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Dealing with rape

Pagey

Pagey

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 11, 2012
Messages
9,428
Location
The Valley of Ashes
Sorry if this isn't the right place to post this, I'm not entirely sure.
I mentioned on SLR a couple months ago that I was recently raped, but the overall focus of the thread was that I thought I was pregnant from that, so I'm posting about it again hoping to get advice from people who've been through it/know people who have about how to deal with the feelings and all.
The thing is, I was drugged at the time (benzos I'm thinking) and couldn't really remember the details of what had happened in the days after, although the general picture was abundantly clear, without going into too many details.
So I tried to distract myself, see lots of people, immerse myself in my hobbies, etc., to try and forget about what had happened. The thing is, memories of that night have been coming back regularly in the past few weeks and I keep getting flashing images/keep visualizing scenes. I have nightmares every single night and currently haven't slept in about 60 hours, but I'm afraid that if I close my eyes I'll start picturing him again. I know this was one of the reasons why I got myself so deep down the opiate path recently, but now that I'm clean again I honestly don't feel any better but am just at a total loss as for what to do. I feel disgusted, hurt, violated, ashamed, and scared, because of what happened. I don't want to talk to any of my friends about it. I mentioned it to my shrink exremely vaguely, but she kept pressing for details I didn't want to give. I've been managing to stay clear of more drugs for now but it's tough and I feel myself slipping with every day that goes by, especially now that I haven't slept in so long...I don't want to start taking them again, but I don't know what else to do to get just a tiny bit of relief.
Anyway, I guess it's easier posting about it on a forum where I don't know anyone personally.
By the way no, I didn't go to the police. I'm too scared to have to relive the whole thing entirely and I have so little details on the man anyway it probably wouldn't be helpful.
Oh and I was recently diagnosed with PTSD.

I'd very much appreciate any sorts of comments/tips/etc.
Thanks fellow darksiders :)
 
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Trying to suppress this is the absolute worst thing that you can do, sweetie. Did you tell your shrink that it was too painful to discuss the details? It won't go away and in fact it will begin to seep into other parts of your life if you don't try to meet it head on. I survived an attempted rape by a stranger when I was 15. The pervasive attitudes at the time were that it should never be spoken of. Healing was equated with stoic silence. I went through years of terror, shame, lack of trust and anger at men before it occurred to me that I needed to talk about that experience with someone. Talking about it with someone highlighted just how deep the shame goes. It was very painful because basically I still thought I had done something very stupid (put myself in a situation that was unsafe) and so in a way was continuing to blame myself all those years later. Even though some fear still persists I can definitely say that I don't think it would have been possible to heal as much as I have without a gentle but persistent therapist. EMDR is a highly recommended therapy for moving beyond a traumatic experience. Even if all you can do is to let your therapist know that you have so much fear that you cannot even imagine talking about it, it would be a good step to take.

As far as not sleeping goes, would it be possible to give something that is prescribed to a family member to give to you just for sleep? And not every night?

I am so sorry that you had this experience. You know that you can PM me anytime for anything but I'll just remind you.<3
 
I do know I shouldn't suppress it, but I don't know...I feel like I don't have the guts to face it head on. The stupid part is I went through a traumatic event a few years ago that I suppressed completely and it just ended up coming back more painful than before, but somehow, even knowing that I can't seem to just face what happened this time. I did tell my shrink that. She sort of just said I should talk about it and it wasn't healthy to keep it bottled up, but that wasn't all that helpful.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that as well, and that it wasn't understood better at the time. I can really relate with what you're saying about blaming yourself. I keep thinking I could have somehow avoided it and it's my fault - I don't know, I shouldn't have worn a skirt that evening, I shouldn't have looked at him, maybe I had it coming to me...whatever.
I'd heard about EMDR. The descriptions online sound like it could be helpful. I'll mention it to my therapist.

Well we have melatonin at home and I've been taking a *lot* of those but even when my eyes are trying to close and I feel absolutely exhausted I always find a way to stay awake somehow, like I unconsciously force myself to stay up or something :(

I do know that. I definitely might be sending you a PM one of these days. Thanks so much <3
 
Pagey, this is what trauma does/is. :( . You are hurt badly and need to heal or give yourself the freedom to speak your truth from a horrible ordeal(s) where you were made to feel victimized... you have done it on here. That takes guts; considering what you're going through imo, dont deny it. :)

Herb, gives good advice insofar as experience is concerned and the fact you are suffering more; by keeping this in, and trying to deal with it alone.
This isnt right.<3

However, it is a difficult and complex thing and trusting people when you feel so confused and vulnerable is hard- that is an undeniable fact and a very, natural defense mechanism to protect yourself. There is nothing wrong with that. It will take time.

Please, dont deny yourself the right to say your truth and heal though. You aren't alone with this, it is complicated but it is very real and you have to allow yourself to foster belief in yourself a little at a time.
Am so sorry your going through this atm Pagey, you dont deserve it but keep posting and getting it out.<3

Perhaps, like Herb said, you could tell your Therapist that you dont feel comfortable divulging details atm and suggest that they give you space to express what you feel comfortable with only for the time being .
...?

We all got your back here, with however it works out for you... with your therapist and anything else.
<3


Could you tell your shrink that you only feel feel comfortable talking about your feelings around it, for the time being,(shame, anger, and all the rest..)this would be a good step I rekon?
 
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Pagey - I did EMDR for 6 sessions last time I was in treatment. God, I wish I could be like I was cured! But it didn't do shit for me. However, this was the first time where I actually went to sexual abuse groups / therapy / everything that I didn't want to do. I was good at letting my past ruin every present day for years and years. Finally I trusted that my way wasn't working, I either had to deal w my shit and get LEGIT help or I would be dead relatively soon. It was scary as hell to talk about in any form for me, and it didn't instantly feel better, it hurt and fucking sucked. BUT, over time I noticed things changing, I was able to talk about it freely , eyes looking up. Acceptance of the TRUTH of my rapes through therapy of multiple types has helped me so much.
I am truly so sorry that you are put in this spot, but now that you are, it's so important to not let two people hurt you - dont ever turn your back on your own well being, you recognize how it's hurting you and influencing you, believe me it gets WORSE as time goes on because healing becomes like a joke. Healing is a progress w rape , you certainly aren't alone though and sleeping w out the flashbacks / smells throwing me into a rage / just the wrong glance sending me into violence - all that PTSD shit is SO much less now than it was. Stay strong, if you need anything jus shoot me a pm if i can help.
 
I can't really add much to the wonderful responses you've received already,except that I was date raped at 17 and wouldn't even acknowledge it to myself as rape for 8 years,as I blamed myself and my own stupidity,and thought I deserved it.

This led to years of self destruction and abusive relationships and generally hating myself.

As everyone has said,suppressing things is the worst thing you can do to yourself.You don't have to open up right away and tell your therapist everything straight off the bat,but do try to slowly reveal as much as you're comfortable with, so you can begin the healing process <3
 
I think the sleep issues are a direct result of what happened to you. Of course you don't want to fall asleep (be unconscious)--that's scary!

You know, I thought of something else you might be more comfortable with than talking to your therapist right now and that is reading. here are a few titles you could check out:


Beauty Restored: Finding Life and Hope after Date Rape by Me Ra Koh

Date Rape: It's Not Your Fault by Joan Meijer
 
Thank you so much to all of you and I'm so sorry to hear about the number of people who went through the same thing as me :(
Asclepius - that's a good idea regarding my therapist. I'm much more comfortable talking about my feelings relating to what happened so I'll definitely mention that to her.
theartofwar - I think I did need to hear it would get better even if it was horrible talking about it at first. I think I'm mostly scared of going through the whole recollection process and then it not even being helpful and me having to live with that...I'm not sure exactly.
hthr - I've started swimming to try and get my mind off it in the past few weeks. It's very relaxing and I think it's been helping, since at the very least I couldn't have imagined myself posting about it in so much detail just a couple weeks ago.
MissNervosa - wow, even though I'm so sorry that happened to you, thank you for telling me that. I'm so relieved to hear I'm not the only one.
herbavore - thank you, those books look like they could really help. I'll buy them asap.

Once again, thanks so much everyone <3
 
((((((<3)))))

You are an amazing young woman, Pagey. With everything that you are going through and have gone through recently, you remain positive and gracious.
 
Pagey just to put in perspective how strong you are handling this. I was serially raped for 3 months at 10 years old, 9 years later I said someone had touched me funny (I was sodomized each time) - then I said I made it up and didn't know why (ya that sounds real convincing) - finally at 21 my Dad heard all the truth. 11 years before one person heard anything.

Look at what you have done already , I am so proud of you. You are so strong, I promise you with your strength and heart you truly will not only find the recovery and coping methods that work for you but I can easily see you helping many others. So many times this horrific crime is left un told, at ALL ages. The shame moves quick and took me prisoner, never again, and now that I have embraced those three months as part of what shaped me into the man I am now - my life has serenity I never knew could exist. You are already doing so well, I just want to show you how long i ran from it - you are loving yourself in the time when that is exactly what you need amongst friends / fam. Don't forget to really love who you are, this does not define you - how you are handling it IS defining you, as one damn strong person. Stay strong - stay loved <3 best vibes to you
 
God taow, I'm so incredibly sorry to hear about that. I can't imagine what you went through and I'm so happy to hear you've managed to come to terms with it today. Your post made me feel so much better, it feels good to know I'm handling it all right because I didn't think so. Thank you <3
 
Pagey, you cannot handle it wrong as long as you are opening up (which you are!). Some people talk about it fast to people in their real lives, others do it other ways ... look I spent 4 days a week in 3 hour groups for sexual abuse for 63 days last time I went to rehab. I thought i was going to finally commit suicide the first week. I was the only guy, 11 girls, and I felt like such a fucking weak little joke who should just suck it up like a man and go to normal groups.
When I finally looked at my counsellor a sodomy victim from a brutal multiple persona rape on him and asked him would he tell me if he actually liked being alive or would he lie, and he didnt flinch looked at me and said my wife just had our first child and I promise you this works I know from experience, hear me experience - he kept echoing it. I decided at that point it was time to get it allllll out of the way - next meeting i said all the shit that I have no shame over now, ya I was ten and i got an erection, thats how mine and mens anatomy works no matter how fucking heinous the situation. So ya I hated myself for awhile because I never wanted to have sex I hated the feel of my own penis, enter drugs, enter lots of bad sexual choices for which I can only say I was being looked out for cuz I'm okay. I let it out there that I couldn't break the difference between a kind loving friendly gay man and the pedophile that raped me overn over. I have a wonderful gay friend who i see regularly these days and last thing I think about is a coward who goes after children - I was REALLY fucked up from keeping this shit in dude!!!! I could go on but I really just wanted to share some of what burying it did to me, I'm so grateful and happy to be alive but I could've gotten this help and saved myself A LOT of misery if i had just opened my mouth.

Again, you're doing awesome, I'm fucking so proud of you and look at this thread honestly the support that comes out is so legit in TDS.
 
It's great your counselor was able to get to you like that, you certainly had no reason whatsoever to be ashamed of what happened. Seriously, genuinely happy to hear you're doing better and I'm very impressed as well. I agree the support here in TDS is incredible. I feel so much better thanks to you guys.
 
Time heals many things. Your shrink should be of help, you should be able to open up to him/her.

All the best to you.
 
^Thanks.
Not feeling good at all right now, I had a bit of a massive panic attack earlier this night, and then I was supposed to go out to meet a friend, freaked out, and have been locked up in my apartment since. I feel ridiculous.
 
Pagey, do any of your friends know what happened and if so are there any amongst them that yo feel safe talking to about it?
 
Oh Pagey, I'm so sorry. If you aren't comfortable talking to your therapist would you considering trying someone else? Is it that you feel vulnerable bc your therapist knows you and you are worried about facing them again? Or do you just not feel strong enough yet? I had some things happen to me that I just couldn't divulge to my therapist. What I did was schedule with a different one, cried my eyes out purging every detail, opened myself to their suggestions, and then never returned to her. It was a release but didn't effect my ongoing therapy with my reg psychologist. If I hadn't done that I know I would either never tell my psych. or would've told her and never gone back out of...I dunno...shame? Just a thought... maybe unload on someone who is detached from your life but can also help guide you.
 
I don't agree with your doctor's tactics to push you for details. Sadly, I can empathize with you first hand. I understand all of the terrible feelings you're having and I'm truly sorry for your pain and this terror.

I too was dosed on what I assume to be a shit ton of LSD. I only remember portions of it. I remember enough. I didn't do the right thing. I didn't tell anyone for years. Don't be me. Please. Because of the trauma I experienced, in addition to being on another planet from the heafty dose of Acid, there was a gun and at least two guys involved. I couldn't remember the All of the horrid details. Only some. For some reason, I was angry at myself (though, I thought I was a more rational person than to be mad at myself for their horrendous actions), I was enraged hat I didn't remember every last grimy detail. For some reason, I thought I couldn't truly heal from it unless I remembered every second of it and because I was drugged, I wold never remember, thus never properly emotionally heal. This simply isn't true. Your subconscious mind has been equipped with natural defense mechanisms that will only allow you to deal with as much as you can, for that very moment. For instance, then I was too emotionally raw to remember it all. As I've grown, at least 18 years later, I get glimpses, flashes of little bits. My mind will only dish out enough memories that I can emotionally handl t that time. Allow yourself ime to heal on Your terms. Not your shink's terms. Don't forget, many who work in the field of Psych, get into it because they've been damaged or because they are interested in it to try any figure out their own issues. Just go with what feels comfortable for you, however slowly nd cautiously that might be. This is an example of something you Do have control over.

Just o be clear, I'm not suggesting repression here, I'm making sure you know You have the right to talk about this t your own pace. But, teensy bits t first, short durations. Baby stps. Be well, dear. You're a survivor.
 
*samsonite* said:
What I did was schedule with a different one, cried my eyes out purging every detail, opened myself to their suggestions, and then never returned to her. It was a release but didn't effect my ongoing therapy with my reg psychologist... maybe unload on someone who is detached from your life but can also help guide you.
Click to expand...

That I a truly brilliant idea, Samsonite. Thank you. I too may take your great advice. Thank you very, very much.
 
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