Delusional or not? I just dont know

[alphaopiate]

Hi guys. Well here's my piece. You can go ahead and call me completely insane if you want. Because I'm pretty sure I am. I am an ex heroin IV user (11 days clean) and have been trying my best to kick the addiction with subs and keeping busy. All had been going well overall until yesterday.

I decided to take a trip with a friend I don't know very well. Met through work, have had small talk over the last 8 months or so? But he invited me down to stay at a place about 40-50 minutes away for a night with another friend who i know through work. We both share a love in music. Which is what the main reason for me going was, I wanted to play some music to keep my mind off of dope etc.

But when we got there was when things started getting shady to me, basically my delusions started to kick in not long after arriving. We were smoking weed. We smoked a few bowl-packs on the way down. I hate smoking weed. I don't know why I do it to myself (I guess its the peer pressure, because so many cannabis users will try to make you want to smoke even if you've turned it down like 5 fucking times already, until you just say fuck it, even though you know its no good for you, and I know damn well I'm not the only one with this problem) Weed is usually part of the reason I lose my mind. But this time I just don't know, if maybe it actually saved my life, or I really am just this convinced in my foolish thoughts.

Well after smoking about 4 blunts, playing some guitar and singing. going out on the deck to smoke cigarettes. My other friend whose place we were staying at gets home from his new job, and we smoke another blunt. Now believe me I was quite baked. But all the sudden they start talking about all kinds of things that im picking up as subtle hints to these guys murdering me, in this hotel room. I.E-"I'm the kind of person who just does things, If it'll happen it'll happen" "Death could happen to anyone anyday, another schmuck could just get killed" they were talking about buying things for the place and kept saying "aint gonna be us paying for it" and laughing almost hysterically for about a half hour like freaks. They said other things but i was already into some sort of psychosis or panic attack, and I can't recall. Some things were them referring to things going on in a tv show but it somehow kept coming back to it as them wanting to kill me in my head. *I kept my cool in all this, with my physical body at least*

*Keep in mind im still weening off the dope, and on subs*

This was the boiling point, during all these hints im picking up I had already texted my girlfriend asking for a ride, telling her i thought my life was in danger. She was already on the way thank god. and you would think my panic attack/psychosis would have subsided, but it didn't, this shit was like meth psychosis man, if my life wasn't actually in danger. Because I still have a feeling it was today, and I'm sober. After I started picking up on this weird fucking shit they were saying and how they were laughing like total maniacs, I started looking around the room. It was all freshly painted and freshly carpeted. Furniture was new too. That freaked me out even more. I told them I needed to take a walk and call my girlfriend. *Dah one more thing, I realize I keep saying hotel room. But its like an old hotel thats turned the rooms into condos. So I'm assuming they do own this place* They were really hesitant, and they followed me to the door but didn't come out. I headed towards the stairset. and the fucking door was locked. That freaked me out even more. I was bashing on the elevator button. So I get in and go down the elevator. when I got out I had no idea where I was going, I had hardly ever been in this town, and the only way out was completely viewable from their balcony. I thought they could shoot me.

So I said fuck it, and started walking as fast as I could, looking over my shoulders like a freak. Once I got on the street, I thought everyone was out to get me. I thought they had control throughout the whole island town. And that thought freaked me out even more. I kept walking, I think I walked about 30 blocks while my girlfriend was on the way. I reached the bridge off the island, which has its police station and vfw post right at the bridge end, I had to walk past the police station thinking this whole town was corrupt, thinking a crooked cop would shoot me down. I get passed the police station and take a seat at a bench out front of the vfw post. My girlfriend said she was about 15 minutes away. Now you would think I would have started to regain my cool, but I kept thinking, this town wants me dead, these people want me dead. So after sitting on the bench for 10 minutes I decide to cross this god awful bridge for when it comes to walking conditions. I was inches from each car. But I wanted off that island so bad. Felt like some x-files shit or something. I walk the whole bridge, praying the whole time these kids aren't coming after me to run me off the bridge into the freezing water. I get to the end and my girlfriend is coming and pulls off to the side of the road.

Now this is how I know I was gone mentally. Her timing for picking me up seemed so completely perfect. It freaked me out, almost like she had connection to these kids. And was trying to get the truth out of me for what had happened. Instead of thinking normally and realizing she just wanted to know what was wrong with her boyfriend of 13 months. I thought they all had planned to either, get some kind of truth out of me. Or kill me. The whole car ride I keep having subtle thoughts of this actually being true, but she was my only way out. She kept asking me if I wanted to stop and eat, or go to the zoo, or this or that. and the whole time I was thinking, she wants to stop so they can catch up and all bring me back to kill me. But that was not the case. We got back to my apartment, and they were calling and texting me. I kept telling them I was okay, and that i had to go I wasnt feeling well. But they kept asking for my location, over and over. (why the hell does it matter where im at if im telling you im okay and you dont have to worry about me, I did not and still do not want them to know my location)

Since I woke up this morning I came to know that the whole town out to get me thing was crazy, my girlfriend being out to get me thing was crazy. but i still don't know if it was my delusional brain in that weird fucking condo, or if my life would've been ended by some freaks with apparently much more serious issues than mine.

Tell me what you guys think, I know its hard to judge, because I mean honestly there are so many people on this world. Anythings possible. I called out of work today. And am just using this time to reflect and be ready for anything else while the last bits of this episode fade

 

[alphaopiate]

Thank you so much, those who actually read this whole thing and give some advice, it would really ease my brain a bit knowing I can talk to people who actually understand these kinds of things.

 

[DeathDomokun]

First off, don't smoke Cannabis if you don't want to, that's absurd. If your peers are attempting to pressure you into using drugs, find new peers.
What do you mean when you say the door was locked? I don't leave the door unlocked, but if I've got more than 1 lock it would seem strange to lock all of them when there's a guest in the house for the first time.
I mean I don't even know what door you're talking about. Is this an apartment with a door facing the street and then another door to get into each apartment?
Let me just spread a bit of logic over this thread, if you think someone was genuinely planning to kill you that they'd openly and obviously discuss killing you in front of you? Don't you think that might hinder them killing you? You work with these people, and other people knew you were going there, the only reason they'd kill you in those circumstances is to get on the front page.
When you say they asked for your location, did they just ask where you are? I mean you'd just abruptly left without much explanation.
If I had a guest and I'd planned to spend the night and following day with them I'd be hesitant if they were eager to leave for no apparent reason after smoking them out.

From my understanding, your emotion does not correlate with reality and you should lay off the weed. Good work on 11 days without H. Best of luck.

 

[alphaopiate]

I guess you could say its a very complicated situation. No one knew I was going there, other than my girl. It would not be hard for them to ditch my body in this location. And the door that was locked was the stair-set to a hotel building, which should always be unlocked. You can always use logic. But stranger things have happened right? At the very least this was somewhere to document my crazy thoughts, I thought it would be an interesting read.

 

[King Lux]

Oh, gosh that sounds like it was really frightening. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Earlier in your post you said that you hate smoking weed. Does it always affect you that way?

I can't really smoke anymore for very similar reasons. It's very rare for me to enjoy it anymore and I'm very picky about who I will smoke around. Sometimes smoking around new people can be really uncomfortable, so perhaps you just got stuck in a really awful head space brought on by the weirdness of the situation and from not really knowing your company very well?

Lately when I smoke I will put myself into a panic thinking that everyone is trying to trick me for some reason, or that everyone around me is making fun of me and it's always (just like you said) subtle little comments that aren't directly aimed at me but feel like they're about me. Almost like they're using a code comprised of inside jokes with each other, and they're enjoying making me uncomfortable. I've even felt that about my boyfriend of almost 2 years who has literally no reason to try and trick me, and who only ever "makes fun" of me in a harmless, lighthearted way but when I get stoned it feels evil for some reason.

I've kinda just accepted that marijuana = extreme paranoia for me right now, and I that I can't really enjoy it for the time being. If it usually affects you negatively, maybe you should too? I don't think you're crazy. I think it's more likely that you're under a lot of stress from trying to kick your addiction (congrats on 11 days, btw, that's great!) and that your tricky brain got the best of you in an uncomfortable situation.

Good luck with everything!

 

[i against i]

you smoked too much weed and got really paranoid thats all. 5 blunts is a lot.

 

[Swimmingdancer]

You are not "insane", but smoking marijuana happens to make you extremely paranoid. It could bring out some schizophrenic tendencies in you. Stay away from it!! It is probably not helping that you recently quit using heroin, which can bring on depression and anxiety. My advice would be DO NOT SMOKE WEED ANYMORE. Try to avoid situations where you might be tempted and remember how awful you felt last time you smoked it.

The things that your acquaintances were saying were clearly not at all in reference to any plan to harm you. Your mind was running away with you. If you have those kind of thoughts often even when sober then I would suggest seeing a psychiatrist.

 

[alphaopiate]

King Lux loved you're reply can basically close the thread after that one it really mellowed me out and made me feel normal. And yeah i kind of forget im a recovering heroin addict sometimes, because you know when you get to that point nothing really matters. I have stopped counting the days and stopped taking the subs now if you're interested by my own accord. ^_^ But I am up to a pack and a half a day of smokes. Vices.

 

[PeacePipeChief]

same sort of thing happened to me on my last acid trip , towards the end of the trip / comedown .

I thought everyone was making hints , and they got really obvious at points , we would talk until someone would say something hostile , which would kill the conversation , or i / someone else would reply to what they said and it would get more heated until silence . I still am clueless about that day because the main
Instigator said 'if its hot its hot if its cold its cold?' which was a referance to the headgames going on , it was doing my fucking head in , everytime id manage to elude them and go back to mine (i live in a complex) by the time i got home , different people every time would come get me to come out , then id get out , somehow another hostile situation / same one .

The next day i got drunk and just confronted the main instigator and asked him straight up what his issue was with me . He never really answered my question and we nearly got in a fight , plus i was being a drunk idiot that night .
Everything turned out alright , and im still confused about the whole situation .

My only explanation is that when these psychotic symptoms occur (happens to me on stimulants and stuff since my chronic ice psychosis) the thoughts stay imprinted in ur brain , and the amount of questions in ones head while in this state is infinite , and all the questions cant be answered , so its just narrowed down to we went nuts . However ... I know what i heard , and i was still coherent .