It's been days since I wrote last, and I feel really bad about it. I really wanted to write something every day...even if it's just a single line or two...but I haven't carved the time out of my not so busy days.
It's been 37 days since I jumped on maintenance and 21 days since I leveled out at 70mg. Some days I really want to go up again, just to catch that buzz, but I won't let myself. There are a few reasons why I want to keep myself at 70mg...some of those reasons are healthy reasons and some are not healthy.
* Staying at 70mg*
~What goes up must come down: the more I go up the more I have to work to get off methadone when the time comes.
~At 70mg I can still get high if/when I chase the dragon (this is one of the not so healthy ones) but not enough to want to keep doing it. So if I buy a few points, I can smoke and not fiend for it right after.
~I can't get high off my meds anymore-unless I do a CWE on a HUGE amount of pills, which I'm just not willing to do.
~I'm hoping that I can still get a boost off my methadone since I'm not at a high amount, but I might be just a little too high-I am actually thinking about trying to go down to 65mg or even 60mg. I'm not sure yet.
~I don't have too many cravings at 70mg. I mean, I do every once in a while, but they are pretty manageable, especially since I know that it would take too many pills to get high, and smoking heroin, while it can get me a bit higher, doesn't do the same as it use to.
Now that I have stabilized at 70mg I am having some self doubt I have to deal with. I am doubting that I did the right thing. You see, I'm not an abstinence type of gal. I enjoy altered states of consciousness. Or to put it bluntly-I like getting high! I love psychedelics, but only use those on special occasions. I love empathogens as well, but again those are more of a once in a while thing. Alcohol played a huge role in my life but now that I get tested for it each and every morning before I dose, I either have to become a day drinker (which is pretty much out of the question due to me having kids and I don't really want to get drunk during the day) or rarely drink at all. Cocaine can be great!! If it's real coke...BUT for almost all of these substances, I really enjoy opiates for the come down. I miss the warmth. I miss the coziness. I miss the glow... Now I'm left with being super tired by noon each day if I sit down for longer than ten minutes. I get up at 6am to go dose, come home and get the girls ready for school and do all my household chores and I'm done by noon! Super happy that I am very productive now and I have time to read, or write, work on my marketing for my business, but any time I sit down to do that I just about fall asleep at my computer! It's not that I'm high, at all...it's just that I'm REALLY tired
Then I have to figure out how to NOT fall asleep, but by doing that I become really irritable and just kind of pissy. My boyfriend smokes pot all day, and I join in AFTER the girls go to bed, because if I smoke during the day I stuff my face with junk food (mainly candy) all day and become even MORE tired! I don't know how he does it without being grumpy, but he does. It pisses me off that he's high all day because he eats us out of house and home! Especially any of the sweet treats that I've bought for the month. And when he is eating, he's doing it AS I'm cooking dinner! Ugh. Pisses me off so much! When he does it, the girls are watching him and they are asking why they can't eat the ice cream/cookie/cake/doughnut/______________. It's infuriating!
Why is it SO infuriating? Because I moved out in April with our girls into my own apartment, where I was able to set certain rules that I thought were important (eg., no tv on during the day, no sweets before dinner, veggies and fruits for snacks instead of chips and candy, etc etc etc) for the girls and since he's moved in it's becoming harder and harder to have him abide by the rules--making it more difficult for me to enforce those rules for our girls. When he first moved in, he respected my boundaries/rules with no problems. The longer he's here though, the easier it is for him to believe this is OUR apartment and thinks he can break my rules....like I'll leave to go interview with a potential client and when I come he's got Dr. Phil on, while he's on the couch with his pot pipe in his hand...shit now I'm just rambling.
I don't want to just write about what he's doing that pisses me off, because I do love him. And he is TRYING to do better this time around, he is. No one is perfect, not me, not him, not our daughters, no one. So right now, even though I may vent, I don't want him out of my life. I do love him. I just need to vent in my journal so I don't go crazy on him. Once I write things out, I can better talk to him about it, which means we can work towards fixing our problems. That's what we need to do.
If I'm not feeling my dose at all, then maybe it's already time to start tapering down? I mean, fuck...maybe I'm not ready to be on mmt. Maybe I'm not sure if I want to be sober.
Of course a part of me wants to be sober..and I think that is what I'll write about in my next entry.
It's been 37 days since I jumped on maintenance and 21 days since I leveled out at 70mg. Some days I really want to go up again, just to catch that buzz, but I won't let myself. There are a few reasons why I want to keep myself at 70mg...some of those reasons are healthy reasons and some are not healthy.
* Staying at 70mg*
~What goes up must come down: the more I go up the more I have to work to get off methadone when the time comes.
~At 70mg I can still get high if/when I chase the dragon (this is one of the not so healthy ones) but not enough to want to keep doing it. So if I buy a few points, I can smoke and not fiend for it right after.
~I can't get high off my meds anymore-unless I do a CWE on a HUGE amount of pills, which I'm just not willing to do.
~I'm hoping that I can still get a boost off my methadone since I'm not at a high amount, but I might be just a little too high-I am actually thinking about trying to go down to 65mg or even 60mg. I'm not sure yet.
~I don't have too many cravings at 70mg. I mean, I do every once in a while, but they are pretty manageable, especially since I know that it would take too many pills to get high, and smoking heroin, while it can get me a bit higher, doesn't do the same as it use to.
Now that I have stabilized at 70mg I am having some self doubt I have to deal with. I am doubting that I did the right thing. You see, I'm not an abstinence type of gal. I enjoy altered states of consciousness. Or to put it bluntly-I like getting high! I love psychedelics, but only use those on special occasions. I love empathogens as well, but again those are more of a once in a while thing. Alcohol played a huge role in my life but now that I get tested for it each and every morning before I dose, I either have to become a day drinker (which is pretty much out of the question due to me having kids and I don't really want to get drunk during the day) or rarely drink at all. Cocaine can be great!! If it's real coke...BUT for almost all of these substances, I really enjoy opiates for the come down. I miss the warmth. I miss the coziness. I miss the glow... Now I'm left with being super tired by noon each day if I sit down for longer than ten minutes. I get up at 6am to go dose, come home and get the girls ready for school and do all my household chores and I'm done by noon! Super happy that I am very productive now and I have time to read, or write, work on my marketing for my business, but any time I sit down to do that I just about fall asleep at my computer! It's not that I'm high, at all...it's just that I'm REALLY tired
Then I have to figure out how to NOT fall asleep, but by doing that I become really irritable and just kind of pissy. My boyfriend smokes pot all day, and I join in AFTER the girls go to bed, because if I smoke during the day I stuff my face with junk food (mainly candy) all day and become even MORE tired! I don't know how he does it without being grumpy, but he does. It pisses me off that he's high all day because he eats us out of house and home! Especially any of the sweet treats that I've bought for the month. And when he is eating, he's doing it AS I'm cooking dinner! Ugh. Pisses me off so much! When he does it, the girls are watching him and they are asking why they can't eat the ice cream/cookie/cake/doughnut/______________. It's infuriating!Why is it SO infuriating? Because I moved out in April with our girls into my own apartment, where I was able to set certain rules that I thought were important (eg., no tv on during the day, no sweets before dinner, veggies and fruits for snacks instead of chips and candy, etc etc etc) for the girls and since he's moved in it's becoming harder and harder to have him abide by the rules--making it more difficult for me to enforce those rules for our girls. When he first moved in, he respected my boundaries/rules with no problems. The longer he's here though, the easier it is for him to believe this is OUR apartment and thinks he can break my rules....like I'll leave to go interview with a potential client and when I come he's got Dr. Phil on, while he's on the couch with his pot pipe in his hand...shit now I'm just rambling.
I don't want to just write about what he's doing that pisses me off, because I do love him. And he is TRYING to do better this time around, he is. No one is perfect, not me, not him, not our daughters, no one. So right now, even though I may vent, I don't want him out of my life. I do love him. I just need to vent in my journal so I don't go crazy on him. Once I write things out, I can better talk to him about it, which means we can work towards fixing our problems. That's what we need to do.
If I'm not feeling my dose at all, then maybe it's already time to start tapering down? I mean, fuck...maybe I'm not ready to be on mmt. Maybe I'm not sure if I want to be sober.
Of course a part of me wants to be sober..and I think that is what I'll write about in my next entry.