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December '14 -- SL Getting & Staying Sober Thread

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I know... that's what I was saying ;p If he's not serious about getting clean, he's getting kicked to the curb. I've been down this road before, I was dating someone who was supplying me drugs right before I got clean last time too... same situation, he kept saying he was gonna get clean with me and then would just end up offering me drugs. Took me about a week to finally realize he wasn't serious and didn't have my best interests in mind, but he was very much dunzo once I figured it out lol... and what do you know, I ended up getting some solid clean time once he was gone. I know what I need to do if it happens again, my mind is already made up... no worries, I have no problem with cutting people off if I need to. People like that are easily replaceable. There are only a few people in my life that I can't imagine not ever having around, and none of them use opiates!!

I am all for making radical changes :)

I won't do inpatient rehab again... never had success with it. The two times I HAVE had success, it was by quitting on my own at home. Mostly because, like you said, I need to make radical changes in order to be successful... the times I've gotten clean it had everything to do with throwing myself back into normal activities as quickly as possible (going out with my sober friends, hanging with family, working on my music, finding new hobbies and activities and friends, going to school, finding a job, etc.) I'm pretty sure this is why rehab environments have never worked for me. Only being around other addicts, most of whom are only there by force and don't actually want to quit and a few others who actually keep using and bringing drugs into the facility, having to talk and think about it 24/7... nope, can't do it. It perpetuates my cravings and impulses to use BAD. I literally have questioned my sanity every single time I've been in a rehab facility (and it's been a few different times already) because I could NOT stop thinking about using no matter what... fuck it was horrible. I need distraction and normalcy and people I care about and who care about me and who are good influences around me.

But some sort of outpatient program is a different story entirely... that's something I have actually been thinking about lately. I do think it could be beneficial for me to have a place to go where I can dedicate time to my recovery but without having to think about it 24/7, where I have a secondary place other than just Bluelight to talk to other people in my situation, and where I can sort through my feelings and thought processes and learn new coping skills and such. It sounds like a pretty damn good idea to me... problem is I don't have health insurance anymore as of August :/
 
Just an update-im still clean of h, havent been posting much because ive just been in a holding pattern on 2mg sub, but tomorrow am im gooing to try my best to take 1.5. Want to be clean by Jan 1, so i need to get this done once and for all.
 
BlueSaffron said:
Just an update-im still clean of h, havent been posting much because ive just been in a holding pattern on 2mg sub, but tomorrow am im gooing to try my best to take 1.5. Want to be clean by Jan 1, so i need to get this done once and for all.
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Congrats Blue!!!!!!

I have 53 days

Trying so hard to keep my mind clear of suicidal thoughts.
 
Today is the first time since I quit long-term benzos four months ago that I felt absolutely awesome. On a scale of 10 I reached 10 today! <3:D

I know recovery is a roller coaster of ups and downs and I have no illusions that I will feel like this from now on however this window of normalcy has made me realize that my brain isn't forever ruined and I have the potential to feel like a human being and enjoy life again. I am not a huge fan of the holidays so the fact I had such a great day so close to Christmas makes it even more amazing. I also finished fall semester with a 4.0!
 
straightrazor said:
Today is the first time since I quit long-term benzos four months ago that I felt absolutely awesome. On a scale of 10 I reached 10 today! <3:D

I know recovery is a roller coaster of ups and downs and I have no illusions that I will feel like this from now on however this window of normalcy has made me realize that my brain isn't forever ruined and I have the potential to feel like a human being and enjoy life again. I am not a huge fan of the holidays so the fact I had such a great day so close to Christmas makes it even more amazing. I also finished fall semester with a 4.0!
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WOW.. thats filled with good stuff. Nice work!!

Im going to push my tobacco quit day back to jan 4. I dont want to be all grumpy and wacked out around my kido. So this is a better date.
 
C.H... haha I def don't need anyone to help me hate the drugs... I despise heroin alllll on my own haha!! I do agree though, I would never be with an active heroin user when I'm trying to stay clean. I don't even like them much when I'm not clean, so... lol. I learned my lesson on that one the first time around... it just could never work. either they're down to get clean too, or they're dunzo... it's as simple as that. people come and go in the heroin game, I'm used to it. as mean as that might sound, it's no sweat off my back if people don't wanna stick around. that's their problem, not mine :)

All that being said, I'll be starting Subs tomorrow at 4pm (hopefully later cuz I wanna try to go past 24 hours). That's a good time for me... it's not SO early that I'll have to deal with withdrawals before I go to sleep tonight, but it's also not SO late that I'll have to put up with them for most of the day tomorrow. Regardless, I plan to stay up as late as possible tonight, so I can sleep through as much of it as I can tomorrow. It will be Saturday, so I have the whole day to sleep in as much as I want and not have any obligations to worry about :) I've also secured four Xanax bars, so that will help IMMENSELY. I've thrown away all of my gear as well. It's in a dumpster somewhere two counties over, so no worries at all about that particular trigger anymore either!! I'm feeling really good about it this time, I think I'm finally gonna make it :D
 
straightrazor said:
Today is the first time since I quit long-term benzos four months ago that I felt absolutely awesome. On a scale of 10 I reached 10 today! <3:D

I know recovery is a roller coaster of ups and downs and I have no illusions that I will feel like this from now on however this window of normalcy has made me realize that my brain isn't forever ruined and I have the potential to feel like a human being and enjoy life again. I am not a huge fan of the holidays so the fact I had such a great day so close to Christmas makes it even more amazing. I also finished fall semester with a 4.0!
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Dude that's amazing. I am proud of you.
 
Hey hey xburtonchic, it's good to see you back…
That's what i did… I picked up 4 of those bars for 4 days… I took them in the evenings. Good luck tomorrow switching over. I'm rooting for ya!
~ Smoky :)
 
I hope you are feeling a bit better today CH. I have only had to deal with suicidal thoughts on a few occasions, during early withdrawal of one kick I would have weird vivid daydreams (fantasies?) about killing myself and others. It was very graphic stuff and completely antithetical to my normal persona. The only way I could really deal with them was by attempting to be mindful and stepping out of my own head to try to simply observe these visions until they ran their course. If I wasn't actively being mindful I could easily get drawn into these thoughts to the point of obsession.

When you say "suicidal thoughts" do you mean something similar to what I was going through, like graphic depictions of the physical act of death in your head?

This was definitely one of the more unpleasant aspects of withdrawal I have ever had to deal with and I was lucky enough not to have these thoughts recur for weeks or months on end. You have already made it this far so at this point it is just about continuing to fight. You can do it, you've got this.

NSFW:
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Grateful to be clean today! Went to a family part yesterday, had to leave a bit early as people were starting to drink a bit, my mom also had knee surgery and she was on pain pills which really triggered me of course. Its so weird, she is walking around with this huge knee brace on and I am jealous of her for a few seconds lol. This disease is a real asshole sometimes.
 
went ten days without any opiates, then thursday got two folds... felt so guilty about doing it I couldnt even enjoy it... idk if I felt guilty because Im on paper n gota piss this week or cause it would really disapoint my family or cause I know I shouldnt be doing it... anyways back upto day 3!!
 
I babysat for my friends kids last night... amazing kids, they were so adorable and I had so much fun <3

But above all it's good to know that I've redeemed myself to a point where people trust me to be alone in their house, not to mention taking care of their kids. More importantly it's good to know I can trust myself about that kind of stuff again. I might not be exactly where I want to be yet, but I've come a hella long way from where I was a year and a half ago. Baby steps, that's all you can really ask for sometimes. Progress is progress <3
 
I never knew how addictive poppy seed tea could be... I have been using it "recreationally" on the weekends, but now I crave it everyday. I was so sick from it that it made me vomit, hallucinate, sleep for about 20 hours etc.

This was a tough year, and I was on and off with opiates. Maybe January will be better for me, but December is so fucking hard right now.
 
aq. said:
I never knew how addictive poppy seed tea could be... I have been using it "recreationally" on the weekends, but now I crave it everyday. I was so sick from it that it made me vomit, hallucinate, sleep for about 20 hours etc.

This was a tough year, and I was on and off with opiates. Maybe January will be better for me, but December is so fucking hard right now.
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Sorry to hear your struggling<3. Have to attack the addiction to stop it from constantly attacking us. Beat it mercilessly over and over.


Captain.Heroin said:
And thank you NSA. I survived another day.
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Very good to hear Sir:)
 
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