cherub
Bluelighter
I have never wanted to hurt another being as I have wanted to with you, what you took from me I am finally gaining back.
Just when I have let go of the past, my phone no longer unlisted and making peace inside my soul in regards to you. You appear, what right do you have to stir such feelings in me? They are not of love and good memories they are filled with pain, unhappiness, and fear.
Maybe I should have been clearer to the people around me, that I never wanted you to know where I am. How they could have known ?
It was the knock on the door that set the fear in me so strong I only knew it once before, I knew it was not one of my friends just stopping by. I knew it was something that scared me so bad I seemed to stop breathing as soon as I heard it.
The urges to pick up the phone and call for help, something was wrong I was sure of it.
It took a few seconds for the panic in my head to calm down in a slower mode of thinking, but I didn’t pick up that phone. I figured I was just being ridiculous you would never just show up here out of now where.
I ask who it is, realizing I already knew. You answer at the same time hearing the crack of thunder. I jump back unaware if it is the weather outside or your voice that made me jump in dread.
My mind racing in a hundred different directions I can’t think. You saying my full name in your homeland accent how could I not recognize that voice?
My stomach goes into instant turmoil and my hands shake. I am immobilized from the shock. You are the reason I don’t let anyone call me Cynthia anymore the name only represents the past of unhappiness.
Then I am sent back into the past memories of the last words you said to me that day ”It will never be over.“
Anger and fear filling me up as, I remember how you left the bruises on my neck and how you wanted me for dead. The officer holding me on the couch and the gun on the floor wondering how did it go this far?
Then seeing the other officer picking up the gun and looking at you with disgust then me and saying it is alright it was just self-defense and that is how it will be written in the report.
I didn’t care if it was self defense or not. I knew at the time I wanted you dead for hurting me and I never got to finish it.
Michelle walking in, I don’t even remembering them telling the officer to call her, but they said I would not go the hospital before I could see her first.
I remember her eyes and yours meeting and you still had no shame for what you had done. Her eyes filling up with tears as she looked at my neck, covered with your hand marks, purple and black no one could miss it. Her looking back at you and saying “she did nothing it was you that made this mess, and today of all days”.
I never understood that statement until almost a year later when she finally told me.
That day you tried to end my life was the day your baby was born. How ironic!
Never again, is all I kept saying to myself the officer trying to comfort me. In my heart I was not weak I was strong on that day.
Snapping back from that thought wondering if I did the right thing by not firing that gun cause here you are now the demon of my past on the other side of the door and I am alone to face you.
Push, push, don’t think, no I mean think but don’t think about that. Because my mind going too fast for me to figure out what to do next.
A “Fuck” slips out of my mouth knowing I have to think clear soon seconds passing by and I am in such turmoil or fear not sure which.
An impatient voice interrupts my thoughts and I hear “Hello, are you going to answer the door?”
Wanting to yell “Fuck you, go away” I knew would do no good. Laughing in my head and thinking demons don’t leave because you ask them too. But opening the door now was not an option in my state of mind, I needed more time.
Answering in a voice with strength and fear at the same time. “I am just out of the shower give me a half hour and I will meet you in the Restaurant.” Kind of proud of the quick answer I have come up with, thinking this gives me time and I wont’ have to meet with the demon alone but in public, he can’t hurt me there right ?
Then I hear the sigh and my Full name again me cringing with memories of the past hearing that. He continues in his words but this time with anger in them. “I have seen you naked, I fucked you for fives years or was it that so easy to forget you were my wife, now open the fucking door”
Instinct kicked in automatically, I won’t ever be treated like this again, I made that vow when I drove away, and left you and everything else behind. Yelling in anger which maybe right or wrong it didn’t matter at that point. “FUCK OFF” I blurted out half scaring myself.
Whether is was fear or shock that this was really happening to me I calmed down enough to continue to talk “ I will be downstairs in a half hour if you hunted me for this long a half hour won’t change a thing.”
Only hearing a small whisper of “bitch” behind the door and your footsteps walking away and then the stair door slamming did I start to tell myself to breathe again.
A slight sigh and I sat in the corner on my bed figuring out my next move, realizing today was a day good or bad that I am going to have to face my demon of the past.
As much as I need my best friends, I can only call on their strength to be inside me and deal with this alone, No hope of anyone stepping in. No hope of making this all go away.
Realizing I am a different person from when I left you, knowing no matter what I don’t belong to you, I belong to me. I gave you so much and let you destroy who I was then. Was that not enough? The rest of my life belongs to me.
Tears coming down and me slamming my fist into the pillow, knowing this day would come and trying to figure out if I am ready or not.
Figuring I should at least shower and think of what I am to do. What does he want? He can’t take a thing from me. He can’t hurt me, he is just a demon of the past. Nothing he can do now.
Turning on music and hearing the words “ Lay the demons down to rest feel the warmth of my caress as I slowly fall to sleep, I will be there in your arms , tell the story what is untold, I will relax and feel your touch,,, in the places that I know, feel me need me” makes me think of someone else who is here for me now, loves me completely and makes me feel safe, not like that demon downstairs.
Then it suddenly hits me, I have just woken up, none of this has happened I am on my bed again just waking up. It was all a dream I say to myself he is not really here or waiting down stairs.
As I sit there and try and sort it out, I hear the knock on the door and the fear starts all over again.
[ 09 August 2002: Message edited by: cherub ]
Just when I have let go of the past, my phone no longer unlisted and making peace inside my soul in regards to you. You appear, what right do you have to stir such feelings in me? They are not of love and good memories they are filled with pain, unhappiness, and fear.
Maybe I should have been clearer to the people around me, that I never wanted you to know where I am. How they could have known ?
It was the knock on the door that set the fear in me so strong I only knew it once before, I knew it was not one of my friends just stopping by. I knew it was something that scared me so bad I seemed to stop breathing as soon as I heard it.
The urges to pick up the phone and call for help, something was wrong I was sure of it.
It took a few seconds for the panic in my head to calm down in a slower mode of thinking, but I didn’t pick up that phone. I figured I was just being ridiculous you would never just show up here out of now where.
I ask who it is, realizing I already knew. You answer at the same time hearing the crack of thunder. I jump back unaware if it is the weather outside or your voice that made me jump in dread.
My mind racing in a hundred different directions I can’t think. You saying my full name in your homeland accent how could I not recognize that voice?
My stomach goes into instant turmoil and my hands shake. I am immobilized from the shock. You are the reason I don’t let anyone call me Cynthia anymore the name only represents the past of unhappiness.
Then I am sent back into the past memories of the last words you said to me that day ”It will never be over.“
Anger and fear filling me up as, I remember how you left the bruises on my neck and how you wanted me for dead. The officer holding me on the couch and the gun on the floor wondering how did it go this far?
Then seeing the other officer picking up the gun and looking at you with disgust then me and saying it is alright it was just self-defense and that is how it will be written in the report.
I didn’t care if it was self defense or not. I knew at the time I wanted you dead for hurting me and I never got to finish it.
Michelle walking in, I don’t even remembering them telling the officer to call her, but they said I would not go the hospital before I could see her first.
I remember her eyes and yours meeting and you still had no shame for what you had done. Her eyes filling up with tears as she looked at my neck, covered with your hand marks, purple and black no one could miss it. Her looking back at you and saying “she did nothing it was you that made this mess, and today of all days”.
I never understood that statement until almost a year later when she finally told me.
That day you tried to end my life was the day your baby was born. How ironic!
Never again, is all I kept saying to myself the officer trying to comfort me. In my heart I was not weak I was strong on that day.
Snapping back from that thought wondering if I did the right thing by not firing that gun cause here you are now the demon of my past on the other side of the door and I am alone to face you.
Push, push, don’t think, no I mean think but don’t think about that. Because my mind going too fast for me to figure out what to do next.
A “Fuck” slips out of my mouth knowing I have to think clear soon seconds passing by and I am in such turmoil or fear not sure which.
An impatient voice interrupts my thoughts and I hear “Hello, are you going to answer the door?”
Wanting to yell “Fuck you, go away” I knew would do no good. Laughing in my head and thinking demons don’t leave because you ask them too. But opening the door now was not an option in my state of mind, I needed more time.
Answering in a voice with strength and fear at the same time. “I am just out of the shower give me a half hour and I will meet you in the Restaurant.” Kind of proud of the quick answer I have come up with, thinking this gives me time and I wont’ have to meet with the demon alone but in public, he can’t hurt me there right ?
Then I hear the sigh and my Full name again me cringing with memories of the past hearing that. He continues in his words but this time with anger in them. “I have seen you naked, I fucked you for fives years or was it that so easy to forget you were my wife, now open the fucking door”
Instinct kicked in automatically, I won’t ever be treated like this again, I made that vow when I drove away, and left you and everything else behind. Yelling in anger which maybe right or wrong it didn’t matter at that point. “FUCK OFF” I blurted out half scaring myself.
Whether is was fear or shock that this was really happening to me I calmed down enough to continue to talk “ I will be downstairs in a half hour if you hunted me for this long a half hour won’t change a thing.”
Only hearing a small whisper of “bitch” behind the door and your footsteps walking away and then the stair door slamming did I start to tell myself to breathe again.
A slight sigh and I sat in the corner on my bed figuring out my next move, realizing today was a day good or bad that I am going to have to face my demon of the past.
As much as I need my best friends, I can only call on their strength to be inside me and deal with this alone, No hope of anyone stepping in. No hope of making this all go away.
Realizing I am a different person from when I left you, knowing no matter what I don’t belong to you, I belong to me. I gave you so much and let you destroy who I was then. Was that not enough? The rest of my life belongs to me.
Tears coming down and me slamming my fist into the pillow, knowing this day would come and trying to figure out if I am ready or not.
Figuring I should at least shower and think of what I am to do. What does he want? He can’t take a thing from me. He can’t hurt me, he is just a demon of the past. Nothing he can do now.
Turning on music and hearing the words “ Lay the demons down to rest feel the warmth of my caress as I slowly fall to sleep, I will be there in your arms , tell the story what is untold, I will relax and feel your touch,,, in the places that I know, feel me need me” makes me think of someone else who is here for me now, loves me completely and makes me feel safe, not like that demon downstairs.
Then it suddenly hits me, I have just woken up, none of this has happened I am on my bed again just waking up. It was all a dream I say to myself he is not really here or waiting down stairs.
As I sit there and try and sort it out, I hear the knock on the door and the fear starts all over again.
[ 09 August 2002: Message edited by: cherub ]
