Dark side of the spoon, continued

I've been trying to taper and quit after a few months of daily opiate use (poppy pods, opium, and lately iv heroin), and this is the absolute hardest time of it I've had quitting. I was half way expecting it to work like an endurance activity. Do it a couple of times and it gets easier/you get better at it. After quitting fentanyl last year and kratom a couple of times, I thought I would have it made, But it's not so easy. My bones hurt, my teeth hurt, I have explosive diarrhea, I barely sleep, and I have no energy. It's like all of the color has been sucked out of life and everything looks gray. Today was so bad that I cheated and smoked some opium.
I've still been eating and riding my bike 20 miles per day exploring the city and Marin county , but it hasn't been fun. (As an aside, "Mork" Robin Williams rode passed me on his bike on Golden Gate bridge last time I was here 2 years ago, but that won't happen again obviously)The idea is to get some endorphins going and alleviate the pain, tire myself out enough to sleep, and get rid of the full-body restless leg syndrome ("restless body syndrome" I call it).
I've been taking kratom to take the edge off, and it definitely helps with the physical symptoms and helps my mood a little too. Without it, I have no doubt I'd either be wrapped around a toilet or back at Pill Hill copping... or getting ready to jump off the Bay Bridge .
I'm still in good shape for quitting completely as far as time goes. I wish I didn't have to quit. Life is slightly better with opiates/opioids than without, even considering the trade-offs. I have about a month left here.

 

Man I couldn't imagine biking that far in withdrawals. All I want to do when I'm sick is lay in a hot bathtub or shower curled up in the fetal position. I personally think it gets harder every time I try to kick. Knowing what's gonna happen actually makes it a little worse the anticipation can play funny tricks on the mind. I think your doing it right by kinda slowly tapering off. Get as sick as you can stand then use enough to get some sleep recharge the will to fight then get back to it. What usually sinks me is the marathon of the sickness. It breaks my will to resist over the course of the week. After 3 days of no sleep and feeling like death I will do whatever it takes to get well. Your doing good keep it up!

 

Thanks for the suggestions. I hope tapering isn't merely prolonging the agony... I've only had kratom and some other herbs and teas yesterday and today, but overall, I think it's (taper combined with kratom) working. I'm surprised how well the kratom works actually. It's not a perfect substitute, but a large enough dose makes me feel almost normal again. The stuff is expensive, even more, a lot more, than brown tar, dose-for-dose. I'm buying it at an herb shop rather than mail order. It's easier to take tiny doses, and I slept much better last night.

Also, it's hard to stick with a taper schedule. I cheat every couple of days, but I'm still making progress.

You too on having a harder time quitting each time, huh? I wonder if the stress on the body is doing some kind of physiological damage each time one goes through withdrawals.

Once I'm on the bike and moving, it hasn't been so bad. 20 miles a day isn't unusual for me under normal circumstances, but it is quite painful and grueling during WDs. I was riding 50 miles (round trip) in Oregon just to go to my gf's house or Starbucks and use the internet in nearby mountain towns. The fact that the scenery for cycling here is fantastic really helps too. The hardest part has been getting up and getting on the bike. The bike riding also makes the goose-bumps/cold sweat feeling a lot worse, especially here where the temperature is usually in the low 60s with a strong wind while I'm pedaling hard.