Day 5 and I feel like I have hit a road block

[Junebaby850]

My boyfriend very last minute went to rehab on Memorial day. We live in NY and this rehab is in Vegas. I was woke up to 'say you love me and give me a kiss goodbye'. I was devistated. We have also each been shooting about a bundle of heroin a day. I knew this needed to happen but I wasn't ready for him to go. On top of my bf of 3 years being ripped away from me, I knew it was time for me to give this up too. I had done 4 bags that day I was trying to prepare myself mentally for the detox and sickness that lay ahead. I've done well. Everyone i know says they are blown away at how I haven't been very sick and that I'm going to work and trying to be a productive functioning adult. I've had some methadone but I have weend myself down to not taking any yesterday. I still feel fine. The problem I've run into is that I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something. I'm not craving the dope, I'm not wanting to use. I just feel like that's what I should be doing. I still have methadone I don't need it but it feels like I should take it cause it's there. And this morning I wake up and I feel like I'm seconds away from crying. I start NA meetings on Monday and I just text a sober friend trying to find support. But I want this feeling to pass. I don't want to relapse. I know in my head I have to do this and I want to do this but I'm really sad this morning. I don't know how to shake it. And I didn't know where else to turn. I know I am missing the bf big time. We've never been a part from each other this long. I want to go take those pills but I know I shouldn't. I wish this feeling would go away. I've been doing so well and now I feel like this could be a bad thing for my recovery i want to feel somewhat happy again. I haven't been able to talk to him yet either. Hoping Monday I'll get that call...

 

[woamotive]

Maybe flush the pills? I feel your pain. My gf and I were trying to stay clean together, I caught a charge, went to county jail, got out and went to see her to find her in the bathroom prepping a shot for her and HER MOTHER. I was devastated and hurt. I left and she didnt come after me. I haven't seen her (other than those brief minutes) for a week. We have a 2yr old. He was asleep.

Its hard in the beginning. Educate yourself on PAWS if you aren't familiar (post acute withdrawal syndrome). Depression is inevitable but joy and hope WILL come. Definitely seek support and sober friends. I am going to a mtng today just to ger shit off my chest and release some emotion. Its okay to cry and to feel. Keep us posted. You can do this. It takes a lot of work... get out of the house, drink lots of water. Dont try to do too much too soon. Your health and wellbeing is priority number one. You can work later. One moment at a time. Give yourself some more credit.

We are here for you. You are never alone.

 

[CcLefty7822]

At some point you need to make the final decision and toss the pills. If you truly want to get clean your just prolonging it. Good luck stay on BL there's a lot of knowledgable people on here to help you through it.

 

[manboychef]

Maybe flush the pills? I feel your pain. My gf and I were trying to stay clean together, I caught a charge, went to county jail, got out and went to see her to find her in the bathroom prepping a shot for her and HER MOTHER. I was devastated and hurt. I left and she didnt come after me. I haven't seen her (other than those brief minutes) for a week. We have a 2yr old. He was asleep.

Its hard in the beginning. Educate yourself on PAWS if you aren't familiar (post acute withdrawal syndrome). Depression is inevitable but joy and hope WILL come. Definitely seek support and sober friends. I am going to a mtng today just to ger shit off my chest and release some emotion. Its okay to cry and to feel. Keep us posted. You can do this. It takes a lot of work... get out of the house, drink lots of water. Dont try to do too much too soon. Your health and wellbeing is priority number one. You can work later. One moment at a time. Give yourself some more credit.

We are here for you. You are never alone.

It is rough but recovery can be very selfish. You made the right choice by leaving. Your recovery comes first my man, and she will get you to relapse faster than you can get her feet out of the fire.

At some point you need to make the final decision and toss the pills. If you truly want to get clean your just prolonging it. Good luck stay on BL there's a lot of knowledgable people on here to help you through it.

This is an excellent piece of advice. The temptation to take them may not be there currently, but during PAWS you may experience incredible urges to use. Do you have access to therapy? NA is good for some, but not for all. Just remember that your recovery is up to you. You may have to make difficult choices on things you may need to change in your life, and NA can be a great resource for learning how to make these changes. Bare in mind though that many people in NA are good and many are bad for your recovery. Stick with the people you feel comfortable with.

If you need any help/support/questions, feel free to ask.

also, It gets better, I promise.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Stay strong! What are your hobbies/exercise you like? Reading and exercise helps a lot for me.

 

[Jabberwocky]

With stuff like losing a partner, whether to something extreme like their death or simply parting ways with the, perminantly or otherwise, one is never ready to let them go. It is like a primal urge, something that we feel deep in the oldest part of our brain, the part that also creates that fight or flight reaction, the part that craves companionship and is ever alert to potential danger. It is a very reactive part of the brain, and it takes a lot of practice to prevent it from leading us to react, to managing it in order for us to act more skillfully than not, in order to avoid making the same mistake over and over again. In active addiction, it is largely this part of our brain that drives us to you, that compulsion and urge to use despite harmful consequences of that use.

One suggestion: You may find the most success in moving on with your life, in the sense of getting yourself healthy and to a place where you feel comfortable with yourself.

In order to accomplish what you clearly want, you are going to have to learn to focus on the here and now. You are going to have to work hard at learning how to live in the present, as opposes to the past or future.

Who knows, your SO may get healthy and move back ro New York and you may have a wonderful future together. However, the reality is that it is just as likely that he will continue to struggle and either you two will drift apart. It is hust as likely that he will come back into your life as a postive, healthy influence as that he will come back into your life as negative, unhealthy influence. Yes, you have had a wonderful relationship in many ways, I am sure, as you are clearly in love. And that is wonderful, you should not deny yourself that insight. However, you are here and he is there, and you will be best of if you do not deny yourself the insight made possible when we learn to live in the present, when we learn to awaken to everyday life.

Nothing would be better for you than to learn the skillfulness of learning the ability to truly let go. To do that you must first learn to awaken in your every day life. You will have to learn how to wash the dishes in the present, mindfully, particing how to pull yourself back into the present moment of washing the dishes when your mind wanders back to your love for you SO or thoughts of the future. You will have to learn how to do the little things in the present, to wake up in lots of small ways.

The good news is that there are so many oppertunities to awaken in daily life. Actually every moment presents us with such an oppertunities, the benefit of challanging yourself to bring yourself back into the present rather than drifting off into future or past daydreams, thinking or planning

Look into Refuge Recovery and Against the Stream in NY. I am not sure if there are meetings out there, but I imagine there are. You will meet some amazing, wise people who are likewise working hard and waking up to live in the present as a means to overcome their addiction(s). Moreso in my experience than 12 Step groups, but I did have a lot if bad experiences with 12 Step groups. I just find the structure and atmosphere in Refuge and ATS meetings to be much more conducive and organized towards dealing with out practical, everyday issues, as well as recovery in general.

Good luck OP! You can do this. You have a lot of challanges and hard work ahead of you, but if you put in the effort and just try instead of giving up, trying in whatever ways work for you, big or small, and one day there is no doubt you will accomplish your goals and get where you want to in life, to a better place than you could actually imagine right now. Keep you head up. What you have ahead is almost certainly not as hard as you might imagine. And on top of that, you are also stronger than you know.