PoisonApple
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 26, 2010
- Messages
- 1
a quick sketch of the strange and mysterious circumstances of my life.
why ? circle one of the following:
a) mostly just following a compulsion to expell this into the world (as much as echoing silently into anomymous brains via cluttered text on a flickering screen in the dark will allow)
b) in case anyone else can relate, hopefully somewhat alleviating their own sense of isolation (temporarily as that may be)
c) i'm high as a fucking kite being flown by a superconscious caterpillar rockstar strapped to the underbelly of an F-16 at full throttle (not that high; just the image of the moment)
if you don't care or see this as whining then don't read it and don't waste your precious time putting me down; you could never match the ripping-apart i do to myself so why try? i just have a need to express this. seems as good a place as any...
(deep intonation) born in 1971 in an industrial city in Southern Ontario Canada, i was a weirdly-wired kid from the moment i was uncerimoniously ripped from the womb and flung onto the sunbleached rocks of this world. somehow my earliest childhood was filled with lucid dreams, very vivid hallucinations and regular out of body experiences--- much of which i remember (clearly? or memories of memories of memories?) to this day.
i was always the 'furthest ahead' somehow of the kids i knew. when i was very young i felt very old--- i remember a strong sense of being outside of time-- i don't know of course how this compares to how others feel when very young but would ***love*** to know! had great natural facility for language, being able to write some *really* oddly well-structured stuff almost automatically --- 'almost' is too weak a word- i have old notebooks with what i swear was channelling of some kind. my early intellectual maturity led me to being the natural centre of attention among my friends. nonetheless i was a very shy and inwardly-focused child. i just did and said unusual and compelling things. and sometimes i'd eat ants for the attention and approval of the other kids...
we moved to a new city for the second time when i was about 5. parents split about a year later and thus began a real roller-coaster-- each of them moved at least once a year to a new town/city, and they also regularly bounced me back and forth between themselves. quickly i learned that making friends was futile-- it was a lot of work for me, and just against my natural inclination to spend my free time in quiet contemplation of whatever i was seeing off in some field or junkyard or dark bedroom or night sky. thus began the great opting-out of bothering with human relationships. my dog, on the other hand, came with me, and was my true friend to the age of 14. what a beautiful creature she was. she gave me so much comfort. where is that little spirit now!?!
it needs to be mentioned at this point that my father was very delusional, having suffered through quite the abusive childhood, having honestly a good heart but no idea what to do with a kid or with himself (for example, i often got myself cake and pop for breakfast when with him (eventual appendicitis and a transitory and uncharacteristic overweight-ness was the result), never bathed and wore the same clothes every day (started being ridiculed by the other kids), never had a hair cut (thus was often mistaken for a girl)). he however was convinced that i was a genius on the level of Einstein and regularly told me so in all kinds of ways (often in hours-long rambling monologues while driving aimlessly with him through the countryside while he smokes joint after joint in the car)- this i now believe being the transferrance onto me of his own need to be validated (a result of the constant belittling (and severe beatings) he suffered as a child)- and i being a very suggestible, and very stoned, child, believed him, and formed a core part of my identity around this delusion. this lead to my further estrangement from my peers as i was being made to feel so apart from and above them, while also being pushed apart by inappropriate role models and hygiene issues. this was a huge mistake on his part.
also needs to be pointed out that my mother was and is emotionally underdeveloped, having the emotional maturity of probably a six year old until just a few years ago actually. she's now up to about 15 which is a wonderful change. her naïveté and demeanor throughout my childhood is astounding to me now; such that she had no problem with my reading the comics in the back of my dad's Penthouse magazines (Wicked Wanda!!! i still remember you...) or browsing through the rest of the mags, or even looking at pornographic photos of herself that my dad had taken! i just don't think she was above the level of a child herself. so, no functional role models.
the moving and the bouncing continued to the age of 14, when both of my parents moved in with new partners, both of which rejected me totally--- leading me to be forcefully ejected from both homes within the space of 9 months.
these events also coincided with my initial and *extremely* enthusiastic discovery of drugs--- pot, hash, mushrooms and acid--- and crack. more on that in a bit.
so there i was, a 15 year old healthy male, driven to a nearby city i didn't know a soul in, and just dropped off with some cash to get a room, feeling absolutely rejected and worthless without having had any positive role models to even so much as teach me to deal with reality properly, and no friends. no friends. but at the same time, suddenly infatuated with Kerouac, Ginsberg, Leary, Jim Morrison, and absorbing any and all mind-altering substances that came within reach, towards the goal of getting as deep into my own mind, and as far away from the real world, as humanly possible. i regularly took massive psychedelic doses AND FUCKING LOVED IT, **even the bad acid** (which i took knowing it was bad, yes i'm **that guy**).
this is where things start to spiral down. i was doing sort-of-good in school- teachers seemed to either hate me totally or **really** take to me- some tried to help me, i can see now. people tried to be my friend- many people- i always said interesting things in class usually trying to push the teacher beyond the comfort zone and take things beyond normal - and from grade 9 on usually being blazed or tripping or both (i got some EXCELLENT marks while high btw)
so people tried to enjoin me but i felt worthless yet **at the same time** felt like i was supposed to be so much smarter and better than everyone else (as per my delusional father's stone-session indoctrinations)-- this conflict of interest proved too much for me, and i just pushed ***everyone*** ***everyone*** away, also fearing further rejection. (sidebar: i mean, i'm now fucking 39 years old, haven't been laid in 6 years and have to sit here and remember the hottest and smartest girl in high school falling asleep on my bed because i just ignored her--- (smashes monitor in with face repeatedly, then eats the sparking shards (and loves it)))
all that psyche-twisting (thanks MrMojo), with no friends, always tripping alone, NEVER with anyone else, and the deep-seated conflicts of identity within me started leading me to some very dark places inside myself. predictably i suppose, i got suicidal, and decided i'd go out by ODing on the most dangerous drug i knew about--- crack (this was the late 80s). i take a Greyhound to Toronto, stumble into crack town and immediately get vaccuumed up by the hookers and dealers. i had a couple thou i'd built up by doing computer work (suddenly discovered i was very good at this). cash, in my pocket, in Parkdale. just imagine.
so yeah, i'm sure i probably only smoked maybe a hundred bucks of crack that first night (despite basically throwing $2,000 into the air), but suddenly i wasn't suicidal anymore. i had a reason to live. to smoke crack again. am i the only one here who's life has been saved by crack?!? it's a very exclusive club.
fast-forward 10 years. i've been very unwisely dosing and toking and, about once a month, crack-smoking, for about a decade. i still have no friends, never had a girlfriend, but am very good at computers! had a job offer from **Microsoft** in the early 90s (which i ignore completely, feeling i'll be dead soon anyhow, yes i agree i'm probably the biggest loser on the fucking planet). life was not good for me. i was totally alone, and lived constantly with horrible imagery of self-mutilation and a nonstop inner dialogue of awful self-hatred, but being the weird guy i am, at this point i still don't really mind. it's just my life. doesn't everyone feel this way?!?
i was ready to truly kill myself; crack just wasn't cutting it, pot started making me feel incredibly fucking paranoid and bad, and tripping, to give just one example, sent me to the hospital thinking i was dying from a single bite from what i was sure was a poison apple. what a freakout that was. i didn't even know how to make friends. my personality was so distorted, i was unlikable anyhow.
then i meet someone who's herself very delusional and self-destructive in her own way, and also cute. we get drunk and high (i start seriously drinking for really the first time), i actually have fun, i finally get laid, move in, soon there's a child on the way. things fall apart.
now here i am, with a **beautiful** and sensitive little 10 year old natural-hippy daughter with whom i have an amazing relationship. despite all my fears, it seems the one thing i'm truly good at is being a parent. i'm also good at computer programming but have been unable to really capitalize due to ongoing depression and addiction issues (opiates now, god help me, they put my demons to sleep and have enabled me to be fairly stable for my daughter, but 6 years in i have to stop, have NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN). i'm positive i've done substantial damage to my nervous system along the way. also, i make a fair salary but due to child support payments i'm basically a slave to my daughter's mom and live in near-poverty (my addiction costs really are minimal now, i've learned), even tho she emotionally abuses our daughter, who desprately wants to live with me. cannot afford a lawyer due to child support. am trying on my own but it's very hard, i'm not very good at learning new things (non-computer related) anymore.
the real problem is that i still have no ability to form adult relationships. i'm afraid that my personality is just very distorted, yet i'm basically a good and intelligent person. i'm also somewhat attractive and look much younger than i am, which only adds to the pain btw- i always get attention from attractive girls THAT DON'T KNOW ME (like, cute high-school girls smile at me- i would *never* do that tho even if i could, it would make me feel perverted and i don't want that feeling). but once i open my mouth, history. so i never open my mouth anymore. good with kids and animals - indeed!
my externally-facing identity and self-esteem are just sooo distored. but it's starting to cause problems with the parents of my daughter's friends- my daughter has recently brought home the comment "so and so's mom says she can't come over because she thinks you're a psycho" (BOOOOOOM spears and teeth right through my body and soul) -- so there are problems ahead in that regard. this sort of thing causes me so much anxiety and guilt that i end up imagining where things are headed, and get all suicidal again. if i lose the positive thread with my daughter i don't think i can keep it up. she's the power and the glory you know? i'm tortured by the thought of things going south with my daughter.
so i do a tiny bit of oxy for the sanity (i control it really damn well since it's my lifeline (which i must let go of)), smoke a joint for the insight and motivation, and start typing this out.
whatever.
why ? circle one of the following:
a) mostly just following a compulsion to expell this into the world (as much as echoing silently into anomymous brains via cluttered text on a flickering screen in the dark will allow)
b) in case anyone else can relate, hopefully somewhat alleviating their own sense of isolation (temporarily as that may be)
c) i'm high as a fucking kite being flown by a superconscious caterpillar rockstar strapped to the underbelly of an F-16 at full throttle (not that high; just the image of the moment)
if you don't care or see this as whining then don't read it and don't waste your precious time putting me down; you could never match the ripping-apart i do to myself so why try? i just have a need to express this. seems as good a place as any...
(deep intonation) born in 1971 in an industrial city in Southern Ontario Canada, i was a weirdly-wired kid from the moment i was uncerimoniously ripped from the womb and flung onto the sunbleached rocks of this world. somehow my earliest childhood was filled with lucid dreams, very vivid hallucinations and regular out of body experiences--- much of which i remember (clearly? or memories of memories of memories?) to this day.
i was always the 'furthest ahead' somehow of the kids i knew. when i was very young i felt very old--- i remember a strong sense of being outside of time-- i don't know of course how this compares to how others feel when very young but would ***love*** to know! had great natural facility for language, being able to write some *really* oddly well-structured stuff almost automatically --- 'almost' is too weak a word- i have old notebooks with what i swear was channelling of some kind. my early intellectual maturity led me to being the natural centre of attention among my friends. nonetheless i was a very shy and inwardly-focused child. i just did and said unusual and compelling things. and sometimes i'd eat ants for the attention and approval of the other kids...
we moved to a new city for the second time when i was about 5. parents split about a year later and thus began a real roller-coaster-- each of them moved at least once a year to a new town/city, and they also regularly bounced me back and forth between themselves. quickly i learned that making friends was futile-- it was a lot of work for me, and just against my natural inclination to spend my free time in quiet contemplation of whatever i was seeing off in some field or junkyard or dark bedroom or night sky. thus began the great opting-out of bothering with human relationships. my dog, on the other hand, came with me, and was my true friend to the age of 14. what a beautiful creature she was. she gave me so much comfort. where is that little spirit now!?!
it needs to be mentioned at this point that my father was very delusional, having suffered through quite the abusive childhood, having honestly a good heart but no idea what to do with a kid or with himself (for example, i often got myself cake and pop for breakfast when with him (eventual appendicitis and a transitory and uncharacteristic overweight-ness was the result), never bathed and wore the same clothes every day (started being ridiculed by the other kids), never had a hair cut (thus was often mistaken for a girl)). he however was convinced that i was a genius on the level of Einstein and regularly told me so in all kinds of ways (often in hours-long rambling monologues while driving aimlessly with him through the countryside while he smokes joint after joint in the car)- this i now believe being the transferrance onto me of his own need to be validated (a result of the constant belittling (and severe beatings) he suffered as a child)- and i being a very suggestible, and very stoned, child, believed him, and formed a core part of my identity around this delusion. this lead to my further estrangement from my peers as i was being made to feel so apart from and above them, while also being pushed apart by inappropriate role models and hygiene issues. this was a huge mistake on his part.
also needs to be pointed out that my mother was and is emotionally underdeveloped, having the emotional maturity of probably a six year old until just a few years ago actually. she's now up to about 15 which is a wonderful change. her naïveté and demeanor throughout my childhood is astounding to me now; such that she had no problem with my reading the comics in the back of my dad's Penthouse magazines (Wicked Wanda!!! i still remember you...) or browsing through the rest of the mags, or even looking at pornographic photos of herself that my dad had taken! i just don't think she was above the level of a child herself. so, no functional role models.
the moving and the bouncing continued to the age of 14, when both of my parents moved in with new partners, both of which rejected me totally--- leading me to be forcefully ejected from both homes within the space of 9 months.
these events also coincided with my initial and *extremely* enthusiastic discovery of drugs--- pot, hash, mushrooms and acid--- and crack. more on that in a bit.
so there i was, a 15 year old healthy male, driven to a nearby city i didn't know a soul in, and just dropped off with some cash to get a room, feeling absolutely rejected and worthless without having had any positive role models to even so much as teach me to deal with reality properly, and no friends. no friends. but at the same time, suddenly infatuated with Kerouac, Ginsberg, Leary, Jim Morrison, and absorbing any and all mind-altering substances that came within reach, towards the goal of getting as deep into my own mind, and as far away from the real world, as humanly possible. i regularly took massive psychedelic doses AND FUCKING LOVED IT, **even the bad acid** (which i took knowing it was bad, yes i'm **that guy**).
this is where things start to spiral down. i was doing sort-of-good in school- teachers seemed to either hate me totally or **really** take to me- some tried to help me, i can see now. people tried to be my friend- many people- i always said interesting things in class usually trying to push the teacher beyond the comfort zone and take things beyond normal - and from grade 9 on usually being blazed or tripping or both (i got some EXCELLENT marks while high btw)
so people tried to enjoin me but i felt worthless yet **at the same time** felt like i was supposed to be so much smarter and better than everyone else (as per my delusional father's stone-session indoctrinations)-- this conflict of interest proved too much for me, and i just pushed ***everyone*** ***everyone*** away, also fearing further rejection. (sidebar: i mean, i'm now fucking 39 years old, haven't been laid in 6 years and have to sit here and remember the hottest and smartest girl in high school falling asleep on my bed because i just ignored her--- (smashes monitor in with face repeatedly, then eats the sparking shards (and loves it)))
all that psyche-twisting (thanks MrMojo), with no friends, always tripping alone, NEVER with anyone else, and the deep-seated conflicts of identity within me started leading me to some very dark places inside myself. predictably i suppose, i got suicidal, and decided i'd go out by ODing on the most dangerous drug i knew about--- crack (this was the late 80s). i take a Greyhound to Toronto, stumble into crack town and immediately get vaccuumed up by the hookers and dealers. i had a couple thou i'd built up by doing computer work (suddenly discovered i was very good at this). cash, in my pocket, in Parkdale. just imagine.
so yeah, i'm sure i probably only smoked maybe a hundred bucks of crack that first night (despite basically throwing $2,000 into the air), but suddenly i wasn't suicidal anymore. i had a reason to live. to smoke crack again. am i the only one here who's life has been saved by crack?!? it's a very exclusive club.
fast-forward 10 years. i've been very unwisely dosing and toking and, about once a month, crack-smoking, for about a decade. i still have no friends, never had a girlfriend, but am very good at computers! had a job offer from **Microsoft** in the early 90s (which i ignore completely, feeling i'll be dead soon anyhow, yes i agree i'm probably the biggest loser on the fucking planet). life was not good for me. i was totally alone, and lived constantly with horrible imagery of self-mutilation and a nonstop inner dialogue of awful self-hatred, but being the weird guy i am, at this point i still don't really mind. it's just my life. doesn't everyone feel this way?!?
i was ready to truly kill myself; crack just wasn't cutting it, pot started making me feel incredibly fucking paranoid and bad, and tripping, to give just one example, sent me to the hospital thinking i was dying from a single bite from what i was sure was a poison apple. what a freakout that was. i didn't even know how to make friends. my personality was so distorted, i was unlikable anyhow.
then i meet someone who's herself very delusional and self-destructive in her own way, and also cute. we get drunk and high (i start seriously drinking for really the first time), i actually have fun, i finally get laid, move in, soon there's a child on the way. things fall apart.
now here i am, with a **beautiful** and sensitive little 10 year old natural-hippy daughter with whom i have an amazing relationship. despite all my fears, it seems the one thing i'm truly good at is being a parent. i'm also good at computer programming but have been unable to really capitalize due to ongoing depression and addiction issues (opiates now, god help me, they put my demons to sleep and have enabled me to be fairly stable for my daughter, but 6 years in i have to stop, have NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN). i'm positive i've done substantial damage to my nervous system along the way. also, i make a fair salary but due to child support payments i'm basically a slave to my daughter's mom and live in near-poverty (my addiction costs really are minimal now, i've learned), even tho she emotionally abuses our daughter, who desprately wants to live with me. cannot afford a lawyer due to child support. am trying on my own but it's very hard, i'm not very good at learning new things (non-computer related) anymore.
the real problem is that i still have no ability to form adult relationships. i'm afraid that my personality is just very distorted, yet i'm basically a good and intelligent person. i'm also somewhat attractive and look much younger than i am, which only adds to the pain btw- i always get attention from attractive girls THAT DON'T KNOW ME (like, cute high-school girls smile at me- i would *never* do that tho even if i could, it would make me feel perverted and i don't want that feeling). but once i open my mouth, history. so i never open my mouth anymore. good with kids and animals - indeed!
my externally-facing identity and self-esteem are just sooo distored. but it's starting to cause problems with the parents of my daughter's friends- my daughter has recently brought home the comment "so and so's mom says she can't come over because she thinks you're a psycho" (BOOOOOOM spears and teeth right through my body and soul) -- so there are problems ahead in that regard. this sort of thing causes me so much anxiety and guilt that i end up imagining where things are headed, and get all suicidal again. if i lose the positive thread with my daughter i don't think i can keep it up. she's the power and the glory you know? i'm tortured by the thought of things going south with my daughter.
so i do a tiny bit of oxy for the sanity (i control it really damn well since it's my lifeline (which i must let go of)), smoke a joint for the insight and motivation, and start typing this out.
whatever.
