Deep End (Critique)

[Rollingrrl]

Deep End

Help me I'm in the deep end
the waters closing over my head
My feet can't touch the bottom
and the air,too far away to breathe.

Nothing's simple in the abyss
when you start thinking about
all those things you've missed
out on with your faith so devout.

Come play in the swirling tempest
unleash the feelings within you
once you do, you'll get no rest
not until you get out of the pool.

Life's thrown me into the deep end
and I'm not sure that I can swim
All these questions without answers
I'm not sure that I can ever win.

I can feel my feet kicking hard
as I sink lower into the universe
I could win but I'm missing a card
my false deities reveal their worst.

Swirling faces appear from the past
faceless strangers waiting to fuck me
Too late to be the first, you wanna be the last?
I laugh, welcome to my insanity.

Leave the shallows and come play
feel the icy confusion and cry
out, I don't want to die today
deal with it, the universe lies.

Help me, I'm in the deep end
which way is the pool side?
I'm alone and in over my head again
drowning from the inside.

~Shelly~

 

[E-girl]

great work hon... sorry it took me so long to read it.
I like the recurring theme of being in the deep-end, because it's something we can all relate to. Always feel like you're sinking deeper and its cold and helpless. That last line was the best, as far as metaphors go:

Help me, I'm in the deep end
which way is the pool side?
I'm alone and in over my head again
drowning from the inside.

Perfect ending for a really great poem.

 

[frostyangel]

great work as always sweetie.

 

[neverwas]

awesome :D i really enjoyed this hun

 

[.dR spgeddi]

"Come play in the swirling tempest"

love that, and dont mind if i do?!
the rest of that stanza moves smoothly and drew me in such that i re-read the whole bizzo.

conceptually really good,
but you could explore it more...
with metaphor. (ooh a little rhymey comment! )
roll on, grrr.