I have lagged on writing these last few days. The last time I posted was day 17...I am pretty sure I had written a post for day 19 but it was so long that BL didn't post it so I had copy and pasted it into a word doc, meaning to come back and edit it to fit here, but I never got around to it. I think it was filled with anger at my boyfriend but once I wrote it all out, the anger faded away and I'll probably just leave it as a word doc, as there is much to write about without going back to being angry.
So where to start? Last Friday I started my new job at a crappy pizza joint. I worked 4.5 hours on a Friday night and not ONE customer came in...not one. So I am currently still searching for another job. We paid the babysitter about what I made in my hourly, so this job just isn't really worth it.
Saturday night I went out to meet a friend for a night of drinking at our favorite dive bar. Since I get tested each and every morning for alcohol (via breathalyzer) I've been pretty paranoid about coming up dirty so I decided I wouldn't drink unless it was Saturday (clinic is closed on Sunday-automatic take home). Well...after what happened Saturday night, I don't think I'll be drinking like that for a long long time.
I do the family pizza and movie night with my kids and boyfriend, put the kids to bed and get ready to head out. I grab a tall boy of pbr for the walk in the pouring down rain and put my funky rain boots on and begin my walk (stomping in massive puddles the whole way). Meet up with my friend, grab another beer for the walk to the bar and then hang at the bar. I didn't come out with more than five bucks and I know my friends didn't buy my that many drinks, but I did get drunk. I swear I didn't have more than I usually drink (maybe 6-7 beers total and 2-3 shots of whiskey over a few hours) but I got TRASHED. I woke up the next morning in bed, with a nasty hangover and didn't remember even going to sleep. Didn't remember leaving the bar. Didn't remember anything that happened. I don't black out often, and I ate a TON before going out. I think it was the methadone in my system that caused the alcohol to effect me like it did.
Well, after waking up and walking out of my room to pee and then walking straight back to my bed to get under the covers again (Sunday is my only day I sleep in) my boyfriend walks in my room and tells me he's leaving for a while. He looks really depressed. I say ok....is everything ok? And he says that after what happened last night he needs to leave. I again say ok. He replies, "do you not remember what happened last night" and I say nope! What happened?
I guess I called him someone else's name during sex a few times last night, and I also kept saying "I love you Matt" (my boyfriends name is NOT Matt) and my boyfriend was pretty hurt by that. I got kinda pissed off that he was so hurt (as I have never been romantically involved with my friend Matt, EVER, and NEVER have wanted to be AT ALL) especially since I have caught him lying to me about two women that he's seen behind my back before and I had to confront him about it and feelings were actually there between them, and I was expected to forgive him. But I was also still kinda drunk, kinda dehydrated and REALLY hungover. I tried chugging water, and then drank my dose, and then proceeded to throw up my dose. At that point I was super upset because I knew that I was in for it that day. I couldn't replace my methadone, and being on 70mg I knew I was in for a day/night of being sick until I could get to the clinic Monday morning.
I try to tell him that I must have been really really fucked up last night, that I don't remember anything, and that I was so drunk that I just threw up my dose. I said that my brain must have NOT been functioning well because really this guy I kept calling him was ONLY a friend and that was it. Seriously!
I was sick all day, for the most part. I had my bottle of percocets that I was trying NOT to take, since I am on MMT, but since I threw up my dose I knew I had to take something to hold w/d at bay, so I grab 7 of them and swallow them. Not even 3 minutes later they come back up too. Along with any water I drink. So as time went by, I became sicker and sicker. I spent most of the day curled up in a ball on my bed, running to the bathroom vomiting every so often. It got so bad that whenever I went to vomit it felt like I was reaching down into the depths of my stomach and throwing up stomach bile or acid. Ugh.
I felt horrible because my boyfriend did leave for a while and my kids needed me, but I couldn't freaking move. I usually don't allow them to watch more than an hour or two of tv a day (sometimes not even that much) but that day I had to cave and let them be little couch potatoes. Luckily for me my oldest is a doll and really really helped me out with my youngest, and they are both very empathetic people and were trying to take care of me as well. But I messaged my boyfriend and told him that I threw up my dose and I was dope sick and the kids really needed a parent around that wasn't sick. IT wasn't fair to them that I made such a bad decision.
He did end up coming home and picking up ALL My slack, which I am very grateful for. I also managed to nibble on a few pretzels SLOWLY and sip on some water SLOWLY, which calmed my stomach just enough for me to swallow one perk at a time, allowing me to finally get 50mg of oxy in my system, which eventually halted a little bit of my w/d.
I slept on and off, shaking in my bed on and off, until 5am (ish) when I grabbed 50mg more of oxy so when I saw my counselor at the clinic for our monthly meeting at 7am I wouldn't be in severe w/d.
I dosed at 7am and met with my counselor and then came back home to get the girls ready for the day and to eventually talk with my boyfriend.
After apologizing over and over again, and swearing up and down that there was NOTHING between my friend and I and there never has been, he forgave me. I told him I was so sorry I hurt him so much because of my bad choice to drink like that. That my brain was just malfunctioning. I told him that I know he probably doesn't believe me when I say that there was NOTHING between us and that's another reason why I felt so bad, is that I hurt him so much when really there was nothing to be hurt about, just my brain not working.
I told him I wasn't going to be going out like that anymore, because not only did I hurt him, but I could have hurt myself. I could have not woken up. I didn't realize how dangerous it was to drink on that much methadone. But I don't plan on doing it again.
Well, I kept waiting for my dose on Monday to hit me, because I was still feeling like crap. I almost threw up an hour after taking it, well I did throw up a bit, but I held most of it back, and only a tiny bit of vomit escaped my stomach.
I thought that because I (unintentionally) skipped my dose Sunday, that my Monday dose would hit me hard.
It never kicked it! I felt like crap all day, in mild w/d and it was super hard to fall asleep and RLS started up at night too. I'm not sure what the fuck happened, but my Monday dose didn't take effect.
Crap, time is up for me to write even though I have so much more I want to write. I have to get ready to head into this crap job of mine. I want to quit so fucking bad, and I had an interview for a great job, right around the corner from my house at a new restaurant opening up in ten days, today but I won't know if I got the job for another day or so. So the responsible part of me says to keep going to this crap job, even though NO customers come in.
So where to start? Last Friday I started my new job at a crappy pizza joint. I worked 4.5 hours on a Friday night and not ONE customer came in...not one. So I am currently still searching for another job. We paid the babysitter about what I made in my hourly, so this job just isn't really worth it.
Saturday night I went out to meet a friend for a night of drinking at our favorite dive bar. Since I get tested each and every morning for alcohol (via breathalyzer) I've been pretty paranoid about coming up dirty so I decided I wouldn't drink unless it was Saturday (clinic is closed on Sunday-automatic take home). Well...after what happened Saturday night, I don't think I'll be drinking like that for a long long time.
I do the family pizza and movie night with my kids and boyfriend, put the kids to bed and get ready to head out. I grab a tall boy of pbr for the walk in the pouring down rain and put my funky rain boots on and begin my walk (stomping in massive puddles the whole way). Meet up with my friend, grab another beer for the walk to the bar and then hang at the bar. I didn't come out with more than five bucks and I know my friends didn't buy my that many drinks, but I did get drunk. I swear I didn't have more than I usually drink (maybe 6-7 beers total and 2-3 shots of whiskey over a few hours) but I got TRASHED. I woke up the next morning in bed, with a nasty hangover and didn't remember even going to sleep. Didn't remember leaving the bar. Didn't remember anything that happened. I don't black out often, and I ate a TON before going out. I think it was the methadone in my system that caused the alcohol to effect me like it did.
Well, after waking up and walking out of my room to pee and then walking straight back to my bed to get under the covers again (Sunday is my only day I sleep in) my boyfriend walks in my room and tells me he's leaving for a while. He looks really depressed. I say ok....is everything ok? And he says that after what happened last night he needs to leave. I again say ok. He replies, "do you not remember what happened last night" and I say nope! What happened?
I guess I called him someone else's name during sex a few times last night, and I also kept saying "I love you Matt" (my boyfriends name is NOT Matt) and my boyfriend was pretty hurt by that. I got kinda pissed off that he was so hurt (as I have never been romantically involved with my friend Matt, EVER, and NEVER have wanted to be AT ALL) especially since I have caught him lying to me about two women that he's seen behind my back before and I had to confront him about it and feelings were actually there between them, and I was expected to forgive him. But I was also still kinda drunk, kinda dehydrated and REALLY hungover. I tried chugging water, and then drank my dose, and then proceeded to throw up my dose. At that point I was super upset because I knew that I was in for it that day. I couldn't replace my methadone, and being on 70mg I knew I was in for a day/night of being sick until I could get to the clinic Monday morning.
I try to tell him that I must have been really really fucked up last night, that I don't remember anything, and that I was so drunk that I just threw up my dose. I said that my brain must have NOT been functioning well because really this guy I kept calling him was ONLY a friend and that was it. Seriously!
I was sick all day, for the most part. I had my bottle of percocets that I was trying NOT to take, since I am on MMT, but since I threw up my dose I knew I had to take something to hold w/d at bay, so I grab 7 of them and swallow them. Not even 3 minutes later they come back up too. Along with any water I drink. So as time went by, I became sicker and sicker. I spent most of the day curled up in a ball on my bed, running to the bathroom vomiting every so often. It got so bad that whenever I went to vomit it felt like I was reaching down into the depths of my stomach and throwing up stomach bile or acid. Ugh.
I felt horrible because my boyfriend did leave for a while and my kids needed me, but I couldn't freaking move. I usually don't allow them to watch more than an hour or two of tv a day (sometimes not even that much) but that day I had to cave and let them be little couch potatoes. Luckily for me my oldest is a doll and really really helped me out with my youngest, and they are both very empathetic people and were trying to take care of me as well. But I messaged my boyfriend and told him that I threw up my dose and I was dope sick and the kids really needed a parent around that wasn't sick. IT wasn't fair to them that I made such a bad decision.
He did end up coming home and picking up ALL My slack, which I am very grateful for. I also managed to nibble on a few pretzels SLOWLY and sip on some water SLOWLY, which calmed my stomach just enough for me to swallow one perk at a time, allowing me to finally get 50mg of oxy in my system, which eventually halted a little bit of my w/d.
I slept on and off, shaking in my bed on and off, until 5am (ish) when I grabbed 50mg more of oxy so when I saw my counselor at the clinic for our monthly meeting at 7am I wouldn't be in severe w/d.
I dosed at 7am and met with my counselor and then came back home to get the girls ready for the day and to eventually talk with my boyfriend.
After apologizing over and over again, and swearing up and down that there was NOTHING between my friend and I and there never has been, he forgave me. I told him I was so sorry I hurt him so much because of my bad choice to drink like that. That my brain was just malfunctioning. I told him that I know he probably doesn't believe me when I say that there was NOTHING between us and that's another reason why I felt so bad, is that I hurt him so much when really there was nothing to be hurt about, just my brain not working.
I told him I wasn't going to be going out like that anymore, because not only did I hurt him, but I could have hurt myself. I could have not woken up. I didn't realize how dangerous it was to drink on that much methadone. But I don't plan on doing it again.
Well, I kept waiting for my dose on Monday to hit me, because I was still feeling like crap. I almost threw up an hour after taking it, well I did throw up a bit, but I held most of it back, and only a tiny bit of vomit escaped my stomach.
I thought that because I (unintentionally) skipped my dose Sunday, that my Monday dose would hit me hard.
It never kicked it! I felt like crap all day, in mild w/d and it was super hard to fall asleep and RLS started up at night too. I'm not sure what the fuck happened, but my Monday dose didn't take effect.
Crap, time is up for me to write even though I have so much more I want to write. I have to get ready to head into this crap job of mine. I want to quit so fucking bad, and I had an interview for a great job, right around the corner from my house at a new restaurant opening up in ten days, today but I won't know if I got the job for another day or so. So the responsible part of me says to keep going to this crap job, even though NO customers come in.