Mental Health Deciding on whether to be institutionalized again or not

[Anonym9999]

The past few months has proved very rocky for me physically, mentally, and emotionally, and thoughts of suicide are constantly looming over me. I've been institutionalized 3 times in the past year, and each time has sent me away from there worse than I was upon entering the facility. These places are also very expensive, are humiliating to explain to people that you've been there, and to be frank, suck dick. My anxiety and depression have gotten sky high since my last visit, and my paranoia and delusional thoughts have also multiplied. The former things probably have a lot to do with physical pain as well as just some unfortunate happenings that have occurred in the past few months, since my last release from institution in January. The latter, however, are more than likely a result of me having started doing meth again recently, but I seem to have these thoughts even after I come down/take a break. I've been Rx'ed anti-psychotics in the past for insomnia only, but I couldn't even take them for this reason as they make my depression much worse - after a few days of dosing I would start to feel like an empty shell of a person (more than I already feel like on a day-to-day basis). I've tried SSRI's/SNRI's/TCA's and trazodone, and I refuse to touch MAOIs. I'm not going to go into anxiety medications, cause I don't want the ear full.

I'm not here to ask about meds though, but what you might suggest I do in this predicament. I refuse to go to the ER with this shit in my system, I can quit doing the shit when I want, just haven't seen the use in doing so as I've been waiting for marijuana to clear my system so I can see a new shrink (and my therapists will be through the same office, so it's not as if I could go to them in the meantime). This shit is just way too much. The depersonalization, the occasional derealization, the panic attacks, drifting through life feeling powerless to control it, I can't take it anymore, and I honestly just want to blow my brains against the fucking ceiling.

I don't know if I should try to salvage this piece of shit people would refer to as "my life," and rack up even more medical bills that will have absolutely no coverage until a 3 grand deductible is met, just try to suck it up and make it to my new psychiatrist's appt., or just say fuck it all and try and scrape through life without any professional help (which would save a lot of money). I'm tired of wasting my parent's money on health care that doesn't work. It makes me feel like an even greater piece of shit, and a leech on society. I dunno if me getting on disability (if I had remembered to appeal for the 2nd time by the due date) would have made me feel better about the situation, but at least it would be government money instead of the cash my parents work extremely hard for (that makes it a bit more personal). I really just wanna say fuck it all and do the rest of the world a favor by ending it, and quit being a burden to everyone around me.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

 

[neversickanymore]

Don't ever give up.. keep fighting. And with your symptoms quit doing speed and weed.. hang in there, best wishes!

 

[Jerry Atrick]

I know you're not here to talk about meds but unfortunately the meds really are prolly the only thing that will save you.

If I had a nickel for every time I talked to someone IRL or here on BL who complains about how miserable they are but refuses medicinal treatment.....I'd be a fuckin millionaire. I absolutely cannot comprehend why people do not want to take meds when they will make life so much more livable not just for them, but for the friends and family that surround them.

I understand that when suffering from mental anguish, people are so completely self-absorbed they usually have no clue how much their actions and behaviors are hurting their relationships with other people. Believe me, I've been there. I've been the one that nobody wanted to be around because I wouldn't take my medication. Now that I'm in social work, I have the opportunity to witness the other side of that coin - how other people act when they are not taking their meds. The difference is night and day.

People take pills when they have a headache. People take pills when they have a fever. People take pills when they to make their dick hard. But noooo, they don't want to take a pill that will improve their quality of life or the quality of life of those around them.

I'm not going to preach against smoking weed because I'm a smoker myself. However, I do not understand why you will destroy your mind and body by using meth but won't do anything to help yourself by taking meds.

You have to give psych meds enough time to work. Yes, sometimes you feel like shit in the beginning but that usually wears off. If it doesn't, tell your doctor so he or she can either adjust the dosage or try a different cocktail. That's what doctors are for.

Personally, I could care less whether you go back to the psych ward or not. I do however care whether you live or die.....at least as much as I can for an anonymous forumite. Do you know what happens to people in your condition when they continue at your trajectory? They commit them to the psych ward AGAINST THEIR WILL and the court orders them to receive their med by shot. I've been there too. The shots fuckin hurt. Maybe if you're lucky (read sarcasm) they'll give you electro-convulsive "therapy". That shit was invented to calm pigs down before they are slaughtered. Some genius decided maybe it would work on humans. I've never had ECT but the topic came up on more than one occasion when I was locked away. Fuck that shit.....I signed up for the lifetime supply of government subsidized meds. ymmv.

 

[Anonym9999]

Deciding on whether to be institutionalized again or not (Mental Health)

Reply to:
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/676963-Deciding-on-whether-to-be-institutionalized-again-or-not

First off, thanks for the replies. Just so you understand my situation better, I'll provide some more background information.

It's not that I have an issue medicating myself, it's what psychiatrists are chucking at me to take. I've tried multiples of drugs from each class for my issues. I think I would do better with my depression if I just had therapy with someone I trusted and had my other issues taken care of through therapy/medication; I've tried anti-psychotics, SSRI's, SNRI's, TCA's, and TTCA's (I refuse to use any MAOI besides the mild one from tobacco smoking. My ADHD, at this point, I don't care if it gets treated. I went years without treatment and did "okay"; it's just when my other problems arose that I started having issues with it. For anxiety (PD w/ agoraphobia, SAD (Social Phobia)/GAD, Phonophobia), I've tried SSRI/SNRI's, TCA's, TTCA's, neuroleptics, Benzodiazepines, Barbiturates (short term), and benzo's have had the best results (that's why I didn't want to bring up stuff for anxiety; now someone's gonna tell me how addictive they are, when I'm already going through PAWS). For insomnia I've tried out just about everything. I've never had my OCD formally treated, and not sure exactly what would benefit me there, but that's kind of on the dissociative/anxious spectrum IIRC.

I'm just tired of taking shit that doesn't help and tends to worsen my issues. I give the meds a while to start working before I stop taking them (the one exception was my first round of S(S/N)RI's which landed me in urgent care with serotonin toxicity and was the start of my ongoing anxiety issues). I always give them 2 months or so.

I believe the reason I started doing meth again so much was a result of me being in between psychiatrists in the first place while going through amphetamine, opioid, and benzodiazepine PAWS - it helped make me feel somewhat normal (until I stayed up for too long, or shot too much at once - if I kept my dose under 150mg IV, I could actually function (not trying to rationalize using meth - I know it's not a good idea to use street quality methamphetamine at uncontrolled doses)).

Just kinda lost. I'm better than I was yesterday though as I put down the syringe and got some sleep. Thanks again for the replies.

 

[Vaya]

I know you've likely been told this a thousand times, but using drugs (in particular, amphetamines) truly exacerbates psychotic symptoms and will counteract many of the benefits you may find yourself experiencing from medications - in particular, from the AAP's.

Try to reevaluate your using before giving up on medication-management entirely, and realize that the use of these street drugs is most probably the number one causative factor for the reemergence or continued presence of your psychotic symptoms. I know you don't want to tax your family any more - I respect that, and support it! - but you've got to realize that this requires you not to tax yourself, first.

All the best,
~ Vaya