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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

DecENDber/LESSember

thanx SececaRD :] for the encouragement. it does help alot to know people are behind me on this!
 
Man I have a serious fucking problem keeping posts short lol. So I'll try right now.
Down to 45gms, brothers going on vacation soon which means I got the whole house
to myself. Was very much considering doing a "partial detox" for 5 days then jumping
back on like 10gms or something for another week.

I'm not exactly sure but I'm tapering faster than I've ever done before in my life
and this medication is helping sooooo much I really can't believe it. Its just not normal
to be dropping 5-10gms everyday and not be getting any hotflashes. I'm tired/fatigued,
my moods a little low, but thats really it. Nothing really bad at all. On the way to being
clean I just wish I had started earlier so I can be clean for the holidays, but either way
I'm not rushing because it takes some time to do this right.
 
^ believe me brother the best things in life take time . blink and miss em , im done fuckin around , i will not fuckin let anything get between the life i want.
 
Well guys i didnt get my methadone yet cuz i hav a crazy toothache n i didt go 2 work on friday.
This was my first real test in my sobriety.I had evrey reason to justify getting high n i didnt yay 4 me :).
My tooth still really hurts tho but i hav a dentist appointment tomorrow so i hope i will feel better tomorow.
So far November n decENDber hav bin the 2 best months of this year 4 me im really actually happy :)
I really wanted to thank VILLIAN for quoting what i said in the checkin thread it really helped me.Im not sure if you remember but when i came in and said i think im a lost cause villian found a quote that i said when i was clean saying if i can do it then anyone can.I forgot i wrote that n when villian quoted it n asked if i remembered saying that it brought me 2 tears.So thanks for that i hope you see this villian.
And thankyou to all the rest of you awsome bluelighters i would not b able 2 do anything in life without you guys.You ppl hav no idea how much you can help someone over the internet.
 
Day 58 totally clean.

Have a "family week" session at my program starting monday. Its three days of programming with me and my family. Its going to be so fucking difficult but also I know its going to help alot. I am working on assignments now. I hit day 60 when they are up there and I am kinda saving it to surprise them.

Getting ready to go to a NA meeting and am then going to watch the Bears. Right now NA/AA are working for me. I am keeping an open mind and working the process. I cannot say I will always attend meetings (I am pretty sure I will eventually cut back on the amount at the least) but right now they are going well.

I had to change my sponsor because the one I had was just way to fucking intense. I was uncomfortable and he was pushing the program on me a bit too much. Things are going a better with the new one. The old one said "I respect that decision, because I know you are serious about your recovery". Good shit.

I am learning how to set boundaries nowadays. Before I would have stuck with the old sponsor until he drove me nuts and then tried to ignore him for a few days. During this time I would be racking my brain with guilt. This would have given me a great reason not to go to meetings anymore (well a great reason in my head).

Some days I cannot believe how happy I am in sobriety. My other attempts were always full of misery. It feels like I have now turned a chapter in my life. I am looking in getting my LCSW and going into addictions work.

I had a dream last night that I ended up moving to Florida to do counseling work. My dreams are finally not completely dominated by using. I had using dreams every night for the first 30 or so days. Hopefully my dream last night was a message of things to come.

I feel like I can now accomplish so much as long as I stick to my sobriety. I have everything to gain in this journey. I thought my life was over, but hopefully it has just begun.
 
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Carl: (Still) proud of ya, it is clear that your story of sobriety reclamation has been inspirational to many here and I wish you continued luck.

Myself, 1 week clean from opiates, I'm not afraid that I'll go back to them because of how scared I am OF them. Just. Not. Worth. It. Finally my drive to be successful and sober is overcoming my drive to escape and be that reality-defying "functional addict." Screw that. Although I can say that I learned a lot from all the time and money I wasted =D Some 4th graders were able to take it to heart from their DARE offiser and never had to experience any sort of WD, PAWSy type bullshit. I'm jealous of those guys haha.
 
glad to here you are doing well totach. a lot of the time we only need to be reminded of what we already know and it can make all the difference :) <3

as far as me, I'm doing well. I have been smoking some synthetic cannabinoids before the ban kicks in a couple weeks from now. I haven't been drinking or eating pills.

this is usually a tough time of the year but I'm managing to hold it together. I want to enroll for at least one class next quarter (january) so I can at least get in the habit of going to school again. I think it'll be easier to get into the school lifestyle taking one class rather then jumping in all at once.

my main issues right now are a bit of anxiety and depression hanging around from the benzo withdrawal. I still haven't got back into a good schedule regarding exercise but I'm working on it.

I got a new kitten and that is awesome.

I still haven't found a job and my PO will probably give me some shit next time I see him.. so I'm working on that as well.

hope everyone is well.
 
It's a rare day this month that I don't do some type of drug... Well actually it's never, since I take a lot of medication, but there were a few times this month where I did not do any drug that got me "high". Right now, the best that I can say is that I don't have a habit, I'm not addicted to any particular drug and I'm not withdrawing. For the next week I promise to myself that I won't do any opiates or benzos, I was indulging too much earlier in the month. Hopefully I can keep that promise!
 
woke up and honestly took a beating in the cage fighting , still ran but i could barely drive home. I've been to sleep twice , i DID not mean to due to the fact you can easily slip into a bad place if you have concussion (which I have 9 of) - so I am forced to now stop that aspect of my life. A piece of something I love is gone but I am amazed how some good friends can keep my spirits up, my main focus is the same my drive is never stronger and my goals will be obtained.

not as edgy w/out smoking - tell you right now you get me quitting ciggs , i shouldn't even have a license to leave the weight room. I was straight mayhem lol.
 
still sober, but i'd really like to get high.

i've had using dreams the past 3 nights and I haven't had them in months.

i'm not a fan of the holidays.

meh.
 
5.5 months of clean time.

but this is the big one for me today. 4.5 days withouth a cigg!!! woot woot. this one almost seemed harder than the drugs haha but i did it.

just went to a concert last night with all ppl that are clean, and it was awesome. my sponsor is the lead guitarist and he rocked it. he's been teaching me to play before and after meetings. its just soo cool that i can do these types of things today and not have to worry about having enough drugs to keep me going or having to sell my stuff to get more drugs !! haha
 
Aight guys so i finally took my last dose of subs last tuesday.
On wednsday i took 1 10mg methadone
thursday took 1
And friday i took 2 pills so 20mg
which brings me to 2day.I felt pretty good the last 2 days but 2day is when my stomach really starting bugging out.
Other then that not much else w/d so far.Ill keep you guys updated im really glad i made it 3 days so far with absolutley no opiate at all.I hope i keep it up.
Next up is stopping my little xanax habit.Wish me luck wit that guys.
To sum it up decENDber is going great :)
I wish the same for the rest of you guys :)
 
^^Good luck man and good job.

I haven't used opiates in a week, my times between using are getting longer and longer and the cravings have diminshed greatly. Im feeling better and better everyday, almost normal. Finally, that irrational anxiety I had been having since I tapered off of suboxone 6 months ago is almost all gone. I'm able to finally relax around people and socialize like a normal person. Like Ice Cube says "today was a good day".:)
 
December is the most stressful time of the year for me. No wonder I drink, and I'm probably going to keep drinking until the end of december. Fuck this shit and christmas too. Just too much stuff going on. I need my peace and quiet! I function best when I'm in my own little bubble, away from all this. But yeah, jaNEWary is going to be awesome :)
 
Im looking forward to jaNEWary 2 what a great name.I said in NOvember i hope 2 get off the xanax but i couldnt do it yet.
So hopefully i will b able 2 do it jaNEWary :)
 
I should be doing some stuff, but I been so freaking busy lately that I'm just chilling now.

Talking to my stepsister on facebook, hadn't talked to her in a while, feels good.

Busy, busy, busy...too busy

I bought a hat today...I wanted to for a while. It's not the ultimate hat that I wanted, but for the first hat I've worn since I've been in elementary school, I do like it. So I feel good about hat. =D


Haha, being off opiates is fucking great. I love giving a shit about things that I used to think were trivial. I found out I do like looking good. Hey if I'm going to spend $50 on something for myself, that makes me look good, I like it a lot better than getting high once for a few hours.

I like other people too, more than I thought. Like interacting and socializing. I don't like being alone much.

I really haven't been alone too much lately. I work a lot.



Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Story time:

I can't recall if I wastedly rambled about it on here, but I almost got arrested. That shook me up a bit. I was going to write out the story, but I want to talk to my lawyer and contact a friend who has connections with the ACLU. Basically I want to make a big deal out of this because it was bullshit. In short, it was a legit pull me over, an illegitimate claim that my car smelled of marijuana, an unjustified search, and then an unconsented search of my vehicle because my car "smelled like marijuana". I vaporize. I don't smoke in my car. My friends smoke cigs once in a while. I ate a cheeseburger in there that day. This claim of "smelling weed" is bullshit since there is NO WAY I can possibly refute what an officer is claiming his nose is smelling. :X :!

I am super pissed about this still. I hadn't had my lights all the way on, just the parking lights (so the dashboard lights came on) and the street lights made me not realize my lights were on. I should have gotten a ticket for that, that was dangerous. I would rather get a ticket than in an accident. What I got was an unwarranted search (for marijuana no less), two disappointed officers, no ticket, and the feeling that they were more interested in arresting me for drugs than for caring about public safety a la me not having lights all the way on. :p

Dude, argh, I'm now mad I started thinking about this. I was relaxed and now I'm all fired up! :X
 
Carl man I know cops suck and I've often wanted to kill a few myself but pot stinks like nothing else in this world regardless of whether you smoke it or not.
I literally had a bag in my jeans for 1 hour, took the bag out to store, wore the jeans the following day and had a girl ask me if I smoke pot at class. It wasn't even in my pants for 1 hour and the smell followed me to school the next day. I'd imagine it lasts much longer then you think.
And not sure if you smoke cigarettes but if you do I'd say chances are that much higher he smelled something that you couldn't.
Were you wearing any clothes that could have been contaminated? Those oils in the leaf attach to really anything. And if you can find a logical reason for there to have been a smell at least you will chill out and feel better about it. I know how much I hate cops but I also know never to trust my nose when it comes to smelling drugs I do. And vaporizing definitely doesn't get rid of the smell if you're smoking some funky kind bud or something.
 
Dude have you ever used a vaporizer? The smell doesn't cling.

There wasn't weed to be smelled and no one smokes in my car.

This couldn't be simpler.
 
Sucks carl but it doesn't matter

"I smell weed" = standard police excuse to search your car when they have no evidence

Like you said, you can never refute it. It is the cops word against yours and the cop will always win. I personally wouldn't bother making a stink about it because you are just wasting your time..

I'm glad you are doing well though!

I love giving a shit about things that I used to think were trivial. I found out I do like looking good. Hey if I'm going to spend $50 on something for myself, that makes me look good, I like it a lot better than getting high once for a few hours.
Click to expand...

Right? I hear you..
 
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