• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: streaM Freak

day 2 i feel like shit

gypsiejunkie

gypsiejunkie

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 17, 2013
Messages
122
Location
Topeka ks
Day 2 of no opiates, even though i feel like thats cheating because i did do a wash yesterday and still shot up an ambien like an idiot...so day 1??? Still, this is the first time since may ive tried to make the decision to quit. I feel like shit and completely hopeless. Im not ready for all these stupid thoughts to come back. Instead of spending all day trying to get my shit and get back home i have to sit around all day with my decisions of the last year rambling around in my head. i have no car otherwise i think i could keep myself busy enough to be ok but i live in a small town 30 minutes away from town. This is just so familiar and suicidal thought creep back into my head. Anxiety is insane depression. lethargic. I do have ideas of things i want to do with my life but it pretty much probably is impossible. I have ruined my marriage and im not welcome at my sisters (more because of her husband but whatever) i feel like a failure in every way. More than that though ive felt this way for as long as i can remember. i dont know how to change my thought patterns and my actions. This is NOT something that will fade away as long as I stay sober and fight the addiction blah blah blah. this is what i was running from. i hate my brain. I dont knpw where i found the motovation to try and quit besides not having enough money and my kids. but i doubt my kids love having a chronically depressed anxiety ridden mother either. im a more pleasant person high. This fucking bloooows
 
wooO slow down gypsie.. .. or try to slow down these thoughts, i know it can be hard. but please try to not be so dang hard on yourself right now. you are dealing with such a major personal transition from physical to mental in just stopping taking opiates let alone with all these other personal aspects you have mentioned. try to just make or set little obtainable goals instead of beating yourself up with all these big would of, should of, could of.. . they are just going to keep you from moving in dealing with addressing the important small steps to reach those bigger ones. take some deep breaths and try to focus on the next minutes and build on them to the next hours you can do it!!

what has your current opiate use been like; amount, type and for how long? what ever happened to going to the methadone clinic? or are you just really wanting to kick with no maintenance program.. . it might not be a bad idea to talk with the clinic as it seems like you have so many heavy personal things you are addressing right now. i totally know how that can be with opiate dependency right in the middle... very tough for sure, almost like a distant dream. the clinic could also help you with counseling, group sessions, most likely some anti-d's and building positive structure. are there any NA/AA meetings in your area?? SMART recovery has really great online meetings that take place everyday at many different times.

try to find positive things to focus on right now.. .. like how much you love your kids and how you are/will continue to be a wonderful mother!! you can make it through this just need to start to form a plan that works best for you and your life!! <3
 
Last edited:
gypsie<3 just stay focused on today.. try mindfulness if you start to think about yesterday you will get hit with guilt, anger, shame, etc.. if you start to think about tomorrow you will get hit with fear, and self doubt and anxiety.. just stay in the moment until you are able to heal yourself from all the wounds..

>Post Your Best Mindfulness Resources and Experiences<..

You can do this and in a little while you could find yourself in a place you thought you'd never be.. at peace and happy:)
 
just stay focused on the present moment. I know what you are going through is incredibly hard but you can definitely do it!! Have warm baths, sleep, masterbate, watch movies and tv, try to eat and drink lots of fluids to flush your system (as long as you don't have nausea), take immodium to battle the diarrhoea, clonidine for the shakes and twitches, valium or another benzo for sleep, and just stay in there the battle is mainly mental if you can mentally over come it you'll be straight!! Good luck stick in there
 
Thanks guys..yes it is mainly mental now...the only real problem im having now is sleeping. fucking restless legs and anxiety like a mother fucker. Panic attacks all day long etc...i havent been doing much since the end of july because my free supply vanished. I decided not to dobthe methadone clinic since like i said the physical addiction hasnt been too bad since then....i figured itd add to my problems. I went to a meeting today which was pretty awesome! Especially since i texted my dude today and luckily he didnt answer but after i got out of the meeting i was like yea! Fuck that! Ha. going to another meeting tomorrow. Man, now i just dont know what to do about this inpatient thats hanging over my head. im starting to get in the right mindset and i dont really want to go anymore. i dont want to leave my family.....BUT when i got sober in march i did the same thing. i thought i could handle everything and within 3 or 4 weeks fucked around and within 2 months i was full blown back into it. i do not want to do that!!! The only time i do feel like going to this rehab is when my life is in absolute turmoil and i literally feel like its life or death...which has been about every other week haha but seriously i just dont know. i have a ton of life issues i know i could really get some help on and 6 months of solid sobriety would be i mean...amazing. but...i dont want to leave my kids. opinions?? Doing good today 3 days!!!(ish maybe 2 haha definately 2!)
 
Actually its pretty awesome i already feel so much better. At the end of July i couldnt find SHIT for like a week and detoxed everything out of my system. it was fucking hell. but right when i was starting to feel normal i found a new connect. All through august ive been buying large quantities when i get paid and blowing through them in like 2 or 3 days and then scraping enough money up for like a shot a day or so until i get paid. i expected the withdrawals to be way worse but i guess all the shit in July wasnt for nothing! No where near as bad as then. of course this is also stupid cause in my head that means i wasnt doing that bad so why stop. God im dumb. shooting up is bad shooting up is bad. Seriously i keep having to explain to myself/have other people explain why i should stop. I guess its denial? I just really dont understand how one day i feel so desperate and low and KNOW without any doubt i NEED to stop and the next day im all eh..im not that bad off no big deal....what the fuck!!!
 
dude, you NEED HELP! physically addicted or not, you are SHOOTING.. and mentally addicted so it seems, so get help. also, not sure, but you seem to be physically addicted as well if all you are saying is true. Try Subboxone or Vivitrol rather than Methadone. Go to a Dr. and join a program. You need help, man. You have a family to take care of and see.. so get it done. I was on the same path as you and have put together some Sobriety and have truly changed my thoughts. Not for long now but I feel like a different person.. and its Subox I have to thank.
 
Its a hard luck life gypsie<3.. what do you get out of using still.. I mean why do you want to do it still. yeah we can put every reason to stop in our heads and it usually doesn't have that much or a permanent effect.. so id be interested why you still think using is a good thing.. were almost all junkies here so lets here the straight dope if you want to share cause I bet we'll get it and no fuckn judging from me at least. I'm glad you feel better for the moment:D
 
Haha well it seems i spoke too soon...best dat ive had in a long time but worst night ive had in a long time....no sleep for me :( anyway...i dont know what im getting out of it i really dont. i know that the consequences and problems have not been even close to what they were when i quit the first time. I think thats why it is so hard this time is because i have been so functional and i dont really know how that is either??? Well actually i do and this may make things a lot easier. i dont pay rent and i have food stamps. this - literally - just occured to me. back in the day i was ob heroin and dilaudid blah blah and working a shitty gas station full time job and trying to come up with rent every month which i decided to actually NOT pay because i was buying drugs! Then i got the job im at where i work at home have free food and dont have my boss here etc...so yea its been pretty easy to keep shit together...well problem solved! Actually not drug related im leaving this job so moving out of my house a week from friday and moving in with my parents. Ok ok shits coming together. yea i dont have any choices here ive just had it easy. Even with a free house and food though my lifes been unmanigable. jesus do i sound like a crazy person?! I cant sleep and having weird revelations....
 
yes, always a good idea. helps the most. ive been through 6 months programs before and did great after that. if you have that type of freedom and time then get in a program. if not, then get on something to kick this habit. its all based on what you want to do.
 
Yea..figure i probably should go for it. My history doesnt point to me succeeding in sobriety by myself. im just a fucking trainwreck since day 1. I might feel ok for a week or a month but yea....thanks for the responses.
 
Going to meetings is what will help you deal with the "stupid thoughts" you mentioned. Being able to share those thoughts with people who understand and have good advice, who have been through it themselves, is an invaluable tool in staying sober so I hope you give it a shot!

Hang in there. Proper diet and exercise, acupuncture, meditation, meetings, and hanging out solely with others that are sober/in recovery. That's how I stay sober anyway!

Hang in there. :)
 
Well shit, i sound like a big fat whiner! Sorry haha. The same shit. has been runnin through my head for a year...i know its not long compared to some but fuck! A year of my life...its just so worthless. I really need some effective mental help
 
hey gypsie.. .. sounds like you are having some really good thoughts on where you are at and how your mind spun you their. it is totally not a worthless year, a hard year yeah but look at how you are realizing parts of your life that helped feed and facilitate your addiction. really powerful stuff to help you advance with your life in a direction you desire!

i was a "functional" addict for years running my own business in a field where drug use was widely accepted. i would not only justify my use to myself but the people that were closest to me... shit i was a reaLLy good manipulator!! sooo many of us addicts are, kind of part of the game it spirals into. it was also to a point justified by doctors that i had physical damage that i had been self medicating for and of course anxiety and depression that were linked to it. i had a very hard time in breaking free from use or letting my self think i was clean because i had a script.. fucking ridiculous! needed to learn to live with in boundaries of realistic expectations in managing my situations. it really took a toll on my work, friends, family and most of all "true" connection to my heart/soul. strange as we will find our selves thinking that connection is there in the peak of our addictions... . it's that we have just become so disattached and allowing the "relief" we think we are finding in our DOC's become the strongest tie over truly growing and evolving as individuals. a complete and utter pause.

it seems like moving in with your family could be a very nice support for you. are you able to talk with them openly and honestly about your addictions/feeling/thoughts? identifying underlying issues and admitting you need "professional" help is huge, it was for me! i am sure you can do a local search and get a really good list of different mental health/clinical therapist in your area. they typically work with you gp and if you do not have one they will with out a doubt help you with that.

keep going to meetings!! look at how much they have already gave you... . some people that find them selves right where you are at and can not afford the moneys or time to go to a in patient rehab will do 90 meeting in 90 days. sound intense right!! but it can really help! making it through the first three months is big, making it that far will only greater your success to look onto six months! you can do this gypsie you have soooo much to do it for!!<3
 
I am seriously considering this inpatient rehab, its free and the older i get the harder it would be for me to go. This place deals with addiction, sexual trauma, eating disorders, and self harm all of which i struggle with. Movong in with the fam is not a great situation also...i have 5 little siblings still at home and my parents are very judgemental for some reason. My dads a "recovering" meth addict. i put that in quotes because he just quit smoking meth and hasnt really done shit since. My mom is flat out fucking crazy and anytime ive lived with them, growing up even, ive been treated like a burden. I am feeling pretty ok about giving this a shot by myself though until the rehab thing comes through :) thanks!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top