depressed and new to thist site. its confusing

[thisishard]

I'm so depressed I've come to an internet chat room looking for help, I've done this before.. kind of as a joke, just got on these things and harassed people, but now I'm here seriously looking for help as if its my last option in life. I'm so close to carrying out my plan of suicide, I don't know what else to do. It's not like I don't have anything to live for... I have a daughter. but its a horrible situation with the mother. I feel like I got my blank canvas of life to paint on and just totally fucked the whole thing up. beyond repair. I'm 26 and I'm ready to check out. I have no job. No job skills really, I've had random jobs, nothing I kept longer than a few months because I'm a drug addict and end up getting too strung out to work and have to call in and quit or get fired. I consider myself pathetic. The only thing in my life right now that shines any light on me is that I've been pretty good at skateboarding/snowboarding and people have looked up to me for my talent in that, and my girlfriend (not sure why she loves me so much, I treat her not very good, and she still stays with me) if I didn't have her, I would really have nothing at all. Other than that, I'm just fucked. I feel doomed. I've been to the mental hospitals my whole life, since I was 15. I've been on and off medication since then too. Medication doesn't work. it takes away from my energy and my zing. I don't like that, cant have that... so I've gone to self help groups out of the hospital (DBT) and I get all the tools. But I just don't know how to use them. My brain is wired for the negative so bad that I cant even think happy shit anymore. It seems foreign to me, like I've never done it before. I don't know where I'm going with this. Maybe someone will respond with something...

 

[Fatjosh]

im conflicted here because as an atheist i dont think suicide is wrong in and of its self so i will spare you the million and one reasons not to kill yourself bit. but i will tell you that life is full of shitty things and i have not taken them well as i am an addict too. things tend to repeat thereselves in history and life. my father killed himself befor i was born and i always wondered what he was like, i always told people it didnt bother me cause i never met him. he killed himself because of drugs and possibly the scary thought of bringing me into this world. at 4 years old i was introduced to my step father who was a good man and raised me right and when he died when i was 17 i then turned to drugs and have beeen fighting an uphill battle ver since and have thought of suicide many times not because i am unable to deal with life innately but because drugs made it seem immpossible and that is the repeating cycle drugs and suicide. maybe tell yourself this " I am going to kill myself when i have spent 6 months clean" if you are going to kill yourself why not give yourself an ultimatum that gives your daughter a chance, your girlfriend a chance and yourself a chance. some will hate my message others will be indifferent but i will say that suicide is not an act of cowardice it is the only thing we really have control of but you should have thought of that before having a child, you owe it to her to give it your best shot. i know its so fuckin cliche but it really is darkest before dawn

 

[Maya]

^ I am one of those ones fatjosh, I have a different outlook in life. Yes life is shitty and hard but there are also wonderful things that you can experience while you are alive!!!. Im pro life and as I have mentioned before, I would want to live as long as I can to experience more things, meet more people and travel the world!!

Dont look down on yourself OP, i always believed that everyone has different skills/intelligence and the first thing that you should do is to kick off the habit completely. We have all been there, relapse or whatnot but I never gave up on life and I will continue to fight the fight because I want to live.

Like what fatjosh said, give your daughter a chance, can you imagine how she would feel if she finds out her father killed himself? Live for her and fix yourself for her.

 

[legalizeall]

@ fatjosh, How can you say its not an act of cowardice. Its the ultimate one, no matter if your atheist or not. I dont even know why you would bring up religion here. To me, its not a matter of that.

Suicide is the ultimate solution to temporary problems. Cliche i know, but its so true. The fallout from a suicide is immeasurable and thats the part where the coward comes in. Its saying i cant deal with this and fuck what this is gonna do to other people, im out. All i care about is how i am doing. I dont care what others might feel or how it might affect them for the rest of their life. Im not gonna try and fix this anymore so im just gonna end this here. How can you say thats not cowardly. Religion has nothing to do with that.

Im not religious cause its man made which is flaw along with other reasons but im also a believer that we arent givin anything in life that we cant face and overcome. I also dont believe that were here with suicide as a means to an end. Mercy killing is a whole other topic but doesnt apply here.

You got a daughter man. That right there is enough of a reason to keep going. Especially, and im sorry for your loss, since your father commited suicide when you werent born yet. You dont want to do that to your daughter. She needs that father figure in her life. When both parents are involved the child has that very beneficial balance that some kids dont have.

Children is the one thing i believe that can get a person right and on track even if they dont want it. You hear people say that if a person doesnt want it in their heart, their not gonna succeed. Kids motivation i think is the one exception to that.

I know in the moment things can seem so immense that they cant be overcome and im not gonna minimize anything your going through. But there is such a big world out there with so much shit to do and experience. Think how much better of a person this is gonna make you. By dealing with whatever you got and overcoming it and making it part of your past you just get stronger at life and give your daughter someone to look up too.

You might be treating your gf bad because you feel bad about yourself and dont love yourself. If you dont like yourself its almost impossible to show love to others. When i find myself treating my girlfriend in a negative way, its cause im looking at her in a negative way. Im looking at everything i think is a fault of hers. Its not fair to her. Try and look at all the positives she has and look at what made you fall in love with her in the first place. Cause nobodies perfect but we can try and improve ourselves and be better towards our fellow man.

 

[T. Calderone]

I look at it like this, life is short enough. Why kill yourself because when it's time for you to go, it will happen. You're only 26 and like you said, your life's canvas hasn't been painted yet. I am not a spiritual person, but truly believe every person was born with a noble purpose.

But you havn't found your purpose yet, that's ok it will come. Your post struck a chord with me because I have mental health issues and was first hospitalized when I was 15 too. I was able to finish my education and got a great state job and for years things were good. I got complacent though with substance abuse and my life fell apart. I'm twice as old as you but havn't given up yet.

Sounds like you have a great girlfriend who would miss you very much if you killed yourself not to mention your daughter. My sister overdosed and passed away in 1995 leaving behind a five year old. My family was never the same so you have to think about all the people who would be affected by this. Keep going to therapy and don't give up. Fight those negative thoughts that are overwhelming you. Like they say in AA, "fake it til you make it!" It's true.

 

[herbavore]

I am a spiritual person and I feel so very, very sad when I hear that someone who is only 26 feels that his life is ruined, feels hopeless and battered and exhausted to the point of giving up. My heart goes out to you. My spirituality is not religion, it is connection to life. Maybe that sounds vague or ridiculous but what I mean by it is that I am very clear that nothing--no circumstances, even the most horrific, can sever my reverence for life. Our culture severs connection from nature, from community, from compassion and any real morality and then we wonder why addiction just keeps growing? OP, you are definitely not alone in your despair. Your voice and your life have value.

Give yourself a chance to heal. Help is available but you have to find it--particularly what is helpful to you; something and someone that you can really do the hard work with. Try your hardest to let go of outside judgments and don't internalize them. And stick around TDS--you'll find lots of folks have been where you are and have survived to find life is still full of surprises and unexpected twists and turns.

 

[thisishard]

to fatjosh thanks, im sorry about your step dad going at 17. my dad died of natural causes when I was 18. so I guess that's not as bad as what you went thru so I just wanted to let you know I feel pain for you. and thanks for everything else you said. you saw it from my side more than the other comments... but I didn't go into detail about my situation with my daughter in detail so you guys wouldn't really know what im going thru with that. the mother is as mentally sick if not... 3 or 4 times more than me. shit, maybe 10. shes a mess. shes been thru a lot of shit too. was molested and threatened to die by her father when she was 12... I went to juvenile hall when I was 11, that's where I got my first traumatic experience, being the only white kid and the youngest kid at that.. in the whole jail, it was scary for me. a little white kid from suburbia in downtown Seattle with crack dealers. I never even knew what drugs were before I got arrested at school in the 6th grade, I was practically innocent up until that time. shit I don't wanna write my life story on here and I am probably rambling. but my daughter, the mother is so out there, and shes got CPS down her throat which got them down my throat. I was having to do these random UAs and do some classes. and I just stopped going to all of them. my current living situation is a bust. I live 30 miles away from any bus line to where I can go into the city and look for a job, theres no work for me at my hometown in the middle of no where,... ive burned all those bridges. I've burnt all my bridges, I'm ashamed to say it but I've been a coward. I've lost respect for my self. All I seem to do is hurt the people who love me and want the best for me. I get going good, and I mean good... for about 3 weeks. then I crash. I feel like by committing suicide I wouldn't be hurting the people around as much as if I stick around. cause if I stick around I'm just gonna continue to cause more harm. that's all ive ever done. I ruin everything. every opprutunity, every chance, every new person I meet... I blow it right off the bat for it to become of anymore because I've grown to become so dissociative. I live 30 miles from the nearest metro bus line. I live in the mountains. I have no neighbors really, No friends up here anymore that want to hang out on a regular basis. I've gone from a popular, ambitious, little stud pretty much to a no body, degenerate. or bum, im pretty much a bum, with a nice house and clothes right now, my moms house. I'm a failure so far in life, there are no successful accomplishments, I've won some competitions skateboarding or what not but that was it. Other than that, there is nothing good about me. I'm generous, I've given the shirt off my back more than a few times to people in need. I've done a lot of people wrong too. I feel like karma gets me every so often, about once a week actually, something will happen as just a little reminder to "you were an asshole and this is payback" ... and that feels like its never gonna end. cause it never stays good over here. im not gonna say I've tried EVERYTHING but I've tried A LOT. I've been to super good mental hospitals, seen good doctors, done self help, meditate, exercise, diet... another problem is my ADD or lack of focus, I never keep anything going good long enough for it to amount to any positive result. I'm a polysubstance drug user, mostly heroin, but I love meth too when I can get it. I can get anything I want anytime but I just don't get motivated anymore to go on runs and shit. Im 26, those days of running wild for days are gone. I feel old now, my body doesn't work the way it use to, my brain is way slower than it use to be. I feel like an idiot most of the time, when really,... I was born smart. got a 132 on an IQ test at 13 years old that the school court ordered me to get. I don't know what else to say, more feedback please?? ill try to check this more often to. so far so good

 

[Fatjosh]

@legalizeall- if you cant put the pieces together on why religeon matters when commiting suicide that is just astounding....if you are christian or catholic you believe you are going to burn in hell for it thats why i would bring up that im an atheist, i dont believe in some hidden dude in the sky with a book that says how i will be born and how i will die, i believe in compassion for others with no reward for it, no punishment for those who arent born with the capacity to do somthing that is genuinely good because it makes you feel good not so you have something to tell people about or let witness so that you will be thought of as a good person. in no way shape or form do i mean that all religious people lack that capability its just that my mother was a pastor at many different churches and i have seen the politics first hand. now on to the fact that to kill yourself you have to do somthing drastic like a gunshot to the head or jump off a skyscraper in order to kno u r going to die, people who do it other ways like overdoses and hangings have a chance of being found and saved or doing it wrong and are the ones kinda on the edge where they figure if i die i die, if i live somone will realise how miserable i really am in and help me out of this nightmare it takes a lot of courage to pull that trigger or jump whether we can agree there or not i can respectfully agree to disagree. that being said op they bring up good points, although legalize may have confused the fact that my father commited suicide befor i was born not the op. i thought it was an act of cowardace and was robbed until i realized that some people just cant cope and it is an end to their pain.

 

[thisishard]

and the whole give my self a chance thing.... ive given my self plenty of chances and something in me self destructs and I end up ruining them quick if not in the very near future. im a self destructive 26 year old unemployed drug addict that's spent 2 years in jail collectively since I was 18. ive never worked for anything for more than a few months. people don't call me anymore to check on me, the only person that I have is my gf. I don't get to see my daughter much because of where I live and the mom is crazy. my life is doomed, seriously I should just grab my shit, a tent, water, some beef jerky, whatever I can pawn and go head to the pawnshop. get some money, go grab something really good to eat, then get a bag of shit... go set the tent up somewhere special and give myself the OD shot. that's my plan. I don't know when or where I'm gonna do it but wow to put it out there in words and read it back is powerful, I feel like its already happened.

 

[thisishard]

i thought it was an act of cowardace and was robbed until i realized that some people just cant cope and it is an end to their pain.

yeah ive been thinking about the letter Im gonna write to my daughter and tell her why I couldn't stick around. im really getting down to the part that's like "ok, you've killed yourself. whats next?" well obviously all the people that are around me are going to feel something from it. but I just know that whatever theyre gonna feel about me is not going to compare to what I feel about myself. I despise myself pretty much. ive become the man I did not want to be. im super rambling right now. done

 

[Fatjosh]

wow man you sound alot like me....i feel like i should be somone els a different way but when im clean i feel like being me is ok. as far as the daughter situation i dont know the workings of cps and women r fuckin crazy dude its pretty much all of them but that adds spice to life, have you ever came off heroine and spent that next week feelin like you would cry over a sad movie or a song that hit home im pretty sure thats what its like to be a women times 10 and times twenty for a week out of the month. but u seem like you could be the person you want to be its just hard to say im going to get up and do it right now. im with my mom too right now at 23, i should be getting out of college and starting a career but im not but we still have time to do what makes us happy. john lennon went to school and they asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said "i want to be happy" the teacher said "you dont understand the question" to which he responded " no, you dont understand life". its really hard to have true compassion for others, but its harder to have it yourself buddy, i hope you can turn this around and be the father the son the boyfriend and the overall person that you have the potential to be. best wishes

 

[thisishard]

fatjosh thanks man. I think ive got enough from this site for tonight. definitely will be back for me. I feel like this is some progress being made here, from everyones comments, I need a mixture of stuff I want to hear and stuff I don't and find that even medium. I just hope it happens soon because im really CLOSE to going in with my plan. ill sign in on here in the morning. maybe there will be more "don't do it, your amazing!" or more "yeah I feel the same way, lets hook up and do it" or anything. its nice to get multiple peoples feedbacks. I need to figure myself out here soon because I really am ready to explode. im not a current everyday heroin user, only once a week, its been 2 weeks now.... all I need is 40 bucks and I can off myself in a public bathroom somewhere descrete so im missing for a day or two. I think it will be less painful to do that then do it under my mothers roof, the same roof my father passed away under. im a coward. and I do this I know im going to hell.... if there is one. I don't really care. I just want this shit that's going on right now to end. I don't want a kid with this girl, I love my daughter but I hate her mom, shits just gonna keep getting worse and I cant handle the stress. I overload then shut down and what I mean by shut down is literally lock my self in my room for days in my bed with the door closed and no one home. just hiding from the world. it feels so comfortable. im done now. thanks for feedback sorry for long messages