Day three, this sucks

[aliencowstorm]

I freaked out over the 10th step tonight. I realized that I had never actually done it in the way it was intended. I really needed to see a light at the end of the tunnel to make it tonight.

 

[aliencowstorm]

I'm thinking it's time to retire this thread. It's not been day three for some time now and I'm ready to let that fall away. It will always be part of me, but doesn't shape who I am today. Today I am sober and clean. Today I was a fairly decent human being. Today I did the things that were necessary to not need to take a dring or a drug.

We say that we find peace in sobriety, but I'm not sure that's quite true. Yes, we are at peace with ourselves over our addicitons. Yes, we are at peace with the path our life is on. But I'm not sure it's possible to be at peace every day as life isn't going to be punch and pie.

And gues what, that's ok. I want those days where shit sucks. Why? Because I get to deal with that shitty day and do what needs to be done to make things better. For me, that's what recovery is about (right now at least). If I were drunk or high, then I couldn't really do those things.

 

[Swimmingdancer]

alien how are you doing?

You are right, nobody is totally at peace all day every day, that's an unrealistic goal. I think mindfulness is a better goal. We can strive for things like acceptance and gratitude. But I think that "peace with ourselves over our addictions" and "peace with the path our life is on" is what people mean when they say "peace in sobriety". Like it doesn't have to be an endless battle causing distress about the fact that we are not using.

So are you asking that this thread be closed? Or do you want the name changed or something?

 

[aliencowstorm]

alien how are you doing?

You are right, nobody is totally at peace all day every day, that's an unrealistic goal. I think mindfulness is a better goal. We can strive for things like acceptance and gratitude. But I think that "peace with ourselves over our addictions" and "peace with the path our life is on" is what people mean when they say "peace in sobriety". Like it doesn't have to be an endless battle causing distress about the fact that we are not using.

So are you asking that this thread be closed? Or do you want the name changed or something?

I'm actually doing really well. I'm 28 days tomorrow and I'm still going through PAWS every now and then, but outside that I'm just trying to take it easy and keep things simple. I really liked the thought on striving. Actually, I am going to start using that a bit more when I tell myself what the day has in store for me and what I am striving to do.

I do feel quite attached to this thread as it has my first post and from that very moment I knew I was in the right place. Folks like you, Vaya, rx_prn, neversickanymore, Seper and herbavore have really made a difference in my life as well as so many others that are starting this path. I feel so much love out here and SL and TDS have been part of my sobriety and will continue to be.

It's kind of like how I need to go to meetings and how I need to read the big book and how I need to do step work to remain clean. I also need to hit up the SL and TDS forums on a regular basis to help me stay on this path. What little I know of all of you makes me want to be here as I've never really seen this much love and encouragement for others that we don't even know.

I’m way of topic here so I’ll leave it at that. Much love to everyone out there, especially the ones of us that are still suffering. I have found that light at the end of the tunnel and it truly is beautiful.

 

[usedtobe]

I hope you keep this thread open and do not change the name. It offers hope to those of us who are still trying to get clean. I began posting on BL in March, and have made several half assed attempts to get clean. Many of you have offered advice and support, and if i had followed through with anything, I would be free from this wretched heroin. But no, I keep usig, one more day...one more bag...sub taper...cutting down...switching to pills...all that bullshit. And Im still >getn high<. What is the matter with me that i am still using and so many af you have gotten clean and are still clean? Am I weak, stupid, a piece of shit, loser, fuck up, bad mother, liar, just a hopeless fu'king junkie? Because that's what I think. And I am not posting so that people will say...oh no, its a disease, you're an addict, its ok, try again. NO I AM A LOSER AND A WASTE OF A LIFE. No excuses, there is something deep in my soul that is twisted, too twisted to make things better. I feel I am toxic to the world, and it would be a better place without me. God I am really hating myself. I don't know what the point is of my post, but tovsee in black and white the true filth of my soul at this point. God I wish I could get three days so I could say that it sucked.

 

[hangyourhead]

I hope you keep this thread open and do not change the name. It offers hope to those of us who are still trying to get clean. I began posting on BL in March, and have made several half assed attempts to get clean. Many of you have offered advice and support, and if i had followed through with anything, I would be free from this wretched heroin. But no, I keep usig, one more day...one more bag...sub taper...cutting down...switching to pills...all that bullshit. And Im still >getn high<. What is the matter with me that i am still using and so many af you have gotten clean and are still clean? Am I weak, stupid, a piece of shit, loser, fuck up, bad mother, liar, just a hopeless fu'king junkie? Because that's what I think. And I am not posting so that people will say...oh no, its a disease, you're an addict, its ok, try again. NO I AM A LOSER AND A WASTE OF A LIFE. No excuses, there is something deep in my soul that is twisted, too twisted to make things better. I feel I am toxic to the world, and it would be a better place without me. God I am really hating myself. I don't know what the point is of my post, but tovsee in black and white the true filth of my soul at this point. God I wish I could get three days so I could say that it sucked.

I'm in the SAME boat right now