Delusions about having hallucinations?

[King-Anubis]

Hello everyone,

This is going to sound strange... but is it possible to be delusional about whether you're having hallucinations? I know it sounds weird... Basically as some may recognise from my user-name and a post a few days back, I started taking myself of quetiapine. I've started to get some of my typical symptoms of 'relapse' with short 'non-psychotic' breaks in between (I'm writing this in one) - which i'm attributing to the post-schizophrenia-like symptoms, so i'm going to push forward as they should go, as I've read. Normally the first thing to return when I've relapsed before is delusions of grandeur (that i'm Lucifer or something) followed by mania and then shadow people, and then everything else (Paranoia/Delusions of reference/depersonalisation etc). But this time I found myself staring at the end of my bed believing that there was this young girl sitting there crying. But she wasn't there - yet I could describe her to you in great detail as if I saw it (Blue eyes, red eye shadow, no mouth, stitches on her left check, and that). Like... I know she wasn't there and I wasn't hallucinating, but at the same time I thought I was. Really hard to explain... like something in between... she's not there, but I can see her in my mind, and that's there so I can. I'm just trying to work out what it is. Because I know she's here but I wondering it I'm being mislead into believing that. I know she's not, I can't see her - but yet I don't know. It's confusing. It's the same with voices, I can't hear any but I know they're talking to me and can tell you what they're saying. I know what their voices sound like - but I'm not hearing anything. I know none of you are psychiatrists but any help would be comforting if someone could say whether this is just a delusion or me just getting worked up over nothing. I tend to destroy my own mind with worry and confusion and I think it's just that but I don't know.

 

[pastelcircus]

Because I know she's here but I wondering it I'm being mislead into believing that..

you might consider seeing a real doctor, this sounds like it could (knock on wood) be the start of something much worse. Best case scenario you're just coming out of it, odds are what you're experiencing is somewhere between best and worse case. A dear friend of mine went through several severe paranoid schizophrenic breaks and what you're experiencing sounds quite similar to what he went through- shadow people, voices, and grandiose thoughts. He also said something about catching a glimpse of "spiritual warfare" but again, what he went through was extreme. Maybe try going back to the psychiatrist who prescribed you the quetiapine and explaining your symptoms, what you're going through may simply be withdrawls of some sort. Also, never go off your meds without consulting your doctor, dramatically getting off of your meds can cause serious issues. If anything, ask your doctor if it might be possible to taper off if you'd like to be off of any prescriptions that you may be on.

Anyways, best of luck and please keep us updated with how things are going.

You can get through this

 

[Serotonin101]

^^ I second this. symptoms could be gradually returning. as in the hallucinations may not be persistent yet. kinda like quick flashes that implant themselves in your mind. I can relate to the voices without "hearing them". kinda like thought insertion am I right? as in you hear the thoughts in your head but they're not in your "mental voice" that you "hear" when you think. like someone else's thoughts getting mixed into your own. its strange sometimes as I get this occasionally. and they always "tell" me to do awful things but I can ignore them. definitely consult a professional during this "grace period" before full symptoms come about and you are in a possible psychotic state. be careful please.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I think to be delusional about having hallucinations you would have to claim you are hallucinating when you're not?

Normally when you have hallucinations, you believe what you see is real and this causes you to act/behave irrationally (someone talking back to voices that only they hear, for instance).

 

[King-Anubis]

Hey guys, thanks for the replies. I'm not able to see a psychiatrist at current - and i'm a couple of hundred miles away from my old one. My doctor here in London refuses to refer me for anything more then drug changes - and I'm not happy with going through all the side effects again with another drug. I'm going to see a new doctor soon and see if he can help. For the time being I'm going to stick on the half-normal dose I'm on.

And yeah, Serotonin101, it is a little like thought insertion. I get them sometimes in different voices, and sometimes my own - which makes me confused about whether it me doing it to myself or not, especially as they're only there when I'm thinking about them. Like... I'm thinking things that I wouldn't normally think of, so they're not mine, but they are.

I've also figured out a way to explain some of the weird 'hallucinations' - It's like if you see a shadow on a wall of a hand, and in your mind you see the hand that makes it. I'm sort of seeing the 'shadows' (except they're nothing there) and seeing what makes them in my mind. Either way last night after that first post I had some flat out hallucinations that I knew were such - eyes on my walls sort of blinking fast and turning into butterflies over and over again. Went to bed with some xanax and woke up 12 hrs later hazy, and kind of feel like something's not quite right - everything feels darker and quieter then it did yesterday. No delusions or hallucinations so far, besides the feeling that something's here. Might change throughout the day as I've just got up, I'll have to wait and see.

Thanks again everyone

 

[blight12]

I like the idea of what you are saying. So this girl for example, you are not seeing her with your eyes but still perceive her in some way and your imagination or mind provides you with an image of her, but one you never saw as a visual event?

Would describing it perhaps as dreaming she was there while awake which would feel different from normal visuals, delusions and psychosis. Obviously different but perhaps similar in concept to how opiates provide a visual experience but its more a dream that is not provided by or seemingly the external senses?

Also I notice an interesting effect with LSD where you feel a presence, which can even be linked to wall pictures etc. This manifests in a way where if you where asked who was in the room you would naturally feel like including this presence in the head count. Do you perhaps feel a presence like this even though you dont see it?

Lastly you mentioned derealization which I have experienced due to extreme MDMA abuse, but I dont see how it relates to what you described.

I experienced this as an emotional based even where I had zero emotion, which is terrible, but otherwize clearheaded and logically capable. I didnt seem to experience any non emotional based delusions, visions etc. Could you clarify you mention of this perhaps?

How you are describing this sounds similar to how you might "see" or experience the presences of schizophrenia related "presences" though im not very knowledgeable on this topic.

I think also the confusion about what you are experiencing might indicate a delusion or psychosis event, of maybe a unique kind, but you weren't clear if you experienced this as a clear minded event that was clearly not real or if you had confusion about reality at the time. I think that clarification might give an indication of where to look.

But yeah I no expert on this stuff but like considering the concept so do let us know what you discover.

 

[blight12]

I think to be delusional about having hallucinations you would have to claim you are hallucinating when you're not?

Normally when you have hallucinations, you believe what you see is real and this causes you to act/behave irrationally (someone talking back to voices that only they hear, for instance).

Sorry to nit pick, but arent hallucinations defined as those you know are not real and therefore desired and why we take them recreationally while delusions are what you described? I ask because if im wrong I would like to know because this is what i tell others.

Also, since we are on the topic, if somebody knows, I would really be interested in how you would describe the difference between hallucinations, delusions and psychosis, or is psychosis classed as delusions? I often try to describe this to others but cant really accurately simply the difference. These factual definitions might clarify things for the OP perhaps as well?

 

[Serotonin101]

delusions are ideas (I am god), hallucinations are perceptions through the senses (I saw/heard god talking to me), psychosis is a state of mind where one loses touch with reality and believes these delusions or hallucinations.

 

[King-Anubis]

I like the idea of what you are saying. So this girl for example, you are not seeing her with your eyes but still perceive her in some way and your imagination or mind provides you with an image of her, but one you never saw as a visual event?

Would describing it perhaps as dreaming she was there while awake which would feel different from normal visuals, delusions and psychosis. Obviously different but perhaps similar in concept to how opiates provide a visual experience but its more a dream that is not provided by or seemingly the external senses?

How you are describing this sounds similar to how you might "see" or experience the presences of schizophrenia related "presences" though im not very knowledgeable on this topic.

I think also the confusion about what you are experiencing might indicate a delusion or psychosis event, of maybe a unique kind, but you weren't clear if you experienced this as a clear minded event that was clearly not real or if you had confusion about reality at the time. I think that clarification might give an indication of where to look.

But yeah I no expert on this stuff but like considering the concept so do let us know what you discover.

Hey,

And you've got it pretty much down. There's no visual event - I think - but I'm perceiving it with sight... Like I know i must have seen it. And you're right, it is a little like when you day-dreaming now that I think of it. But there's this 'added' aspect which I can't describe. I'm not daydreaming, I know that, but yet there it is.

I've been getting a similar thing today, but I've notice that it has this sort active-thinking aspect, like I used to get. I've spent the whole day preoccupied with talking to some new people via text (I honestly love just talking to people about anything) and so my mind has been sort of away thinking about that. A little like when your always thinking about someone you love, just dazing off wondering what to do next. But as soon as I snap out of it, everything here. I can't get the feeling out of my mind, unless I'm distracted (texting/forums help only atm). Tonight I'm sitting here alone listening to music again and they's these winged demons flying around the room. Again, I see nothing but I feel them. Then I get really confused. It's a sort of three stage process:

1) "There's demons flying around my room" pops into my head.
2) I can't see anything so I go to myself "I can't see any, they're not there"
3) Then I sort of feel them, and then see images of them doing that in my mind and I go back to step one.

Just goes around and round in circles, I just cant get them out of my mind. One second I believe they're there, the next I don't. At the moment I think I know what goes on - but there's this horrible feeling in my stomach that somethings wrong. Which only fuels the belief that there's something there. Like a feeling of unease. And I've tried imaging other things, but I can't. I tried to imagine a girl standing at my doorway but I couldn't get the same feeling - which just made me more scared that there is something actually in these feelings.

Then there's other things like last night I got spooked by a shadow in my room, and then spent 2 hours whispering to myself begging Lucifer not to take 'her'. But I was just acting out something that I thought would happen in the future. I was imaging myself being consumed by evil sprits and going to a friend for help, and then Lucifer taking her mind. But I felt like I was there - in the future - and it wasn't until I snapped out of it that I realised what I was doing: acting. I felt no emotion - but I knew I was scared and fearful. I know that sounds weird, after all how can you know your happy but not feel it. But that's what it was. It just gets me so confused, because it doesn't fall under 'psychosis' - I know I'm just acting all this, but I can't help it. I know nothing's happening yet my mind is utterly full of the belief that it is. I can't stop thinking about it, it feels so wrong. I'm not ill, I'm just faking it. That's what it feels like, that i'm forcing these ideas into my own mind. And that's what scares me, because I can't help it.

Either way, I'm going one more day, and if it continues then I'll go back up to my normal dose. In the meantime I'd be happy to answer questions. If this is indeed the onset of something greater then maybe I can enlighten some.

 

[King-Anubis]

Right, I'm pretty sure it was the beginning of something worse now. Hardly slept last night and didn't get to sleep until around 6am, and then woke up at 12. As soon as I awoke the first thing I noticed was this sort of burning pain in my head. I could hardly think because of it, and my internal monologue was disjointed and corrupted. I didn't have a headache, but the pain was unbearable - it felt like something deep within my head was trying to force its way in (or out). I could sort of 'hear' other people's thoughts, but they we're violent pushing themselves into my own head. There was this continuing 'voice' throughout telling me I was damned, that this was it, that they had me.

I spent 15 mins like this - laying in my bed - before I popped 300mg of Quetiapine and 4mg of Xanax just to make it go away. It was the sort of pain I'd rip my own face off to stop, for the whole time I just wanted to scream and beg it to stop. It's quite indescribable, sort of a mix between utter desperation, fear and the worst of depression. Regardless, the xanax kicked in pretty quick and eased my anxiety before the quetiapine knocked me out. Woke up 8 hours later feeling much better already, all symptoms have gone so I'm fairly contempts now.

Anyway, I'm going back on my normal dose full time - I think the last three days have been a sign that perhaps I'm not ready to come off them yet. Some might call me weak willed, as they were probably withdrawal effects I just had to push through - but I couldn't take the feeling that some dark external was tearing my mind apart.

Thanks again everyone for your input

 

[blight12]

Did you notice the problem went away after taking the Quetiapine before you where knocked out?

 

[Dncngbttrfl]

Going off quetiapine is horrible, and it will be no matter if you are "ready" or not. It has to be done slowly. My dose was reduced 50mg every second week. I had delusions and felt sick the first days after lowering. Now, a month after going off them completely I still don't feel like "me". My mind is always sort of disconnected to the body. I can "wake up" realizing where I am suddenly, having walked around like in a dream. It will wear off but can take a few months. Good luck the next time!

 

[King-Anubis]

Hey,

Sorry for the late reply, the problem of the burning stopped after the quetiapine began to kick in - there was a very bizarre moment of total silence before I fell asleep, like tranquility. I'm unsure why, probably more peace. The burning came back with a vengeance within a few days and I need up in a psychiatric ward a hospital for a few days until the quetiapine began to work again properly.