I'm probably pathetic and crazy for posting this, but hey, what do I have to lose, when you've lost it all already...? y/n? So for once I will grow some balls (Jingle Balls? lulz) and post this thing.
This is long - be prepared- but please read!
I was falling so fast for you, the way we kissed and held each other, this is me after you have said goodbye even tho we shared just a short time together i will never forget you the way your lips brushed mine the way you ran your hands across my body i felt so alive and renewed it was all sureal but as quickly as we met it was over i just wish things were different i wish for a lot of things but i cant go back and change the past as to what happened to us, Darlin i just wish i had the oppertunity to unfuck the situation and be worthy of forgiveness. I just wish i had the opportunity to say goodbye in person, to hold you close to me let me hold your face in my hands and kiss you one last time, but i will never get to do that and i will always wonder what it will be like. Unless I'm fortunate enough to one day be worthy of forgiveness and I can have the pleasure of that heaven's kiss, such a wonderful bliss.
Until we meet again, I wish you well, and I'll love you always. You will always be my friend forever, I will always love you, but thinking of you day and night and how you broke my heart, it cannot go on or i'll end up going crazy from not bring able to touch you, or even hear your amazing voice once again. I went to call you the other day, I was going to be downtown, but then I realized that I no longer held that right, heald that pleasure of doing that anymore, so with tears in my eye, I put away my cell and kept trotting on. This stupidity- this fucitry that haooened broke my heart and deep like no other before - for some reason. The reason being YOU- the amazing REAL you. So I guess I have to try, day by day, to live my life again....without you my most amazing bestfriend in it. I think of you-I must admit at times when times of words that you have uttered I hear from others mouths or at those certian subway stops and downtown trips. Most times I have to hold my will, hold my breath, clear my throat, chin up, "man" up and not allow myself to cry-most times I fail though, like a weak little baby. If we cannot get unfucked, I must move on, live my life, no longer cry over a man that no longer (or ever) gave two whips of shit about me. Maybe once in a blue moon, I might write a I MISS U note on blue light, for the hell of it, why not try huh? Maybe one day. I am a Taurus, we never give up.
Things didn't work out how ......we? expected - dare hoped for them to. You will forever be my bestfriend, and I will always be greatful for meeting you that day on craigslist, that day on MSN, that day at VP with my bratty whiney kids.
You have been my rock, my touchstone. My heart is yours forever-for whenever you want it again. I am here-a phone call away, whenever you need someone, some help, just someone to get fucked up with?.
I was on the subway today, coming back from Mom & Dads house - they say hello and send their hugs by the way- I was passing VP, and I suddenly realized what if you fucked up and did something stupid drug wise, what if you died somehow, someway, anywhere in this great wide world......how would I ever know? I wouldn't, we no longer speak, none of your pals know of me, no trails of me at all except maybe a couple pictures.....if you kept them. I would never know none the less, you've always said your tag would go to HER, just for the lulz for seeing her bawl. How would I know? Would I ever? Fuck, I dunno If i would want to know, it would slowly kill me little each day if it did happen - heaven forbid. I must admit, while thinking about that on the train ride home, then for some reason I smelled your scent - weird huh? Maybe I'm going crazy, who knows - look at who my family is right? lulz. I must admit that tears came down by the bucket load, wouldn't, I tried to hide them, they wouldn't stop until METRO's parking lot, which didn't help either, the reminder of that sweet kiss in your truck, but I chinned up, "manned" up, and unfucked myself to by what I needed to buy.
Now here I sit at almost 7am in the morning, wishing I was spending it with you, coming down from stims all night, laying in your arms, touching your cheak as you faught off sleep and at times failed. You touching my ever soft skin of my hip talking softly of things I cannot hear as once again you forget I am deaf in my left ear - I smile thinking of that. I do hear the times you called me pretty, beautiful, the i heart you's. Wishing I was with you all stimmed up to the T, walking downtown talking non-stop, both of us, like we normally don't do much of without the help of lovely PV. To hear your lovely voice again-what I would give, for one more night of all that. What I would give for one more touch of your stubbled face, one more touch by you on my body, one more kiss - softly from your lips to mine. Your lips sweetly amazing. One hug, one more time to touch your face as I did as we rested in your bed after a stimmed filled night walking downtown, one chance to hold your hand, one chance for you to hold me in your arms all night long - touching me like you did back then. Talking to me - though deaf in my left ear and could not hear, the sound of your heartbeat - that techno heartbeat budda thump stop stop budda thump thump stop stop.
To feel wanted again, to feel loved perhaps again?
To feel that damn awesome once more, one more time. Then again I know what it would do, leave me wishing for one more day with you again.
Last night i had a dream, a dream that my wish came true - the first dream of you in awhile. First thing I did was throw my cell out the window and said FTW, then we laid in each others arms all night long, at times talking, at times just resting listening to each other breath, our heart beats. Thinking of what may. I laid there saying a million I'm sorry's and even more I
you's. As all dreams do though, naturally, it ended and I awoke, I faught to dream again, dream of you. I could not, which is why I am up so early for me, writing this for you. Hoping you are reading it, and seeing how hurt I am, and how bad I miss my bestfriend and need you in my life. You said you were no good for me, your job, your habbit. So what? like I care? I was born into the drug life, I lived it, I used to DO it and want to again at times, or whenever. I was born a 5th generation army brat, no job could scare me away, hell your rifle in my face didn't, why would you or whatever you did or did not do...? How could I not love you, for everything that you are, the amazing man that you are- the one that you seem to not see in yourself.
That dream, those wishes won't come true though will they? It's up to you darlin', I will await always for your word, as pathetic as that may seem, you are worth it, you are most definately worth the wait. it won't come though will it? no matter how many I'm sorry's, no matter how many I LOVE YOU'S!
I fucked up big time, with my stupidity, my fucking impatience, fucking stupid taurus quality, I fucked it all up. Even though I am the one that walked away deeply heart broken, it is all my fault.
I lost another love of my life, lost another best friend, lost another amazing person, an amazing man, this time not by suicide gunshot to the head prolonged. This time by my own fault, I guess my own verbal gunshots that fucked everything I loved and heald dear, now washed away with the dish water. A man that most likely doesn't or ever did give two slap shits about me - but I have always and will always call you my besyfriend, treat you as my bestfriend, and forever love you and keep a big place in my heart for you.
I fucked up, -I- fucked up. I am always the stupid fuck up and probably always will be.
Keep fighting the "good" fight, keep living-don't you dare die before me!,be truely happy please, that's all I ask.
I LOVE YOU MY BESTFRIEND, I LOVE YOU. I MISS YOU EVERY DAY - ALMOST EVERY SECOND I BREATHE.
I'm sorry I fucked up and I know the I'm sorry's won't be good enough this time, though I wish they were.
When I sit on Santa's lap - that fat hairy pervert- my one christmas wish was.....? it was to have my bestfriend back in my life..... he looked at me and gave me a candy cane and wished me luck.
I don't think I belive in luck anymore, or fairytales, they died when the fairytale of you and me was over.
I'm sorry. I miss you, and I will always love you my bestfriend - and beyond.
Happy Holidays!
Dear Santa??
This is long - be prepared- but please read!
I was falling so fast for you, the way we kissed and held each other, this is me after you have said goodbye even tho we shared just a short time together i will never forget you the way your lips brushed mine the way you ran your hands across my body i felt so alive and renewed it was all sureal but as quickly as we met it was over i just wish things were different i wish for a lot of things but i cant go back and change the past as to what happened to us, Darlin i just wish i had the oppertunity to unfuck the situation and be worthy of forgiveness. I just wish i had the opportunity to say goodbye in person, to hold you close to me let me hold your face in my hands and kiss you one last time, but i will never get to do that and i will always wonder what it will be like. Unless I'm fortunate enough to one day be worthy of forgiveness and I can have the pleasure of that heaven's kiss, such a wonderful bliss.
Until we meet again, I wish you well, and I'll love you always. You will always be my friend forever, I will always love you, but thinking of you day and night and how you broke my heart, it cannot go on or i'll end up going crazy from not bring able to touch you, or even hear your amazing voice once again. I went to call you the other day, I was going to be downtown, but then I realized that I no longer held that right, heald that pleasure of doing that anymore, so with tears in my eye, I put away my cell and kept trotting on. This stupidity- this fucitry that haooened broke my heart and deep like no other before - for some reason. The reason being YOU- the amazing REAL you. So I guess I have to try, day by day, to live my life again....without you my most amazing bestfriend in it. I think of you-I must admit at times when times of words that you have uttered I hear from others mouths or at those certian subway stops and downtown trips. Most times I have to hold my will, hold my breath, clear my throat, chin up, "man" up and not allow myself to cry-most times I fail though, like a weak little baby. If we cannot get unfucked, I must move on, live my life, no longer cry over a man that no longer (or ever) gave two whips of shit about me. Maybe once in a blue moon, I might write a I MISS U note on blue light, for the hell of it, why not try huh? Maybe one day. I am a Taurus, we never give up.
Things didn't work out how ......we? expected - dare hoped for them to. You will forever be my bestfriend, and I will always be greatful for meeting you that day on craigslist, that day on MSN, that day at VP with my bratty whiney kids.
You have been my rock, my touchstone. My heart is yours forever-for whenever you want it again. I am here-a phone call away, whenever you need someone, some help, just someone to get fucked up with?.
I was on the subway today, coming back from Mom & Dads house - they say hello and send their hugs by the way- I was passing VP, and I suddenly realized what if you fucked up and did something stupid drug wise, what if you died somehow, someway, anywhere in this great wide world......how would I ever know? I wouldn't, we no longer speak, none of your pals know of me, no trails of me at all except maybe a couple pictures.....if you kept them. I would never know none the less, you've always said your tag would go to HER, just for the lulz for seeing her bawl. How would I know? Would I ever? Fuck, I dunno If i would want to know, it would slowly kill me little each day if it did happen - heaven forbid. I must admit, while thinking about that on the train ride home, then for some reason I smelled your scent - weird huh? Maybe I'm going crazy, who knows - look at who my family is right? lulz. I must admit that tears came down by the bucket load, wouldn't, I tried to hide them, they wouldn't stop until METRO's parking lot, which didn't help either, the reminder of that sweet kiss in your truck, but I chinned up, "manned" up, and unfucked myself to by what I needed to buy.
Now here I sit at almost 7am in the morning, wishing I was spending it with you, coming down from stims all night, laying in your arms, touching your cheak as you faught off sleep and at times failed. You touching my ever soft skin of my hip talking softly of things I cannot hear as once again you forget I am deaf in my left ear - I smile thinking of that. I do hear the times you called me pretty, beautiful, the i heart you's. Wishing I was with you all stimmed up to the T, walking downtown talking non-stop, both of us, like we normally don't do much of without the help of lovely PV. To hear your lovely voice again-what I would give, for one more night of all that. What I would give for one more touch of your stubbled face, one more touch by you on my body, one more kiss - softly from your lips to mine. Your lips sweetly amazing. One hug, one more time to touch your face as I did as we rested in your bed after a stimmed filled night walking downtown, one chance to hold your hand, one chance for you to hold me in your arms all night long - touching me like you did back then. Talking to me - though deaf in my left ear and could not hear, the sound of your heartbeat - that techno heartbeat budda thump stop stop budda thump thump stop stop.
To feel wanted again, to feel loved perhaps again?
To feel that damn awesome once more, one more time. Then again I know what it would do, leave me wishing for one more day with you again.
Last night i had a dream, a dream that my wish came true - the first dream of you in awhile. First thing I did was throw my cell out the window and said FTW, then we laid in each others arms all night long, at times talking, at times just resting listening to each other breath, our heart beats. Thinking of what may. I laid there saying a million I'm sorry's and even more I
you's. As all dreams do though, naturally, it ended and I awoke, I faught to dream again, dream of you. I could not, which is why I am up so early for me, writing this for you. Hoping you are reading it, and seeing how hurt I am, and how bad I miss my bestfriend and need you in my life. You said you were no good for me, your job, your habbit. So what? like I care? I was born into the drug life, I lived it, I used to DO it and want to again at times, or whenever. I was born a 5th generation army brat, no job could scare me away, hell your rifle in my face didn't, why would you or whatever you did or did not do...? How could I not love you, for everything that you are, the amazing man that you are- the one that you seem to not see in yourself.That dream, those wishes won't come true though will they? It's up to you darlin', I will await always for your word, as pathetic as that may seem, you are worth it, you are most definately worth the wait. it won't come though will it? no matter how many I'm sorry's, no matter how many I LOVE YOU'S!
I fucked up big time, with my stupidity, my fucking impatience, fucking stupid taurus quality, I fucked it all up. Even though I am the one that walked away deeply heart broken, it is all my fault.
I lost another love of my life, lost another best friend, lost another amazing person, an amazing man, this time not by suicide gunshot to the head prolonged. This time by my own fault, I guess my own verbal gunshots that fucked everything I loved and heald dear, now washed away with the dish water. A man that most likely doesn't or ever did give two slap shits about me - but I have always and will always call you my besyfriend, treat you as my bestfriend, and forever love you and keep a big place in my heart for you.
I fucked up, -I- fucked up. I am always the stupid fuck up and probably always will be.
Keep fighting the "good" fight, keep living-don't you dare die before me!,be truely happy please, that's all I ask.
I LOVE YOU MY BESTFRIEND, I LOVE YOU. I MISS YOU EVERY DAY - ALMOST EVERY SECOND I BREATHE.
I'm sorry I fucked up and I know the I'm sorry's won't be good enough this time, though I wish they were.
When I sit on Santa's lap - that fat hairy pervert- my one christmas wish was.....? it was to have my bestfriend back in my life..... he looked at me and gave me a candy cane and wished me luck.
I don't think I belive in luck anymore, or fairytales, they died when the fairytale of you and me was over.
I'm sorry. I miss you, and I will always love you my bestfriend - and beyond.
Happy Holidays!
Dear Santa??
