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Dealing with the mess I am in

C

CrazyC

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 17, 2012
Messages
64
Location
Deep in the Woods, Appalachia USA
Hello BL

I am 7 days clean after deciding to quit everything...by everything I mean opiates, alcohol, and stims. I was using these daily for a while and my withdrawals have been pure hell. Wicked insomnia, shakes, sweats, and my personal favorite, anxiety. The physical part is finally receding, but the problems that I created in my addiction are just overwhelming my thoughts.

I am trying to be completely honest about the fact that my behavior has caused everything that is wrong in my life. I got fired (absenteeism) got a 2nd DUI (benzo blackout), let my house go all to hell, and incurred massive financial troubles, including bad checks still out. I was fortunate enough to get my job back, only because I am represented by a labor union, but it is on a strict probationary basis, which means that I CANNOT fuck up AT ALL for a long time. Just getting there is a constant worry since I cannot drive and will not be able to drive for a long time.

Now I realize that continuing this pattern will have grave and irreparable consequences. But the anxiety that consumes me when I think about how I am going to fix this mess is simply unbearable. That is what is threatening to drive me back to using something, ANYTHING, to take my mind off of the situation. I have no non-chemical coping skills at all. Add this to the fact that I never really learned how to enjoy living sober and you have a recipe for relapse. In the past I have accumulated, at the most, about 60 days clean time and then I start feeling like I can manage a few beers at a bar or a few pills or a few hits. It always leads me back to where I was and then some.

I simply cannot afford to slip up any more.

Any inspirational stories about overcoming these obstacles would be more than welcome at this time:)

Peace,

C.
 
Wow dude I basically did the same thing two weeks ago. Tru Broz.

Yeah you do: you're writing about how you feel.

You need a support team for it to last.

Look, you may be CrazyC, but you're not crazy, see?

My suggestion is to first get some professional help, then look through some of my last posts and find some humor in them. Some of the people on this site are quite funny; some don't know it, and it may be rude to "play" with them, but its one way to help get over your personal pain.

I truly admire your determination.
 
Stick with it and keep doing the next right thing.

Have you checked out AA/NA? What about smart recovery or lifering if 12 step isn't your things? There's options for everyone here.

Do you have insurance? Have you considered a treatment facility? They really tend to help a LOT with legal concerns from what I've seen.

Otherwise, all I can say is try meditation and breathing exercises for the anxiety. Spend some time each evening writing out everything that's buzzing around your head in a journal - it really helps. If something is really bothering you try writing it out, then burning the paper. Sounds weird but just try it. ;)

Otherwise, just try to stay calm. Call a public defender and start getting legal advice if you haven't already spoekn with an attorney. Therapy helps, one on one or group therapy like i mentioned already.
 
Hey C~

There comes a time in recovery where we all reach "that point"- that turning point. You are aware you have a problem that needs attention because of things that have recently happened, and you've been sober for 1 week! That's great.

I suggest maybe trying therapy- therapy works wonders. Also, as cheesy as this may sound: journaling. Also, are you spiritual? Do you like nature? Try to spend some time healing yourself from the mind outward <3 Like I said, it may sound silly but you may be surprised at how well it helps. It's never too late to turn your life around. The more you keep your mind occupied and perhaps get in touch with your spiritual side (it can be as simple as gardening), the less temptation you may have to use <3
 
Even if you don't believe in god, my advice is to pray for sobriety. Good luck man. I was a lot like you and I've been sober and happy for the last 2.5 years...it can be done.
 
it will probably take time before you start to feel better.
I was numb for two years after a decade long opiate addiction.
it sounds so dumb,but it gets better.

congrats on your clean time so far!
every minute is a victory.
 
First off, congrats on making it this far!!!
You have made it through the worst part, your body is still healing, give it time. I have been clean from stimulants for 10 years, quitting was hard, but it was nothing compared to opiates for me. I ended up on methadone wich for me was a huge mistake and quitting was hell. Just remember what it was like for you. Do you really want to go back to that place?
I too used because i couldnt cope with life, but coping only gets harder when you add in all the troubles addiction can cause you.
I would suggest seeking help from a therapist to learn how to deal with your anxiety without addicive substances.
I know its hard to do, but try not to worry about doing damage controll on your whole life right now and try to focus on being healthy and staying clean. Stay busy, do things you enjoy, and if it helps you keep posting here. It sure helpped me!
Good luck & stay strong!
 
Check out a 12 step group/mtng as mentioned above. I can totally relate to not having any non chemical coping skills , +not happy when sober.. So i feel ya, but NA has really helped when it comes to that. You will learn and then Hopefully believe that you can cope without substance abuse, That vibe really rubbed onto me from the first meeting I went to until present day! Keep your dukes up.
 
Hi there BL

Hope everyone is enjoying a sane and safe Friday night..well, Friday night here in the US, don't know where everyone else is at right now..

Thanks to all of you who replied. I have heard some things that I really needed to hear, and I appreciate the balanced input that I get on the boards. I am a spiritual person, but I am grateful to neversickanymore for posting info on SMART recovery because it allowed me to become aware of psychiatric problems that underlie the addictive nature of my personality. I have participated in 12 step programs, and they have provided missing pieces in my personal puzzle, but I needed a good physical understanding of the changes I have wrought in my own psychiatric and emotional makeup.

I understand that I need sobriety to allow my neural pathways to clear up. Things that I used to enjoy are dead to me now, regardless of whether I am using or not. The thing that frightens me the most is that I will never enjoy life again, drunk, high, or sober. I am miserable in the cycle of addiction, but I don't particularly enjoy life sober either. And thinking back, I never had my shit together, even when clean. I always find a way to destruct, even without substances.

The good news is that I made it through my first week back at work, against the tide of morbid curiosity that my co-workers presented me with due to the circumstances of my termination and re-instatement.

The bad news is that I ended up drinking a pile of beer yesterday at a 4th of July celebration. I awoke with the same sense of guilt and remorse that I always have.

I also learned that watching Drugs, INC on Discovery Channel is a BAAAD idea for me.....all it did was make me fantasize about a big old crack binge. I even had a dream where I had obtained an enormous quantity of the stuff and it made me feel like the happiest person in the world. I have lost my mind.

But at any rate, I am very grateful for all of your encouragement, and I wish the best for all of you on the journey to sanity.

Peace,

C.
 
Hey CrazyC

I had major panic attacks............I have had to run out of job interviews, leave work, avoid many situation with big consequences. It was a nightmare!

Been sober 1 1/2 years. Have not been this void of anxiety in MANY years. Being sober is a significant part of decreasing my anxiety. I never thought it could feel this way. Hope you keep up the clean living. It will pay off.........maybe not immediately, but it's pretty amazing when you start noticing it!
 
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