dear fucktwat

wtf is wrong with you? we don't talk all that often to begin with, so i don't understand the point of you deciding to cease all communication with me. for starters, it is silly because you still hang out with other people i am friends with, so it isn't like i will forget you exist. secondly, i've lost count of the number of times you have done this. it obviously doesn't work...

this cycle has repeated so many times that i can tell you how it will end up. you will ignore me for a few weeks or so until i am back in town visiting. we will inevitably hang out (that whole same friends issue. which if we are being picky were my friends before they were your friends). we will end up sneaking back to your place and playing around. all will be grand in the moment until you realize i will never be your girlfriend. then you will decide we shouldn't play. shortly after that, you will decide to not talk to me. then the entire thing will repeat until you get another girlfriend in your life.

i like you. you are fun play with. i love how we can argue and debate about the most trivial things and how curious you are to learn about things you don't understand. i find your moomin obsession cute even tho i can't stand the show. we get along rather well and know how to push each other's buttons. not to mention i find you attractive.

BUT i am never going to date you. i know it wouldn't work. i am not the sort that can be in a monogamous relationship. i like being free to run around and do what i want. besides the fact that i am not in the mood to leave my life here. i tried that once. we both know how that turned out.

it isn't that i haven't thought about being in a serious relationship with you. i recall having a long conversation with you before i got married. where i laid out how i felt about you. you agreed that we should leave things the way they were. i've often wondered what things would be like if that conversation went differently. what if i had stayed up in seattle?

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this is a letter i want to send to my friend. but i know better. it wouldn't accomplish anything. this has been a mess for almost the better part of a decade. it is the same dude i have been writing about since i started a journal here years ago.

the letter also took a weird turn. i intended on just venting about how annoying the way he is treating me is. i am kinda surprised how it ended with me questioning being in a relationship with him. i guess i've never fully resolved that question in my head. and i suspect that is part of the reason he isn't talking to me.

but that is why i like writing my thoughts out sometimes. it usually helps me organize my thoughts better. except this raises some other interesting questions that i might write about later.

 

I do not think I can impartially comment on this fake email, nor your persistent thoughts about said other person. Being one of the main outside observers to this whole "complication" (for the lack of a better word) and also being intrinsically tied to a lot of these events, I am not sure I can really say anything without either drastically shifting the focus to various other things that are outside of the scope of the issues you bring up in your email but do heavily parallel this line of thinking.

I can say that I clearly understand his rationale for not wanting to talk to you at various points in time, and how random and arbitrary it might be that this not talking thing happens/gets triggered. I also understand your frustrations with him having this reaction. So I will try and explain it a bit why he would chose to not talk to you.

Think about how devastating this sequence of events is for him. Here he is with someone he clearly cares a lot about, is compatible with, gets a long with, has a blast with, and also for the most part you reciprocate the feelings back. If things were more ideal, you two could be together long term (except for things I will get into right now). From his stand point, things could be much better than anything he could have with other people. However, he has no ability to see you all the time, you control all the times you come up here and see him/do things with him. This gives you a significant amount of leverage to play around and toy with him whereas he would prefer something with you more consistently. And also, I truly feel he would ignore the whole you not being monogamous part, if just so he could have more of a serious relationship with it, but this would eventually eat him up. Therefore his options are to either go along with what you do, hoping for the best (and having fun at the same time too), but knowing this entire scenario/situation he wants is untenable. Or, he can try and distance himself from you to not get into the above mentioned trap. Based on how much time he has spent with you or since he has last seen you, his thoughts will bounce back and forth between the two options. I do not believe they will ever stabilize until the hope of one of the final outcomes of one of the two options becomes realized (For option 1, he will have to hope you seriously move near him to be with him and that either you will chose to be monogamous with him, or that he accepts your position on this and does not become jealous/uneasy with you being with other people. For option 2, ... well, until he finds someone to replace you (which may or may not ever happen) option 2 will not reach its logical conclusion.)

What a wicked thing to do, to make him dream of you.

 

i don't see how i have any leverage to play around and toy with him. for the last several years, he has controlled when we hang out and what we do. this was true when i lived with you and is true when i visit. i get no say in his random decision to not talk to me. and once he decides to talk to me again, he will make no mention of the fact that he wasn't talking to me. i do find it amusing that he informs me that he isn't talking to me.

the ball has been in his court for a long time. it has always been in his court. this is prolly the biggest difference between the two of you.

 

dear fucktwat,

you still aren't talking to me. this is approaching a long time for this to go on. altho in the past, i was rather obsessively calling and texting you by this point. this time, all i did was steak vgoraz's phone and ask you if you were bored of not talking to me.

i thought more about why i never pursued something more seriously with you. i think it is because part of me realizes you are a lot like the thing i am married to. i've watched you and your relationships for the last decade. you and the thing i am married to share a lot of the same characteristics. except that when i am lacking something now, i can go find it in other people. you get jealous. i am pretty sure this would be a big sticking point between us. and you are far less tolerant of my negative habits. who knows tho, maybe you would be more tolerant if you were getting laid all the time. i still think computer games would win.

those might not seem like big things. but pretty much i would be leaving behind a marriage, that while weird, gives me more or less what i want or at least the freedom to get what i want. to trying to start a relationship (with you) that has already failed more than once. that i know will be plagued with the same issue i would be leaving behind. and i am struggling with how much you mean to me. and your dumbass not talking to me doesn't really help things in that category. shit was a lot simpler when you were a cocky fuck who just wanted to have sex. then i didn't have to deal with weighing reality against fantasy

maybe this is all fucked cause i haven't had many real relationships. god knows you are way more experienced than i am in that regard. you, the thing i am married to and vgoraz are the ones i've had. there have been other people who amuse me from time to time but i am okay with just being their random fling. you three have been consistent over the years. it really throws me off when the triangle of you three gets disrupted.

 

oh the plot thickens...my comment on your most recent entry was before I peeked further back into your blog

 

unglued=my husband/that thing i am married to, fucktwat=friend in seattle i have had a fling with, vgoraz=best friend who comments here frequently (might make for easier reading)

the comment i posted was about two days before unglued and i had a talk. it was weird because he brought up many of the points i have written about here.