Psychological dependence, as the medical community now defines it, includes the concept that psychological dependence results, in significant part, from the reinforcement that the administration of a particular drug grants a patient or user.
Reinforcement accumulates.
It has been eight years since I began the daily manipulation of conscious experience via legally prescribed medications (14 years if you include all those without potential for abuse). Since I was fucking ten years old (24 now). But none, not even phenobarbital, has gripped my soul in a manner similar to the opioids as much as have the benzodiazepines. I feel completely trapped - both physically and mentally - by their calm coolness. That addictive feeling of warmth and reprieve after a difficult day dealing with the rest of reality and its sharpened edges. I know the throes of benzodiazepines well - both in moderation and in excess of excess. I was able to kick my IV heroin habit without too much fuss, but sometimes I can't imagine, nor do I want to, a life without benzodiazepines as my daily crutch and nightly chemical hug.
I feel selfish that I feel I need that proverbial "hug" from a chemical - because those I receive from my girlfriend can be fantastic, the must utter bliss. Laying in bed with her - they are times I will cherish forever. But, despite this glowing account of a prosperous relationship, the nip of chemical dependency is never far behind to remind me of the real reasons I spend my days depressed and - not literally - alone. And I certainly do not have enough of those so 'initiated,' as myself, in my life right now to relate my thoughts to.
And, thus, the second Blog entry of my life has been composed and entered for permanent enshrinement.
~ vaya
Reinforcement accumulates.
It has been eight years since I began the daily manipulation of conscious experience via legally prescribed medications (14 years if you include all those without potential for abuse). Since I was fucking ten years old (24 now). But none, not even phenobarbital, has gripped my soul in a manner similar to the opioids as much as have the benzodiazepines. I feel completely trapped - both physically and mentally - by their calm coolness. That addictive feeling of warmth and reprieve after a difficult day dealing with the rest of reality and its sharpened edges. I know the throes of benzodiazepines well - both in moderation and in excess of excess. I was able to kick my IV heroin habit without too much fuss, but sometimes I can't imagine, nor do I want to, a life without benzodiazepines as my daily crutch and nightly chemical hug.
I feel selfish that I feel I need that proverbial "hug" from a chemical - because those I receive from my girlfriend can be fantastic, the must utter bliss. Laying in bed with her - they are times I will cherish forever. But, despite this glowing account of a prosperous relationship, the nip of chemical dependency is never far behind to remind me of the real reasons I spend my days depressed and - not literally - alone. And I certainly do not have enough of those so 'initiated,' as myself, in my life right now to relate my thoughts to.
And, thus, the second Blog entry of my life has been composed and entered for permanent enshrinement.
~ vaya