I had to talk to my counselor today before I was allowed to dose. Last Tuesday morning I had to pee in a cup (at least I'm not watched!) and failed for alcohol that I drank last Monday after work. Got the lecture about how alcohol and benzos are big no no's at the clinic and how I could die if I mixed methadone and alcohol and all that jazz. Ugh...I don't know how I feel about not being able to drink...at all! I mean, at night, when the cravings get real bad, I would like to be able to reach for a beer and a shot to help. At least I can smoke pot and it not effect my take homes (when I get them)
I'm still trying to decide if I want to go up to 70mg. A part of me does because I'm still thinking about using a large part of the day. I'm not sure if I want to go up to 70mg because I know I'll get that warm glow again OR if it's because at 70mg my tolerance is raised so high that taking oxy wouldn't do jack shit. Or if it's a mix of both... I just don't know.
I had two take homes this last weekend because a) my clinic is closed on Sunday on the regs, and b) Monday was Columbus Day and my clinic closed for that. Weird because my boyfriend's clinic wasn't closed yesterday. A bunch of different thoughts ran through my mind about what to do with my take homes. I contemplated taking an extra 10 or so mgs with my Sunday dose, hoping to get high a bit. I contemplated taking less on Sunday and take more on Monday, hoping to get a high a bit. I thought about not taking my take home dose at all on Sunday and keeping it locked away as an emergency dose (I work as a labor doula and if I were to get called at say 3am to a birth and that birth lasted until 3pm the next day I'd be screwed on dosing that day, so having that emergency take home squirreled away seems like a really good idea). I figured that I could either just skip dosing altogether OR I could take a bunch of oxy and save my take home. However, I didn't do any of that and just took my take homes like I'm suppose to. I figured that if I did anything other than take my doses the way I'm suppose to I would fuck up the tiny bit of energy or glow that I am getting at 60mg and would definitely have to go up to 70mg and then I'd feel super guilty as well. I don't want to fuck around with the methadone. The reason I got on the program to begin with was because I was tired of my drug seeking behavior and the cycle of addiction...the ups and downs, etc. etc. etc..
I battle the urge to get high each day. And each day I don't get high is a victory and a step closer to reprogramming my brain and one day breaking free of the cycle of addiction. I've thought about Ibogaine many times as well...I've heard/read that Ibogaine can completely wash away the want to get high. I am worried that even if I get clean and don't use, in my head there will always live the urge to get high...the desire will never go away.
Today went mostly well, until the end of the day. Toward the end of the afternoon I start to get restless, cold/hot sweats, anxiety and a giant craving to use. Maybe it's just because I have 110 perky C's sitting in my cabinet just calling out to me. On top of all those symptoms my boyfriend and I aren't as connected as we would both like to be (I'll probably dive into that in a future post) so that's causing major issues and my daughter's ratties are either fighting each other for dominance of the cage OR they have mites (which is going to either take money or time or both): trigger...shit, who am I kidding? Right now I'm still looking for an excuse to use. I don't want to be. I fought it hard lately. I really really really don't want to want to use. Ugh I was talking with my boyfriend the last couple days about my cravings as I've been trying to be completely honest with him (and he was suppose to be doing the same). Well all of a sudden he asked to get the keys because he had a few errands to run. I was surprised by this because the only thing we needed was salad. I was hoping that maybe he was going to get me a beer and a shot or something to help me get over the cravings. I kept asking him where he was going and as he was walking out the door he finally told me he was going to his guy's house. I told him no. I said don't spend money on H (we're pretty fucking broke and I thought we were completely broke). He said he wasn't going to spend money. When asked why he said that he replied "well you were saying that you were thinking of taking your pills so I figured I'd just pick something up". I broke down and said well, ok, do what you want. He ended up not going and I ended up breaking down and using. Ugh...I think I might have to go up tomorrow.
I don't necessarily want to be on 70mg but then again if I'm up there maybe it will jack my tolerance up so high that I won't be able to feel oxy. And I see now that I can't rely on my boyfriend to really be a rock when I'm toeing the line. Maybe 70 mg will be my sweet spot. I was almost there. I fought the cravings for a long time *for me*. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I won't use. I don't want to.
I'm still trying to decide if I want to go up to 70mg. A part of me does because I'm still thinking about using a large part of the day. I'm not sure if I want to go up to 70mg because I know I'll get that warm glow again OR if it's because at 70mg my tolerance is raised so high that taking oxy wouldn't do jack shit. Or if it's a mix of both... I just don't know.
I had two take homes this last weekend because a) my clinic is closed on Sunday on the regs, and b) Monday was Columbus Day and my clinic closed for that. Weird because my boyfriend's clinic wasn't closed yesterday. A bunch of different thoughts ran through my mind about what to do with my take homes. I contemplated taking an extra 10 or so mgs with my Sunday dose, hoping to get high a bit. I contemplated taking less on Sunday and take more on Monday, hoping to get a high a bit. I thought about not taking my take home dose at all on Sunday and keeping it locked away as an emergency dose (I work as a labor doula and if I were to get called at say 3am to a birth and that birth lasted until 3pm the next day I'd be screwed on dosing that day, so having that emergency take home squirreled away seems like a really good idea). I figured that I could either just skip dosing altogether OR I could take a bunch of oxy and save my take home. However, I didn't do any of that and just took my take homes like I'm suppose to. I figured that if I did anything other than take my doses the way I'm suppose to I would fuck up the tiny bit of energy or glow that I am getting at 60mg and would definitely have to go up to 70mg and then I'd feel super guilty as well. I don't want to fuck around with the methadone. The reason I got on the program to begin with was because I was tired of my drug seeking behavior and the cycle of addiction...the ups and downs, etc. etc. etc..
I battle the urge to get high each day. And each day I don't get high is a victory and a step closer to reprogramming my brain and one day breaking free of the cycle of addiction. I've thought about Ibogaine many times as well...I've heard/read that Ibogaine can completely wash away the want to get high. I am worried that even if I get clean and don't use, in my head there will always live the urge to get high...the desire will never go away.
Today went mostly well, until the end of the day. Toward the end of the afternoon I start to get restless, cold/hot sweats, anxiety and a giant craving to use. Maybe it's just because I have 110 perky C's sitting in my cabinet just calling out to me. On top of all those symptoms my boyfriend and I aren't as connected as we would both like to be (I'll probably dive into that in a future post) so that's causing major issues and my daughter's ratties are either fighting each other for dominance of the cage OR they have mites (which is going to either take money or time or both): trigger...shit, who am I kidding? Right now I'm still looking for an excuse to use. I don't want to be. I fought it hard lately. I really really really don't want to want to use. Ugh I was talking with my boyfriend the last couple days about my cravings as I've been trying to be completely honest with him (and he was suppose to be doing the same). Well all of a sudden he asked to get the keys because he had a few errands to run. I was surprised by this because the only thing we needed was salad. I was hoping that maybe he was going to get me a beer and a shot or something to help me get over the cravings. I kept asking him where he was going and as he was walking out the door he finally told me he was going to his guy's house. I told him no. I said don't spend money on H (we're pretty fucking broke and I thought we were completely broke). He said he wasn't going to spend money. When asked why he said that he replied "well you were saying that you were thinking of taking your pills so I figured I'd just pick something up". I broke down and said well, ok, do what you want. He ended up not going and I ended up breaking down and using. Ugh...I think I might have to go up tomorrow.
I don't necessarily want to be on 70mg but then again if I'm up there maybe it will jack my tolerance up so high that I won't be able to feel oxy. And I see now that I can't rely on my boyfriend to really be a rock when I'm toeing the line. Maybe 70 mg will be my sweet spot. I was almost there. I fought the cravings for a long time *for me*. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I won't use. I don't want to.
