Dealing with Guilt: A Friend's Death

[msFancyPants]

I don't know why this has started to get to me NOW-- I think I pushed this aside for so long that the pain surrounding this event has built and built and is seeking release. I feel strange talking to other friends about this (and you'll see why when reading this further) so maybe putting this out there for a more objective crowd will prove much more therapeutic.

Here goes-- so the day before Christmas eve of 2007, a very close friend of mine (and I will even go so far as to tell that I had a secret sexual relationship with this person... who also has a girlfriend that we were hiding this from) died in his sleep at his grandmother's house. He had died from an overdose, most likely, of benzos, opiates, and alcohol, things which were always in his system in copious amounts. He was only 31 year old. One might say, "well why do YOU feel guilt about this? Many heavy abusers of such things die this way!" Thing is: much of what was in his system was FROM me. My pal had a strong history of using these things way before I'd met him, and was a well-known musician in the area, also well-known for falling off barstools while performing, getting kicked out of every music venue, and frequenting hospitals and rehabs. Many people had issue with him, but I loved and adored him, and, well, I GOT him. And then, suddenly he was gone.

After his death, I was so ashamed of the fact that I'd given him many of the pills that he took that night, and the fact that I was engaged to another and cheating, and my friend that died, was cheating on HIS long term girlfriend with me. And then he died, and I was so riddled with guilt and shame and self-loathing, and the worst part was that I FELT I COULD NEVER TELL ANYONE about why the grief and loss I was experiencing might have been a little more profound than some others'.

So here, suddenly, a number of years later, after I've done a lot of healing, finally admitting to one or two other's about what happened, and coming to terms with the fact that I was NOT responsible for his death as this was a person who would have found it another way if it weren't for me... here suddenly he is is my memory again very vividly, along with the guilt and disgust that I had so long ago suppressed. For some reasons I dream about him, and these aren't good dreams-- i liken them to haunting. I have nightmares about him, and wake up with sweats and panic, though I can't remember exactly what was so terrifying about these dreams that my friend is making appearances in again suddenly.

All I know is that for the last few weeks I feel utterly uncomfortable, and am feeling that nagging feeling of guilt and pain that came so easily before but took years to heal myself from, and now I feel like I am back to square one.

I am wondering why this is happening again-- regressing in my grief for my friend. I do know a few months ago I was listening to some recordings of his music and suddenly found myself simply MISSING him-- wanting to talk to him and cuddle with him again-- just to HANG out with him, and the notion of his death didn't even rear its ugly head, and then suddenly it did, and its affecting my life profoundly. Its keeping me awake, and I don't know how comfortable with that I am.

 

[OverDone]

hey, grief is an odd thing and I can only theorize based on my own experience.

Stripping away all that outside stuff (the 'what ifs', the circumstances, the other people, the drugs and even the time elapsed) you'll probably see that you just miss him dearly/ All the 'real deal' interactions you guys had, the simple things, the minutia that we always forget is coming back to you. All those things are the little bits that lead to the great feelings we feel.

Chances are that you may even be glamorizing and making those good times even better in your mind (and heart) to a point of a beautiful and 100% positive fantasy. This is beautiful but its also dishonest (i.e. fantasy isn't real, if it isn't real it isn't true, if it isn't true it isn't honest)

Sometimes we remember past experiences in absolutes that disallow the balance of the opposite polarity. You are remembering (fondly) all the wonderful and pleasant experiences you two had without any of the negative minutia that tempered and dulled those experiences when they were actually happening.

Its good to feel your feelings, completely. Feel them, let them happen and then let them go. We have no control over the thoughts and feelings that hit us. The only thing we can control is the way we react to them

My guess is that you are lonely right now and are projecting yourself into a time that once was. Don't sweat that... we all do it. The problem is that the imagery of that time is adulterated to the point of absurdity through our magnification of either the good or the bad

You'll be okay, it simply shows that you have a good heart and an ability to feel

 

[Splinterguitar69]

A girlfriend of mine a couple of years ago was shooting up heroin with one of my friends, and had I no idea either of them were doing heroin. Let alone together. I found all this out when her dad called me as I was about to get ready for work to tell me she had died from a heroin overdose and the people she was with basically let her die instead of calling an ambulance for fear of getting in trouble. She was 18 years old. I caught her on SOMETHING a couple of nights before that figuring it was oxycontin or one of the like. I was so mad, I laid into her (not physically, of course). I feel as though I should have handled the situation better, and accepted her problem and supported her. Blamed myself for a long time. Developed a hydrocodone problem. Things got bad. Then one day I woke up and noticed the fact that I couldn't make sense of it all. I just gave up trying to figure it out, and I came to the epiphany that I never will. And that means I'm not to blame when she made her own decision

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no one will ever make up your mind for you, and in the grand scheme of the universe the space we occupy is so small and minuscule we could get wiped out and there would be nothing left really to care about it. You have to find what matters to you, ya know? Not for anyone else to judge what's important in your life. I believe people come in and out of your life to teach you important lessons and I think we both have to learn the same few in situations like these. You are not to blame for anyone else's choices, and you don't have the time on this earth to let it hold you back from living your life. I'm not saying grief and mourning aren't what initially need to be done, but going on believing there was anything you could do to stop him is only going to hold you back. Write him a letter and save it in your computer. Add on to it when you are thinking about him. Works for me. The biggest thing to remember is you aren't all by yourself. PM me if you'd like to read mine to her.

 

[yuhhhhh]

OverDone i really like what you had to say. spot on.

the whole concept of being able to feel emotions had become completely foreign to me until i quit taking opiates. during the years that i was addicted i experienced the deaths of friends and my grandfather. i thought at the time i was grieving but i would drown out the grief with pills or heroin. i don't think i was even consciously doing so, it was just what i did. so after a couple months of being clean i am still experiencing a lot of emotions, particularly grief, that i had neglected for a long time. i too have recently had dreams about friends who have passed away. just a couple nights ago i had a dream about a friend of mine who also passed away due to alcohol, benzos, and oxycontin. in the dream i knew he was gone but i didn't want to tell him so because in my dream if he became aware he would leave. and eventually that's what happened and i woke up in complete hysterics.

what has helped for me has been counseling. i was very hesitant to do anything of the sort before my first session but for me i noticed how it helped me emotionally right away. if you have the opportunity, believe me i understand it isn't cheap, i would strongly suggest it if you haven't already.

regardless i hope the OP is able to find some closure.

 

[msFancyPants]

Thanks guys so much for the thoughtful posts, and sorry its taken me so long to get back. As it turns out, a lot of issues surrounding my PTSD (not related to this event, but rather a very traumatic event that took place early this spring) began to surface-- nightmares not only about Phil, but about "the other" event became a trend; I was finding myself being aware of a presence in my waking hours that was freaking me out; flashbacks started to become a thing happening regularly to me not only in my dreams, but while I was awake, too. Sounds like a door shutting, someone walking into the room with me, or someone even laughing suddenly and loudly is making me jump out of my skin every time. SO I am thinking that, at least in part, that there is some sort of connection in my psyche between the two... I am being hypervigilant about every single other thing in my life, so why would this other traumatic event begin to surface as well?!! I am going to see if my partner, who works in a medical field, might be able to hook me up with a prescription of a high-beta blocker as these drugs really help with many of the symptoms, including nightmares, of PTSD and see if any of these symptoms go away.

Though just squashing these things isn't a total answer, I am aware of that. I really need to look into WHY these things are suddenly resurfacing!

 

[msFancyPants]

the whole concept of being able to feel emotions had become completely foreign to me until i quit taking opiates. during the years that i was addicted i experienced the deaths of friends and my grandfather. i thought at the time i was grieving but i would drown out the grief with pills or heroin. i don't think i was even consciously doing so, it was just what i did. so after a couple months of being clean i am still experiencing a lot of emotions, particularly grief, that i had neglected for a long time.

This has come to make me wonder if the role of opiate withdrawal (I recently replaced a high dose of methadone with a moderate daily amount of kratom) is playing a role in this sudden hypersensitivity in me! Perhaps I was better able to "deal" with these things by putting on the "happy pep" with the opiates, and although I am now taking another opioid-agonist, it is much more mild than the methadone; thus I am maybe taking on new emotions about things since no real endorphin rush is keeping out REAL blues? Hmmm. I may have to look in my journals more ti see if a pattern emerged shortly after I came off of it?

 

[msFancyPants]

Chances are that you may even be glamorizing and making those good times even better in your mind (and heart) to a point of a beautiful and 100% positive fantasy. This is beautiful but its also dishonest (i.e. fantasy isn't real, if it isn't real it isn't true, if it isn't true it isn't honest)
l

Well. Thinking about it: Sneaking around my then-fiance's back for some drunken sex with a guy who also has a girlfriend? Sitting on the downtown mall in Charlottesville waiting for hours to go by so that my late friend had time to scrounge up enough money for crack, pills, booze, heroin, etc. by means of street performance before he had time to actually hang out? Going to see his shows (before he became a street musician) and having to be the one to carry him out after falling off his stool on stage where he was performing and getting kicked out?

Yeah, you are pretty much right on that one. Of course, many people really don't want to portray their deceased loved ones in a light that is nwgative, as guilt may wash over them as a result... and the truth is things WERE chaotic when I was hanging out with him... but at the same time, I loved this man dearly (not love in a romantic way, per say) and I GOT him... and I though I feel guilt for my VERY-INDIRECT role in his death (*pats herself on the bath for not blaming self*) I also pride myself for being a friend to him when others shunned him; for being able to understand a man who was so deeply troubled.

And yes, I DO miss him dearly... when much time has passed, I think that it is much easier to forget the bad and remember and pine for the good, and I think that partially, this is what I am doing.

 

[yuhhhhh]

seems like you even found comfort in the chaos. it was, at the very least, familiar to you. for me i cognitively want to believe that life is better without the drugs and all the symptoms of an addiction (the people, financial ruin, being sick.) but honestly i do miss it sometimes. not the high specifically, although i absolutely miss that from time to time, but just the familiarity of that lifestyle. i reveled in it for years. however i also reveled in anger and self pity. it was like i was able to see some of the dark sides of life that most people do. even looking back at the destruction i still have a fucked up romantic view of it all.

 

[arctica]

Minipress (a.k.a. prazosin) has been shown to help with PTSD nightmares. You might ask your doc if you could try it and see if it helps.

 

[herbavore]

The first thing I knew I had to say at my beautiful son's memorial was, "I want to talk about guilt" My son died of an overdose 3 weeks after he turned 20. Looking out at all the faces of his friends I knew that guilt was eating at so many of them. I told them that whether they introduced drugs to my son, did drugs with my son, provided drugs to my son or even just turned away from him when he got in over his head that they should try to exorcise guilt from the myriad feelings that his death created in each of them. Guilt is useful in the first twinge that says, "here's something you should look at". Facing painful truths about our own actions and decisions is good. But hanging on to guilt and using it to tell ourselves over and over again that we are bad is not only useless it is destructive. We stay stuck, don't learn anything and do harm to ourselves which usually further harms others. I don't speak from a lofty place. No parent can escape the horrendous guilt of not having "protected" their child from death. So, while it is an emotion that I know well it is one that is generally based on the false assumption that I could have controlled my son's experiences,feelings, choices etc. I couldn't and his friends couldn't either. Sometimes I imagine his friends will just feel guilty that they are still here and he isn't. I would just say this:Remember who he was. Honor who he was. He found what he set out to find in every aspect of his life and no one could stop him; this was as true for adventure, information, education and freedom as it was for drugs. All any of us can do is make ourselves peaceful inside.

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ That is one of the best, most inspiring first-posts I've ever read on Bluelight. I am sorry for the loss of your son
Thank you for your wise words, and welcome to the site

Though just squashing these things isn't a total answer, I am aware of that. I really need to look into WHY these things are suddenly resurfacing!

You're absolutely right hun. Whilst some type of medication could help with the nightmares and help you get some proper sleep, which will in turn help your moods/anxiety a bit as well, it will still only be acting as a band-aid over what is really going on deep in your mind.
Have you ever had any counselling/therapy to try and deal with Phil's death, and/or your PTSD? If so, was it helpful? If not, is it something you would consider doing? It can't do any harm, so it might be worth a try

 

[TINK]

I am currently in group therapy with a few people that are dealing with the loss of loved ones. Some from suicide, overdoses, natural causes and one from a murder. It is natural to feel guilty but you need to realize that that is one of the phases of greiving. Everyone experiences loss at some point in their life, whether it be a loss of life, job, relationship or whatever. Grieving is a process, there is no timetable that you should follow, but understand that at some point you should be moving through the process. If you find that you are stagnant, and you are not getting past the guilt, seek guidance. Good luck and I am sorry for your loss.