight...that I just want to disappear. But my children are so important to me. I'm just so tired...so so tired...
And more than anything I want a partner who will pull me up instead of drag me down. I want a partner who has the same goals in life, who has goals in life! I want a partner who supports me as I support him. I want a partner I can trust. And on top of that, I wish my current boyfriend, the father of my children, was that partner...but he's not and it saddens me....