aethera
Greenlighter
Sorry for the lack of any formatting. This is my first post here, I've read through this forum quite a bit.
First off, I want to say please, I don't want you to school me on what I did wrong and how stupid I was. I don't need it. 6 months ago I ordered 80mg of 25i-nBOME HCL. I had done LSD 6 times, and DMT once. I have used no other illegal drugs aside the ones I stated, and cannabis. Another thing, I have to be honest with my intentions of buying this drug. I intended to sell it as LSD, which I ended up not doing because 25i is horrible.
At 10:00 pm I eyeballed 1mg of the HCL and dissolved it in 99% IPL. I soaked a piece of cardboard, and let it dry out. I had the remaining drug on my bed on a piece of paper. My dog happened to be sleeping under my blanket with my knowledge, and she sneezed and the powder was gone. At that point I had had the "tab" in my mouth for 30 minutes. I was very angry all the money I spend was gone, and began to think I wasn't going to trip. I stuck my tongue in the empty bag, just to make sure I would trip. It began. I began to see the walls move, and objects in my room warp and bend. It was bliss and I felt intense euphoria. It began to get more and more intense, I tried to watch a funny show on youtube to keep my mood up, but it became too much. I couldn't handle it anymore. 30 minutes into the trip I was done, I had done 500ug of LSD once, and it was like drinking water compared to this. I called my best friend, who is the only person I trip with. I just wanted to talk to him, hold onto reality. My phone died. And into hell for the next 12 hours.
The thoughts I had and the things I saw were truly horrific. I believed I was going to die. The vasoconstriction, and I felt a dark energy in my body. It was how I though meth would feel like. I talked to myself in absolute insanity for 8 hours. I looked in the mirror and realized my mind was gone. The concept of my being was shattered, and I looked at my own hands in utter bewilderment. I stared at myself in the mirror for one hour. The concepts of taste and touch were unfathomable. My dad gave me my lunch money, and he went off to work. I walked into my backyard, through the darkness, and felt as though I had been there for all of time. As my mom drove me to school, I saw the mountains melting. When I got to class, I was an alien. I was in a room of people I have know for most of my life, and they were strangers. I cannot describe those feelings. I attempted to take a math quiz, and I could not read it. I stared at the carpet for the entire class. About 11:00 AM the visual effects had worn off. I went home and slept until the next morning. Slowly I became more back to normal.
For weeks my mind was essentially blank and I spend all of my time "out of it." As my life fell back into place, I became somewhat back to normal. The pain was being normal when everything you knew is alien. The worst pain. Then the flashbacks started about 3 months after the incident. I remember it vividly, having a good day, I had just met a nice girl I really liked. In English class, all of the sudden I felt out of it. I fell into a trance, starring at the ground. My thoughts were out of control, and I felt as though I didn't know where I was. Reality changed, everything looked "different" but no visual distortion or hallucination. Depression and anxiety also. I walked to my next class and it was like being in a foreign country. I saw my friend I talk to everyday, and couldn't even manage to greet him. After that day, I would have a flashback maybe once a week at the most. It has greatly worsened. I have become more depressed, almost all the time.
The flashbacks have become more intense and almost everyday. Currently I am in a constant state of nothing being like it should. It's become so hard to do anything, and no one understands. I frequently get comments from my family at social gatherings like a birthday party or holiday thinking I'm "stoned" and being very upset when in fact I haven't touched a psychoactive substance after that day, I decided to smoke marijuana just yesterday. I have extreme difficulty talking to my family, people who watched me grow up. Often new people I meet say I'm zoned out. I don't know what to do now. It's become so bad I can't deal with it anymore. I want to be normal. I find the only thing that takes away my plight is hiking, being in nature alone. I've been meditating everyday for months, and trying as hard as I can to think positive thought but It's just not working. I can't talk with my family about it, only my trusted friends, and even then some people turn away from me. I have scheduled psychiatrist appointment 2 weeks from today, because I can't cope anymore. I have no idea what to tell the doctor. If I tell the real story, they will probably put me on anti-psychotics which I really do not want, they will also want to take urine tests, see that I will test positive for marijuana and label me an addict. I have heard several stories of this exact thing happening, and people not allowed medication they need. Please, any advice.
First off, I want to say please, I don't want you to school me on what I did wrong and how stupid I was. I don't need it. 6 months ago I ordered 80mg of 25i-nBOME HCL. I had done LSD 6 times, and DMT once. I have used no other illegal drugs aside the ones I stated, and cannabis. Another thing, I have to be honest with my intentions of buying this drug. I intended to sell it as LSD, which I ended up not doing because 25i is horrible.
At 10:00 pm I eyeballed 1mg of the HCL and dissolved it in 99% IPL. I soaked a piece of cardboard, and let it dry out. I had the remaining drug on my bed on a piece of paper. My dog happened to be sleeping under my blanket with my knowledge, and she sneezed and the powder was gone. At that point I had had the "tab" in my mouth for 30 minutes. I was very angry all the money I spend was gone, and began to think I wasn't going to trip. I stuck my tongue in the empty bag, just to make sure I would trip. It began. I began to see the walls move, and objects in my room warp and bend. It was bliss and I felt intense euphoria. It began to get more and more intense, I tried to watch a funny show on youtube to keep my mood up, but it became too much. I couldn't handle it anymore. 30 minutes into the trip I was done, I had done 500ug of LSD once, and it was like drinking water compared to this. I called my best friend, who is the only person I trip with. I just wanted to talk to him, hold onto reality. My phone died. And into hell for the next 12 hours.
The thoughts I had and the things I saw were truly horrific. I believed I was going to die. The vasoconstriction, and I felt a dark energy in my body. It was how I though meth would feel like. I talked to myself in absolute insanity for 8 hours. I looked in the mirror and realized my mind was gone. The concept of my being was shattered, and I looked at my own hands in utter bewilderment. I stared at myself in the mirror for one hour. The concepts of taste and touch were unfathomable. My dad gave me my lunch money, and he went off to work. I walked into my backyard, through the darkness, and felt as though I had been there for all of time. As my mom drove me to school, I saw the mountains melting. When I got to class, I was an alien. I was in a room of people I have know for most of my life, and they were strangers. I cannot describe those feelings. I attempted to take a math quiz, and I could not read it. I stared at the carpet for the entire class. About 11:00 AM the visual effects had worn off. I went home and slept until the next morning. Slowly I became more back to normal.
For weeks my mind was essentially blank and I spend all of my time "out of it." As my life fell back into place, I became somewhat back to normal. The pain was being normal when everything you knew is alien. The worst pain. Then the flashbacks started about 3 months after the incident. I remember it vividly, having a good day, I had just met a nice girl I really liked. In English class, all of the sudden I felt out of it. I fell into a trance, starring at the ground. My thoughts were out of control, and I felt as though I didn't know where I was. Reality changed, everything looked "different" but no visual distortion or hallucination. Depression and anxiety also. I walked to my next class and it was like being in a foreign country. I saw my friend I talk to everyday, and couldn't even manage to greet him. After that day, I would have a flashback maybe once a week at the most. It has greatly worsened. I have become more depressed, almost all the time.
The flashbacks have become more intense and almost everyday. Currently I am in a constant state of nothing being like it should. It's become so hard to do anything, and no one understands. I frequently get comments from my family at social gatherings like a birthday party or holiday thinking I'm "stoned" and being very upset when in fact I haven't touched a psychoactive substance after that day, I decided to smoke marijuana just yesterday. I have extreme difficulty talking to my family, people who watched me grow up. Often new people I meet say I'm zoned out. I don't know what to do now. It's become so bad I can't deal with it anymore. I want to be normal. I find the only thing that takes away my plight is hiking, being in nature alone. I've been meditating everyday for months, and trying as hard as I can to think positive thought but It's just not working. I can't talk with my family about it, only my trusted friends, and even then some people turn away from me. I have scheduled psychiatrist appointment 2 weeks from today, because I can't cope anymore. I have no idea what to tell the doctor. If I tell the real story, they will probably put me on anti-psychotics which I really do not want, they will also want to take urine tests, see that I will test positive for marijuana and label me an addict. I have heard several stories of this exact thing happening, and people not allowed medication they need. Please, any advice.
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