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Dear ADHD, I'm going to FINISH LIFE :)

Will miss Tram :(

Will miss Tram :(

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 25, 2015
Messages
48
Location
Rogueland
THIS THREAT IS ABOUT SUICIDE, I WILL CHECK THIS FREQUENTLY FOR A WEEK FOR ANY POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS, AND THEN HAPPILY HEAD TO THE OTHER SIDE :)

First of all let me tell you that I'm suffering from ADD, and lack any hyperactivity, and very lazy (always tired with severe fatigue)

Profile:

  • Male
  • 27 years old
  • 80kg
  • medical student
  • officially diagnosed with ADD by multiple psychiatry professionals

Prescribed drugs in order:
  1. Ritalin, which didn't work
  2. Atomoxetine, which didn't either

SELF-prescribed drugs in order:
  1. Tramadol, which did wonders, both in focus and motivation/energy. (stopped it due to addiction and severe weight loss)
  2. Bupropion, which gives me even more focus, but makes me VERY aggressive [at 150mg SR] (I kicked a bunch of running cars' side mirrors when riding my bike, because of their goofy driving; and punched a taxi driver when he stopped at green light to pickup a passenger; while I am naturally a calm and forgiving person who dislikes fights)

Now that's it, And I've come to the conclusion that life isn't worth living anymore;
I'm doing this because there's not any other drug under the sun which allows me to pursue my education.

I decide to escape from this prison which we call life, once and forever;I'm sure MANY people wish to do the same, but they don't have the courage to do it.

I will do it while taking 100mg of diazepam, put my earphones and listen to Mozart, and sit inside a sealed bathroom where a charcoal burner is emitting CO, writing "Join me if you dare" on the wall.

THIS THREAT IS ABOUT SUICIDE, I WILL CHECK THIS FREQUENTLY FOR A WEEK FOR ANY POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS, AND THEN HAPPILY HEAD TO THE OTHER SIDE :)
 
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Don't do it man, life is hard on us all..

I have OCD, asperger syndrome, GAD, tinnitus, hyperacusis and i have been wishing for my life to end dozens of times. I've been put on lots of medications and i have used all sorts of drugs in my attempts to escape this "prison".


But i know there's a God that loves me and doesn't want me to fall for the deception of satan and his servants. It's not hard to gain acces to Paradise, even the murderer who was crucified next to Jesus converted in the last moments of his life:


…42 And he was saying, "Jesus, remember me when You come in Your kingdom!" 43 And He said to him, "Truly I say to you, today you shall be with Me in Paradise."
Luke 23:43


16"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. 17"For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.…
John 3:16

"For my Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day."
John 6:40




Remember that there are evil forces in this world which are happy to see you commit suicide.

There is still hope for a better future. Just pray to God, confess your sins and believe
 
I am an atheist though zen-buddhism practising, so I won't be quoting anything... but:

Please don't, it's not a courageous thing to do - the courageous thing would be to realize the temporarity of everything including your situation, and overcoming what at the time seems insurmountable.

There is life beyond failure at education or career. Trust me.

I have failed at both, suffer from 'high-functioning' (functioning as in coping relatively thanks to giftedness) autism and have also went through medications and cannot see myself stopping self-medications any time soon. Have also wanted it all to end, recently even.. though I admit never quite as 'practical' as your OP. Things have turned ugly numerous times, even after crises, no doubt about that - but things always developed. I don't have much to lose at this point, but I do believe in outlook beyond current outlook.
Meaning that even if you don't see any other way now, it's always possible to keep trying to get help. Medication / self-medication are often not a form of cure for us psychiatric cases but they can aid and sustain.

Why have you stopped with tramadol (I'm curious), you must know it's an SRI so perhaps for now you can find 'protection' if not solace in any other kind of anti-depressant you can find (well not just any old anti-depressant, some are definitely a better choice than others)? Careful, some work very very well and immediately but they may also be more insidious on the longer term. Others may take too long to help, and may not even be so reliable. Perhaps there is something inbetween that is okay. I definitely don't make a habit out of recommending that other people just start taking drugs, but in this case: if it really helps then it's better than it is now?

Admit your (severe) depression but don't end it all - get help that is suited for and aimed at getting out of this despair... take a step in that direction and alert people, I don't care whether it's friends or a professional or a hotline, get that therapeutic process going..

And avoid / be really careful with depressants, they may take the edge off but can really feed into depression and can keep you in a dulled haze in which decision-making is altered or impaired. Careful!

It will be alright! And if not, then we will still be okay.
 
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If you really wanted to die you wouldn't be on here talking about it. How about just asking for help instead? Im sure you would get a lot more useful information and help from other posters if you just asked for help and someone to talk to as opposed to trying to get other posters to talk you out if it.
 
dude, you've never even done heroin. Sop being a crybaby and go see the doctor.
 
I'm still here,
Someone told me in PM that the suicidal thoughts might be the product of taking BUPROPION,
So I stopped taking it,
And the suicidal thoughts gone away.

I started this thread to get help for dealing with ADD (as a last solution), not for getting attention.

I'm still having problems with ADD and education, but I'm don't have any reason for leaving life anymore (only due to worrying about the future of my relatives without me; but I still believe life is a shitty and pointless thing, and not worth playing).

I got diagnosed with severe major depression recently,
But I don't like to take anti-depressant meds,
I am thinking about trying crystal meth via oral or rectal routes (to avoid the addiction/crave/binge potential of smoking/injecting/sniffing)
It's my only choice, since Desoxyn and Adderal are not available in my place,
And TRAMADOL ruined my memory in long-term (and my appearance, which improved after quitting it)

Does anyone know if memory loss due to long-term TRAMADOL use recover by time after quitting it? how long?
 
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If I'd commit suicide I would want the procedure to be either something special like jumping from the Mount Everest doing a 41-fold backflip while jerking off or offering myself to an icebear as prey to help her and her cubs survive through the breeding phase.
 
you really haven't tried very many options. there are loads more medications and failing that even illicit drugs that could help. suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

why post here instead of just killling yourself? not being harsh but I think you want to live and be happy. keep trying.
 
Don't do it. It will not solve anything, and will only create psychological problems for your friends and loved ones.

I'm glad you stopped taking the bupe and are no longer suicidal. Have you ever talked to anyone about being suicidal? Like a friend, family member, or counselor/therapist?
 
Ziiirp said:
If I'd commit suicide I would want the procedure to be either something special like jumping from the Mount Everest doing a 41-fold backflip while jerking off or offering myself to an icebear as prey to help her and her cubs survive through the breeding phase.
Click to expand...
Lmfao, not the best time to be laughing but it was too funny, I had to let you know I laughed like shit
 
The six months I was on an antidepressant (mirtazapine) were the worst of my life, I was dead inside and though not actively suicidal, wanted to die and was extremely self destructive. Opiate addiction didn't help at all but although it took me a while to realize mirtazapine was the cause, something felt like it had been irreperably changed for the worse. Sometimes I literally felt like I had died inside but my body was still going, living for nothing but I did have a small sliver of hope that things would get better. I self medicated heavily with benzos and opiates. Finally, I kicked the opiates and benzos. I immediately felt better, even during opiate WD (didn't get benzo WD, luckily), but something was still wrong. I was less miserable, but still felt dead. One day I decided to trip on dxm so I stopped mirtazapine to avoid SS. Never went without mirtazapine before because I would get rebound insomnia and my appetite would disappear, plus I'd get nausea, but I didn't really care since I was going through the later stages of opiate WD so I thought fuck it. For the first time in several months, I actually felt alive agai . I thought it was just the dxm though so I went back on the mirtazapine, soon enough I was a zombie again, so that's when I figured out that it was the mirtazapine. I've felt normal ever since. I've dealt with some shit but was never even slightly suicidal before or after being on mirtazapine. I wasn't even depressed when I got it prescribed, just extremely stressed due to my life situation at the time (anyone would be, making half the money I needed to cover my bills, homelessness was a legit concern and I wasn't even an addict yet) and had insomnia. I've had bouts of depression before but never like that. Suicidality and worsening depression are very real side effects of anti depressants, and I believe that they're more common than is reported due to it all being attributed to mental illness. The fucked up thing was that I thought it was helping me, but I remember the first day on it and being completely unable to cope with minor frustration that would normally be nothing for me. I was seeing my prescribing doctor and psych very frequently (and have spent tons of money on them which just worsened the situation) and they never even considered the mirtazapine as the issue, but it absolutely was.

As far as adhd, I wish I could help you but I have severe adhd my self and the only thing that has really helped has been adderal . It changed my life, I couldn't function in society before. Never could clean my room once in 20 years, naturally smart and scored very highly on standardized tests but almost dropped out of high school, etc. However, I haven't gone back to school yet. I think when that time comes (soon hopefully), I may need something stronger than adderall, like desoxyn, if I can even get it. I need 60mg of adderall as it is and that's without any real tolerance, its what I need to manage my symptoms and be able to truly function and honestly, I think I could probably go higher, but I just haven't tried it. Not at once anyway, I've done around 70-90mg (i think) over the course of a day, but it was a bit much because I had some insomnia that night. 30 helps me focus to an extent, but doesn't take care of the hyperactivity at all. At high doses, I'm less fidgety and talkative than when I'm sober, though I can actually hold a conversation because I can listen to the other speaker(s). This will probably be a very unpopular opinion and keep in mind that I've never tried meth in any form, but if I were in your situation and could limit my usage to therapeutic doses and not overuse or tweak, I would probably give meth a shot. Its hard to understand how debilitating adult adhd can be unless you have it. Its bad enough in grade school, another story entirely in the real world. That being said, I have never gotten high from adderall so there's no temptation other than when I need to be able to focus and not be hyperactive. I don't know if the same thing would apply to meth, but if so, I would honestly use it if necessary. But its a fine line because meth addiction will do nothing but make both your adhd and depression worse. Are you willing to use the darknet? If I had no access to adderall, DNM would be the way to go. I feel you, people act often treat adhd like a minor disorder but I did not and can not have a life without treatment, which I only use 2-3x a week right now anyway. The difference is night and day. I don't dislike being sober, I just hate that I can't function in society or keep anything organized. I just smoke weed to help with the hyperactivity when I'm not on adderall, it does nothing for attention other than slow the constant bouncing thoughts. But it does chill me out and make me feel more comfortable in my skin. I've seen amphetamine addiction destroy someone I know, but he didn't really have adhd to begin with. I know it isn't a harmless drug, but if you need amphetamines, you need them imo. If they're all that work, I'd get them by any means necessary. And brain fog/memory loss from opiate addiction resolved for me in about a month. Good luck, hang in there. Its a tough situation but you will find reasons why life is worth living. If you don't have one and are an animal person, get a pet, a larger one like a cat or dog if you like company. It sounds kind of silly but having a living being to care for really helps, there's a reason why they're therapy animals.

Damn, this is a lot longer than I realized. I'll go back and separate paragraphs later (I'm on my phone and today's dose of adderall is wearing off. Got this post done just in time!). You're not alone OP.
 
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Ziiirp said:
If I'd commit suicide I would want the procedure to be either something special like jumping from the Mount Everest doing a 41-fold backflip while jerking off or offering myself to an icebear as prey to help her and her cubs survive through the breeding phase.
Click to expand...

THIS!

Wellbutrin use, and Tramadol use AND/or withdrawal can both cause suicidal thoughts. Using Wellbutrin & Tramadol concurrently is a legit recipe for a seizure, no shit!

There are many more than 4 drugs that treat ADD. Honestly it doesn't look like you're trying very hard. Have you tried any drugs besides the 4 listed? Because I tried many, many drugs before I found a good combination that helps me.

Have you tried Adderall? Dextroamphetamine? As a medical student you should know there are even more potential options that could be prescribed off label. Them new-fangled stimulants like Modafonil and all that new wakefulness-promoting shit...good enough for airforce pilots...I think I read that anyway, if its true, I do not know.

You say you have laziness, do you sleep well?
Inactivity alone could make one prone to inattention, and add sleep apnea, or some shit like that on top, and that's a recipe for all kinds of fatigue, and shit.

I don't abuse tramadol heavily anymore, mostly just for opiate withdrawal, but when I was younger Tramadol was probably the first true drug WITHDRAWAL I experienced....and honestly, having been thru Opiate(morphine, hydrocodone mostly) withdrawal countless times since, the first time I ever abused tramadol(450mg/day for 3-4 weeks), then ran out...i'd say that withdrawal was, in some ways, worse than true opiate withdrawal.
Opiate withdrawal hurts, but with tramadol WD I had pretty severe depression. To this day when I go thru opiate withdrawals every few weeks or so, I am NEVER anywhere near as depressed as I was with Tramadol withdrawal.....that was the only time I ever experienced, IMO, true clinical depression (chemical imbalance), and I hope I never do again.

Ever since then I have a lot more respect for all drugs, not just tramadol. But yeah depending how long you used tramadol etc....this could well be withdrawal related depression or the like.

OP, I'd say the best thing you could do for yourself is this; Talk to your doctor...you don't have to say you were suicidal, or that you abused drugs without a Rx...but you need to let him/her know that your ADD has become a SERIOUS problem for you, and that it's effecting you're life in the worst kinda way.
Because being Rx'd nothing but Ritalin & Strattera, it don't look like you're doctor is trying that hard either. So i'd make sure they know how serious you are about getting your Attention Deficit under control, and remind them that uncontrolled ADD can lead to a whole myriad of problems in adults if not treated appropriately.
And remind them also that everybody is different, and that ADD patients aren't a monolith that can be pulverized with nothing but Ritalin or Strattera. It takes time, money, and patience, and if you don't take control of the situation, it won't fix itself, and nobody else can fix it for you.
Godspeed, and thank positive for fucksake!
Everybody on here are pretty much junkies(not ALL, don't hate) who have a lot worse than a little bit of the good ol' Minimal Brain Dysfunction, so try to be grateful...I know I am, even though I often curse being alive....life is awesome, even when it sucks. So hang in there, you can always off yourself next month, or when the economy collapses again, lol!
 
Meth will make your depression worse permanently. It destroys dopamine producing cells causing parkinson and anhedonia.
 
Glad to see you are still with us, Tram!! Hang in there! I went through a SEVERE depression in my twenties after I got sick. I know the feeling but in 10 or twenty years when you are kicking it vwith your own family and thinking you couldn't love them anymore, you'll be glad you made it to see that day. There ARE people who understand and care :^)
 
You wanna kill yourself cause your dopamine levels are low and you;ve made this thread for attention- that being said take either of the following for a 3 hour complete 180: a) gram of ketamine snorted 50mg at a time every 25 minutes. b) take 3+ grams of shrooms c) Take 10 hits of REAL acid. OPTION A is the easiest. ALSO IF YOU do none of these, just wait a week and you will have a diferent headspace. If you are on your absolute worst and have nothing else you can do - reach for opiate.
 
I don't think he was going to use it to kill himself. Sounds like he was going to use it to chill and the burning grill in the bathroom, emitting CO was going to do the trick.
 
Will miss Tram :( said:
I'm still here,
Someone told me in PM that the suicidal thoughts might be the product of taking BUPROPION,
So I stopped taking it,
And the suicidal thoughts gone away.

I started this thread to get help for dealing with ADD (as a last solution), not for getting attention.

I'm still having problems with ADD and education, but I'm don't have any reason for leaving life anymore (only due to worrying about the future of my relatives without me; but I still believe life is a shitty and pointless thing, and not worth playing).

I got diagnosed with severe major depression recently,
But I don't like to take anti-depressant meds,
I am thinking about trying crystal meth via oral or rectal routes (to avoid the addiction/crave/binge potential of smoking/injecting/sniffing)
It's my only choice, since Desoxyn and Adderal are not available in my place,
And TRAMADOL ruined my memory in long-term (and my appearance, which improved after quitting it)

Does anyone know if memory loss due to long-term TRAMADOL use recover by time after quitting it? how long?
Click to expand...

DUDE, meth via oral or rectal.. or ANY route is complete dogshit.
For memory and energy and cognitive improvement take the supplement called " Acetyl-l-carnitine + ALA" amd "Piracetam". The first available on amazon or vitamane shoppe, the second on supplement websites.

These work wonders
 
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