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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Debt will be the death of me

I don't know. It's hard to avoid crises when the depression is this severe. Some days I'm this close to losing my job because I get caught in these spirals where I might just walk out. I did it with my last job with the intention of going home and killing myself for almost no reason. I had a cocked shotgun but I pussied out.

To answer your question directly, my mental state is becoming less and less reactive to what's really happening outside of myself, my crisis modes are unpredictable and I realize a lot of people on this board talk about suicide, but I really think that eventually I'm going to do it regardless of outside circumstances or happenings.

Debt is just one element to it. It will probably be the official reason according to outsiders. But I can't explain how my real pain feels. It just hurts and thinking about the reasons makes me actually hurt physically in my stomach and head. I'm just tired.
 
I can definitely relate to depression and work. I actually did lose my job after my ex died...all I did was read BL and talk about my BF in chats. They gave me about 3 months and let me go. Looking back, i really didn't care and it actually worked out better for me.

However, the stress levels shot through the roof after I lost my job.
 
You can get work if you try hard enough. I know its easier said than done though. Get rid of the shit you absolutley dont need, file bankruptcy if needed. If you use drugs, maybe you should look in to stopping that also. Theres shit you need, and theres shit you dont. You CAN get yourself out of this. Every one has alot of trouble with debts, but you DONT need to die over this. There must be some people who would be very sad if you died.
 
I am not rich but I came into some money and instead of investing it or even just leaving it the f*ck alone, It went up my nose. I wouldnt be surprise if 50k $ went up my nose. I also invested some and lost it pretty much all of it.
So yeah, trust me, there are people who also did dumb sh*t. I hate thinking about it, makes me sick how much I lost. I know what you mean physically sick. Things sometimes seem so pointless and I just cannot imagine that I will have enough energy to get my sh*t together again. It seems just so far away and so much work, to be again in the green, have spending money, not worry about it. And I am around the same age as you. Now I have pretty much no savings. I also often thought about suicide. But then I think if I really want to end it all. What if this is all there is. Just this life and then puff, darkness,cold, black void. I like life even If it sometimes seems totally shitty. Fresh sunny morning and crisp air, hot bath in the winter, a cute girl in my arms on the couch watching a good movie or laughing playing a game on the xbox with her,traveling and the freedom of it, enjoying my favourite pizza and coke mmm...

Sometimes we romanticize suicide, an easy way out of course but we do not really think about what it means. Cause that really ends it all. Whats important is that you do not carry that burden with you all the time. Put the past where it belong cause theres nothing you can do and start going in the direction of restoring you life again. And stop convincing yourself how insane you are and how you wont be able to get out of this. People always do this sh*t but its just words. There is nothing writen in stone about you. You can always change, you can easily get out of this with the right mindset. But words and thoughts can be a problem because if we keep saying some eventually we start believing it. You are still young, you can get your life back on track in a few years even if you are lucky.

Meet with that lawyer, make a plan and live it day by day. I managed to stop thinking about it all the time and regreting the past all the time. I cannot do anything about it now but from this point in time I am not doing such dumb sh*t again. Learned my lesson. So really, try to find things that you love, meet with your friends, try to find a solution for your problems (its in our nature that we convince ourselves that things are worse than they are.. we just like the drama in our lifes because of our egos. Thats why suicide is so appealing, it the ultimate drama, all about us, punishing ourselves for what we think we did wrong and at the same time believing how we will end all of our suffering now). Also what can give you a very interesting and new perspective on life is buddhism and its philosophy. I recommend it very much because it far more advanced than any western philosophy and is not a religion(actually teaches you not to believe in any god or anything blindly) but teaches you about yourself and your ego.
good luck dude ;)
 
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I have had mental/emotional issues since childhood . described as a "sad child" by my aunt - in law .
The usual gambit of addictions and overdoses since late teens .
The worst that suicidal ideation has gotten in the past five years was due to prescribed, long term zolpidem . I was unable to get out of a chair - constant ruminations about sticking my hand gun to my temple .
I have a teeny business that I run out of my garage and a customer who is a proper gentleman was by for work that he needed to be done . I had asked friends and other acquaintances if they had considered suicide as I had nothing outside of my head urging me to fucking die . This gent answered in the positive-that it was something that he and other family members had struggled with for their entire lives . His son had, infact done himself in .

The guy invited me to his home and his wife showed me the regimen of mood stabilizers and anti depressants that she regulated during his daytime work and play .

He didn't know the quack that had me on zolpidem for 14 months because it was a VA doc . However he did unequivocally recommend a spendy private guy and said it was worth the $$.

Within the first 15 minutes in this Pdoc's office he said ''stop taking the Ambien, it's a depressant-I know what I am saying". Long and short of it is that I did cease began using Seroquel low dose for the raging insomnia . 24 hours after stopping, the suicidal ideation just fucking stopped .

All this typing is only to show that for some among us the drugs that we take wreak havoc on our minds and we can not be objective about it - that's what a competent Psychiatrist is for.
 
Today I did something good and told my boss that I am losing the fight with depression and that I had one honest, no cry for help attempt 2 years ago that I'm pretty sure landed me in some sort of minor coma for almost a week with no one there to help (Scandanavian winters are terrible for people who are already seriously depressed, as cool as the perpetual night felt). He took me out of the warehouse for the day and we drove from meeting to meeting and talked. Then I told him about the cocked mossberg 12 gauge shotgun I kept next to the bed for months, just trying to work up the nerve. I eventually gave the gun away to a friend who has it locked in a safe where he doesn't even know the current location.

I then confessed to him that when I left work early yesterday because my depression was literally physically crippling me, I went to the gun store to look at the same pistol grip mossberg that I gave away. It was 400 dollars, which I have, but I didn't buy it because I was scared.

Here is the crazy part of the story: my boss told me first that me and him are the same. I was like "bullshit" because he runs a business that employs nine people and has 1 million in revenue per year, and is basically the man around Houston - getting raped nightly by chicks who could be models yet connected and civilized enough to cut deals with city officials, charities, and basically all of the other winners and faces in the fourth largest city in the country. (Sorry, he's kind of my role model - and he's Jewish, which means I would probably like him even if he was an asshole).

But I digress: this man - this saint - told me that up until his cousin came to town less than a week ago, he had my same shotgun on his nightstand every night because he was also considering suicide as an extremely serious option. And that's not even the most ridiculous coincidence, either: his stepfather committed suicide for the exact same reason that really brought me down the farthest I've ever been - his stepfather was playing the options market and lost everything in less than a year, just like me.

I don't know about fate or god, but just like the collective help from bluelight I've gotten over the year (from each and every one of you who take time to help a stranger named captainballs over and over again), this man's friendship and these revelations he revealed which are almost supernatural in their relevance to me personally have given me some serious hope. He is even going to go so far as to pick me up every morning at 6 to work out before work. I never pinned him as the type that is as deeply suicidal as me, and this could be a way for us both to build each other in different ways. Another boost he gave me was telling me that "for a guy with your potential, a hundred grand really isn't going to be that much money. You'll see."

.Man wtf! And now I've got a bankruptcy lawyer who is going to politic his way through the people who matter to get me an awesomely unfair deal... And I mean that in the best way possible :) he is my boss's lawyer's lawyer and usually handles outrageously complex cases. It kind of sucks I need to come up with a grand just to talk to him, but I hear he's a killer with all kinds of connections. Old school guy, the type I always look for who is allowed a law breaking handicap just like in golf lol.
 
Are you sure you need a lawyer who is shifty? Bankruptcy is pretty cut and dried from what I hear. You either can or can't file on things. Why pay more than a standard fee?
 
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