SociallyAwkward
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 17, 2015
- Messages
- 72
Back when I was 18 I had a real habit of drinking going on. It started out with beer, then wine, then booze. I eventually ended up drinking at least 3-4 times a week and my weekends was often spent at home alone drinking my miseries away. Initially I could afford real alcohol from people and for a while I also bought 'moonshine' from friends before that supply was cut off but it came to a point where being a poor student and not being old enough to purchase liquor left me without any access to alcohol. While reading on another drug forum I came across a long topic about denatured alcohol and how certain brands were perfectly safe to drink. You can imagine what I went out to buy the next day.
So I had finally found a cheap way to get a good buzz. I would buy these bottles containing 1 litre (33 oz or so) of 96% denatured alcohol (as pure as it gets). Then pour myself a regular sized glass of 50/50 alcohol/water. The taste was disgusting at first but I realized after a few times one gets some resistance to the bitrex and it doesn't taste quite as badly. Unlike many people I never threw up from drinking it. My regular consumption was probably around the equivalence of a fifth of vodka.
Now we're getting to the experience soon. This hot sunny summer weekend was a little different than the others. First of I had recently been rejected in an awful way by a girl. I really thought we had something going on and she had a lot of issues too that I had been putting up with and trying to help her with. At the time I thought we were a match made in heaven - two broken and lonely souls that had somehow ended up finding each other. I figured I really meant something to her and was pleased that here was finally someone who could see the real me beyond all the anxiety, awkwardness and booze. Boy was I wrong. The minute she found some other guy she was more interested in she ditched me and started being a complete bitch, texting me how she hated me and how ugly I was and how no one would want to be with me.
Also this very friday my spice had arrived in the mail. This was long before most people even knew what spice was and before they started spraying it with all kinds of dangerous shit. I was really eager to try it out after having read some interesting reports on it.
So with all that said, there is no understatement that I wanted to get really fucked up and just vanish from the surface of the earth for a while. I started out around noonish by going outside and parking myself on the porch. We had a lot of trees and stuff around so the neighbours wouldn't see what I was up to. The sun was shining and the birds singing while I loaded up my pipe. Usually I'd use a classic old school wodden type of pipe for smoking tobacco but for this occassion I had gotten a new short pipe in metal that looked supercool. Didn't have much concern about how much of the stuff I was packing into it, just kept going til it was full. Then I lighted it and inhaled.
First thing I noticed was this very irritating and dry sensation in my throat. But I kept smoking it and waiting to feel something.
When the first load of spice was running out, I let the pipe cool down a bit and then packed it with another round. I smoked that too all while people were going about the usual business out on the street. When I had finished two pipes and around half an hour had passed I was starting to get irritated. I stuffed the pipe twice more and smoked all of it while concentrating on taking deep inhalations and keeping the smoke down my lungs. At last I had to admit defeat. The zip bag was empty and I had smoked around 3g's or so without any other effect than my throat really hurting badly. And people had assured me just 1/3 of a bag or so would really get me stoned!
Pissed at having wasted money on it I went inside, turned on some Guns n' Roses and poured up a 50/50 drink. Most people would've thought it looked disgusting, I just thought the liquid with it's faint red glow looked like the best damn thing in the world. This was the kind of filth alcoholics drank and I was an alcoholic. At least I knew this stuff would get me where I wanted to be. I kept drinking and listening to music and watching movies throughout the day. When the evening started to come I was drunk beyond reason. This was when I had the excellent idea of calling up the previously mentioned girl. We had a long conversation where I jumped between screaming at her to crying and asking why she didn't like me. I only recall bits of the conversation but I think she was drunk too and on something else and the call eventually ended when she said she was upset and was gonna go cut herself until she bled out. I knew she self-harmed but I had also finally realized what a little drama queen she was (I spent many nights worrying about her and even sent the ambulance over there a few times but eventually learned she would often lie about taking overdoses or having cut herself up). Thus at this point I simply didn't care, her problems wasn't my headache no more.
Instead I got another brilliant idea. I went to the local store cause I was feeling like some soda and crisps but was fresh out of it. Now drinking so much as I did I was used to being intoxicated around people and still acting like I was sober but this time around I was simply way too drunk to do that. I almost tripped a couple of times in the store and swayed back and forth on the spot. I tried to carry both the soda and the bag of crisps but ended up dropping them again and again while laughing hysterically. Eventually I made it to the checkout and somehow managed to get my wallet out and pay for the stuff. I had heard someone among the store staff talk about the police but in my sluggish state I didn't realize what they meant until I noticed everyone was keeping an eye on me and how one of the staff members was talking on the phone and how the teen girl in the checkout looked most uncomfortable when she gave me my exchange back. It finally came to me that they were calling the cops on me and I tried to make a run for it. In retrospect it was probably more of a slow and very unsteady walk out of the store. Fortunately I made it back home without seeing any cop cars and parked myself on the sofa while preparing another drink.
This is where things are starting to get a bit hazy. Suddenly I started feeling nauseous and for a minute thought I would throw up but then I was alright. Then I started seeing some visual patterns and I kept thinking I saw people move in the corner of my eyes. I have no idea whether it was some late effect from the spice I had been smoking kicking in or if it was simply me being drunk of my ass like never before. At this point I had probably consumed an amount that would equal to around 1,5-2 fifth of vodkas. The visuals faded away but instead I started feeling like I was about to pass out. I've felt like that many times before and also passed out a countless number of times but this one was different. I noticed I wasn't breathing automatically, I really had to focus on breathing in and out to keep it going. Also had a strange sensation of my life slowly passing away from me. Like how all the energy and will inside me was starting to vanish and how I was coming to peace. It really scared the shit out of me. Somehow I just knew it wasn't safe to pass out this time, that if I did there would be a risk I would never wake up again.
So I forced myself out of the sofa though it felt like my body just wanted to collapse. Had a bit of adrenaline rush from the fear of what was going on that enabled me to get to the shower and start a really cold one. After a while I was feeling slightly more energetic so I walked to the kitchen and made myself 3 cups of coffee and also stuffed my mouth with snus (scandinavian nicotine product that is very strong) thinking I needed some sort of stimulants to stay awake. And it did help a bit. I was still extremely intoxicated and the world was spinning around me but I didn't feel the same horrifying feeling of letting go of everything. I ended up watching a series on the pc and forced myself to stay awake for several more hours until I finally was starting to sober up a bit and felt it was safe to crash in bed. Slept for 14 hours and woke up with the worst hangover of my life and little recollection of what had happened the day before. It took a few days before I started remembering more and parts of this experience report has also been made from a few notes I had written on that day about things I had forgotten I did.
Obviously I had quite the tolerance at the time so I don't know for certain what would've happened had I passed out, it's quite possible I would've been okay. Still it was close to double the amount I was used to and considering how I felt at the time I still consider myself lucky I survived that night. I ended up quitting drinking a few months after this happened. These days I only drink very rarely and in modest amounts. I do have to live with anxiety every day and I'm still as lonely as I was back then so I'm not sure if my life truly changed so much for the better after quitting but I can only hope one day looking after myself will have been worth it.
So I had finally found a cheap way to get a good buzz. I would buy these bottles containing 1 litre (33 oz or so) of 96% denatured alcohol (as pure as it gets). Then pour myself a regular sized glass of 50/50 alcohol/water. The taste was disgusting at first but I realized after a few times one gets some resistance to the bitrex and it doesn't taste quite as badly. Unlike many people I never threw up from drinking it. My regular consumption was probably around the equivalence of a fifth of vodka.
Now we're getting to the experience soon. This hot sunny summer weekend was a little different than the others. First of I had recently been rejected in an awful way by a girl. I really thought we had something going on and she had a lot of issues too that I had been putting up with and trying to help her with. At the time I thought we were a match made in heaven - two broken and lonely souls that had somehow ended up finding each other. I figured I really meant something to her and was pleased that here was finally someone who could see the real me beyond all the anxiety, awkwardness and booze. Boy was I wrong. The minute she found some other guy she was more interested in she ditched me and started being a complete bitch, texting me how she hated me and how ugly I was and how no one would want to be with me.
Also this very friday my spice had arrived in the mail. This was long before most people even knew what spice was and before they started spraying it with all kinds of dangerous shit. I was really eager to try it out after having read some interesting reports on it.
So with all that said, there is no understatement that I wanted to get really fucked up and just vanish from the surface of the earth for a while. I started out around noonish by going outside and parking myself on the porch. We had a lot of trees and stuff around so the neighbours wouldn't see what I was up to. The sun was shining and the birds singing while I loaded up my pipe. Usually I'd use a classic old school wodden type of pipe for smoking tobacco but for this occassion I had gotten a new short pipe in metal that looked supercool. Didn't have much concern about how much of the stuff I was packing into it, just kept going til it was full. Then I lighted it and inhaled.
First thing I noticed was this very irritating and dry sensation in my throat. But I kept smoking it and waiting to feel something.
When the first load of spice was running out, I let the pipe cool down a bit and then packed it with another round. I smoked that too all while people were going about the usual business out on the street. When I had finished two pipes and around half an hour had passed I was starting to get irritated. I stuffed the pipe twice more and smoked all of it while concentrating on taking deep inhalations and keeping the smoke down my lungs. At last I had to admit defeat. The zip bag was empty and I had smoked around 3g's or so without any other effect than my throat really hurting badly. And people had assured me just 1/3 of a bag or so would really get me stoned!
Pissed at having wasted money on it I went inside, turned on some Guns n' Roses and poured up a 50/50 drink. Most people would've thought it looked disgusting, I just thought the liquid with it's faint red glow looked like the best damn thing in the world. This was the kind of filth alcoholics drank and I was an alcoholic. At least I knew this stuff would get me where I wanted to be. I kept drinking and listening to music and watching movies throughout the day. When the evening started to come I was drunk beyond reason. This was when I had the excellent idea of calling up the previously mentioned girl. We had a long conversation where I jumped between screaming at her to crying and asking why she didn't like me. I only recall bits of the conversation but I think she was drunk too and on something else and the call eventually ended when she said she was upset and was gonna go cut herself until she bled out. I knew she self-harmed but I had also finally realized what a little drama queen she was (I spent many nights worrying about her and even sent the ambulance over there a few times but eventually learned she would often lie about taking overdoses or having cut herself up). Thus at this point I simply didn't care, her problems wasn't my headache no more.
Instead I got another brilliant idea. I went to the local store cause I was feeling like some soda and crisps but was fresh out of it. Now drinking so much as I did I was used to being intoxicated around people and still acting like I was sober but this time around I was simply way too drunk to do that. I almost tripped a couple of times in the store and swayed back and forth on the spot. I tried to carry both the soda and the bag of crisps but ended up dropping them again and again while laughing hysterically. Eventually I made it to the checkout and somehow managed to get my wallet out and pay for the stuff. I had heard someone among the store staff talk about the police but in my sluggish state I didn't realize what they meant until I noticed everyone was keeping an eye on me and how one of the staff members was talking on the phone and how the teen girl in the checkout looked most uncomfortable when she gave me my exchange back. It finally came to me that they were calling the cops on me and I tried to make a run for it. In retrospect it was probably more of a slow and very unsteady walk out of the store. Fortunately I made it back home without seeing any cop cars and parked myself on the sofa while preparing another drink.
This is where things are starting to get a bit hazy. Suddenly I started feeling nauseous and for a minute thought I would throw up but then I was alright. Then I started seeing some visual patterns and I kept thinking I saw people move in the corner of my eyes. I have no idea whether it was some late effect from the spice I had been smoking kicking in or if it was simply me being drunk of my ass like never before. At this point I had probably consumed an amount that would equal to around 1,5-2 fifth of vodkas. The visuals faded away but instead I started feeling like I was about to pass out. I've felt like that many times before and also passed out a countless number of times but this one was different. I noticed I wasn't breathing automatically, I really had to focus on breathing in and out to keep it going. Also had a strange sensation of my life slowly passing away from me. Like how all the energy and will inside me was starting to vanish and how I was coming to peace. It really scared the shit out of me. Somehow I just knew it wasn't safe to pass out this time, that if I did there would be a risk I would never wake up again.
So I forced myself out of the sofa though it felt like my body just wanted to collapse. Had a bit of adrenaline rush from the fear of what was going on that enabled me to get to the shower and start a really cold one. After a while I was feeling slightly more energetic so I walked to the kitchen and made myself 3 cups of coffee and also stuffed my mouth with snus (scandinavian nicotine product that is very strong) thinking I needed some sort of stimulants to stay awake. And it did help a bit. I was still extremely intoxicated and the world was spinning around me but I didn't feel the same horrifying feeling of letting go of everything. I ended up watching a series on the pc and forced myself to stay awake for several more hours until I finally was starting to sober up a bit and felt it was safe to crash in bed. Slept for 14 hours and woke up with the worst hangover of my life and little recollection of what had happened the day before. It took a few days before I started remembering more and parts of this experience report has also been made from a few notes I had written on that day about things I had forgotten I did.
Obviously I had quite the tolerance at the time so I don't know for certain what would've happened had I passed out, it's quite possible I would've been okay. Still it was close to double the amount I was used to and considering how I felt at the time I still consider myself lucky I survived that night. I ended up quitting drinking a few months after this happened. These days I only drink very rarely and in modest amounts. I do have to live with anxiety every day and I'm still as lonely as I was back then so I'm not sure if my life truly changed so much for the better after quitting but I can only hope one day looking after myself will have been worth it.
