Dehumanization

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dehumanization

It scared me how much that describes me these days. It's true. I've become dehumanized. I feel like a shell of a person these days.

And the abuse has escalated too. Mostly verbal. But I'm being slandered by different people all over the internet, harassed non-stop, threatened, etc. Today it was really bad and I wanted to cry SO BAD, but I just couldn't. My emotions are slowly being sucked away from me too. I'm becoming desensitized to these things because I'm growing used to them, and I don't like it. It still hurts me - a lot - but I can't react anymore. It's like I disconnect myself from what's going on in a way, and I go hide in some part of my mind, and it's not really me who's responding that calmly and saying those things.

And the thing is, my main assailant at this point in time is the only witness i had for my case. He'll inevitably go against me now and take her side, and I'll lose the case. And if this happens, my life will be over. Literally. I will become a human vegetable.

The attack and the aftermath already fucked with my brain so much. And this abuse is fucking with me so much. And the thing is, I was raped in the past and when I reported it, they made the official story that I was lying and told me to shut up and not talk about it unless I wanted to get NJP'ed again. All because they didn't want one of their Drill Instructors to look bad. And so I kept it to myself for over two years, the authorities never helped me, I got no help for it at all. And another time, this guy pulled a gun on me. I called the cops the second I was able to get out of his house, but he was able to stash the gun somehow so they couldn't find it when they got there and the charges were dropped. Just like that. Both of those events traumatized me and they still affect me, but what haunts me the most is that the people who are supposed to protect you from the ones who are hurting you, didn't.

Because I've been a victim of crime and haven't been helped for it, even though I've tried, it's made me lose a lot of faith in the system. And I know that kind of stuff doesn't happen to others. Other victims get the help they need. It makes me feel like I don't deserve help. Like my feelings and my life are just so easily disposable that even the people who are supposed to protect me stomp all over me. Needless to say, I never got help for that either.

So the thing is... I can't have that happen again. I just can't. The charges for the assault were closed because the stupid cop wrote down the wrong phone number and couldn't get a hold of me. So there's strike number one. That's the third time now where I've been severely harmed and the people who should be helping me have just tossed me to the side like a rag doll. I guess you can't understand what it's like to be a victim, and to see your assailant get off scott free, and how haunting it is just imagining the smugness they feel, that they were able to hurt you for the rest of your life.

I just... if this case is lost... I won't be able to bear it. My emotions and mental state are already deteriorating. I barely feel human anymore. More like a shell of a person. I can't even fucking cry anymore, even though I desperately need to. I've never been at such a low point before. I just want to cut myself off from society, never have any friends, never talk to anyone, never leave my house, never ever ever do anything or interact with anything that could possibly hurt me like this ever again.

So I'm lost. I don't know where to go from here. But I don't want to become a human vegetable either. I want to be able to enjoy life again and be happy and do something good with my life. I don't want to walk around in a daze, not caring about anything at all, not even caring about myself, just going through the motions and waiting to die. I KNOW that's what will happen. Because I'm already so close to being there in that state as it is.

And it sucks because if it comes to that, there's no way to fix it. No drug could possibly fix that. THat's not what anti-depressants and the like are designed for. You can't fix what isn't broken. I almost wish these feelings WERE brought on my some abnormality in my brain chemistry... but they're not. It's all a result of too much trauma throughout my life, too much at the same time, too much for one person to shoulder by herself, just too fucking much of everything. It's a result of being overwhelmed to the max. My brain chemistry isn't changing - I'm changing. My attitude and the way I view the world and the way I see things and people and look at certain situations. And there is no drug for that. I would have to have a lobotomy or something. Which doesn't sound like a bad idea, actually...

Well I have nothing else to say I guess. But I have zero faith and trust in every single human being on this planet right now. And I wish I could cry. But yeah other than that, I don't know what else to say.

Bye.

 

It's so terrible to see someone fall through the cracks - or perhaps shoved through is more apt - as often as you have. You're certainly not the only one that this sort of thing has happened to, although it certainly wouldn't seem that way. The system often doesn't work, and it seems to fail disproportionately with regards to those who are more vulnerable. Especially those who have been victimized in the past.

I wish that I could offer any advice to you. In my experience, the traumas that stick cannot be unstuck without help, but since you're still in the midst of your most recent one I don't know in what form the help would come. Being the stoic is counter-productive at best, but so is giving in and disappearing. I still think that therapy is the best bet for you, but the absence of trust in anyone would reduce any effectiveness of said.

I guess that all I can really say is: Do not go gentle into that good night. Fight the battle that needs to be fought now, and should that fail then focus on rebuilding. You deserve to be free of this.

 

im sorry to appear casual, but i think youll get my point.

... your going to have to re-humanize yourself, you have a clear concept of how it happened, and i assume a clear concept of Cognitive Therapy.

i for example, am feeling constantly on the brink of dehumanization.
i ve been stripped to nothing, my ego gone so many times i am reprograming myself.

ok.


one detail -
i have a ring on a finger that seems stuck, i wore it on one finger for years and it has developed a shape...duh, but a concave too and so is like a coon-trap on my finger.

i have gained a lot of weight since putting it on too, and its even tighter because of this. ill get some sense of panic occasionally thinking about it.

so now, when i am in a situation that i know is out of my control, and one that is routine and will have an effect on my psche/wiring, i will imagine the ring, and it being stuck there, here is another sense of anxiety which can be forgone, surpassed, risen above in a small way and all the while, displacing my un-needed sense of anxiety and or fear of a situation, i am able to transcend then from the situation, and see it for its worth,

and develop while in the face of this adversity, or what was percieved as, into the feeling of reward ive attained myself, the feeling of being able to over come and surpass and learn from, is a natural one, i cant help but not to let it be...it just is.

 

Dave... why is it that you always know the exact right thing to say? THANK you.

@panic - That's an interesting way of looking at things, though not one I think would be effective for me. I don't think I could ever look at a situation that already makes me anxious and use it to ease bigger anxieties out of me. Although I do take some sort of... not pleasure... but comfort, in the one thing that has hurt me the most in my whole life, whenever I'm hurting. I don't know what it is. But I feel comforted thinking about it, maybe because I remember that I went through it and lived? Or because I know that no one would ever be able to hurt me as much as that person did? Well, I think the Psycho Bitch that tried to kill me proved my psyche wrong on that account, but hey it worked for a while at least. I guess it's kind of the same thing. Maybe it's worth a try.

I would suggest getting the ring taken off, but if it helps you... then by all means.