Depersonalization and Derealization

[Dimitri K.]

Well anyways, I've had depersonalization and derealization through most of my day-to-day life for almost the last couple of years. It has made me change my entire outlook on life in just about every way possible way: spiritually, philosophically,the big picture. You may wonder why I am posting here. Mainly because I know that these experiences are often precipitated by drug use. In my case, it was definitely correlative but not causal by any means.
I have been a bit of a suppressed hypochondriac for most of my life. I have had this bump on my head that I was convinced was a brain tumor for many years. I was afraid to tell my parents, go to a doctor,or even research what else it could be. anything. I was living in my head too much; thinking there was a good chance I was not going to reach my 20th birthday. Cannabis to it's credit, did not like that I was doing this. God damn! This is where I started to develop some level of panic attacks and to experiment with drugs a bit; to a certain extent because I legitimately thought I was going to die and I might as well have some fun perception alterations before I do. This was still at a time when I was afraid of death obviously.
Anyways, finally I had a complete breakdown. Had what I would consider to be a two week or more continuous panic attack. I am convinced that my mind is still recovering from that experience. Slowly but surely. My ego was being torn away from me to a certain extent This was the beginning of the summer and I was home by myself for about a month. I literally laid in the corner of my room in the fetal position hugging my dog for hours and hours.It was the most intense experience of my life to this point by 1000 times.It was raw emotion. It could almost be described as a near death experience because I had completely convinced myself that it was one.
I was a nieve,frightened, and maybe most importantly, uninformed child.It took me weeks to get up the courage to even google my symptoms of this. I thought I had gone crazy (my Dad's sister had been thought of to be schizophrenic since about the same age. Very recently she has been diagnosed as bipolar and manic depressive); at the very least bipolar.
The thing is, I really can't call this experience a bad thing. In the last couple of years, I have made more positive changes than in the rest of my life combined. I'm no longer a dick to my parents when I see them. I no longer fear death to any degree, I aim to be a completely friendly presence bringing positive energy to anyone that I interact with. My mind has also been completely expanded to the Nth degree. I see things much more as they really are. I understand more of what I really want: to be happy and at ease with myself and to feel connections. I am in college and I"m doing fine but as I've told my parents, my mind is miles away. I follow what I enjoy doing. Reading about philosophy, consciousness, psychoactives, the material body, the soul, and the universe.
Anyways, life goes on and everything plays out exactly as it is supposed to Please feel free to post any kind of responses that you would like. Questions, comments, your own experiences, etc. It is a very fascinating condition. I don't care what kind of psychedelic experience you've had. Nothing is life altering in quite the same way that this is. That is of course not to disparage psychedelics in any way shape or form. It's completely different and I shouldn't have made the juxtaposition.

 

[DeathDomokun]

It's good that you're taking positive lessons from this, but to imply drugs can't induce the state(s) you've experienced, teach you these lessons, kill your ego, etc is just silly.
Best of luck with it all, whatever path you take.

 

[Gmo]

I've got depersonalization......I've had it for close to a year now. Sadly, I'm not handling it as well as you seem to be. Mine was drug induced and it's coupled with some pretty serious HPPD. It's really been getting me down. I just feel like my sense of self is gone, my ego like you said is near non existent......and the 24/7 dissociation really is a shame. I'm hoping I can beat this soon, I couldn't handle living the rest of my life like this.

 

[Yippie]

I've got depersonalization......I've had it for close to a year now. Sadly, I'm not handling it as well as you seem to be. Mine was drug induced and it's coupled with some pretty serious HPPD. It's really been getting me down. I just feel like my sense of self is gone, my ego like you said is near non existent......and the 24/7 dissociation really is a shame. I'm hoping I can beat this soon, I couldn't handle living the rest of my life like this.

I know the feelings, but if you keep up with living well and reminding yourself to stay positive, it will fade out in time (e.g. 2 years).

 

[xHippiexchildx]

I've got depersonalization......I've had it for close to a year now. Sadly, I'm not handling it as well as you seem to be. Mine was drug induced and it's coupled with some pretty serious HPPD. It's really been getting me down. I just feel like my sense of self is gone, my ego like you said is near non existent......and the 24/7 dissociation really is a shame. I'm hoping I can beat this soon, I couldn't handle living the rest of my life like this.

My depersonalization was also self induced from drugs.

It goes away with time. You have to give your brain time to close the doors you opened with your drug usage.

 

[Dimitri K.]

It's good that you're taking positive lessons from this, but to imply drugs can't induce the state(s) you've experienced, teach you these lessons, kill your ego, etc is just silly.
Best of luck with it all, whatever path you take.

I was in no way challenging that. There are many things that I have not experienced and would like to. DP and DR are not well understood, well known or well researched so I like getting them out there a bit.

 

[Dimitri K.]

To say that mine was not at all drug induced is asinine. It was cannabis coupled with A LOT of anxiety (tendency to experience DP and DR to begin with). I have noticed steady improvements because I am aware of what needs to be done. Develop good health and the psychological health will follow. Mind you, THIS IS NOT A MENTAL ILLNESS (everyone has it at one time or another. Think public speaking). It is a defense mechanism.A defense mechanism that has me several times on any given day questioning my reality, my physical body (almost whenever I look in the mirror), whether this is whole thing we call the world is an illusion,etc. People often worry that they are losing their mind with DP (I know I did for months) but nothing could be farther from the truth. The main things that I've learned so far are to put forth as much positive energy into this universe in which we are connected,understand that everything happens for a reason, relax and LIVE YOUR LIFE as best you can. The biggest thing that the defense mechanism has going for it is you giving it your attention and your fear response.

 

[Dimitri K.]

I've got depersonalization......I've had it for close to a year now. Sadly, I'm not handling it as well as you seem to be. Mine was drug induced and it's coupled with some pretty serious HPPD. It's really been getting me down. I just feel like my sense of self is gone, my ego like you said is near non existent......and the 24/7 dissociation really is a shame. I'm hoping I can beat this soon, I couldn't handle living the rest of my life like this.

Cheer up! All of these will in general fade with time and the right mindset, dietary changes, and exercise. The first thing that I'd recommend is eliminating soda and energy drinks from your diet completely. Secondly, you have managed through the worst of it. We both know you absolutely could handle living the rest of your life like this. You just need to understand that you are in no way crazy, your brain is not permanently messed up,etc. and to just relax and enjoy the ride as best you can. Don't take things too seriously!

 

[Dimitri K.]

For those that have or are on a similar road to recovery: what do you think about psychedelics? My drug experiences have been somewhat limited because I've a little bit concerned. One that I've had on my plate to try for quite some time is acid. Exploring the inner workings of my consciousness is something that really appeals to me. Having done probably 100x too much reading on LSD, I"m pretty confident that I could handle it, I was just curious as to what your own experiences with it have been in regards to or completely apart from DP and DR.
Peace.

 

[Allein]

IME it is not possible to properly describe a psychedelic experience, your perception is altered so description defies words that are of any use in communicating what you have experienced.

I will neither encourage nor discourage the use of LSD or any other psychedelic, the individual has to make that choice.

I have suffered from derealisation and found some of the symptoms quite similar to the early onset of LSD but not on a good way, I've taken LSD in the past but I do believe this contributed to the problem, in fact if anything I was in a better position to deal with the sudden shifts in perception despite still finding it a very unpleasant place to be.

 

[DeathDomokun]

I don't care what kind of psychedelic experience you've had. Nothing is life altering in quite the same way that this is.

Maybe my reading comprehension isn't up to scratch..

 

[Tude]

What's the difference between depersonalization and derealization? I know I've had occasional bouts of derealization throughout my life, the first one at 7 years of age. I've never done any drugs-I've never even had a drink. I don't know what causes these episodes I have, but they do happen randomly every once in a while.

 

[blight12]

Well anyways, I've had depersonalization and derealization through most of my day-to-day life for almost the last couple of years. It has made me change my entire outlook on life in just about every way possible way: spiritually, philosophically,the big picture. You may wonder why I am posting here. Mainly because I know that these experiences are often precipitated by drug use. In my case, it was definitely correlative but not causal by any means. I have been a bit of a suppressed hypochondriac for most of my life. I have had this bump on my head that I was convinced was a brain tumor for many years. I was afraid to tell my parents, go to a doctor,or even research what else it could be. anything. I was living in my head too much; thinking there was a good chance I was not going to reach my 20th birthday. Cannabis to it's credit, did not like that I was doing this. God damn! This is where I started to develop some level of panic attacks and to experiment with drugs a bit; to a certain extent because I legitimately thought I was going to die and I might as well have some fun perception alterations before I do. This was still at a time when I was afraid of death obviously. Anyways, finally I had a complete breakdown. Had what I would consider to be a two week or morecontinuous panic attack. I am convinced that my mind is still recovering from that experience. Slowly but surely. My ego was being torn away from me to a certain extent This was the beginning of the summer and I was home by myself for about a month. I literally laid in the corner of my room in the fetal position hugging my dog for hours and hours.It was the most intense experience of my life to this point by 1000 times.It was raw emotion. It could almost be described as a near death experience because I had completely convinced myself that it was one. I was a nieve,frightened, and maybe most importantly, uninformed child.It took me weeks to get up the courage to even google my symptoms of this. I thought I had gone crazy; at the very least bipolar. The thing is, I really can't call this experience a bad thing. In the last couple of years, I have made more positive changes than in the rest of my life combined. I'm no longer a dick to my parents when I see them. I no longer fear death to any degree, I aim to be a completely friendly presence bringing positive energy to anyone that I interact with. My mind has also been completely expanded to the Nth degree. I see things much more as they really are. I understand more of what I really want: to be happy and at ease with myself and to feel connections. I am in college and I"m doing fine but as I've told my parents, my mind is miles away. I follow what I enjoy doing. Reading about philosophy, consciousness, psychoactives, the material body, the soul, and the universe.
Anyways, life goes on and everything plays out exactly as it is supposed to Please feel free to post any kind of responses that you would like. Questions, comments, your own experiences, etc. It is a very fascinating condition. I don't care what kind of psychedelic experience you've had. Nothing is life altering in quite the same way that this is.

My biggest issue with derealization/depersonalization is my inability to use paragraphs. I see you are having the same issue.

 

[jaurk]

I started getting derealization/depersonalization after surgery, I had penthrox and surgery, then this one day when I was finally off the computer after 1 month, I was standing there and my whole world went so weird. I became instantly quiet, it's like... so weird.
I've only ever had 2 intense derealization attacks.
I've had several other lower intesity attacks which sometimes last up to 5 days.

It's so odd, sometimes I just want to feel it again, so damn bad!
But when I'm in it, and I know I can't control it, I'll do anything to be sober.

It's such an odd strange feeling that it keeps me coming back.
I remember this one time, I was in juniour high school, sitting in assembly.

= "Everyone put your hand up if you're attained work experience"
> inner dialoge "Work experience? Have ....I? Who am I?"
I started to see myself from a 3rd person angle, mainly from the left-back side, as that area was clear from people as I was sitting down in a massive group in class lines, on the edge.
> "If I put my hand up.. will it actually go up? Will people be able to perceive it going up? Arhh, it's already to late to test it now.. everyone's put their hands down. But what if I put it up now, will everyone else perceive that? Is it even real? Can I even control this body?"

Fucking weird times man....
After this time, I started experimenting with drug use, I had started researching a couple weeks before I had my accident (breaking my knee, 2 surgeries and 10months crutches.)

I remember getting those feelings again after blacking out deathly drunk (experienced health lady said it was probably 2nd degree coma).
Then they slowly became less and less over time.

2 years later I haven't had an attack in ages.
Though sometimes I do feel out of it.

Being an INTP I live in my head and I've always been a "dreamy out-of-it" person though.

The other lower intensity versions are less strange, and I often find myself thinkign about such weird things.
"What if this is all a dream?" I'll find myself staring at bricks contemplating something very important (which I forget now) I'll be walking down some hall and just be slightly dissociated.

I've done 600mg DXM, and it's kiiinnddaaa like that without the body drunkenness, almost more intense without the visuals.
Sometimes colours did seem more vibrant when I was in DP/DR though.
I remember a few times when I'd be looking at the very red bricks, and the very green leafs.

I had CAPD as a child.
And I think I had dyslexia but somehow I managed to overcome it with training in grade 2. (self diagnosed)
I may have complex partial seizers in the frontal lobe, as I experience a lot of those effects. (self diagnosed)
I was also a very smart child, though I think I may have had very low-level autism/aspergers or something, I feel I ahve overcome it.
I would still consider myself a smarter than average person.

There has been 1 or 2 occasions when I've had to pinch myself just to check And I don't even remember any of my dreams!
I know after dealing with it around 20 or so times, the best way to get rid of it, is to eat healthy and stay calm.
The more you stress about it not leaivng, the longer it lasts! So just forget it, keep yourself busy and it passes.

After ODing on methylphenidate I also may have an anxiety disorder now.
I think I always have had pretty itnense anxiety at times, though it comes and goes.
I kind of have bipolar stages too, not too sure wouldn't say I have bipolar just the symptoms sometimes.

Not sure if I should continue drug use or not.

 

[Dimitri K.]

My biggest issue with derealization/depersonalization is my inability to use paragraphs. I see you are having the same issue.

Touche. Tried to fix that up a little bit for ya.

 

[Dimitri K.]

What's the difference between depersonalization and derealization? I know I've had occasional bouts of derealization throughout my life, the first one at 8 years of age. I've never done any drugs-I've never even had a drink. I don't know what causes these episodes I have, but they do happen randomly every once in a while.

DP and DR almost always occur together. DP is more of a loosening of the ego, distancing from your "Self" and your thoughts. DR is where you look around and can't quite grasp what you are seeing. Not quite "real." It seems like you are watching a TV show or something while also being part of it while also being completely distanced from the entire experience.

 

[blight12]

Let me just say how fucking terrifying this experience is. Not at the time since you have not emotion to allow fear. But trust me, walking around your home and looking at your parents and realising how they mean nothing to you. Its scary. You can be in your room and it looks the same but it doesnt feel like your room. Its like waking up in somebody elses body with their memories but having absolutely no emotional attachment to anything around you. Trust me, depression is way better cause at least your feeling something, this shit feels so foreign, its just impossible to explain until you have experienced it.

 

[Oldskool2]

It passes if you let it!

DP and DR almost always occur together. DP is more of a loosening of the ego, distancing from your "Self" and your thoughts. DR is where you look around and can't quite grasp what you are seeing. Not quite "real." It seems like you are watching a TV show or something while also being part of it while also being completely distanced from the entire experience.

Listen to me everyone.

I had major Depersonalisation and Derealization for about 3 years after smoking during my teenage years. I have always put it down to smoking cannabis. Basically it comes down to this. If you are prone to depression or inward thinking then this can happen regardless. Believe me when I say that it passes over time if you let it.

 

[slackhands]

Let me just say how fucking terrifying this experience is. Not at the time since you have not emotion to allow fear. But trust me, walking around your home and looking at your parents and realising how they mean nothing to you. Its scary. You can be in your room and it looks the same but it doesnt feel like your room. Its like waking up in somebody elses body with their memories but having absolutely no emotional attachment to anything around you. Trust me, depression is way better cause at least your feeling something, this shit feels so foreign, its just impossible to explain until you have experienced it.

Excellent way to put it.

 

[blight12]

OP you mention DP/DR in your subject but dont go into any more detail in your post. Without trying to come across as combative, im wondering if you real experienced this. I did once for 3 days after taking far to many pills. The experience was for worse then the worst anxiety / panic attack can ever be. Once again not trying to challenge you or anything but can i ask you to try explain what it felt like? You mention having this for years and the poster above mentions 3 years. From my experience i honestly cannot see how somebody can go through this for longer then a month and not end up insane or dead? Just trying to function as a human being for 3 days was almost impossible. When everything around you has no meaning its nuts. Fortunately i logically decided to just follow routine and it worked. It was weird, i sorta ended up basically pretending my way through life, since i understood how somebody would usually act in whatever situation I was therefore able emulate being human. I imagine this would be what a psychopath feels like except hes never known any better so i guess its normal for him...
Having no emotion does not feel at all like you might imagine it would...