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Daily drug diary

Hector said:
Why are you seeing a key worker and a drugs nurse? Are you trying to give up drugs or are you just wasting people's time? Why don't you get a job or volunteer and do something with your day then you might not feel the need to take drugs during the day.
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ime its not as black and white as that. A person may ultimately want to conquer their addictions, but the road is full of twists and turns. Addictions can take the from of strong subconscious urges that can be difficult to master. And I've never even strayed to the furthest edges of the scales either, in terms of what might be called 'hard drugs', i sometimes think that i might have well have done for all the trouble it's caused me, i might as well have got more bang for my buck, as even 'softer' drugs have proved hard to kick.

I'm going through a bit of a negative and confused phase about the whole thing. Its starting to depress me every time i go to my clinic, it depresses me that i still need to go there, though im not sure if i really do need them or not, if it continues depressing me then i may stop going and go it alone. But the thought of having no IRL support quite scares me, if i get a job, which they are helping me with my efforts to get one, i may not need to keep going there any longer.
 
Hector said:
Why are you seeing a key worker and a drugs nurse? Are you trying to give up drugs or are you just wasting people's time? Why don't you get a job or volunteer and do something with your day then you might not feel the need to take drugs during the day.
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Yeah I've been avoiding saying that but you get a pretty rough reception from some people on this site if you suggest that people who are making no effort to stop using and just picking up a script are wasting their time (which IMO they are). Having said that I've used on top of scripts before, but it was always out of desperation and I didn't want to be doing it.
 
mydrugbuddy said:
ime its not as black and white as that. A person may ultimately want to conquer their addictions, but the road is full of twists and turns. Addictions can take the from of strong subconscious urges that can be difficult to master. And I've never even strayed to the furthest edges of the scales either, in terms of what might be called 'hard drugs', i sometimes think that i might have well have done for all the trouble it's caused me, i might as well have got more bang for my buck, as even 'softer' drugs have proved hard to kick.

I'm going through a bit of a negative and confused phase about the whole thing. Its starting to depress me every time i go to my clinic, it depresses me that i still need to go there, though im not sure if i really do need it or not, if it continues depressing me then i may stop going and go it alone. But the thought of having no IRL support quite scares me, if i get a job, which they are helping me with, i may not need to keep going any longer.
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That's a bit different though, you're clearly making an effort to get things going in the right direction. Running around going whooo I've scored my script and this much b+w extra 420 blaze it fagit is taking the piss imo.
 
Right found weed that same night - same deal yesterday more or less drug intake wise 1 'straight' 10 pound white and 4 pretty shit bees so i finished my sunbathing with 20 mg diclazepam and 10 mg etizolam. Im not trying to dicksize about my drug intake i just wanted to have it all down in front of me. At the end of the day Im a drug addicted waste of space who came into a bit of money this week, and have tried to enjoy the sunshine stoned as its about all I have. This drug diary was just something I wanted to do to try and start rationalising and quantifying what Im doing, and I couldn't even stick to that on a daily basis. I have no chance of any sort of reduction in my script for 12 weeks so it looks like I have the summer to play with before I start seriously thinking reductions, detox and rehab.

All Ive done is try to give an impression of whats going down my neck.In every other thread in this forum folk are describing what drugs they are taking - im including my meth as part of my daily intake, what ive brought as extra and why ive brought the amounts I have which includes the pricing and if thats taking the piss then just tell me to fuck off period I mean, i come to the one place where I can freely discuss my drug use and when I do I get berated for running around shouting whoo ive got this and that. Please tell me exactly what this forum is for and as discussion of my drug use is obviously causing offense. I got 10 years of this shit on me and this is the first time Ive sought opiate substitution therapy in all this time. Im just trying to catalogue my use while I have the space and time to - as a useless peice of shit junkie who cant get a straight or polite response please point me in the right direction as to where I can.

Drug Diary 19/5/2014

06.30 - Nothing - i smoked all my weed last night. I have a few RC Benzos left and despite just making quite a large reorder on all 4 flavours I wont be taking any this week. With no money until thursday I wont be getting any more weed or class a's and will be left with nothing but my script for the next few days. Am I allowed to post how that goes and how that makes me feel? BTW I have no IRL support apart from my key worker who im totally honest with about my drug use. Not much point in seeing them otherwise
 
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Hector said:
Why are you seeing a key worker and a drugs nurse? Are you trying to give up drugs or are you just wasting people's time? Why don't you get a job or volunteer and do something with your day then you might not feel the need to take drugs during the day.
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Im seeing them as Ive heard that folk like that can help get people stable if not immediately abstinent. I was working full time up until 9 months ago - I had to give up work to look after my mother who is chronically ill needed both my father and I to look after her, which precipitated my relapse. Ive been taking SSRI's since leaving work but found that the antidepressant effect that the gear offered seemed to make a very difficult situation slightly more manageable.
 
Just a suggestion but getting stable would usually involve getting yourself on a script and sticking to it. Getting a script and then using on top is just going to make your problem worse. It's a bit late now but it's only really worth trying to get stability through a script if you're going to try to stick to it. I know it's not as easy as all that but if you use on top of your script for a considerable amount of time you're just going to make your situation worse and you're going to have to have your script upped when you do eventually want to stop using on top, meaning a much further route down in the end.
 
It's not that simple though is it Owain? Drug addicts are not exactly renowned for making sane, logical, decisions. Myself included.

Seems that the OP is trying to manage his situation and has created a thread to help him gauge his usage. Surely this is a positive step?

(Btw Stee, what exactly are bees and W/white? Heroin and coke respectively? )
 
curious_24 said:
It's not that simple though is it Owain? Drug addicts are not exactly renowned for making sane, logical, decisions. Myself included.

Seems that the OP is trying to manage his situation and has created a thread to help him gauge his usage. Surely this is a positive step?

(Btw Stee, what exactly are bees and W/white? Heroin and coke respectively? )
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Let him have his say if it helps him then who am I to question that.......small steps I agree but at least there's acknowledgement of substances taken.
 
curious_24 said:
It's not that simple though is it Owain? Drug addicts are not exactly renowned for making sane, logical, decisions. Myself included.

Seems that the OP is trying to manage his situation and has created a thread to help him gauge his usage. Surely this is a positive step?

(Btw Stee, what exactly are bees and W/white? Heroin and coke respectively? )
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Did you actually read my post?

I specifically said I know it's not as easy as all that, I should know I've been on and off the smack/crack for the last seven years.

...and no I don't think it is a positive step getting a script if you're going to use on top of it every day for the reasons I stated in my post.
 
You tell me I've read your post wrong, then proceed to repeat exactly the thing that I took issue with.

My point is that at least the OP is trying to help himself. Sure, he's clearly got a long way to go as he's still using on top of his script, but at least he recognises the problem and is trying to make progress by recording his usage and presumably reflecting upon it. If you've been in a similar position yourself, I'm sure you'll agree that it's not as easy as just stopping scoring (script or no script) Addiction is a mental illness and a prescription doesn't do much to address the psychological cravings and the compulsion to score/use.
 
I repeated it because you clearly didn't understand the original point I was making and thought you might do if you re-read it.

Just to be clear...no, I don't think it's a good thing to be on a script if you are going to use on top of it everyday because you are just increasing the size of your physical dependance. If you are on a script and you do a bit of using on top at the beginning as part of the difficult process of switching on to a script then yes it's a good thing. However, if you get on to a script and just using on top in the same manner you were using before you're just making your situation worse because now not only do you have the dependance on the street drugs you are using you have the dependance on the script as well, so when you decide you do finally want to stop using street drugs you need an even bigger script to cover the street drugs, making it a longer way back down. You would be better off not being on the script and waiting until you're ready to make a solid attempt to stop using street drugs.

Just a response to your question of whether I thought it was a positive step.
 
OK, I understand the point you're making with respect to recovery and tapering off . For what is worth, I'm sure that Stee understands this also. I apologise for the initial misunderstanding.
 
I know what your saying owen but ive never had a script before and its a nice novelty being able to score again the odd day for enjoyments sake rather than worrying about controlling wds all the time. Theres been one occasion where I used on top 4 days in a row - i felt a bit rattly the following morning but 2 days straight glug and my script is back to holding me for 24 hours. Theres rarely an occasion at the moment where im feeling rough by the time my next dose comes round.

Im not seeing the prescribing doctor for 12 weeks so that gives me the summer to try and relax a bit - im so fucking depressed I have no friends drugs are all I have - come the fortnight before i get to see the doc again Im really going hard at script only which should get me a start on 5ml/month reduction (as long as Im comfortable with the rate) with a promised swap to bupe when I get between 20 - 30 ml and hopefully a 14 week rehab place at the end - the rehab is where all my chips are bet on at the moment as a way of changing my mode of thinking for good.
 
I wasn't commenting directly on your activity because I don't know whether you're using on top daily or not, and even if you are I'm not judging you/criticising but merely pointing out that in the long run it will actually make your position more difficult.

When I first got on a juice script it wasn't holding me through 24 hours so I was using every every night after work (which was like 1.30am) and every morning when I woke up (~6.30am) to get me through until my next dose. After about 10 days of that I asked for my script to be upped to 80ml and after about a week of that it was holding me through 24 hours (and after a while a lot longer than that). I carried on using on top anyway just because I had a needle fixation, but I was shooting half a gram and barely feeling it it all because of the blocking effect of the methadone, which got me to stop (with the opiates) because it was just totally pointless paying all that money for a five second tickle. Once I started reducing at a couple of points along the way I used on top for various runs of days strung together and when I stopped I'd have to detox back down to my juice level.

If you really can't stop using on top in the long run it might be a case of having a discussion with your key worker about upping your script until it has a blocking effect and that can get you out of the cycle (although if you're anything like me which I suspect you might be you'll just end up using crack instead). You're right the ability to take yourself out of the merry-go-round of smack use with a script and getting some stability is nice and a positive thing, but unless you manage to stop using on top regularly then it actually becomes a bad thing. Some of my worst periods of using were when I was on a big script and it was a long way back down from there. I ended up jumping off at 19ml in the end and even that was horrific.

I don't know if you smoke weed and I know it might sound ridiculous but that was one of the tools I used to stop shooting up more smack. I started smoking lots of bongs which would synergise with the methadone and actually give me a pretty nice high (which I was still seeking at the time) something like the gouch I was looking for. It also fulfilled that instant gratification thing you get from IV use, but in a much less damaging way. Having said that it took me a faiir amount of time to leave the crack alone afterwards.

I would definitely recommend bupe over methadone when you get down to the right level. I haven';t detoxed from it yet so I can't pass judgement on the difference between those two things but it's curbed my craving for opiates much more effectively than methadone did, and I know it will do fuck all if I use them anyway.
 
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Right - payday today - last 3 days nothing but weed and my script - will be treatring myself to a few items (Yes whites/w's = crack & bees/b's = heroin down my sides) So Ive got today to enjoy a few class a items of both flavours and then its back to the programme as I dont get paid again for a while. I smoke weed most days - im trying to get into a habit of just smoking it on a night as its the wake and bakes that set me off on drug benders on a morning
 
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