I slept last night. I didn't sleep the whole night, and it was a little patchy, but I slept, because I remember dreaming. And the restless legs abated massively.
In some ways this time has been easier than the last few times I've tried - I don't know if it's because I've been blogging it on here, or have done the mental preparation better, or its the kanna I've been chewing which has kept the depression away, or the fact I've kept myself pretty physically fit in the last couple of months, or the experience and knowledge that previous experiences have given me, or maybe it's a combination of it all.
I'm sitting here with the London marathon on the TV and I suddenly want to go for a run. Maybe I will. Get some endorphins going. I haven't run since last Sunday. Fuck it, I'm going to go for a run, a little later.
14:51
Fuck me I did it. I got my running gear on and went out into the sunshine. I set off, and felt utterly weird at first. The last time I ran was last Sunday, a week ago, and that was with the night before's kratom still in my system...
At 2 kilometres I started feeling pain in my hips and back and thought oh shit, I'm getting injured, but figured it may just be a withdrawal thing.. sure enough as I continued and crested a hill and some endorphins fired the pain went away and I settled into a rhythm, enjoying the sun on my face and the sweat in my eyes.
I got to 5k and just had this crazy notion of running 10k, which I haven't run in a year, ever since the injury which started me off on this year's codeine and kratom slide... I started to find this inner determination and thought fuck it, I can fucking DO THIS. I am a tough motherfucker and can take whatever life throws at me without drugs of any kind. I was hurting, but I just carried on pushing through, and it was crazy and surreal at times but I made the 6.2 miles and when I stopped I felt this rush of joy, endorphins and accomplishment I guess.
I've been running while on kratom, but as with sex, kratom seems to have really dulled the performance - I've always had to time my runs so they don't coincide with the first stages of withdrawal symptoms, but that hasn't always been avoidable and has probably hampered the running. I've also hit the kratom as a kind of reward after running and it's always felt like cheating somehow, but today I finished, and although I felt a wistful feeling of a kind, just the endorphins was enough.
I don't hate the kratom, the codeine, the oxy, or anything else I've taken - in a way they helped me get through some shitty times, and took the pain away when I needed it - but of course then a habit forms and like I've said, the time for that habit to stop has come.
Am feeling pretty tired now. But good. And that good feeling is a clean one...
23:36
Coming up to the 3 day mark now. Made chilli with bird's eye chillies - ended up sweating and with an endorphin rush for the second time in a day. Chatted with my girl and felt more spontaneous and "me". Just got to keep going now and avoid those silly "see how easy it is, now I can just treat myself to x, y or z at weekends" thoughts...![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
In some ways this time has been easier than the last few times I've tried - I don't know if it's because I've been blogging it on here, or have done the mental preparation better, or its the kanna I've been chewing which has kept the depression away, or the fact I've kept myself pretty physically fit in the last couple of months, or the experience and knowledge that previous experiences have given me, or maybe it's a combination of it all.
I'm sitting here with the London marathon on the TV and I suddenly want to go for a run. Maybe I will. Get some endorphins going. I haven't run since last Sunday. Fuck it, I'm going to go for a run, a little later.
14:51
Fuck me I did it. I got my running gear on and went out into the sunshine. I set off, and felt utterly weird at first. The last time I ran was last Sunday, a week ago, and that was with the night before's kratom still in my system...
At 2 kilometres I started feeling pain in my hips and back and thought oh shit, I'm getting injured, but figured it may just be a withdrawal thing.. sure enough as I continued and crested a hill and some endorphins fired the pain went away and I settled into a rhythm, enjoying the sun on my face and the sweat in my eyes.
I got to 5k and just had this crazy notion of running 10k, which I haven't run in a year, ever since the injury which started me off on this year's codeine and kratom slide... I started to find this inner determination and thought fuck it, I can fucking DO THIS. I am a tough motherfucker and can take whatever life throws at me without drugs of any kind. I was hurting, but I just carried on pushing through, and it was crazy and surreal at times but I made the 6.2 miles and when I stopped I felt this rush of joy, endorphins and accomplishment I guess.
I've been running while on kratom, but as with sex, kratom seems to have really dulled the performance - I've always had to time my runs so they don't coincide with the first stages of withdrawal symptoms, but that hasn't always been avoidable and has probably hampered the running. I've also hit the kratom as a kind of reward after running and it's always felt like cheating somehow, but today I finished, and although I felt a wistful feeling of a kind, just the endorphins was enough.
I don't hate the kratom, the codeine, the oxy, or anything else I've taken - in a way they helped me get through some shitty times, and took the pain away when I needed it - but of course then a habit forms and like I've said, the time for that habit to stop has come.
Am feeling pretty tired now. But good. And that good feeling is a clean one...
23:36
Coming up to the 3 day mark now. Made chilli with bird's eye chillies - ended up sweating and with an endorphin rush for the second time in a day. Chatted with my girl and felt more spontaneous and "me". Just got to keep going now and avoid those silly "see how easy it is, now I can just treat myself to x, y or z at weekends" thoughts...
