Dealing with death knowing its close. How....

[Crackle pop]

How at 37 do I accept my hearts damaged beyond repair from years of heart disease. Unstable angina and 8 yes EIGHT heart attacks.
Iam on my last life and I'm lucky to be here now. During my double bypass I died twice lost loads of blood (thank my stars for blood doners and infusions) and they worked into the early hours to save me. Everything went wrong in theatre plan b c and d were all used aswell as a second surgeon... they saved me that night and fort hard to bypass the blocked artery my LV .
That has since failed in less than a year my bypass isn't working.
I'm now at the point of one more heart attack will finish me my hearts to damaged an weak to take more damage . I'm told this by my surgeons after an echo echocardiogram.
Its a case of when no longer a if but when the next one strikes & ultimately kills me.
Im 37 I have a 16 Yr old daughter. I have no savings nor expensive possessions to leave her. A few hundred in the bank if she's lucky. How do I deal with leaving my girl? And leaving her with nothing as such. I wish I had grands for her but I haven't .
How do u even prepare to die this young.. what should I be getting in order for when it happens, should i bother with a will?
I'm so confused an dont like thinking about it but the truth is its coming an i need to be prepared and strong for them left behind.
I'm scared n No way near ready to die n leave loved ones behind.
I hope its not prolonged pain and its quick. Damm isn't even possible to be prepared for death... I don't know the

Thanks for any advice guys I have to face it sooner or later an accept my fate

 

[Crackle pop]

Like how do ya man up n be brave for everyone when the truth is your not ready still young n have years left . Id say its unfair but I've had 37 yrs so far some people don't get that much. Truth is life isn't fair its far far from it.
I just wish I had a a guaranteed ten years left id be 47 then. Still no age to die , you just assume an take for granted you'll grow old and become a grandparent . Head of the family , full of advice an wisdom. Sadly for me that is not ment to be.
Its reality and it is really going to happen to me . I have to accept it some how

 

[Joey]

I'm 30 and have a diagnosis that's 3-15 years from onset. Started May 2020. That's just one issue so I'm pretty aware of this feeling. Look at this. Now against May 2020..




It was worse the next time. My perspective changed a lot over this and a suicide attempt in Feb of 2020. Im not really afraid of dying. I'm afraid I'll never be able to accomplish what I want or feel I have to do though. It's frustrating as fuck. No matter what, it's okay though. Nothing we can do.

 

[Crackle pop]

I feel for you brother its hard to wake up positive every morning and not go off the rails and carry on with "life"
It definitely makes it mentally destroying having a great daughter with such a close bond. I feel for her more than myself. Although the thought of not seeing her get married an have kids my grandkids is such a hard pill to swallow.
Nobody in my family or circle wants to talk about me dying as they're either not strong enough like my mum and can't or they say something to try make light of it and change the subject, have you experienced anything like this?
Or they'll tell you something like buckle up cos you're about to go on one hell of a ride so sit back n enjoy it!
A close friend said this all i could think is you don't n can't relate at all . Once gone were gone never coming back I sometimes think people forget that. I want to spend quality time with loved ones but its almost as if they've got all the time in the world.

Do you mind me asking what is it thats wrong... you don't have to answer if you don't want to mate.
My inbox is always open if you need to rant or talk shit or just fancy a chat

Have u delt with the whole thing n accepted it. If so how did you do that?
Thanks for replying mate

 

[pernikar]

So sorry to hear that. Wish I had something better to say, but the truth is, living with depression my entire life, I've always had a feeling like death is close. To be completely honest, I'm half surprised I'm still here, I thought that if the drugs wouldn't kill me I would have done it myself by now. So that assuming to grow old and be a grandparent was never really something that crossed my mind - even now, I don't really make any plans for future, because I don't really expect to have a future. I'm sorry I don't have a better advice for you that isn't to try living like if you had depression...

 

[Crackle pop]

So sorry to hear that. Wish I had something better to say, but the truth is, living with depression my entire life, I've always had a feeling like death is close. To be completely honest, I'm half surprised I'm still here, I thought that if the drugs wouldn't kill me I would have done it myself by now. So that assuming to grow old and be a grandparent was never really something that crossed my mind - even now, I don't really make any plans for future, because I don't really expect to have a future. I'm sorry I don't have a better advice for you that isn't to try living like if you had depression...

I've also suffered with depression an anxiety since a teenager i was diagnosed with BPD and PTSD by a physiatrist some years ago. Tried allsorts meds benzos sleeping mess and anti depressants and so on but nothing has worked. Multiple suicide attempts in my early n late 20s yeah so I get you as in feeling like there's no future so don't make plans etc.
Funny thing is now I know the end is coming the last few months my depression has taken a back seat an no longer feel suicidal how strange is that?
Hope you feel better and more yourself soon my friend. Live your best life while you still can

 

[Crackle pop]

I sit in my bungalow day after day after day alone ( well me and "Doobie" my feline friend) watching the same old TV repeats smoking weed everyday without fail n probably 1 or 2 sessions on the rock I never use two days on the trott and always be stric with my use . Weed is my doc I smoke rock on low days or just for a change from groundhog day
The other days I was sat stoned deep in thought and I should be making a list of things I wish to do an see before my times up. Not clock watching waiting for the 3 hour mark then I skin a joint smoke it, eat crap wait for a couple of hours to pass an roll another joint get stoned eat napp eat etc you get the point.
My times running out n im almost in denial of the fact and carrying on as if I have all the time in the world
I've travelled quite abit in my 20s early 30s before this done Amsterdam over ten times . Barca and Portugal.
What isit you guys would want to do /complete or visit if you was in my shoes?
Just need some ideas as the most obvious is travelling but seeing as I've done abit of travelling im open to ideas out side the box,?
Thanks guys

 

[jhjhsdi]

@Crackle pop
I'd probably write some kind of letter or like day to day diary with various sized entries, general thoughts, wishes, maybe notes for loved ones, that kind of thing if you aren't writing a will...
Maybe make a to-do 'bucket' list and try to tick at least one thing off a day? I dunno

Really sorry to hear of your sad situation man, all the best and not much else i can say there isn't much point trying to sugar coat it, stay strong, stay positive, stay as healthy as possible maybe you might even make it to 40....fuck i hope that it doesnt come too soon bro

 

[Crackle pop]

@Crackle pop
I'd probably write some kind of letter or like day to day diary with various sized entries, general thoughts, wishes, maybe notes for loved ones, that kind of thing if you aren't writing a will...
Maybe make a to-do 'bucket' list and try to tick at least one thing off a day? I dunno

Really sorry to hear of your sad situation man, all the best and not much else i can say there isn't much point trying to sugar coat it, stay strong, stay positive, stay as healthy as possible maybe you might even make it to 40....fuck i hope that it doesnt come too soon bro

Mate thank you that's a great idea ... a journal day to day little things that make or made me laugh or angry etc etc if nothing else for my daughter to read it may contain some random shite but itl also show her that my love for her is never ending I've never loved anyone like I love my daughter
Also my monthly disability hits my bank around 9pm n I have to pay my weed man an grab more as I pass the co op I'm sure they sell like notepad book diary things an will start it tonight. From now me feeling pretty healthy and ill write init daily as I get worse but I can explain so much an put my emotions n feelings on paper as I'm no good at talking feelings . What a brilliant idea , huge thank you!
I already carry a paper with a paragraph for everyone of my close lived ones an family. This way I can dedicate a couple of pages to them rather than trying to fit a goodbye an making them feel okay about things . Let things go that in the past caused problems , lifes to short.

Thank you man , I'm not looking for anyone to sugar coat shit m8 you're right nor am I looking for sympathy. I just know times not on my side & I feel I needed to do something. I now know what , cannot thank you enough for the idea. It'll be good for everyone around me

 

[jhjhsdi]

Mate thank you that's a great idea ... a journal day to day little things that make or made me laugh or angry etc etc if nothing else for my daughter to read it may contain some random shite but itl also show her that my love for her is never ending I've never loved anyone like I love my daughter

Yeah that's exactly what I meant!

Also my monthly disability hits my bank around 9pm n I have to pay my weed man an grab more as I pass the co op I'm sure they sell like notepad book diary things an will start it tonight. From now me feeling pretty healthy and ill write init daily as I get worse but I can explain so much an put my emotions n feelings on paper as I'm no good at talking feelings . What a brilliant idea , huge thank you!

It's a great feeling that you like the idea pal I'm sure co op do little books yeah or you could even write it digitally on your phone/a mix of both, if written digitally just make sure someone close knows about it, has access and prints out it for your girl.

Thank you man , I'm not looking for anyone to sugar coat shit m8 you're right nor am I looking for sympathy. I just know times not on my side & I feel I needed to do something. I now know what , cannot thank you enough for the idea. It'll be good for everyone around me

No worries I'm honestly glad to be of help

 

[Crackle pop]

@jhjhsdi seriously thank you man. I ended up getting baked last night falling into a 12 hour coma lol . But I have to go into my town to the chemist for my green liquid handcuffs so ill be sure to grab a good book and start this.

The whole
"hiya babe . So if you're reading this that time has come and dad has passed in body but my soul will stay with you eternally .
You always was an are the love of my life......"

Reading that written just then I felt an Rush of adrenaline more intense than any rock I've ever had a feeling of warmth n energy ran throughout my views n through my heart while writing how I plan to start the journal/dairy!!!

Wow that has shocked me so so much and shows me that this is definitely what I should be doing.
No bulletin the feeling that gave me I've never felt the rush and warmth felt like the first hit of iv heroin you ever do ... unexplainable mate. Again thank you im on this today mate

Also my daughters mentioned a few times that she's goin to find something in my letters a saying of mine or about my love for her n have it tattooed in my exact hand writing as a forever cherished in memory of her old man.
Iam glad to of got to see her grow this far she is 16 now and is just as I was at that age , openly smoking weed as I did with my mum at 15 plus

 

[Crackle pop]

And I think hand written is alot more personal , and raw mistakes n everything. Maybe even the odd splash of a tear or two on the page. I could tape a lock of hair in there and some real personal things.
Writing it digital is a good idea if I think of something or something happens that I need to detail so as to not forget then copy to paper. We read digital letters most days bills an fines n court summons etc etc its never good news and is very formal . So handwritten raw warts an all is definitely the way forward . . I know that my close family so. Mum , dad n his wife. Brother and wife and daughter will all want to take an read it all for themselves.
So I have a question.
Do I be totally honest about the id say once weekly rock smoking which they all dispise and disowned me back when I was addicted to white smoking in a morning for days until I crash list everything . So now I have life bk in order use propb once a week I don't steal nor sell my things to use n only when funds allow but this will no doubt upset and anger most of them an in death im trying to keep it real yet not all dark n depressing & I want them to think I was ready an fought all the way to the bitter end. Rather than leaving them thinking im scared like a rabbit in the headlights and am not ready no way near but I will not burden them n make them feel bad and upset. So do I tell white lies? They know I smoke weed everyday. I think maybe just mention the weed an nothing harder .... opinions?

Sorry for the long replies guys I'm baked from waking an baking and rambling hahaha

 

[jhjhsdi]

@Crackle pop wicked mate

Maybe don't mention the crack not too sure really

 

[pernikar]

Maybe don't mention the crack not too sure really

Yeah, that's what I was thinking as well.

I mean it's a tough question, because on one hand you want to be as honest as possible, but on the other hand you don't want to be remembered in a bad way or potentially ruin an otherwise wholesome memory by talking about doing crack, especially if they knew about it and hated it. I'd think that if there's no need to mention the crack, just leave it out. You don't need to lie about it, just don't mention it at all. That's what I do on daily basis about my own drug use - if someone doesn't ask me about it specifically, then there's no need to talk about it and I just act as if it doesn't exist. I mean, is the story about you smoking crack really that important and adding value to the diary that it warrants a mention?

And about the other part:

I want them to think I was ready an fought all the way to the bitter end. Rather than leaving them thinking im scared like a rabbit in the headlights and am not ready no way near but I will not burden them n make them feel bad and upset.

I would be honest about this one. Actually the way you just put it here is a good way of telling it. Be honest about how you feel, that's in my opinion much more important than being honest about your occasional crack use.

 

[Crackle pop]

Yeah, that's what I was thinking as well.

I mean it's a tough question, because on one hand you want to be as honest as possible, but on the other hand you don't want to be remembered in a bad way or potentially ruin an otherwise wholesome memory by talking about doing crack, especially if they knew about it and hated it. I'd think that if there's no need to mention the crack, just leave it out. You don't need to lie about it, just don't mention it at all. That's what I do on daily basis about my own drug use - if someone doesn't ask me about it specifically, then there's no need to talk about it and I just act as if it doesn't exist. I mean, is the story about you smoking crack really that important and adding value to the diary that it warrants a mention?

And about the other part:


I would be honest about this one. Actually the way you just put it here is a good way of telling it. Be honest about how you feel, that's in my opinion much more important than being honest about your occasional crack use.

Thanks for the kind words and wise ones at that!! Much appreciated.
I started it and got up to about 20 pages and had to sell my phone to survive after a big blowout spending my 2 weeks money to live on , on crack ffs I managed to go ten days no phone no money only a loaf of bread some milk n oats and about 10g of tobacco and 2g of weed and I managed ok was like a task I'd set myself although pissed off blowing my money I got thru it but I'm mesrlt at the same position now but have 100 to last 10 days no more after tonight ugh. Famous last words. But I only use now 2 times a month rather than daily have got a new better phone and started it again and yeah your right I'm no crack addict now I have problems n binge but use only 2 times a month so your right it's not needed thank you. I'm still here going strong now everything comes before this addictive expensive rock and believe this with eating well and looking after myself is the reason I'm still here. Had I still been using 24/7 I'd be gone already
Again thank you

 

[w01fg4ng]

I ended up getting baked last night falling into a 12 hour coma lol . But I have to go into my town to the chemist for my green liquid handcuffs so ill be sure to grab a good book and start this.

Hey I'm just throwing an idea around if you need marijuana medication for cheap you might be able to get some delta 8 online for under a dollar a gram. I make my own tinctures and I'll get 12 hour results from them for literal change in my pocket. PM me or come over to Cannabis Discussion for more info.

Sorry to hear about everything. Letting go and learning how to say goodbye to others is something everyone struggles with. Good luck brother.

 

[Crackle pop]

Cheers my friend I will definitely have a look into that as canna is my go to doc sounds great can it be mailed to the UK?
Learning how to say goodbye wow my heart sank reading that. Truth is I'm no way near ready too but I had better suck it up n learn how to say bye to my loved ones and my beautiful daughter.
Such a shit situation an no one around me can relate its so hard man...
Thank you so much

 

[w01fg4ng]

Cheers my friend I will definitely have a look into that as canna is my go to doc sounds great can it be mailed to the UK?
Learning how to say goodbye wow my heart sank reading that. Truth is I'm no way near ready too but I had better suck it up n learn how to say bye to my loved ones and my beautiful daughter.
Such a shit situation an no one around me can relate its so hard man...
Thank you so much

Some from a companies (such as zeropointextractions) have successfully shipped to other countries.

My partner has recently had a couple stints put in. I have very similar thoughts as you.

 

[somnilicious]

I'm 30 and have a diagnosis that's 3-15 years from onset. Started May 2020. That's just one issue so I'm pretty aware of this feeling. Look at this. Now against May 2020..




It was worse the next time. My perspective changed a lot over this and a suicide attempt in Feb of 2020. Im not really afraid of dying. I'm afraid I'll never be able to accomplish what I want or feel I have to do though. It's frustrating as fuck. No matter what, it's okay though. Nothing we can do.

May I ask the diagnosis? It's liver related? and if it progressed? I have similar fears and issues is why I ask.

 

[Joey]

May I ask the diagnosis? It's liver related? and if it progressed? I have similar fears and issues is why I ask.

Neuro-Behcets. It’s autoimmune.