Death of friend/ detox/ family problems

[whattodomane]

Here is my story as of now. I am going to leave out certain details which aren’t relevant but will mention all the relevant information. I’m 22 years old, started drinking and smoking when I was around 14 or 15. Slowly I expanded my drug use, that by the age of 17 I had pretty much tried every drug available. Before I ever used any drug or took my first puff of weed I did hours upon hours of research on bluelight and erowid. I made sure I was very educated on what I put into my body. At 17 I began to shoot heroin, knowing I did not want a physical addiction I was able to keep my usage to about 2 – 3 times a week. I began to smoke crack every day because I knew there was no physical addiction to worry about. I was very responsible with my drug use such as rolling (X) only once every 2 months, etc.. After high school I did a stint in rehab to appease my parents even though I did not believe I had a problem. After rehab it was very clear that drugs were not a problem for me and I planned to continue to use. This upset them and they became very involved in the NA/AA/ALanon/ etc programs. They left me homeless in another state and I did not know what to do.

I had an older friend back home that I called for advice, he told me to come move in with him and he would help me out. So I ended up moving in, we got real close and begun a relationship unlike any other I have ever had, he was like my father, big brother, mentor, boyfriend, etc… He helped me a lot with my drug use as he was a drug user himself. He would let me smoke crack in his house, etc… He would give me good advice but always leave the final decision up to me. Anyways, I have been clean off coke/crack for over a year now without any real effort, I feel as though I have seen all that drug has to offer and I no longer want to deal with the come downs and all that. So needless to say, he helped me learn to balance my priorities in life (i.e. work, school, bills, etc…) and have a good time being able to use drugs which is what I had always wanted, yet my parents said was impossible, most likely because of their programs.

Anyways, probably about 6 to 8 months ago we were lying in bed watching TV and decided that the next day we would go to the doctor to get our own scripts as we would party together on weekends but did not want to keep paying the black market price for pills. We both got scripts for Roxy 30s, Dilaudid 8s, Xanax, and Soma, plus all the illegal drugs we were using. I was an hourly weed smoker and we also did other stuff such as ketamine, X, etc… When we got these scripts I explained to him that we do not want to get physically addicted to these drugs so we need to keep our use to 3 days a week MAX and never consecutively because that is what had always worked for me with heroin and oxys in the past for years. He agreed, needless to say a few months down the line he was taking the opiates every day. When I confronted him he would say, “Oh, don’t worry we are fine, all the bills get paid, you are making straight As in college, I’m making good money at work, etc… when the time comes to get off we will do it together as we do everything, we are a team.” So I started doing the opiates everyday as well and for the past 6 months or so we have been doing them morning, lunch, and night. It was never a problem because we had more pills than we knew what to do with.

My habit would be at least 300mg oxycodone IV daily up to 1200mg, not including the dilaudid, soma, xanax, and occasionally ketamine. We were both maintaining manageable lifestyles and succeeding. Recently I came home and found my best friend in the whole world dead most likely from an OD. I did CPR, called the ambulance and all but it was too late. As I said my family abandoned me so he was all I had in the entire world. After his death my family re entered my life, and was by my side while I tried to detox, I had a lot of trouble and had a few relapses and such. At this point I am still going through detox and my family does not want me to take anything besides Imodium to ease withdraws. I am respecting their wishes because at this point I need them for support and to help me pay for college. I have supported myself working in the restaurant business and that just showed me how important my college degree is to me and I want to be a professional who does not have money issues such as my parents are. However at the same time I don’t want to go through my college years sober and not be able to enjoy all the fun I had with drugs. I feel like I learned a lesson about opiates and physical addiction and will never go back there, just like I learned with crack/ coke. At this point I am not smoking weed or anything which kind of sucks. I want to be a free spirit and think I can balance the drugs and my educations like I did before, however, if I stay clean my parents are offering me an amazing life, apartment rent paid, gas money, tuition, etc… Basically all I will have to worry about will be getting good grades and staying sober. Getting good grades will not be an issue in the least but I know once I get back in school it may be difficult for me to stay 100% sober.

I do not want to go back to being an opiate addict but it would be nice to smoke some buds on the weekends or eat some X and go out to the club once in a blue moon. I feel like it is all or nothing and think it is ludicrous that I would risk being handed my education on a silver platter for a few highs but I do not want to be dishonest with them and am fine being sober for the time being but I do not foresee myself staying sober all throughout college (which is the only way they will assist me financially). I feel like I am trapped and have no options other than to feel like a little kid and obey my parents rules after being on my own and doing as I’ve pleased for the past 3 years which has been very nice. Can anyone relate to this? I am dealing with the death of the person who meant the most to me in the entire world and with sobriety all at the same time and am really struggling. I really want to say fuck it and go do a fat shot of OC but I don’t want to risk my future career and all for that shit. I don’t want to sell drugs to make ends meet, I don’t want to hustle, I don’t want to work a minimum wage job, I want to get my degree and make good money the right way. Sorry this was kind of long I just wrote how I am feeling and am so torn up that I lost my mentor and best friend in the process. I wish I could have him back more than anything and just his death alone should be enough motivation to quit; yet I am still struggling. That’s about it for now I think, I’d appreciate some outside perspective, thanks BL!!!

p.s...I have been on bluelight for about 6 years now I just didnt feel comfortable posting under my normal name even though im mostly a lurker so thats why this is my first post.

 

[Opioid420z]

I can absolutely relate to your situation as far as the whole college and parents thing. My parents kicked me outta the house at 20 for going away to a inpatient program for smoking weed everyday and basically due to that, becoming very lazy and messing up in college. I had and still do have a difficult time learning outta text books and what not on subjects which I find boring and worthless... I still feel in my gut that school just wasn't for me and I wouldn't have succeeded even if I wasn't smoking weed and partying in school cause whenever I would sit down to study I would loose interest very quickly and ended up falling asleep or giving up on memorizing a million things by going over them a million times which never worked for me. I ended up switching schools 3 times and even switching my major which made things even more difficult do to the amount of memorization and studying in the medical area which was just impossible for me.....
I found my way and became somewhat successful and make far more than the minimum wage and somewhere up to $600- $1500 bucks a week if I get good side work. I thought this would allow me to live a normal life, yet I was sooooo wrong. Whats killing me now literally is just how expensive it is to live in this world or country or state or county for that matter. My rent which is $1000 a month for a small bullshit one bedroom on top of my bills is just destroying me as a person and has led me to consider suicide and other things on top of my opioid use which allowed me to enjoy life for 2 years being on opioids all day everyday even though I was broke due to the amount of money I had to lay out every month. To see all the money I make every month just go out the window on the first of every month has basically destroyed my self worth and is killing my soul and good nature as a human being. I"m on the verge of giving up after 11 years of being on my own and not having anything to show for it except for an apartment which I don't even own. I"m very close to becoming homeless and have been trying to figure out how I"m gona live out of my truck for the past 3 months now, knowing that after this month I will be broke again, just like every other month since the year 1999. I took so many oxy's today, along with percocets and whatever else I could find just to help ease the pain of being completely broke at the end of every month for which I just can't handle it. I am seeking and having therapy but it isn't doing a god dam thing and just makes me feel worse that I have to open up to some college slut intern who is a year younger than me. I break my ass during work, driving around the 5 boro's in my own truck which they hardly compensate me on, the amounts of stress I endure everyday from traffic and customers to then only come home with $120.00 a day working part time, then on top of that doing as many side jobs as possible to only make ends meet, then to start over again at the end of the month. THis has led me to feeling compeltely hopeless and is leading me to consider either becoming homeless to be able to save a few bucks every month, or still live with a roof over my head and stay broke, hopeless, scared, and suicidal. I"m now on my last $150.00 to my name after paying out $1000.00 for rent plus bills, gas, food, cell phone, and no way can I afford to see the doctor...... Hopefully I will pass if I get sick and end all psychotic cycle of working just to be broke at the end of the month every month.... I have nothing to show for the last 10 years of my life except for a license and a bunch of side customers which took me years to aquire yet to now see just how worthless my job really is and how worthless all this hard work is in this financially torturing country called the U.S. The price to pay to live on this pathetic land is just immpossible to afford unless your a millionaire for if your not, then you are in the same suicidal cycle of working to only start over again at the end of the month, to then if you don't make as much as you made last month to then be kicked out and left for dead.
Why the fuck do people have kids for?? Its cruel and completely avoidable, its also a competely selfish action to have kids in general. For all of us to grow up decently for most and then to see the financial nightmare which we all have to put up with is just cruel and unfair to a human soul to make him/her have to go threw the torture of financial handcuffs. I hope to god this country goes belly up and all its people one day can afford to live decently without having to become millionaires. The only way out for me is to either live in my car, escape to a secluded area in the middle of knowwere and live off the land, or die. Living this lifestyle of paying high rent with jobs that don't pay shit, even with an education or license is imo the worst form of torture than one can go threw besides being caged in like an animal or jail for non violent crimes or drug using or selling.

If your gona go to school, dude, go for something very very specialized thats in strong demand for that is your only shot as not being in fincancial handcuffs and wanting to kill yourself for becoming successfull and making a decent living, cause thats my punishment for the rest of my life because I don't make thousands of dollars a week I just make under a thousand, so for that I will suffer a painful life of financial torment, the chance that I can be homeless at any moment, and for all the hard work and success I have made to only now see it for what it really is makes me wana give up all together. I"m so scared that I won't have the rent and the money to pay my bills at the end of every month even making a decent living or so I thought would be a decent living has derailed my views on reality and make me colder and more hopeless every month when the man takes the last few bucks I have to have to eat fast food..... to mabye not eating at all after working a hard day..... God dam this fuck'n land we live on... its a curse and has drained me of everyting from money to love, to dreams which have been shattered and forgotten and to a family that probably wants me dead because I can't pay all my bills every month and consistantly beg for help which in turn makes me wana go with god and end all this torture......