Dealing with anger over an addict's behaviour

[AJB75]

I posted here about three months back about my brother who was using synthetic weed and synthetic speed heavily. Got some good advice.

So haven't spoken to him in about 3 months. Last contact was when he came over to my flat (possibly high) after a big fight with his wife. I spent most of the evening trying to get him to seek help and not walk away from his marriage. Difficult evening, he seemed to see sense, then kept winding me up about my own failings (which I'm honest about). Ended up with him trying to leave at 4 in the morning. I said no, just wait, don't go back now, you'll wake your wife up and your child. Also he was in disturbed state. Decided to lock the front door and let him go in the morning around 8am. Maybe that was wrong, but I thought I had no choice.

Since then nothing. Heard from my mum his wife is now 10 weeks pregnant. I've not contacted him, because I'm not sure what do do. Apart from one time he really opened up, each time I've attempted to get him to seek help, just been stonewalled or abuse. There had been some bad stuff, he got arrested, no charge, taken to hospital, been using on several occasions when in sole care of a two year old. Wife had been covering up.

So now, my mum tells me it's all fine. Not sure what to believe. But he's put me through a lot of shit last 3 years and I'm struggling with feelings of anger and resentment. Plus, we've sort of been here before and then after a time he started using again.

Anyway, I know forgiveness and compassion is what you're supposed to do...but I've somehow ended up the bad guy in all this for trying to step in when no one else would.

Interested in others views...

 

[neversickanymore]

Seems like very common addict behavior. People in active addiction will often try and use abuse to manipulate you. Many will also attack the problems of the person confronting them, but this does not end up making sense as another persons problems will never justify continuing theirs.

How did you approach the interaction. Was he sober or all spun when you talked.

Not sure if you looked at this thread when you were here earlier, but it has some good opinions on getting in touch with addicted loved ones.

Support For Those Affected by the Addiction of Others

 

[Tinker55]

ABJ, it's always miserable when a close family member acts out on their addiction. First and foremost, there isn't anything else you can do-if he doesn't acknowledge he's a addict and needs treatment, you won't be able to convince him. If you allow him to take over your life, it won't help. All I can suggest is be there for your SIL and kids if they need help or a place to go.

My story isn't important but I had a spouse with multiple addictions that finally killed him. There was a point when I had to cut myself lose from the situation to preserve my own sanity and life. I strongly suggest you create your own boundaries-he won't notice but it will help you not get so tangled up in his behaviors.

 

[herbavore]

I also think it is common for parents to be in more denial about the situation than siblings. This is an added stress for the siblings.

My advice is to keep your eyes open and be honest about your fears with your parents but don't try to force anyone into a confrontation. Maybe he is genuinely trying to change at this point (knowing another child is on the way)? I have to admit, that sounds doubtful from what you have written, but one can hope.

If at all possible, get some therapy for yourself or attend an al-anon meeting. Getting support for your feelings is important and goes a long way towards healing for the whole family (ideally your parents would seek help as well).