Depressed about depression

[OhBoyCali]

Hey all,

This may just sound like a rant, but take it for what it is. Although I'm doing better than before in terms of my alcohol and drug abuse (although I'm no longer sober, at least not at this point), I've recently come to the realization that even when there are none of the known triggers for my depression, I find myself being depressed just about being depressed. Why do some people face depression and substance abuse and others don't? Why do people handle things better than I seem to?

The depression really has become crippling, despite the Zoloft. I put up a good act, go to work, hook up with a lot of girls, try be sociable, physically active...but I'm hurting. I don't remember the last day I didn't cry. A lot of mornings I just wake up on the verge of tears about having to go out and pretend again. No shit, today I spend like half an hour psyching myself up to go to work by repeating "your ok, your ok, your ok". And when I think that shit like that is what I've come to, I get even more depressed. I recently lost another job and another gf, so that certainly didn't help the situation at all.

If it wasn't for my siblings, for whom I'm basically all they got...at this point I think I'd rather off myself than continue. But I could't ever put them through that.

 

[HeWhoHowls]

I've recently come to the realization that even when there are none of the known triggers for my depression, I find myself being depressed just about being depressed. Why do some people face depression and substance abuse and others don't? Why do people handle things better than I seem to?

Perhaps you have been mentally magnifying your depression by becoming overwhelmed with obsession over it.
When you are dwn n out, you are tempted to thnk (sometimes overthnk) about the situation itself rather than the solutions.
When it festers n grows in your mind, fed by constant thoughts n worries, the picture of your depression is actually a lot bigger than it actually was.
Does this sound like you??

 

[Legerity]

Like you said, adding judgment onto our existing emotional experience makes things worse. So you may be experiencing depression at the moment but you don't have to be hard on yourself for that.

Can't really know why some people experience some things and other do not. It's possible that you also have a lot of good aspects in your life that other people are lacking. And there's other difficult experiences that somebody else might have that you don't. So everybody has their own pain whether or not we can see it from the outside.

Do you have anything else that is helpful aside from your medication? Therapy, meditation, exercise, friends, music, etc. ? Medication can be very helpful but on its own can be very limited too.

 

[OhBoyCali]

Wow, quick responses!

I wouldn't say I'm obsessed with it, but the term "adding judgement" to my depression definitely helps.

Depression is a weird beast, I notice that even with friends, music, and intense exercise (I was in the Army for awhile and box and recently ran a marathon), I still can't get past the overwhelming, constant feelings of sadness. It was actuallly worst when I was sober. Then I was depressed AND bored.

 

[HeWhoHowls]

Here friend, I'd like to share with you one of the 7principles of Huna.
The word "aloha" isn't just a postcard image, it also represents love.
To say "aloha" to a person is to greet them with your love or send them on their journey with your love.

The "aloha" principle of Huna states:
"You love it to the degree you are happy with it. If there is something about it you are not happy with, then you don’t love it. to increase goodness, love more. To improve a relationship, increase the love in that relationship instead of trying change that you are not happy with by loving the good of that person even more."

To apply this to you, when you are unhappy with life in general, recognize the good in your world n love it even more than you did before.
Then you'll notice the good far outweighs the bad in life.
Optimism literally changes the world.
If you can change your outlook, you can change your perception of thngs, thus changing your world.

 

[sarcophagus.heels]

Hell, I know exactly what you mean. I have a bad habit of getting stuck in my head and overanalyzing everything, running circles around my emotions and actions and basically running them into the ground. I definitely have an obsession personality and a tendency to overthink things, and it really doesn't work to my benefit. I've been stuck in a pretty paralyzing depression for the better part of a year, and I often found myself depressed because I'm depressed - like, I find it difficult to cope with the fact that other people don't have this problem, that other people are able to deal with their shit and go about healthy, productive lives without spiraling into depression. I can't remember the last day I went through without at least almost crying. Anything can trigger it too - like, I'll be at work, and start adjusting my bracelet to cover some bad scars I have on my wrist, and find myself depressed by the absurdity of having to constantly hide self-harm scars and play like nothing's wrong. And then I get angry at myself for being so sickeningly self-pitying, and it just becomes a self-perpetuating cycle.

At this point the only thing that's kept me from using oxy again, or switching to H, is that I'm home for the summer and don't have a connect. And hell, I have two friends to thank for even still being around, cause I was in a terrible place a couple of months ago, and they were the ones to try to pull me out of it and urge me to get help. It's truly incredible what a couple of good friends can do for a person.

 

[suessmayr]

I feel the posters in this thread. I wish I could fucken cry! I'm always so fucking constantly and terribly numb that I literally cannot do anything.

"The greatest grief is dumb." - Sophocles. (I was just reminded of this and am not trying to trivialise anyone else's situation).

I'm not responding to the OP as much as inviting further comments. What the fuck do people do to help with feelings of pretension and pleasureless-ness???

 

[Dave]

For me, the only thing that had a lasting effect was seeing a psychologist and receiving EMDR. YMMV, but I'd certainly recommend seeing a psychologist as your depression doesn't seem to be responding too well to medication. Unfortunately, many cases of depression don't; mine certainly didn't.

 

[itsok]

to the OP, how long have u been depressed? did u use opiates to medicate ur depression? what meds/drugs are u taking (u don't have to specifically answer if this is too much prying). It seems like u do have a fulfilling life as a superficial observer, but I guess attitude and gratitude, linked to depression, can supersede any facade of success/happiness. What would you like to change or have that would make u feel better- just wondering if u'd rather be living elsewhere, doing a different job, etc...

I get incredible, debilitating depression, so much so that I can barely walk to my kitchen for water. Doing basic daily hygiene sometimes feels like an enormous chore. My depression is always due to quitting heroin. However, I find that ketamine and methoxetamine, using one dose like once every week or every two weeks, really helps me or else, I know i would be back banging away, doing God knows what to get my fix.