Dealing with PTSD and Anxiety

[Beefy]

Hi, I've been suffering with PTSD and anxiety for almost 10 years. But I was drugged and sexually abused in a hotel room for 2 days in 2004. I didn't report it. It has taken me literally years to deal with it head on. I haven't truly acknowledged what even happened till i went to outpatient rehab about 3 years ago, then psychotherapy. But even then i wasn't able to go into details so i guess i didn't deal with it the healthy way.
I say this because i feel sometimes, the more time that passes, new things start to pop up. I kind of stopped the denial phase. I Accepted what happened to me. I also ended the "i deserved it" way of thinking, which brought on things like shame. not dealing with it because i didn't think anyone would believe me or truly help me because i was heavily into drugs. Right now, i'm trying the CBT way of dealing with negative feelings of fear, shame and/or guilt, etc... So whenever i start feeling something negative, I just ride it out and don't try to stop myself from thinking those things or reliving the event. Those are the things i hate the most. Even though at the time i was very out of me off an on, Now i think about it and sometimes i can clearly put myself back in the room. and that is the worst thing i have to go through sometimes. It is something that i have tried to push out of my mind for so many years, so you i can't even begin to describe how i feel when i see his face or think of those days.
I think I've passed the phase of drinking and getting high to not think about it. Or try to get artificial happiness or artificial euphoria. But for a while now, i'm always checking to see if my door is properly locked. Since it happened, I've always been scared of getting attacked again. So i'm always scared someone is going to come in my house and kidnap me.
I decided to write this post because on another board, someone was talking about wanting to commit suicide, and how he should do it. So since I've been there and tried and failed a few times after this incident (I tried when i was 14 and 16 as well. I was diagnosed with depression at 14 and was put on Prozac after a hospitalization from a suicide attempt). So i described some of my past, and being there too and wanting to die. But after failing from pills overdoses. After going to rehab, trying to cheer myself up. And little by little, wanting to stay alive. So i thought maybe it would help me if i made a thread and maybe get some advice on ways of dealing with these symptoms and being on the way to being anxiety free.
Right now for psychiatric stuff, I'm currently prescribed Celexa, Propanolol, Zyprexa, Hydroxyzine, and Methadone. The methadone is more for the heroin addiction. I decided to use heroin when i was suicidal and 2 years after this the incident. I felt like i was going to die, so i might as well use heroin to see how it's like, and maybe then, die from a heroin overdose. But I really think heroin helped me become happier. I was able to not be anxious, have panic attacks or feel scared whenever i wasn't drinking. I think it helped me so much that i stopped drinking and just stayed with heroin and benzos. At that point I was doing a lot of crystal meth, crack and alcohol. But after the incident, I realized that crystal meth didn't help me from trying to not think about what happened. I needed something that was going to make me sleep while being awake. So heroin and benzos fit in perfectly. I don't really use heroin or benzos that much anymore since i'm on methadone. I used a klonopin this weekend, but before that, it was a couple of weeks ago. and i have a # for Xanax bars, because i can't get any benzos from my psychiatrist because of my past drug history. but i haven't really been calling him. maybe just once a month.
Right now i like to isolate i guess. I just stay home. I feel safe at home. I have a significant other who visits me sometimes and begs me to come over and sleep over, But i usually end up saying tomorrow or this upcoming weekend. But i just find an excuse to not go. I haven't told him the extent of my PTSD, But he knows I suffer from anxiety and depression, so he is comforting when i tell him i'm depressed or anxious. My parents don't know how to deal with me, They know i suffer from mental illnesses, But they just thin it's Depression. I'm sorry to just ramble on. But i guess i'd like some advice on what I should do to help these symptoms go away.
Thanks

 

[Ryan D.]

This is deep... in terms of short term relief i found megadoses of niacinamide -2500mg- exceeded my expectations considerably (have a look at Jonathon Prousky, he's done a lot of research into naturalpathic cures for anxiety)... Carl Pfeiffer may have some ideas you find useful also....
Best of luck with this one. The thing that really springs to mind immediately is Ayahuasca - 'the Purge'
THere's a documentary called 'stepping into the fire' on Youtube which may intrigue you - i hear a number of people have used it to treat perhaps the level of suffering you have described, and often with remarkable success.
And if you do go through with it and drink the Tea as they call it (making sure that there is no dangerous contraindiction between the MAOIs in Ayahuasca and any medication you may be on at the time) then i honour you with your bravery and remarkable skillmanship!
x

 

[Ryan D.]

SSRI's and MAOIs do NOT go well together. If you were to seriously consider using Ayahuasca im afraid you would have to come off the SSRIs...

 

[RobotRipping]

ayahuasca isn't going to fix everything, though it may show you what to fix. There's no magic bullet or easy way out, you have to work hard at improving yourself and your life. I've tripped hundreds and hundreds of times and it did not improve my anxiety, the only thing that helps my anxiety is therapy and medication, working through the root causes of my problems and learning to deal with them in a new way.

stick with the cbt and stop looking for a drug that will fix you, you can fix you and the more you try, the easier it gets and the more positive the outcome.

 

[herbavore]

OP, I know exactly what you are going through. I was sexually assaulted when I was teenager and the fallout from that was so intense for so long that I thought I would never escape it. I never got treatment for it at the time and I now see how damaging that was. CBT is a great therapy for dealing with it head on. Being drug free would really clear your mind for dealing with it and moving on in a healthy way.

What about survivor support groups?

Until I had a dog, I could never sleep. Any chance you could have a dog?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Have you considered reporting it?

 

[hthr007]

I'm so sorry to hear that, OP.

I'm a victim of sexual abuse. It has caused me do much pain, suffering, and left me very angry and bitter. Sights, sounds, scents, and words can all trigger great anxiety in me because it brings me back in time. It breaks my heart to hear of ANYONE being a victim of sexual abuse. No one should ever have to experience that.

Like Herbavore mentioned, have you tried CBT? That can be a great help. Your feelings are always going to be raw and real, but CBT will help you with how to deal with them and channel your emotions properly. Pharmaceuticals/drugs may help temporarily, but it's really like putting a bandaid on. It treats symptoms for a short time and doesn't help you cope. I know this first hand all too well. Once you learn how to deal with your feelings, you will find that your quality of life will improve.

I truly wish the best for you.

 

[RedLeader]

Heroin's great at medicating PTS away at first, but the problem is that at the same time (long-term) heroin blocks your motivation to better your life in other ways, and you just end up stuck in a rut where your entire day revolves around the drug. This leaves your mind with too much time to wander. Without heroin, you can find the motivation to push yourself forward and accomplish new things, and staying busy is the best way to keep your mind away from bad stuff.

Remaining around hard drugs also puts you at risk of further difficult experiences, which will only make your life feel even less livable.

 

[Beefy]

I did consider reporting it. But it's passed 7 years, and i don't think you can report a crime like that after 7 years. The whole statue of limitation thing. But I was in a therapy group before, But it was more for substance abuse. But you were able to talk about anything that was bothering you. So i got to talk about my anxiety and experiences related to it for some time. I have heard a therapist say that symptoms of PTSD will stay with you forever. I should try to get a second opinion on that from another professional.
I think when the new year begins, I'll look into going to therapy again and maybe starting a CBT group. I know of one in a hospital by me.
I don't know if i should try ayahuasca. I recently tried some MXE and 5-meo-mipt and it helped bring my mood up. I know i shouldn't rely on drugs to make me feel better, But i'm glad that it did more good than harm.
I also agree that Heroin is great at helping you with anxiety, But the longer you keep doing it, the more of a slave you are to the drug. And yes, that is true, You will be prone to more messed up experiences the longer you are in that lifestyle. So i'm glad that i've been on Methadone for almost 2 years.
It also hurts me to hear that people went through some of the same horrible experiences I went through. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I hate that there are evil people in the world today that just want to hurt people. It's not a perfect world and we must protect ourselves and our loved ones from these evil f*cks.
I really appreciate all the feedback. It's really helpful to talk about these things and i think sometimes it helps talking to strangers about it.
Thank you very much.

 

[codienne]

If you do report it, The statue of limitations may have run out on that and even then...at least in Canada where I live its reallly hard to go to court for those kind of things. Cases like that get thrown out real easy. Cops pretty much saved me in the middle of a rape once..and still not enough forensic evidence for court. but it will stay on file if you report it so if anyone reports those people again your case can be brought up and to court with theirs. Im trying the Cbt too. Realising i want genouine life and healing and outlets rather than bandaids and substitutes for life...and that it all leads to the same bs again anyways with drugs.
Lately ive actually been trying an free app. Its called Ptsd coach...its made for veterans but works for anyone with ptsd...it has an assement you can do every once in a while to graph how your doing and a lot of tools for the symptoms. Visualizations, self soothing stuff, breathing excersizes ect. it has actually helped me a little.
Also Finding an outlet helps alot. For me right now its drumming lol...I suck but it really helps me get through the emotions let go of things and helps me to keep my mind focused on something good. Some kind of mindfullness. I think learning something, Finding a passion no matter how small or big is a good thing 1 for the outlet and 2 to actually get reallly good at something helps with a lot of the aspects. Self worth, Control over yourself..those kind of things.
This one is reallly hard..I have had ptsd for a long time..i had a few bad traumatic events since the first..so its kind of come back with a vengeance. but for the first time..I had to forgive...Every day I would say I forgive you..in my mind and mean it as much as i could..and pictured a chain between us and everytime i said it the chain would get hot and melt. it took a long time and i had to reallly learn what forgiveness meant to me..but affter a while one day i said it and really meant it. that helped more than anything. Hard as fucking hell though...dosnt seem right at first..but worth it in the end. I really respect your courage to talk about what happened a lot. Not easy, even on the internet. Be proud of yourself for fighting for life....your gonna make it..

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I just wanted to say that the symptoms of PTSD certainly don't last forever for all of us, and that there is a lot the human mind is able to overcome.

 

[chrisalt]

Hi, I've been suffering with PTSD and anxiety for almost 10 years. But I was drugged and sexually abused in a hotel room for 2 days in 2004. I didn't report it. It has taken me literally years to deal with it head on. I haven't truly acknowledged what even happened till i went to outpatient rehab about 3 years ago, then psychotherapy. But even then i wasn't able to go into details so i guess i didn't deal with it the healthy way.
I say this because i feel sometimes, the more time that passes, new things start to pop up. I kind of stopped the denial phase. I Accepted what happened to me. I also ended the "i deserved it" way of thinking, which brought on things like shame. not dealing with it because i didn't think anyone would believe me or truly help me because i was heavily into drugs. Right now, i'm trying the CBT way of dealing with negative feelings of fear, shame and/or guilt, etc... So whenever i start feeling something negative, I just ride it out and don't try to stop myself from thinking those things or reliving the event. Those are the things i hate the most. Even though at the time i was very out of me off an on, Now i think about it and sometimes i can clearly put myself back in the room. and that is the worst thing i have to go through sometimes. It is something that i have tried to push out of my mind for so many years, so you i can't even begin to describe how i feel when i see his face or think of those days.
I think I've passed the phase of drinking and getting high to not think about it. Or try to get artificial happiness or artificial euphoria. But for a while now, i'm always checking to see if my door is properly locked. Since it happened, I've always been scared of getting attacked again. So i'm always scared someone is going to come in my house and kidnap me.
I decided to write this post because on another board, someone was talking about wanting to commit suicide, and how he should do it. So since I've been there and tried and failed a few times after this incident (I tried when i was 14 and 16 as well. I was diagnosed with depression at 14 and was put on Prozac after a hospitalization from a suicide attempt). So i described some of my past, and being there too and wanting to die. But after failing from pills overdoses. After going to rehab, trying to cheer myself up. And little by little, wanting to stay alive. So i thought maybe it would help me if i made a thread and maybe get some advice on ways of dealing with these symptoms and being on the way to being anxiety free.
Right now for psychiatric stuff, I'm currently prescribed Celexa, Propanolol, Zyprexa, Hydroxyzine, and Methadone. The methadone is more for the heroin addiction. I decided to use heroin when i was suicidal and 2 years after this the incident. I felt like i was going to die, so i might as well use heroin to see how it's like, and maybe then, die from a heroin overdose. But I really think heroin helped me become happier. I was able to not be anxious, have panic attacks or feel scared whenever i wasn't drinking. I think it helped me so much that i stopped drinking and just stayed with heroin and benzos. At that point I was doing a lot of crystal meth, crack and alcohol. But after the incident, I realized that crystal meth didn't help me from trying to not think about what happened. I needed something that was going to make me sleep while being awake. So heroin and benzos fit in perfectly. I don't really use heroin or benzos that much anymore since i'm on methadone. I used a klonopin this weekend, but before that, it was a couple of weeks ago. and i have a # for Xanax bars, because i can't get any benzos from my psychiatrist because of my past drug history. but i haven't really been calling him. maybe just once a month.
Right now i like to isolate i guess. I just stay home. I feel safe at home. I have a significant other who visits me sometimes and begs me to come over and sleep over, But i usually end up saying tomorrow or this upcoming weekend. But i just find an excuse to not go. I haven't told him the extent of my PTSD, But he knows I suffer from anxiety and depression, so he is comforting when i tell him i'm depressed or anxious. My parents don't know how to deal with me, They know i suffer from mental illnesses, But they just thin it's Depression. I'm sorry to just ramble on. But i guess i'd like some advice on what I should do to help these symptoms go away.
Thanks

Hey, beefy I suffer from the same mental illnessesas you( for different but equally fucked up reasons). I rather not get into. Im 25 and have been dealing with these problems since 10. At around 21 I became a chronic pain patient which makes every thing 10000 worse mentally. My parents to have tried eveything. Its funny right b4 I read this thread i had called a family memeber because im basically psychotic atm from the 3 month drug bender ive been on since sept 26 when i broke up with my EX. What they said is in a "defeated i dont know what to say anymore type voice almost boarderline i dont want to hear it anymore" was you know what you have to do so do it or fuck off with the problem. this was said it in a nicer way but i got the msg. Im just giving u a little of my back story so u can feel better in knowing atleast pretty much everyone else is equally fucked up.

My tip to feel better is get off drugs. ANY drug makes everything 1000 times worse. Drugs are fine occasionally through out the year but if ur blocking mental pain and not using them just for fun then drugs are not the answer. The opposite actually . As for the benzo use i would advise contintuing to use them responsibly if u have a panic attack that u just need a pill for (not just regular anxiety). I am horribly addicted and on 100 mgs of vallium atm lol dont go down this road. I cant beilve my shrink started me on these when i was 16 (i stilll cant believe to this day they let a 16 year old with parental consent join the canadian reserves. i guess they just need men that bad to go fight some rich mans war. i guess he gave them to me because i just got out after a little bit to a a honorable medical discharge i was a fucking mess...

Best of luck finding a non chemical solution.
chris

 

[Beefy]

If you do report it, The statue of limitations may have run out on that and even then...at least in Canada where I live its reallly hard to go to court for those kind of things. Cases like that get thrown out real easy. Cops pretty much saved me in the middle of a rape once..and still not enough forensic evidence for court. but it will stay on file if you report it so if anyone reports those people again your case can be brought up and to court with theirs. Im trying the Cbt too. Realising i want genouine life and healing and outlets rather than bandaids and substitutes for life...and that it all leads to the same bs again anyways with drugs.
Lately ive actually been trying an free app. Its called Ptsd coach...its made for veterans but works for anyone with ptsd...it has an assement you can do every once in a while to graph how your doing and a lot of tools for the symptoms. Visualizations, self soothing stuff, breathing excersizes ect. it has actually helped me a little.
Also Finding an outlet helps alot. For me right now its drumming lol...I suck but it really helps me get through the emotions let go of things and helps me to keep my mind focused on something good. Some kind of mindfullness. I think learning something, Finding a passion no matter how small or big is a good thing 1 for the outlet and 2 to actually get reallly good at something helps with a lot of the aspects. Self worth, Control over yourself..those kind of things.
This one is reallly hard..I have had ptsd for a long time..i had a few bad traumatic events since the first..so its kind of come back with a vengeance. but for the first time..I had to forgive...Every day I would say I forgive you..in my mind and mean it as much as i could..and pictured a chain between us and everytime i said it the chain would get hot and melt. it took a long time and i had to reallly learn what forgiveness meant to me..but affter a while one day i said it and really meant it. that helped more than anything. Hard as fucking hell though...dosnt seem right at first..but worth it in the end. I really respect your courage to talk about what happened a lot. Not easy, even on the internet. Be proud of yourself for fighting for life....your gonna make it..

Hi codienne

Thank you so much for your post. I really appreciate when people are able to address their own pain in a healthy way and i love reading about people surviving such horrible events. Surviving is the best thing you can read to make your own survival that much more important and also easier. That app (PTSD Coach) sounds amazing. I think i once looked for something like that when i got my smartphone, but i wasn't able to find anything. But i wasn't actually looking so much for something PTSD specific. I think i was looking more for anxiety and depression information apps.
That's really cool that you're a drummer, and i completely understand what you mean by it being therapeutic in a way. I mean, you are beating these drums so hard, so i can imagine you're probably releasing a lot of stuff when you hit the drums. I'm also into music. I have been producing EDM off and on for almost 10 years. I would love to one day learn how to record full bands or even just a drum set. It takes skills to record drums and guitars and make them sound good. I guess i'm thinking more along the lines of mics and placement and effects, etc... But that's a hobby of mine that i'm able to get lost in sometimes. But i also want to take either photography classes or painting classes. Whenever i've been in psych wards or rehabs(3x), I love joining the art groups and just painting my boredom away.
I can also relate when you talk about learning to forgive. That was a big one for me and it was something i felt i needed to do to let the pain and anger go. I was holding on to it so close and i wasn't seeing. I really was on a downward spiral because of it. But when i was able to realize i needed to let go of it, I thought that forgiving was going to be something that was going to be vital in my recovery. Some people don't really understand people who forgive those who have hurt them. But they don't understand how liberating it is when you forgive. I really think it lifted so many weights off my shoulder and heart/soul. I think those people who caused us harm wanted us to feel hurt. to never let go. to be screwed up. I think that gives them their power. So when you forgive them, it's like you're taking their power away and taking control of your life again. Thank you so much for sharing. I figured, hey, after being in psych wards, rehabs and outpatient groups, sharing online isn't such a big thing. I think it's actually easier then sharing when you're in a group.

Captain.Heroin:, I hope that the symptoms do go away. I heard from a professional that they diminish over time, but never really go away. I feel that they have diminished over time greatly. But sometimes they return, But things have become more manageable.

Chrisalt: Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad that you were able to get off drugs and make yourself feel better. I do agree that drugs does make some mental illnesses much worse and should be used moderately. After a traumatic event, I feel that everyone just wants to forget about it as much as possible. And that's what i did, Maybe for about 6-7 years. But now that it's been 9 years, I feel i'm ok and don't need to use so much all the time. I've been able to use some drugs that were making things worse. But i'm able to use some drugs sparingly and moderately now. Family and friends have even complimented me because they see the difference. With friends i told them that i still use sometimes (pot, k/mxe, mdma and opiates sometimes), But i was able to quit what i think put me in places where i kept getting hurt like coke and meth.
I can't believe that a doctor would prescribe a 16y.o. valium for daily use. That's really crazy, but then when i think about you being in the reserves, they probably thought you saw some really f*cked up stuff and really needed it for panic attacks. But i wonder if they prescribed klonopin or ativan first since some psychiatrists think that klonopin is a lighter and safer benzo. So they usually prescribe that first before going to something heavier/harder. best of luck to you as well

 

[herbavore]

but for the first time..I had to forgive...Every day I would say I forgive you..in my mind and mean it as much as i could..and pictured a chain between us and everytime i said it the chain would get hot and melt. it took a long time and i had to reallly learn what forgiveness meant to me..but affter a while one day i said it and really meant it. that helped more than anything. Hard as fucking hell though...dosnt seem right at first..but worth it in the end.

I have also had great luck with visualization/body work with the intention of letting go. Forgiveness is simply letting go of the power the experience exerts over your life long after the actual event has ceased. Trauma happens in the mind, the body and the spirit. Sometimes we focus only on the mind and it fails to bring relief. Body work/visualization like what codienne is describing can be incredibly empowering and profound.

That app sounds amazing btw. Almost enough to make me come out of the dark ages of my little-old-lady-single-purpose mobile phone.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

About a week ago, I had a flashback and I just accepted it for what it was worth and moved forward and still had a good day nonetheless.

My suggestion is to take your time with what's going on in your life and to do your best and to feel good for trying, even if things don't work out like you want them to. Before you know it things will be better again.

You can always PM me if you want to.