dealing with regret

[hazmatz]

I guess it's just one of those nights.

I was a smart kid. Had my eyes set on becoming a lawyer after high school, actually. I got accepted into a paralegal program at my community college and planned on going to a university from there to save some money.

But It never happened because I dropped out after one semester. Because I was always so anxious. And could never focus. I got shit grades, which was never a problem before I got so into drugs my senior year of high school.

I don't know. I guess I'm just feeling real bad about myself lately. I spend most of my time wondering what could have been. I sit in my cubicle at my low paying no-experience-required office job for 40 hours a week just fantasizing about my perfect self before drugs. Dad kicked me a few months ago so I was forced to get this job and venture out into the scary world on my own.

I live paycheck to paycheck paying for an apartment in one of the scariest neighborhoods in the Midwest. I'm the only white guy here and I'm watched like a hawk by my neighbors. I can barely afford food or gas, and I feel like I'm getting sick with something serious but health insurance is a luxury and it will be a long time before I can see a doctor again.

I just hate the uncertainty. What if I am diabetic or something? Or God forbid it's cancer. How is this 80$ going to last me the rest of the month? What if I go outside and my car is stolen or broken into?

I would do anything to go back and not smoke that first bowl. I'd do anything to go back to that first rave and say no to that guy selling me Molly. I'd do anything to go back and spend that money on some new textbooks instead of an ounce of shrooms. I feel like a God damn degenerate. And even though I've been clean for years now, I will never be that same naive but aspiring lawyer I was when I was seventeen.

How can I deal with this regret? The past consumes me. I miss my old life. On nights like these, I get very depressed and nostalgic and I cannot control it for the life of me.

 

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

I'd like to help you if possible. I read your post not long after you made if and I thought, I have this massive coin collection. It is worth a huge amount of money, probably well over $20,000. Maybe significantly more. I started collecting when I was 12 years old and now I am 32. I want to leave my place and you need a way out of yours. And I'm not sure if you still want to become a lawyer (maybe it isn't to late) or not, but if your motivation had anything to do with helping others/the world, you can surely find other avenues to do that. You don't have to be stuck in a dead end job that gives you no sense of purpose.

I am suggesting I sell some of my most valuable coins so I (or we) can make a start somewhere and then continue that after we get to a new place. It will take a couple of weeks, if you are interested. I just don't want to leave and live by myself, I'd like to have the chance to get to know someone else and learn to socialize. It sounds like you need that too. You would have to be willing to have my pets live in the house, and they are both unusual. And I have to choose certain states to make sure I can keep one of them and find a vet who would see him.

Are you interested in anything like that? I hope you see this and reply, so I'll know if we can work something out. It would help both of us, I think
It would give you a chance to see a doctor too to find out what is going on with you.

I take it you have trouble sleeping at night maybe? You use that animated owl as your avatar, that is just a guess though. I have always had trouble sleeping at night. Can't seem to change that. I can mix lots of pills and still stay awake all night, so I stopped trying. Sometimes I use Seroquel, but it makes me want to sleep all day too. I ended up sleeping the whole day because I took Seroquel to help me sleep. I think I just have a circadian rhythm disorder and maybe I just have to accept that sleep pattern. Perhaps you might have one if you've always been a night person. Not really on topic for the rest of the message but maybe we are similar in more ways than just mistakes we made and our anxiety/social problems. Also, I'll bet you are a nice guy

Seems we both see the world as a scary place. Maybe we could see things differently if we had a new place and chance to have and be friends? Though I'm kind of seeing things differently now, so much going on I was unaware of, people trying to help me - not sure why so much fuss over one guy. But I really just want the chance to help someone else/make a positive impact on the world. And I think if you have the chance to find a way to do that, you would find happiness - maybe coming together I could help you get there and do the same myself/with some support from a new friend.

I regret all the abuse of downers I engaged in (but my first psychedelic trip saved my life, probably - as did a few other trips - so I can't regret psychedelics, they've helped me when I've done them right - including recent use).

If you want to get over the regret, look for a better future. You have something to offer the world and when you see that, you will have no reason to regret the past!

Peace and love
Tryptamine*Dreamer

 

[herbavore]

How can I deal with this regret? The past consumes me. I miss my old life. On nights like these, I get very depressed and nostalgic and I cannot control it for the life of me.

I'm going to say something and I sincerely hope that you do not take it as harsh or uncaring because it is coming from the opposite place from both of those. Regret for the past is a way to avoid doing anything to achieve your goals in the present. I know that place well as I have certainly gotten myself stuck in it more than once in my life. It may feel sad and melancholy but it is also safe because you don't have to keep the goal. You can say "I already blew it" and that releases you from having to try for it even harder. I read a study the other day that said the strongest predictor of success (defined by happiness with your life) turned out not to be good schools or good grades but grit. They defined grit as the ability to keep working towards a goal even when the going got tough. Because of my age I have the advantage of looking backwards through a lot of different goals in my life. A lot were let go due to anxiety, but the ones that were achieved really were achieved through persistence and that makes them all the more meaningful.

Do you still have a lot of friends and family that you are close to where you live? Because if not, would you consider moving someplace that was less stressful (maybe a place that wasn't as expensive where you could work and go to a community college at the same time?

It sounds like your anxiety is a real stumbling block in your life and maybe that is exactly where you can put your energy right now. That and a very distracted mind are two things I've battled in my life, too. These can be mitigated through any practice aimed at mind/body/spirit health (mindfulness, yoga, meditation (especially guided meditations if you are new to it). Go to a bookstore or amazon and see what you can find about self-help techniques for anxiety--there is a lot of helpful stuff out there once you start looking. Maybe you could see this time in your life, not as failure, but as a period of great change inside despite the harsh conditions outside. Look to your heroes, whoever they may be. I sometimes think of Nelson Mandela growing and changing, honing his intellect as well as growing his compassion while sitting in a prison cell for 27 years.

PM me any time you feel you could use some support. I can really relate to where you are right now but more than anything I want to give you the hopefulness you need to move forward.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

This is something I am going to have to deal with at some point, I definitely have issues surrounding it. I just think that at the moment for me the most important thing is not letting any regret I may have affect my mental health to the point where it's holding me back even more from doing what I need to to move myself to a better situation in my life. No point pouring fuel on the fire, I know that I can forgive myself even if I haven't done it yet. Weirdly enough this came up for me earlier tonight. Much like a drug addiction itself letting go is harder than staying with it in the short run, but in the long run you will have to let go if you don't want it to drag you down. I guess I'm kind of in a middle ground at the moment between the two, maybe you could say that I'm repressing the issue a little, but maybe that's what I need to do at the moment to stay stable. I think as I remain conscious of the issue and make plans for dealing with it (and then act on them) it's ok to say that this isn't something I need to rush and that I can focus on the positive things I'm doing.

 

[hazmatz]

I know I'm necro-posting but I have to thank you guys for the responses. I forgot about this thread and suddenly remembered it when I was feeling bad about myself again tonight. And now I feel better and a bit more hopeful even I shot a message over to Tryptamine as well.

 

[namnoc16]

That's a horrible cycle you are in,I've been there. You can't keep dwelling on the past if you do you can't make a decent future for yourself. Okay you've established you fucked up with your drug choices so instead of wondering what could have been you need to slap yourself in the face , get out of the funk,and formulate a solution. You will need professional help with that.I know you said you can't afford a doctor but usually there is social service prgrams set up for people in your predictament. Go online and research this or call social services. Another good bet is if you can't find these services go to a 12 step meeting and ask people there what kinda programs are in your area. I'm not telling you that you have to go to aa or na for your recovery but if anyone would know what free services are in your area I almost guarantee someone there will. Dude I'm not trying to be insensitive to your problem at all(I've been there) but dwelling on your prior fuck ups isn't helping you at all it's doing the opposite. If you don't take care of it it'll consume you and you'll be in a spot so bad you'll be thinking back at this time in your life as being great compared to where you will end up being. Don't put it off because shit won't get any better without some action.If you ever want to bullshit feel free to PM me or just add to your posts. I feel for you but remember if you don't fix this it'll fix you! Damn good advice herbivore!!!!!!!!!!