xburtonchic
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 17, 2011
- Messages
- 1,004
This is a problem I'm having that's come up only recently, and it's already gotten out of control to the point where I feel the need to come here and ask for outside advice. To summarize, a guy who I am only interested in getting to know as a friend has issues with respecting boundaries - not even just personal boundaries, but ones that most people understand to be socially acceptable as well. I have told him countless times, over and over, in no uncertain terms, that I am not interested in dating him and I only want to get to know him as a friend. The reason I have told him this over and over is because he'll claim to understand this, and even to feel the same way... for about a day. Then he crosses the line into "I'm obviously interested in more with you" territory once again, and I have to reset the boundaries of our relationship... once again. I do want to be friends, because despite his faults, he is a nice guy... I just don't know how to make myself more clear than I already have been about this without hurting his feelings.
So that's the problem I'm having in a nutshell for those of you who don't like TLDR posts, and don't want to read the backstory that's about to follow (something I feel is necessary simply because, to me, this is a complicated situation, and I feel like further explanation is needed in order to shed more light both on his personality and the situation as a whole.)
This guy recently contacted me on Facebook, and right off the bat, it was clear that he was interested in getting to know me as more than a friend. I should add that this is a guy I went to Jr. High School with and haven't seen since - we weren't friends or anything back then, we were only in band together - but to hear some of the things he says to me, you would think we were super close best friends or that we dated or something. I mean, he'll tell me things like how much he misses me and how sad it makes him that he hasn't seen me since then (we're both 24 now). That creeped me out a bit, I won't lie, but it's not like a run-far-far-away kind of creepy, you know? Now, there's nothing wrong with messaging a person on Facebook with the intention of getting to know them that way. However, once the person makes it clear that they're not interested in the same thing, there IS something wrong with continuing to be pushy about it.
It started off with him saying those things like, "I miss you", him asking me personal questions that you just don't ask people you're not either a.) already friends with, or b.) trying to get to know in THAT way, calling me pet names like babe and hun and sweetheart, asking me if I found him attractive, and so on. As SOON as I got the impression that he wanted to be more than friends, I told him straight up that wasn't what I wanted, just so there wouldn't be any confusion later on. But throughout this time, I had to remind him several more times, to the point where I was actually getting really frustrated. Finally, he SEEMED to have gotten the hint, promised that even though he was attracted to me, he was fine with just being friends, and he toned it down a lot. One day he mentioned that he had wanted to try smoking weed for a while now, and so I offered to smoke him out. Well, the day before our scheduled sesh, he thought it would be appropriate for whatever reason to ask me if we could do a shotgun (blowing smoke in the other person's mouth while kissing, for those of you who don't know.) When I got pissed off about it, he feigned innocence and acted like he thought that's what friends do with each other ALL the time when they smoke weed. Riiight. I'm not stupid and I knew he was just trying to cover up his mistake, so I simply told him that I wasn't ready to meet up with him yet after all, and that I wouldn't be comfortable with it until I was ABSOLUTELY SURE that we were on the same page.
Real quick before I go on... this is what I mean about boundary issues, you guys. As a general rule, you don't ask someone to make out with you who you've never hung out with before, never even officially met, and know nothing about. You just don't, it's rude. That's what I mean about how he can't even follow the simple, common sense boundaries that are understood by the rest of society. As far as my personal boundaries, he knows where I stand. I left no room for any doubt. And the whole "Oh I thought friends who smoke weed together make out with each other all the time"... I'm sorry. I'm just not buying it. The dude has some SERIOUS boundary issues, as you're probably already starting to see... but it gets worse.
So it seemed that I had put him in his place, because he ceased the relationship kind of talk completely. A few weeks later, he asked me one day what I was doing, and I told him I was about to head to the grocery store. He asked if he could join me since he had some shopping to do as well. I agreed, but ONLY because of the fact that he had been "good" for a few weeks, the completely informal setting, it was in a very public place, the activity itself couldn't be misconstrued as being an actual date, and the fact that he reassured me that he didn't see it as one - just two friends hanging out. I was genuinely beginning to trust that he had given up on the idea that we would start dating, and that he was okay with getting to know me as just a friend. So I decided to finally give him what he wanted - a chance at showing me he could be just my friend. I gave him my number (HUGE mistake) and told him to text me when he was there, and I'd meet him out front.
Well, ALL of that turned out to be a mistake. While we were hanging out, he asked me out on a date. Once again forcing me to reject him... something I HATE doing to people, and I feel bad enough about it doing it on Facebook, let alone in person. But when I said no, he tried to play it off like he was only offering to pay because he knows all of my money is tied up in court fees and bullshit right now, and that it wouldn't be an actual date. My saying "no" at that point would make it look like I was saying, "No, I don't even want to hang out with you as a friend." But at the same time, I didn't want to say "yes", either, because I knew that he wasn't being entirely truthful with me and that in his mind it WOULD be a date. So I left him with a "maybe"... and that might have been my biggest mistake, because telling a person with boundary issues "maybe"? You might as well just be telling them, "Yes, and while we're at it, let's get married too!" I just wish I'd known that before, because all of that was yesterday... and today, he acts like we're officially dating. He says things to me that you would ONLY say to someone after a first date, and are interested in seeing again... things like, "I'm already anxious to see you again," (20 minutes after I left) or "I wish you were here right now," or "It would be more fun if you were here." He texts me all day long (hence why I said giving him my number was a huge mistake). He's back to using the pet names on me.
The biggest thing was a few hours ago, when he asked me if I'd like to come over sometime and meet his parents. I haven't responded yet. I decided I needed to get an outside perspective first, because I'm officially in over my head here. Things are worse now than they ever were before, and I feel like anything I say doesn't matter. I'm powerless to stop him from doing it, no matter how blunt I am. It's like he's made up his mind, and nothing is going to change it. I have never dealt with someone that is so disrespectful of other peoples' personal boundaries before, or so damn PUSHY for that matter. Oh, something else I just remembered -- I actually had this SAME problem with him exactly two years ago. That time, the issue was that he had kept asking me for my phone number... like, incessantly... and I said no. Time and time again, he would ask, I would say no, and the cycle would repeat a day later. Until one day he took it upon himself to FIND my phone number on the internet or something somewhere (I'm still unclear as to how he got it), and called me one day out of no where. I'd had it at that point and told him to get lost... and he did... for a while anyway. Now he's back and doing it again.
I know what I SHOULD do is tell him to get lost. I probably should have a long time ago. But here's where things get complicated for me: I have a HUGE weakness for the underdog. I have too much sympathy and compassion for others for, literally, my own good. I mean, look where it's gotten me. This guy, if you haven't already noticed, is socially awkward and has no friends. And I know he has no friends BECAUSE he's socially awkward. And that makes me feel bad. When I hear about how he does nothing, ever, except hang out with his family... I don't know... something about that just tugs at my heartstrings and makes me want to be the one to give that person a chance. I think there might be something slightly... wrong... with him mentally too, if you know what I mean. Like, I think he's slightly mentally handicapped, and that makes me feel even worse in this whole situation. And when you add in the fact that he is a genuinely nice guy... I mean, when he heard about my financial troubles, he offered to pay something off for me (I said no, because then the lines would REALLY be blurred to him, but still to offer was so incredibly nice of him). All these things together make me want to keep giving him a chance to finally "get it". Besides that, like I said he's a nice guy and I really do want to be his friend... but that's it. Just his friend. The problem is, he doesn't understand that and he REFUSES to understand that no matter what I do or say! I don't know if I have the heart to tell him to get lost a second time, but I'm beginning to feel like that's my only option.
Is there any other way? How have you guys successfully dealt with people like this in the past? What am I doing wrong, EXACTLY, so that I can stop doing it? I feel like it's not safe for me to say ANYTHING to him except for the most blandest of things, that it's not safe to ever agree to hang out with him, or respond to his texts even, for fear of him taking it as an invitation... because the way it seems to me is that ANYTHING is an invitation in his mind. The only way it makes sense to me is that, even though I clearly told him the day before what my feelings are, the next day I do or say something different... and just because it's different, to him it means that I've changed my mind entirely. Does that make sense? Someone help.
Thanks...
So that's the problem I'm having in a nutshell for those of you who don't like TLDR posts, and don't want to read the backstory that's about to follow (something I feel is necessary simply because, to me, this is a complicated situation, and I feel like further explanation is needed in order to shed more light both on his personality and the situation as a whole.)
This guy recently contacted me on Facebook, and right off the bat, it was clear that he was interested in getting to know me as more than a friend. I should add that this is a guy I went to Jr. High School with and haven't seen since - we weren't friends or anything back then, we were only in band together - but to hear some of the things he says to me, you would think we were super close best friends or that we dated or something. I mean, he'll tell me things like how much he misses me and how sad it makes him that he hasn't seen me since then (we're both 24 now). That creeped me out a bit, I won't lie, but it's not like a run-far-far-away kind of creepy, you know? Now, there's nothing wrong with messaging a person on Facebook with the intention of getting to know them that way. However, once the person makes it clear that they're not interested in the same thing, there IS something wrong with continuing to be pushy about it.
It started off with him saying those things like, "I miss you", him asking me personal questions that you just don't ask people you're not either a.) already friends with, or b.) trying to get to know in THAT way, calling me pet names like babe and hun and sweetheart, asking me if I found him attractive, and so on. As SOON as I got the impression that he wanted to be more than friends, I told him straight up that wasn't what I wanted, just so there wouldn't be any confusion later on. But throughout this time, I had to remind him several more times, to the point where I was actually getting really frustrated. Finally, he SEEMED to have gotten the hint, promised that even though he was attracted to me, he was fine with just being friends, and he toned it down a lot. One day he mentioned that he had wanted to try smoking weed for a while now, and so I offered to smoke him out. Well, the day before our scheduled sesh, he thought it would be appropriate for whatever reason to ask me if we could do a shotgun (blowing smoke in the other person's mouth while kissing, for those of you who don't know.) When I got pissed off about it, he feigned innocence and acted like he thought that's what friends do with each other ALL the time when they smoke weed. Riiight. I'm not stupid and I knew he was just trying to cover up his mistake, so I simply told him that I wasn't ready to meet up with him yet after all, and that I wouldn't be comfortable with it until I was ABSOLUTELY SURE that we were on the same page.
Real quick before I go on... this is what I mean about boundary issues, you guys. As a general rule, you don't ask someone to make out with you who you've never hung out with before, never even officially met, and know nothing about. You just don't, it's rude. That's what I mean about how he can't even follow the simple, common sense boundaries that are understood by the rest of society. As far as my personal boundaries, he knows where I stand. I left no room for any doubt. And the whole "Oh I thought friends who smoke weed together make out with each other all the time"... I'm sorry. I'm just not buying it. The dude has some SERIOUS boundary issues, as you're probably already starting to see... but it gets worse.
So it seemed that I had put him in his place, because he ceased the relationship kind of talk completely. A few weeks later, he asked me one day what I was doing, and I told him I was about to head to the grocery store. He asked if he could join me since he had some shopping to do as well. I agreed, but ONLY because of the fact that he had been "good" for a few weeks, the completely informal setting, it was in a very public place, the activity itself couldn't be misconstrued as being an actual date, and the fact that he reassured me that he didn't see it as one - just two friends hanging out. I was genuinely beginning to trust that he had given up on the idea that we would start dating, and that he was okay with getting to know me as just a friend. So I decided to finally give him what he wanted - a chance at showing me he could be just my friend. I gave him my number (HUGE mistake) and told him to text me when he was there, and I'd meet him out front.
Well, ALL of that turned out to be a mistake. While we were hanging out, he asked me out on a date. Once again forcing me to reject him... something I HATE doing to people, and I feel bad enough about it doing it on Facebook, let alone in person. But when I said no, he tried to play it off like he was only offering to pay because he knows all of my money is tied up in court fees and bullshit right now, and that it wouldn't be an actual date. My saying "no" at that point would make it look like I was saying, "No, I don't even want to hang out with you as a friend." But at the same time, I didn't want to say "yes", either, because I knew that he wasn't being entirely truthful with me and that in his mind it WOULD be a date. So I left him with a "maybe"... and that might have been my biggest mistake, because telling a person with boundary issues "maybe"? You might as well just be telling them, "Yes, and while we're at it, let's get married too!" I just wish I'd known that before, because all of that was yesterday... and today, he acts like we're officially dating. He says things to me that you would ONLY say to someone after a first date, and are interested in seeing again... things like, "I'm already anxious to see you again," (20 minutes after I left) or "I wish you were here right now," or "It would be more fun if you were here." He texts me all day long (hence why I said giving him my number was a huge mistake). He's back to using the pet names on me.
The biggest thing was a few hours ago, when he asked me if I'd like to come over sometime and meet his parents. I haven't responded yet. I decided I needed to get an outside perspective first, because I'm officially in over my head here. Things are worse now than they ever were before, and I feel like anything I say doesn't matter. I'm powerless to stop him from doing it, no matter how blunt I am. It's like he's made up his mind, and nothing is going to change it. I have never dealt with someone that is so disrespectful of other peoples' personal boundaries before, or so damn PUSHY for that matter. Oh, something else I just remembered -- I actually had this SAME problem with him exactly two years ago. That time, the issue was that he had kept asking me for my phone number... like, incessantly... and I said no. Time and time again, he would ask, I would say no, and the cycle would repeat a day later. Until one day he took it upon himself to FIND my phone number on the internet or something somewhere (I'm still unclear as to how he got it), and called me one day out of no where. I'd had it at that point and told him to get lost... and he did... for a while anyway. Now he's back and doing it again.
I know what I SHOULD do is tell him to get lost. I probably should have a long time ago. But here's where things get complicated for me: I have a HUGE weakness for the underdog. I have too much sympathy and compassion for others for, literally, my own good. I mean, look where it's gotten me. This guy, if you haven't already noticed, is socially awkward and has no friends. And I know he has no friends BECAUSE he's socially awkward. And that makes me feel bad. When I hear about how he does nothing, ever, except hang out with his family... I don't know... something about that just tugs at my heartstrings and makes me want to be the one to give that person a chance. I think there might be something slightly... wrong... with him mentally too, if you know what I mean. Like, I think he's slightly mentally handicapped, and that makes me feel even worse in this whole situation. And when you add in the fact that he is a genuinely nice guy... I mean, when he heard about my financial troubles, he offered to pay something off for me (I said no, because then the lines would REALLY be blurred to him, but still to offer was so incredibly nice of him). All these things together make me want to keep giving him a chance to finally "get it". Besides that, like I said he's a nice guy and I really do want to be his friend... but that's it. Just his friend. The problem is, he doesn't understand that and he REFUSES to understand that no matter what I do or say! I don't know if I have the heart to tell him to get lost a second time, but I'm beginning to feel like that's my only option.
Is there any other way? How have you guys successfully dealt with people like this in the past? What am I doing wrong, EXACTLY, so that I can stop doing it? I feel like it's not safe for me to say ANYTHING to him except for the most blandest of things, that it's not safe to ever agree to hang out with him, or respond to his texts even, for fear of him taking it as an invitation... because the way it seems to me is that ANYTHING is an invitation in his mind. The only way it makes sense to me is that, even though I clearly told him the day before what my feelings are, the next day I do or say something different... and just because it's different, to him it means that I've changed my mind entirely. Does that make sense? Someone help.
Thanks...
