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Define cheating (in your own terms)

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xburtonchic

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
1,009
To me it depends on a few different factors: how long the couple has been together, how you feel about the "other" person, how far the guy/girl/"other" person allows it to go, how stable the relationship is, etc.

For example, to me, this is NOT cheating: Guy or girl has girlfriend/boyfriend who they have been with for one month - the relationship is not that serious and is clearly not going to last. Guy or girl meets another guy or girl. They immediately have a connection. They hold hands and flirt, but it doesn't go any further than that. In my opinion, what IS cheating (in that scenario) is if they kiss or go beyond that. Also, if you change the above part to how long they've been together - say they've been together for two years and it IS serious. In that case, even flirting and holding hands with someone else would not be okay.

I know some guys and girls who will get with someone and immediately force their significant other to cut off any and all contact with members of the preferred sex. But I know other people who will allow their boyfriend or girlfriend to be alone with someone else all day... like my best friend. Whenever I spend the night at her house, she just leaves me there with her boyfriend for hours at a time. But she wouldn't let anyone else do that. And there are others who will allow their boyfriend or girlfriend to hang out with whoever they want, whenever they want, whether there is anyone else around or not.

So yeah, I know a lot of people have different opinions on this stuff. I was just curious what everyone else thought!
 
^More or less. People are different, relationships are different. Some people would consider what the OP is talking about cheating...and others wouldn't..
 
questions to consider: do you feel guilty? was it a "one time" type of deal? Did you contract an STD? Its a pretty much a huge grey area erroneous mess
 
In my relationship it would be kissing or anything more than that without the other person knowing and being ok with it. If my bf says, sure you kiss that guy, then it is okay.
 
If I wouldn't do it with them sitting there/otherwise fully aware of it, then I think it's cheating... at least thisis how I measure it for myself and anyone i'm involved with :)
I do however think that this rule only applies once the relationship has been formalised to the exclusive stage, and that prior to that commitment being made I can do what I feel, regardless of whether the above applies...
 
Kissing and all the way up from that. I think if you're thinking "I would do it if I got a chance," even if it hasn't happened yet is cheating, but of course there's no way to prove that. I'm very much someone who needs hard facts, even when my gut is telling me something is going on. So, I've been stupid about this subject until I get hard evidence.

It's funny you bring this up, OP. I was just having a conversation about "office husbands" with my SO. He didn't know the term. I had an office husband who was married. We just hung out. Zero sexual anything going on. We'd go to lunch and BS about our day. Nothing happened, but he told me that he could never tell his wife that he was hanging out with a hot chick all the time at work or she'd flip. (OK, gave me a bit of an ego with the hot chick thing LOL) Anyway, nothing ever happened, but it was kinda hidden from his wife.
 
doing something purposely and knowingly outside the established boundaries of your relationship. simply discuss the boundaries, and its plain and simple from there. to not-communicate such boundaries is a dangerous thing.
 
light flirting doesn't count as cheating in my book.
anything that you would have to cover up or lie about and feel guilty about, then that's cheating.
if its friendly flirting with your friends just playing around that's not cheating.
giving your best friend a hug or a kiss is not cheating.
sex, making out, or making secret plans to hang out are cheating.

but honestly it depends on who you're with.
 
xburtonchic said:
But I know other people who will allow their boyfriend or girlfriend to be alone with someone else all day
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holy shit! you know people who do not commit forcible confinement and exercise control, and respect the right of freedom of association? ;)

As for how I would define cheating. Willfully disobeying, ignoring or violating (actus reus) the EXPLICITLY stated (
"Everything which is not forbidden is allowed" )rules or regulations pertaining to a game, sport or other activity, with the knowledge that such actions are violating said rules or regulations and the intent to do so. (mens rea)



I can not bloody believe you people who uphold implicit, unstated, arbitrary rules. How would you like it if you got sent to jail on an ad hoc basis for tying your shoelace up in the "incorrect" manner (with the correct manner being made up by and different with every judge) despite that not appearing in any statute? Saying that contact with another human being in a certain manner is forbidden depending on your social contact with another human being, with it varying on a case by case basis, and with out having ever been stated, is wrong, immoral or forbidden, is exactly the same concept.

in that in the first case, A= you get punished(jail) because B= you did some action(tie up your laces) which was C= not stated anywhere as prohibited nor standardized (arbitrary invented by the judge and not appearing in the law)
in the second A= you get punished (break-up/fight/labeled as immoral) because B= you did some action (having some sort of contact with some person) which was C= not stated anywhere as prohibited nor standardized (depends on the opinion of the other person and varies from person to person, relationship to relationship and incident to incident and never have been actually stated)
 
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If you're in a relationship where you are officially calling each other your boyfriend/girlfriend, then holding hands and flirting is not okay. It wouldn't be necessarily cheating but it's definitely pushing it. I say if you have met someone else and have instantly connected, break up with your partner before you do ANYTHING. It's not worth hurting someone's feelings just because you can't resist the urge to hold hands with someone.

If it's anything your partner would be mad about, don't do it.
 
tender lamb shank said:
it's whatever you and your partner decide the boundaries of the relationship are, I spose it's different for every situation
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Yeah I see it as this too.

I've had open relationships with previous partners/male lovers and we'd have sex with other people at separate times but we had safer sex, talked about what we did when we had sex with the other people, and even when I was dating multiple people at once they all knew about each other and what I did sexually with everyone.
 
Lysis said:
Kissing and all the way up from that. I think if you're thinking "I would do it if I got a chance," even if it hasn't happened yet is cheating, but of course there's no way to prove that. I'm very much someone who needs hard facts, even when my gut is telling me something is going on. So, I've been stupid about this subject until I get hard evidence.
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This sounds about right. As well as any obvious intent.
 
^

intent is very different from an attempt, and really in of it self amounts to nothing.

" I intend on winning an Olympic gold medal in speed skating.I can't skate and don't even own any skates and have not taken any action towards actually doing so. However I still demand people call me a competitive skater."

does the above make any sense?

compare

" I intend on having sex with someone who is not my spouse. I have no apparent person with whom to do this and am not actively executing any course of action to meet a person and undertake the action of having sex with them. I am still however, a player."

That makes as much sense as the fact that Chewbacca lives on Endor, even though Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk.
 
I don like a gf to kiss or touch any guy in a sexual manner. Flirting i dont care about, i do it all the time, its fun.
 
rangrz said:
^

intent is very different from an attempt, and really in of it self amounts to nothing.

" I intend on winning an Olympic gold medal in speed skating.I can't skate and don't even own any skates and have not taken any action towards actually doing so. However I still demand people call me a competitive skater."

does the above make any sense?

compare

" I intend on having sex with someone who is not my spouse. I have no apparent person with whom to do this and am not actively executing any course of action to meet a person and undertake the action of having sex with them. I am still however, a player."

That makes as much sense as the fact that Chewbacca lives on Endor, even though Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the fundamental explanation.

You're right. It's not a typical idea of cheating. My intent was to express something that can be a deal breaker for me. If I'm with my girlfriend and I come back and she's dancing with a guy in a sexual way or doing something with a sexual implication, I don't like it. That's not the type of girl that I want to be with. I know that opinions differ, but for me, It makes me uncomfortable and repulsed.
 
Mysterier said:
Thanks for the fundamental explanation.

You're right. It's not a typical idea of cheating. My intent was to express something that can be a deal breaker for me. If I'm with my girlfriend and I come back and she's dancing with a guy in a sexual way or doing something with a sexual implication, I don't like it. That's not the type of girl that I want to be with. I know that opinions differ, but for me, It makes me uncomfortable and repulsed.
Click to expand...

Ah, I think our difference here is how we define words. The key, to me, in your paragraph are "dancing" and "doing something" both of which do indeed represent actions. Intent, by it self, is not an action.

to use analogy to explain the difference.

i.e. in order for me to have committed the crime of murder there most be both an actus reus (a real act/action, in this case, causing a persons death) and mens rea (guilty mind/intent)... swap murder for cheating and causing death for making out, and it comes back to the material question of the thread. (or to dancing with someone instead of causing death for your example)

If I have mens rea, and did something tangible to try and cause the persons death(perhaps I fired a pistol at them and missed) then I am guilty of attempted murder. Swap murder for cheating again, and causing death and shooting a gun for, say posting an ad in the casual encounters section on craigslist to return to threads material.

Now, if I have mens rea [intent/guilty mind... I am thinking about shooting someone] but I do nothing but sit here at my computer and post on bluelight, I am not guilty of murder or attempted murder, because there is no actus reus. Likewise, if your girlfriend sees a hot dude and thinks about having him do something sexual/sensual/etc, but neither does so, nor takes any action to do so, did she really cheat? I would maintain 'no' for the same reasons that I am not guilty of (attempt) murder.

tl;dr your paragraph still refers to an action, not just a thought, being required.

-------

Lysis said:
he told me that he could never tell his wife that he was hanging out with a hot chick all the time at work or she'd flip.
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Which would amount to his wife using the fallacy Post hoc ergo propter hoc (A happened, then B happened, therefore A caused B) in reverse. While it is highly likely that if he did cheat, it would involve hanging out with a hot chick (or a hot guy.. or if he is not as smooth a chick or guy who is not hot) it does not imply that hanging out with a hot chick will cause cheating to occur. (as you yourself can attest to by having not slept with him while still hanging out with him)

my point here is that we as people need to consider our biases and/or how and why we arrive at conclusions before we use these conclusions for a purpose.
 
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The action is the realized thought I was explaining in the second post. I used the wrong word despite the thought that was in mind, in the post previous. Forgive me, too many Blue Moons tonight.

Thank you for your detailed response.
 
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