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December Recovery Thread

Still sober... Today was kinda rough. Very unmotivated, flat, emotionless, except for melloncollie indifference. I had a moment where I was tempted to take a little kratom this afternoon but I resisted and the craving passed. Opiates certainly fuck up circadian rythym. I wake up anxious, then start getting tired and flat towards the end of the day and then nervous energy once the sun sets...so weird. Almost like clock work. I hope I sleep well tonight.
 
day 8 for me, still feel rough as, goosebumps, aches and pains, my knee joints hurt like fuck

my mood/anxiety is ok though today, but that could be the Amitryptiline kicking in!

not looking forward to a family xmas at all, cant be fucking arsed with it

maybe 2020 will be a better year!!

keep it up folks
 
somnilicious said:
@somnilicious thank you for your kindness and message. your kind words helped alot trying to get through the last few days. i dunno i feel like i am being taken out 😁 i used to feel so alive.
maybe it's the flu or the weather.
i am trying to say to myself that i am not loosing my mind because i say so.
i drank some champagne and sparkling wine last night to feel better. true story. omg.
yesterday i felt like i might have pneumonia but i think i decongestant might help.
my head hurts too. i was going to take a hydrocodone if i ever got really sick. But ! think i am just having symptoms bc i quit taking xan's. so i am keeping up with my dabs right now. so sorry for TMI. i am trying to get better.
i am going to go get a tamale from the reefer right now, with a disgusting diet coke to wash it down.
thank you for you concerns and sense of community with great support and understanding of looking out for others from a place of working to understand.
i just am saying thanks and that i am trying so hard to make my head work right now.
i wannt to try to take cetirizine right now but i don't know if i can.
i actually went outside yesterday and went to the store and took my dog out. i had to use alot of bud though. and my lungs hurt from pneumonia or just a snotty cold. but i always feel like this except for the snotty lungs. i might go ask for antibiotics but the cetirizine might work first.
i know for a fact that the hydrocodone would definitely be all that i need to help but i have been at least 3 months without opioids and i am not that desperate yet ! but i am definitely accomplishing my goal to quit opioids as long as possible. the end. lol.
Click to expand...
somnilicious said:
ha
@somnilicious thank you for your kindness and message. your kind words helped alot trying to get through the last few days. i dunno i feel like i am being taken out 😁 i used to feel so alive.
maybe it's the flu or the weather.
i am trying to say to myself that i am not loosing my mind because i say so.
i drank some champagne and sparkling wine last night to feel better. true story. omg.
yesterday i felt like i might have pneumonia but i think i decongestant might help.
my head hurts too. i was going to take a hydrocodone if i ever got really sick. But ! think i am just having symptoms bc i quit taking xan's. so i am keeping up with my dabs right now. so sorry for TMI. i am trying to get better.
i am going to go get a tamale from the reefer right now, with a disgusting diet coke to wash it down.
thank you for you concerns and sense of community with great support and understanding of looking out for others from a place of working to understand.
i just am saying thanks and that i am trying so hard to make my head work right now.
i wannt to try to take cetirizine right now but i don't know if i can.
i actually went outside yesterday and went to the store and took my dog out. i had to use alot of bud though. and my lungs hurt from pneumonia or just a snotty cold. but i always feel like this except for the snotty lungs. i might go ask for antibiotics but the cetirizine might work first.
i know for a fact that the hydrocodone would definitely be all that i need to help but i have been at least 3 months without opioids and i am not that desperate yet ! but i am definitely accomplishing my goal to quit opioids as long as possible. the end. lol.
Click to expand...

help . why is my shit doin this ! . .,.
 
It's a fucking battle alright. Its going to be worth it in the long run though,just keep getting through a day at a time. Think of it as growing pains.
 
I'm still dealing with two major losses from this year and my brain is already in 2020 mode trying to call it "last year". I just want this year to be gone. My brain hasn't revolved back to being suicidal. I still feel somewhat....emotionally numb, erased or deleted. Like what used to be me is just gone. It's a nice feeling because I couldn't deal with all that shit. It's like a hailstorm on the brain.

PtahTek said:
doing ok, brrrr.
someone talkin about new years resolution and not thinking said guess mine would be staying alive for another year. :)
been fuckin up since birth it seems.
have become comfortably numb to it now ... to steal a phrase.
hope to see ya another year.
one
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Here's to seeing 2020. This year was fucking hell on wheels. AND IT DIDN'T TAKE SIGNIFICANT DRUG WITHDRAWAL TO MAKE IT ONE OF THE WORST YEARS BY FAR. Wow. It just kind of dawned on me how I didn't need to go off a huge habit for things to get bad really quick. It was a true test of my patience/ability to tough it out or whatever. Not like it matters.

We're both still here so that's something. :)
 
finally off for christmas!!!! so need a break.

argh my brain is feeling from my therapy. the lady said that she viewed my sex work as completely the same as the abuse i suffered before. i'd never viewed it like that, but do agree, i was obviously a crackhead, but i just don't know what to do with that information. i broke down in tears about it at a meeting so i guess its upsetting but most of the time i just can't feel it, but it means i can't work out how i feel about it to be able to work through it.
 
I've got 2 weeks sober from all drugs including weed. I am going to meetings 3X per week, lots of reading very intensive program. I am very happy to leave the hard drug behind. I am experiencing lots of benefits from leaving daily heavy cannabis use behind also. However my addict mind still tells me that it would be nice to use cannabis on special occaisions. However history has shown me that i use cannabis 24/7 and "once in a while" is something i've never been able to do with cannabis. I'm still confused about cannabis. i know i don't want to be a full on stoner though.
 
@chinup, I find the CBT/Smart litmus test for beliefs helpful: is there evidence for this belief and is this belief helpful?

Her opinion is her opinion, and calling all "problematic" sex in the same category as abuse sounds like the "dichotomous thinking" cognitive distortion and robs us of our agency.

When I was in my later teens I had some sexual experiences that were perhaps exploitative but I don't find it helpful to a) dwell on them or b) view myself through the lens of victim. I was using a lot in NYC in the nightlife scene, I was young and not bad looking and I had various experiences, many good and some not so much and shades in between.

Anyway that's one sliver of my identity, in the past. Who cares what any given therapist thinks? Everyone has an opinion.

Merry Xmas, bluelight health and recovery.
 
jb99 said:
@chinup
Her opinion is her opinion, and calling all "problematic" sex in the same category as abuse sounds like the "dichotomous thinking" cognitive distortion and robs us of our agency.
Click to expand...

I thought the same thing... Viewing sex work as the same as abuse someone suffered seems to be more damaging than helpful. I'm kind of surprised the therapist said that honestly.
 
If you recently picking back up heroin and math, I am having some inner thoughts about basically what is going on with my brain in my body and just me as a whole right now.

Due to some certain uncertain circumstances that were brought about by myself, well mainly myself, I have been in a slump and pretty depressed over the past 5 to 6 months. Only having just picked up about six weeks ago.

The thing that is annoying me, is that whenever I do not have drugs, meth and heroin to be specific, I am basically useless. I am almost positive that this is the product of my mental health and its current state, but it’s pretty confusing whenever you are practicing moderation with substances, and they are actually being pretty successful At doing their job, and in my case, helping me get up and go to work and be productive on days that I would rather just lay in bed all day and sulk and wallow in self pity.

So, I mean, there isn’t too much recovery going on in my neck of the woods as of now. Aside from the current CBT style of behavior modification that I have decided to dabble in, which is actually proving to be more successful than I thought it would.
 
I'm not even suicidal just really fucking depressed and having a hard time dealing w/ emotions. WITH the flu (past the contagious stage) I STILL tried to do CONSTRUCTIVE things and did as much as humanly possible and still feel like shit because I can't help but think I'm a fucking failure. :| And the sick thing is I know that's a facet of "Depression/pstd style thinking" I CANNOT HELP BUT FEEL IT JUST AS REAL/LEGITIMATE AS ANYTHING ELSE I AM FEELING. I cannot. I don't get it. I try to remind myself "this is what the disorder makes you think" etc "it's just neurotransmitters" DOES NOT HELP.


I don't even want hard drugs really, I just want sleep and to try more productive life stuff and not feel like a failure tomorrow.
 
2020 not good for me.
not good not good not good.
sorrry, not good.

~ panic attack ~
yes, so awful.
 
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