Hey
SonicShmonik, the first parts of of your post to jump out at me was the quote, "...I need to start acting better..." And "...start getting better with chicks." I can see where you're coming from with these wishes for self-betterment. But your quotes beg the simple question, how are we defining 'better'?
The scope of your venting is pretty broad, ranging from interpersonal and sexual interactions to ethics and morality and beyond. The broad, far-extending net your post casts catches my eye specifically because it is a "place" (if one can even call it that) that I have struggled over time to get away from, mostly without success. Personally speaking, I have uncovered the reason for this, and by sharing it, I might be dually helping you and myself.
When I felt/feel destitute, across the many paradigms you speak of, it is almost invariably because I am lacking some sort of homogeneity - an equilibrium, if you will - across conflicting areas of my life. For example:
My futile struggles at age 19 to find any palatable sense of self crashed due to my simple lack of awareness at the discord present between myself (who I then considered myself to be; in other words, useless) and who it was I
wanted to be. Examining the disparity between where I was and where I wasn't was too painful a living state for me to remain in, and so I chose to remain unaware.
As with most things, time saw to it that my issues with perception in this case were taken care of. But, at age 26, I have come to more crossroads. And there were crossroads of equal magnitude and potential at ages 22 and 23. Why the rapid reoccurrence? Wouldn't one imagine, sanely, had I truly examined and repaired my state of being at age 19, that I might be experiencing somewhat less of an existential crisis?
The answer is twofold:
1.) Despite taking with me at least
something borne of the first situation's resolve, I kept stumbling. What has been made clear to me with the passage of time is that all of life is experience, reaction, and fortification of knowledge/awareness in preparation for the next experience. My fundamental error in thinking lay within the fact that, at age 19, I saw my situation as "fixable," rather than for what it really was - a small subset of a larger base of past and future maelstroms of self-awareness that I, as a human being, am simply relegated from birth to endure. To question, to fail, and to suffer - these, amongst a constellation of other terrors and beauties - are my birthrights. To deny this would represent my condemnation to a veritable lifetime of internal conflict and misery. By contrast, these days, I choose to embrace myself as it is in conjunction with the world. And despite the fleeting bondage this decision results in, I've never felt more free.
2.) I am selfish, and wholly unaware of myself a great proportion of the time! The evidence is there! When reality 'struck' (given the nature of your post, I'm going to assume this verb resonates with you...), I was most often caught completely off-guard - left to accept accountability for things I'd done and behaviors I'd allowed - and left resentful at that fact, too. I was probably, more often than not, as surprised as anyone around me - though I never was really privy to the cause until, with repetition, the cause presented itself to me. A painful experience, but one I do not regret.
When I'm caught off-guard, any and all things are possible. One thing, above all else, is likely to happen, though - I
react, and I do so most frequently with inappropriate bursts of emotion and hypersensitivity. Being unaware makes me inhospitable to those around me, and with good cause. The problem therein is that I am incapable of receiving any help that may be offered me by family, friends and professionals. And, to be sure, there are times in
all of our lives where we require the assistance of others, however trivial.
Good luck in your quest for self-discovery; my experiences are but mine alone. It is my hope, however, that you may find something within them.
Be well
~ Vaya
