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Day Five or Day Six

atrocious

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 15, 2006
Messages
67
Location
NY
Day Five or Day Six


When you ache in yr bones
And you stare at yr phone
As you sit all alone
All you can do is grumble and moan

So you dial the digits
Doped up with hope,
Around yr neck you feel tightening the rope,
And he doesn’t answer, so you sit back and mope,
You call up the others, and they all say nope,
So you look all around your ways you can cope.
And you know that yr slippin’ a slippery slope
Down a mountain so big that you can’t see it’s scope.
And your knuckles turn white as you reach for the rope,
Nobody can save you, not even the pope,
You climb you climb to the tightest tightrope
And all of the sudden you remember yr horoscope,
That said all of it’s a test.

And you realize this misery is better then death,
And you’ll remember it all when you take that last breath,
And you find comfort in pain ‘cause it’s all the same,
The love that you want is always a shame,
You start to regret the monster became
You hope it’s not another head game,
And you can’t help but smell hellfire and flame,
Let there be light, you hear someone exclaim,
And the universe suddenly comes into frame,
And even though you feel like yr the only one you can blame,
You aren’t alone.

So I’ll call this day five or maybe day six,
You must be alive to feel all the kicks
And you hope you survive your Freudian tricks,
And you hope you thrive instead of quick fix,
And you hope yr revived when you pick up your sticks.
Even if all this jive is just tricks,
You’ll figure out
When you hit
the river Styx..
 
Ah yes, trying to find drugs but failing, more and more with every call.

Dopesick I can't relate to, but failing to find drugs always makes my blood boil.
 
This poem went by like lightning! I love how everything melts into the next, and your amazing rhyming ability, but i feel that it all comes on too fast. My only complaint is that because the rhyming comes on really quick, and all at once, it makes it sound a bit repetitive. It's very stacked with similar sounds hitting the head all at once, and if that's what you were going for then by all means, don't listen to a damn thing im about to say... loved it, don't get me wrong.
Discovering the rhythm of words is a task... try experimenting with an A B A B rhyme scheme, with alternating rhyming words, and i think your pieces, like this one, would flow like water. you can play with the same words, just rearranged to where it doesn't sound as repetitive. if this doesn't make sense im sorry.
nice work ;)
 
It's written loosely in the form of a Bob Dylan song called "Last Thought's on Woody Guthrie". The chaotic and excessive rhyming was modeled a bit on my love for that song. I'm still trying to find the balance between rhyming and free verse.
 
the rhyming in this poem is clever and cute. for me it turned the situation into a positive, even funny scenario. sweet.
 
Heroin/OC

100-200mg of OC a day sometimes more.
I went back on it but I'm withdrawing again.

It's not so bad though. Struggle inspires.
 
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