BEFORE YOU SCROLL DOWN READ THIS. I started my little report off as I came out of a drowsy amphetamine comedown. After pumping out about 3000 words, the fact dawned on me that I was still pretty hopped up. Obviously writing a report on something you are still experiencing is a bit silly, however I just cranked out over 4k words where I could have done something else, so I will go ahead and post this anyway. If any of the sites management team feels that it is inappropriate, then please feel free to remove it. The way I see it, people read these things to gain some insight as to how a drug could effect you. And this massive long rant about nothing does just that. I even added red text to show different sections 
Oh, and by all means feel free to tell me I’m a dumbass. Trust me, I know how this makes me sound.
[BACKGROUND INFORMATION AND PRELUDE]
I'd say I changed over at 14. This was about the point where my drug use became more of a tool used to manipulate my body rather than something "defiant" against the adult forces in my life. Like most people I started with pot, slowly moved up through a variety of hallucinogens and eventually reached a point where I had to stop and set some ground rules for myself. Pot, mushrooms and acid were the drugs that gave me the most desirable effects, and those were the only drugs I would continue to use. This was my rule, and I stuck by it for quite some time. I was not considered a heavy drug user by most standards; generally I was using on Friday nights and spent the rest of my time sober. I suppose fate had it in for me, and September of this year I moved from my quiet Canadian town to a much larger city near Vancouver. This would have been the first time in nearly 3 years that I had not used anything within two weeks, primarily because I hadn't met any trip buddies or found any hookups. So began my schooling term.
I was trying to complete the early grad program. Essentially, the idea is that you take four academic classes first term and take four spares second term. This put quite a heavy work load on me, as I was taking two 12th grade classes as well as two advanced placement college level courses. To be honest, I’m still not really sure why I put myself thought that. I suppose I was just bored and needed something to do with myself. Regardless, the workload combined with other activities (work etc) really left me no time for weekend trips or for that matter even to rebuild a social life. Ironically, it was this streak of sobriety coupled with my oversized workload the lead me to break my rule.
Exam stress was getting to me and I was really having a hard time motivating myself to get the work done that I needed. I was caught in a rut of having neglected work pile up around me while my grades slipped. I had not even made a dent in the list of concepts I desperately needed to brush up on for my finals, and every late night I pulled to try and catch up just left me even more exhausted the next day and made it harder for me to focus on the high priority tasks.
[FIRST EXPERIENCE]
this is where my chemical savoir comes in. Through some long chain of events I found myself with a rather large bottle of 10mg Dexedrine spansules. I knew what these pills were made of, what they would do and why I could do it. And to be honest, when I first wrote off amphetamines as a drug I would never benefit from I had significantly different views of what I wanted to gain from use of any psychoactive substance. Now the tables have turned, was I really breaking my rule?
My first experience was, to be blunt, a learning curve. My expectations of the drug were based off the instant release variety amphetamine, so when the first 10mg pill that I took just after twelve noon hadn't caused any noticeable effects by 1 I decided to double the dose with a second pill and down it with a glass of water. Clearly this had worked, as only 10 minutes later I was experiencing a pleasant tingling sensation coming over my body in waves. I started to get a little nervous, my understanding was that the noticeable effects of the drugs would be limited to the desired stimulant effect mixed with a little twitchiness, and I was already experiencing what I could only describe as a vague body high. I quickly checked my pulse (elevated) and my arms for Goosebumps (clear). On my way to check my legs I realized that I was overreacting far too much and that really I was sitting in the middle of physics class frantically checking my arms. I guess it was working. The remainder of the day was quite similar to what I had hoped for, I felt quite well rested and spent basically my whole afternoon chilling out with some chill electro, doing assignments. I was especially pleased with how this drug seemed to promote a much more relaxed atmosphere where I was content and focused rather than the jaw-clenching furious homework dash that I had almost expected. In fact.. this was exactly the kind of mindset I needed to get through the rest of the week. Chill out, get your work done and enjoy yourself while you do it.
so I did.
My one day amphetamine exponent turned into a 4 day binge. Due to my poor planning I didn't sleep much at all on the first night, however the combination of earlier doses and higher tolerance put me in the position where I could snooze for 6 or 7 hours at night before my alarm blared the next day. Feeling slightly groggier in the morning, I mostly just forced myself out of bed and into the shower. I suppose I managed to convince my body that it only needed to last a half hour so I could shower and get some food in me before the chemicals took over. In retrospect, one thing I remember from this first experience that kind of frightens me was the way my state of mind seemed to change. I didn't care much for getting myself to bed when I knew I needed to, and I just started to ignore the signals from my own body telling me to get my ass back into bed. Sleep didn't come from the time I spent laying unconscious on a mattress. It came from a little bundle of orange pellets and could be refilled as needed.
By the end of the week I imagined myself being on a highway. I had long since forgotten about the winding side roads, stop signs and endless pedestrians I had to maneuver around. Just hit cruise control and wait for your turnoff. Work was probably being completed at three times the speed I’d have been able to do it normally, and with every check box I ticked off on that seemly endless list of tasks I need to do a little bit of my stress evaporated. It was around 11pm on a Friday night, as I was starting to feel a bit of a crash coming on that I decided it would be a good night to re-dose and waste the rest of the night completing the last of my English work. At the time it seemed like a pretty good idea, the pill has given me everything else I asked for and if I got this finished I could take the day off tomorrow and maybe go work on my photo portfolio a little.
[WHY WITHDRAWL SUCKS]
First deviation from standard dose, +10mg at 11:00pm Friday.
I did something a little different with this one. Reading online about Dexedrine abuse, one site had mentioned that kids were removing the removing the pills from their capsules and swallowing them wrapped in tissue paper. Supposedly this would release the same dose over a shorter period of time and create a bigger rush. This seemed to be something I’d enjoy, so that I did. I remember thinking that it could be beneficial for me, because that way the drug would have worn off by 7 when I took my regular morning dose and I wouldn't mess with the schedule I had conditioned my body too. Yeah.. helping mainland a healthy schedule through more chemical sleep deprivation. that makes sense.
regardless I definitely got the rush I was looking for. Probably on par to what I experienced the first time using dex, although this time I knew what to look for. Dexedrine is definitely a more mental drug than anything I’ve done before. If you know what you're going for it isn't hard at all to get yourself in the correct state of mind to reap the benefits, but if you're first is like mine was you will find yourself wondering if the drug has taken effect yet.
anyway this "rush" I had going for me didn't slowly fade into the background like I had come to expect, instead it seemed to melt back into the same crash I felt coming on earlier although instead of resetting the comedown it seemed to just pick up from where it would have been had I not re-dosed. Keep in mind that I had not yet experienced a true amphetamine comedown, ans I usually fell into a semi-sleep by the time all the drugs had withdrawn from my body. Slowly I felt my not-quite-crystal clear concentration distort into a kind of slightly disorienting mental haze. I continued working, assuming it would pass and it was just a moment of fatigue. It didn't pass. I had been experiencing what I like to call mental "hiccups", or brief moments where i'd suddenly have a flash of confusion and have to remember what it was I was doing. These hiccups turned into burps, and eventually I was left with a fog that made me really have to put a lot of my energy into concentrating. Even at a few points I remember having to stop myself, because I wasn't concentrating on the work anymore but I was concentrating on the idea of trying to make myself concentrate on the work. yeah, that’s the best I can explain it. When I finally came to the (belated) conclusion that this was NOT a phase and it would NOT pass I came to the bright idea to parachute another 10mg. Sure, I got another buzz like my last but this was merely a cream-cheese coating on the shit pie I was sitting in. Now I felt energetic, motivated, and confused out of my fucking mind. Eventually I just gave up with the homework and layer down on the floor and stared up at my roof clock. I stared at it for over 20 minutes. Then I decided to check my pulse. 110 and just sitting there. after I had been lying down, staring at the roof and not moving. This was the beginning of a very long night. I climbed into bed, but was unable to close my eyes for any decent period of time. I stared at the walls, at the door and at the roof. I tried to count the lines around my lamp, however it was too hard to focus on a line and I kept forgetting my number.
Somewhere in my body there is a chemical that makes me focus and concentrate. And whatever chemical that is, my warehouses were long depleted.
[MORNING AFTER]
I woke up the next morning. Actually "woke up" is a bad choice of words, it would imply that I was asleep. Really, I just managed to focus my eyes on the time. it was 9 AM. Being aware of the time made me become aware of the room I was in. That made me become aware of the light outside, various objects on my floor, the location of my family members (not home) and other important things that I can't recall. Fighting a dizzy spell, I dragged myself into the bathroom. My pupils were still dilated, more so than I would expect them to be, actually. My skin had become splotchy and my face was extremely flushed. [random note, I suffer from rosaceous which means that at times my face can become very red and blushed. My rosaceous was really only visible when I was a kid, and I usually only get flushes once every few months. My face also looked much more purple than I had ever seen it and the redness was very patchy looking instead of smooth like I was used too]. My skin felt try, my eyes had trouble focusing (I assume because of the extremely dilated pupils). The vague blue swooshes that tend to crop up under my eyes when I am rather fatigued had manifested themselves and huge purple accents and my eyes had become poofey like I had an allergy. My body itched and tingled. I thought I saw movements or people in my peripherals.
I remember one LSD experience where I was in a position that I had to wait on my own for some people. This was the first time I had ever been totally alone on acid, I always do this sort of stuff with a few buddies. After a little inward reflection I experienced what has been called "ego death". Within some period of time I was seeing myself as probably the most vile, disgusting human being on the face of the earth. I remember waiting for a spirit to come and kill me, only to realize that I was in fact being told BY the spirit that he would kill me, which then even further clarified that I wasn't communicating with the spirit I was communicating with myself, and that I was the spirit. Having that cleared up, all I needed to do was get my consciousness out of my body so I could leave the vile, disgusting life that I had taken part in over the years and prevent humanity from having to deal with my pathetic and horrible existence.
well withdrawing from amphetamines is the only thing worse than that experience.
my dad came home, said I looked horrible. I told him it mists be allergies (puffy, bloodshot eyes). he gave me some allergy med, I cheeked it and spat it out later. The last thing I wanted at that point was another manufactured substance in my body.
herbal tea and acid jazz got me thought the rest of the day. I slept until noon on Sunday. I never touched the pills until exam week, in which case I took 20mg morning of and nothing else. I did fairly well, although I failed to retain anything I studied on Friday.
[MOST RECENT EXPERIENCE]
now we enter yesterday’s experience. It has been three weeks since I took my exams. I had used amphetamines one other time since then, mainly out of boredom and to gain more perspective on my previous experience and see how the effects would change when I had taken a break. My motivation for speeding this time was to complete about 45 tiny assignments the government had deemed necessary. They call it the "Grad transition program". Assignments are extremely easy, generally fit somewhere between "write 10 things you are good at", "show how you have used art in your life" and "write a fake interview between yourself and the owner of a fast food restaurant". I have neglected these for nearly two years, and I needed to hand them it to the school counselor the very next day (this is the day I write this, actually). Amphetamines are definitely for sure the perfect drug for this task. Simple, uninteresting tasks. A full day with nothing else to do. I've well rested, in a great mood and everything else seems to be taking shape. Even better, the wheather is absolutely supah fantastic and this puts me in an even better mood. It is 10:30 in the morning, I have eaten pancakes and showered. I parachute 10mg of Dexedrine and start tidying up the kitchen.
this whole "parachuting" concept is pretty effective. by the time I’ve finished washing my dishes I’m already feeling the body tingles, and feel full of energy. While I dry and put away washed dishes I listen to a couple of new ninjatune albums I just got in the mail. I'm feeling pretty good. Once the kitchen is finished I’m still in a bit of a clean mode, and just when I’m about to vacuum the living room I get a call from my girlfriend. She comments on my particularly cheerful mood, and it’s at this point that I realize that I’m actually feeling. well... super happy while on speed. This hasn’t' happened to me before, not to this extent. I blame this on the change in my setting and mood compared with other experiences. Currently I’m just at home packing up my things and preparing to go back to the town I love, no stress of school, money or anything else that’s usually bothering me. All the plans I made and goals I’ve been working toward since September have been achieved, now I’m high on speed and talking to my girlfriend. A cause for happiness. [and I will note now, that I am still pretty reluctant to admit how much of that mood could have been because of the drugs].
Once I’m done on the phone, I decide to make the best of my mood and take my camera out for the mission I’ve been intending too for a while. Unfortunately I guess photography and speed don't go together as well as I had hoped. It seemed like I’d be jumping in and preparing for the shot before I’d even chosen a subject or even to create some kind of composure. Regardless, all my shots turned out like tourist cell phone snapshots, only 8 mega pixel. Not entirely given up on my photo mission I decide to dedicate more of my time towards doing the post-processing on some untouched RAW files I have to go through. Unlike my previous effort THIS actually worked quite well. I managed to get about 20 pictures that I had decided were failed and make them look presentable, probably about 7 of them that I am really fond of. Oddly enough I broke my standard of not over-editing photos, and most of these have some pretty heavy digital modification to them. I suppose it makes sense, considering the reason I threw them away in the first place was because I hadn't been able to get anything nice out of them with my standard editing methods, however I still find it quite odd that something I struggled with previously seemed to just kind of "fall into place" while speeding. I’ll have to debate the artistic merits of amphetamines at a later date, because HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK ITS ALREADY FOUR FUCKING PM. WHERE DID ALL THE TIME GOES? WHAT THE HELL?
okay, so did what I knew I shouldn’t' have. I got sidetracked. all day. Now is the time to start on my graduation transitions. I start powering through assignment after assignment, opting to type the questions and answers on the computer instead of filling in the blanks. After the first six or seven assignments (that happen to be quite small) I really start to get into it. I find myself having to stop and make sure I’m not over answering. Even on a few questions I wrote over 200 words for a four sentence answer. My English is still pretty solid and I’ve managed to stray away from rambling like one tends to do on decks. (speaking of which... I’m starting to realize I’m probably still under the influence. seems a little late to notice now.. back to this later). I have to break at 6 because I figured I should make some kind of dinner since my dad won't be home until like 9 and my sisters are probably bit chin hungry. I get back to homework around 9 (yeah, more girlfriend and the tail end of a CSI episode). I probably should have had some food or something, but I’m really starting to feel like the "appetite suppressant" effects of this drug are a lot more like appetite genocide. Even swallowing food tends to make me feel like I should gag or something. (no, not because of my cooking you jackasses).
I re-dosed, but ate the capsule for long lasting effects
day so far so good. tons of work done on assignments although I stopped once again to give a long rant about the existence of "personality disorders" that this drugs is supposed to treat. and to make plans with a few buddies for the weekend I’m back in town. Actually, I started debating if I even want to return to the same cycle of drug use that I had previously. Now that I think about it, amps really tend to kill any desire I have to alter my consciousness while I’m on them.
This is basically the peak of all this goodness I’d experienced. After some more assignment sessions (and an increasing tendency to ramble) I had completed over three quarters of what I wanted done, and it is now past midnight. Unfortunately the last thing I had just worked on is a total disaster. The questions I thought I had done well on really failed to make any point at all, and were borderline as far as coherency is concerned. Very borderline. Looking back over my work, I can clearly see my thought process and the points I’d want to make, however I always seemed to over think before I wrote. For example, I had to explain why I wanted to work for the specific company chosen in a mock interview. The point I wanted to make was that the type of work offered by their company is more involving and diverse than they average tech job. Then I was thinking to back it up by saying that corporate customers needed very specific computer systems but the average consumer wanted just a basic system. In the end, my answer wound up to be something about how the computers that people own are all basically the same except for a couple minor changes. But stretch that over 300 words. I was fucking out of it and I didn't realize it.
By that point no matter how hard I tried I was unable to take my thoughts and convert them into a logical argument, never mind putting that argument onto paper. Too much, too late. I checked my pulse, still elevated. Pupils dilated.
I condemned myself to a night of chilling in the blue light IRC and getting made fun of for being a knob. Oddly enough, I took great pleasure in talking about living in Canada, running a business, coming down off amphetamines and a bazillion other things. It was just the homework that killed me. My theory is that chatting on IRC is just recalling my own experiences, where as doing the work was mostly just a bunch of bullshit so I could look intelligent. I did not sleep at all that night, didn't really try either.
okay, gotta close this up. In retrospect I think this drug is way more powerful than I gave it credit for. Unlike other things I’ve experienced, the changes I feel under the influence are subtle enough that I have to look for them. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m still speeding right now and for whatever reason I didn't notice until this report went over 3000 words. If I can learn to stop being so impulsive with my doses I can put this to much better use when I need it. Really, I think the biggest put off for me is just how much my personality changes on amps. I mean reading back over some of this writing (keep in mind I just started and never stopped for a couple hours)... well let’s just say I’m acting a lot different then I usually do. Plus, I generally think of myself as a pretty confident writer. Most of this stuff looks a little forced, and I can definitely tell where I stumble. Hers some cool notes below in case I come back later and realize everything above makes no sense.
[CLIFF NOTES FOR PEOPLE WHO DONT HAVE 4 HOURS]
CLIFF NOTES:
First dex experiment:
20mg (2 x 10mg spansules) daily monday through friday to study for exams.
sleep patters okay, dosed at 7 AM. First time dose (monday) taken at noon, unable to sleep that night. Attempted to pull amp fueled all nighter on friday, encountered severe crash. Desired effects no longer obtained from drug even after repeated dosing.
second dex experience:
20mgs morning before exam, highly effective. slight dificulty falling asleep.
minor withdrawl effects day after using, mostly attributed to lack of nutrition and poor quality of sleep
third dex experience:
taken in a much more relaxed setting with no major stresses or overly important tasks. 20mg taken orally (parachute) mid morning. Staggared all doses. Highly euphoric, quickly sidetracked. Attempted and failed outdoor photography, great sucess when editing old photos. Easily lost track of time. Worked on objective (papers) without much effort being required. All work completed between 12:30 and 1:00 am totally useless and incoherent. due to repeated dosing over the course of the afternoon, unable to sleep. Was happy to spend night on IRC.
substancecode_amphetamines
substancecode_dextroamphetamine
substancecode_pharms
substancecode_Dexedrine
categorycode_solo
categorycode_indoors
categorycode_recreational
categorycode_therapeutic
categorycode_positive
explevel_experienced
Oh, and by all means feel free to tell me I’m a dumbass. Trust me, I know how this makes me sound.
[BACKGROUND INFORMATION AND PRELUDE]
I'd say I changed over at 14. This was about the point where my drug use became more of a tool used to manipulate my body rather than something "defiant" against the adult forces in my life. Like most people I started with pot, slowly moved up through a variety of hallucinogens and eventually reached a point where I had to stop and set some ground rules for myself. Pot, mushrooms and acid were the drugs that gave me the most desirable effects, and those were the only drugs I would continue to use. This was my rule, and I stuck by it for quite some time. I was not considered a heavy drug user by most standards; generally I was using on Friday nights and spent the rest of my time sober. I suppose fate had it in for me, and September of this year I moved from my quiet Canadian town to a much larger city near Vancouver. This would have been the first time in nearly 3 years that I had not used anything within two weeks, primarily because I hadn't met any trip buddies or found any hookups. So began my schooling term.
I was trying to complete the early grad program. Essentially, the idea is that you take four academic classes first term and take four spares second term. This put quite a heavy work load on me, as I was taking two 12th grade classes as well as two advanced placement college level courses. To be honest, I’m still not really sure why I put myself thought that. I suppose I was just bored and needed something to do with myself. Regardless, the workload combined with other activities (work etc) really left me no time for weekend trips or for that matter even to rebuild a social life. Ironically, it was this streak of sobriety coupled with my oversized workload the lead me to break my rule.
Exam stress was getting to me and I was really having a hard time motivating myself to get the work done that I needed. I was caught in a rut of having neglected work pile up around me while my grades slipped. I had not even made a dent in the list of concepts I desperately needed to brush up on for my finals, and every late night I pulled to try and catch up just left me even more exhausted the next day and made it harder for me to focus on the high priority tasks.
[FIRST EXPERIENCE]
this is where my chemical savoir comes in. Through some long chain of events I found myself with a rather large bottle of 10mg Dexedrine spansules. I knew what these pills were made of, what they would do and why I could do it. And to be honest, when I first wrote off amphetamines as a drug I would never benefit from I had significantly different views of what I wanted to gain from use of any psychoactive substance. Now the tables have turned, was I really breaking my rule?
My first experience was, to be blunt, a learning curve. My expectations of the drug were based off the instant release variety amphetamine, so when the first 10mg pill that I took just after twelve noon hadn't caused any noticeable effects by 1 I decided to double the dose with a second pill and down it with a glass of water. Clearly this had worked, as only 10 minutes later I was experiencing a pleasant tingling sensation coming over my body in waves. I started to get a little nervous, my understanding was that the noticeable effects of the drugs would be limited to the desired stimulant effect mixed with a little twitchiness, and I was already experiencing what I could only describe as a vague body high. I quickly checked my pulse (elevated) and my arms for Goosebumps (clear). On my way to check my legs I realized that I was overreacting far too much and that really I was sitting in the middle of physics class frantically checking my arms. I guess it was working. The remainder of the day was quite similar to what I had hoped for, I felt quite well rested and spent basically my whole afternoon chilling out with some chill electro, doing assignments. I was especially pleased with how this drug seemed to promote a much more relaxed atmosphere where I was content and focused rather than the jaw-clenching furious homework dash that I had almost expected. In fact.. this was exactly the kind of mindset I needed to get through the rest of the week. Chill out, get your work done and enjoy yourself while you do it.
so I did.
My one day amphetamine exponent turned into a 4 day binge. Due to my poor planning I didn't sleep much at all on the first night, however the combination of earlier doses and higher tolerance put me in the position where I could snooze for 6 or 7 hours at night before my alarm blared the next day. Feeling slightly groggier in the morning, I mostly just forced myself out of bed and into the shower. I suppose I managed to convince my body that it only needed to last a half hour so I could shower and get some food in me before the chemicals took over. In retrospect, one thing I remember from this first experience that kind of frightens me was the way my state of mind seemed to change. I didn't care much for getting myself to bed when I knew I needed to, and I just started to ignore the signals from my own body telling me to get my ass back into bed. Sleep didn't come from the time I spent laying unconscious on a mattress. It came from a little bundle of orange pellets and could be refilled as needed.
By the end of the week I imagined myself being on a highway. I had long since forgotten about the winding side roads, stop signs and endless pedestrians I had to maneuver around. Just hit cruise control and wait for your turnoff. Work was probably being completed at three times the speed I’d have been able to do it normally, and with every check box I ticked off on that seemly endless list of tasks I need to do a little bit of my stress evaporated. It was around 11pm on a Friday night, as I was starting to feel a bit of a crash coming on that I decided it would be a good night to re-dose and waste the rest of the night completing the last of my English work. At the time it seemed like a pretty good idea, the pill has given me everything else I asked for and if I got this finished I could take the day off tomorrow and maybe go work on my photo portfolio a little.
[WHY WITHDRAWL SUCKS]
First deviation from standard dose, +10mg at 11:00pm Friday.
I did something a little different with this one. Reading online about Dexedrine abuse, one site had mentioned that kids were removing the removing the pills from their capsules and swallowing them wrapped in tissue paper. Supposedly this would release the same dose over a shorter period of time and create a bigger rush. This seemed to be something I’d enjoy, so that I did. I remember thinking that it could be beneficial for me, because that way the drug would have worn off by 7 when I took my regular morning dose and I wouldn't mess with the schedule I had conditioned my body too. Yeah.. helping mainland a healthy schedule through more chemical sleep deprivation. that makes sense.
regardless I definitely got the rush I was looking for. Probably on par to what I experienced the first time using dex, although this time I knew what to look for. Dexedrine is definitely a more mental drug than anything I’ve done before. If you know what you're going for it isn't hard at all to get yourself in the correct state of mind to reap the benefits, but if you're first is like mine was you will find yourself wondering if the drug has taken effect yet.
anyway this "rush" I had going for me didn't slowly fade into the background like I had come to expect, instead it seemed to melt back into the same crash I felt coming on earlier although instead of resetting the comedown it seemed to just pick up from where it would have been had I not re-dosed. Keep in mind that I had not yet experienced a true amphetamine comedown, ans I usually fell into a semi-sleep by the time all the drugs had withdrawn from my body. Slowly I felt my not-quite-crystal clear concentration distort into a kind of slightly disorienting mental haze. I continued working, assuming it would pass and it was just a moment of fatigue. It didn't pass. I had been experiencing what I like to call mental "hiccups", or brief moments where i'd suddenly have a flash of confusion and have to remember what it was I was doing. These hiccups turned into burps, and eventually I was left with a fog that made me really have to put a lot of my energy into concentrating. Even at a few points I remember having to stop myself, because I wasn't concentrating on the work anymore but I was concentrating on the idea of trying to make myself concentrate on the work. yeah, that’s the best I can explain it. When I finally came to the (belated) conclusion that this was NOT a phase and it would NOT pass I came to the bright idea to parachute another 10mg. Sure, I got another buzz like my last but this was merely a cream-cheese coating on the shit pie I was sitting in. Now I felt energetic, motivated, and confused out of my fucking mind. Eventually I just gave up with the homework and layer down on the floor and stared up at my roof clock. I stared at it for over 20 minutes. Then I decided to check my pulse. 110 and just sitting there. after I had been lying down, staring at the roof and not moving. This was the beginning of a very long night. I climbed into bed, but was unable to close my eyes for any decent period of time. I stared at the walls, at the door and at the roof. I tried to count the lines around my lamp, however it was too hard to focus on a line and I kept forgetting my number.
Somewhere in my body there is a chemical that makes me focus and concentrate. And whatever chemical that is, my warehouses were long depleted.
[MORNING AFTER]
I woke up the next morning. Actually "woke up" is a bad choice of words, it would imply that I was asleep. Really, I just managed to focus my eyes on the time. it was 9 AM. Being aware of the time made me become aware of the room I was in. That made me become aware of the light outside, various objects on my floor, the location of my family members (not home) and other important things that I can't recall. Fighting a dizzy spell, I dragged myself into the bathroom. My pupils were still dilated, more so than I would expect them to be, actually. My skin had become splotchy and my face was extremely flushed. [random note, I suffer from rosaceous which means that at times my face can become very red and blushed. My rosaceous was really only visible when I was a kid, and I usually only get flushes once every few months. My face also looked much more purple than I had ever seen it and the redness was very patchy looking instead of smooth like I was used too]. My skin felt try, my eyes had trouble focusing (I assume because of the extremely dilated pupils). The vague blue swooshes that tend to crop up under my eyes when I am rather fatigued had manifested themselves and huge purple accents and my eyes had become poofey like I had an allergy. My body itched and tingled. I thought I saw movements or people in my peripherals.
I remember one LSD experience where I was in a position that I had to wait on my own for some people. This was the first time I had ever been totally alone on acid, I always do this sort of stuff with a few buddies. After a little inward reflection I experienced what has been called "ego death". Within some period of time I was seeing myself as probably the most vile, disgusting human being on the face of the earth. I remember waiting for a spirit to come and kill me, only to realize that I was in fact being told BY the spirit that he would kill me, which then even further clarified that I wasn't communicating with the spirit I was communicating with myself, and that I was the spirit. Having that cleared up, all I needed to do was get my consciousness out of my body so I could leave the vile, disgusting life that I had taken part in over the years and prevent humanity from having to deal with my pathetic and horrible existence.
well withdrawing from amphetamines is the only thing worse than that experience.
my dad came home, said I looked horrible. I told him it mists be allergies (puffy, bloodshot eyes). he gave me some allergy med, I cheeked it and spat it out later. The last thing I wanted at that point was another manufactured substance in my body.
herbal tea and acid jazz got me thought the rest of the day. I slept until noon on Sunday. I never touched the pills until exam week, in which case I took 20mg morning of and nothing else. I did fairly well, although I failed to retain anything I studied on Friday.
[MOST RECENT EXPERIENCE]
now we enter yesterday’s experience. It has been three weeks since I took my exams. I had used amphetamines one other time since then, mainly out of boredom and to gain more perspective on my previous experience and see how the effects would change when I had taken a break. My motivation for speeding this time was to complete about 45 tiny assignments the government had deemed necessary. They call it the "Grad transition program". Assignments are extremely easy, generally fit somewhere between "write 10 things you are good at", "show how you have used art in your life" and "write a fake interview between yourself and the owner of a fast food restaurant". I have neglected these for nearly two years, and I needed to hand them it to the school counselor the very next day (this is the day I write this, actually). Amphetamines are definitely for sure the perfect drug for this task. Simple, uninteresting tasks. A full day with nothing else to do. I've well rested, in a great mood and everything else seems to be taking shape. Even better, the wheather is absolutely supah fantastic and this puts me in an even better mood. It is 10:30 in the morning, I have eaten pancakes and showered. I parachute 10mg of Dexedrine and start tidying up the kitchen.
this whole "parachuting" concept is pretty effective. by the time I’ve finished washing my dishes I’m already feeling the body tingles, and feel full of energy. While I dry and put away washed dishes I listen to a couple of new ninjatune albums I just got in the mail. I'm feeling pretty good. Once the kitchen is finished I’m still in a bit of a clean mode, and just when I’m about to vacuum the living room I get a call from my girlfriend. She comments on my particularly cheerful mood, and it’s at this point that I realize that I’m actually feeling. well... super happy while on speed. This hasn’t' happened to me before, not to this extent. I blame this on the change in my setting and mood compared with other experiences. Currently I’m just at home packing up my things and preparing to go back to the town I love, no stress of school, money or anything else that’s usually bothering me. All the plans I made and goals I’ve been working toward since September have been achieved, now I’m high on speed and talking to my girlfriend. A cause for happiness. [and I will note now, that I am still pretty reluctant to admit how much of that mood could have been because of the drugs].
Once I’m done on the phone, I decide to make the best of my mood and take my camera out for the mission I’ve been intending too for a while. Unfortunately I guess photography and speed don't go together as well as I had hoped. It seemed like I’d be jumping in and preparing for the shot before I’d even chosen a subject or even to create some kind of composure. Regardless, all my shots turned out like tourist cell phone snapshots, only 8 mega pixel. Not entirely given up on my photo mission I decide to dedicate more of my time towards doing the post-processing on some untouched RAW files I have to go through. Unlike my previous effort THIS actually worked quite well. I managed to get about 20 pictures that I had decided were failed and make them look presentable, probably about 7 of them that I am really fond of. Oddly enough I broke my standard of not over-editing photos, and most of these have some pretty heavy digital modification to them. I suppose it makes sense, considering the reason I threw them away in the first place was because I hadn't been able to get anything nice out of them with my standard editing methods, however I still find it quite odd that something I struggled with previously seemed to just kind of "fall into place" while speeding. I’ll have to debate the artistic merits of amphetamines at a later date, because HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK ITS ALREADY FOUR FUCKING PM. WHERE DID ALL THE TIME GOES? WHAT THE HELL?
okay, so did what I knew I shouldn’t' have. I got sidetracked. all day. Now is the time to start on my graduation transitions. I start powering through assignment after assignment, opting to type the questions and answers on the computer instead of filling in the blanks. After the first six or seven assignments (that happen to be quite small) I really start to get into it. I find myself having to stop and make sure I’m not over answering. Even on a few questions I wrote over 200 words for a four sentence answer. My English is still pretty solid and I’ve managed to stray away from rambling like one tends to do on decks. (speaking of which... I’m starting to realize I’m probably still under the influence. seems a little late to notice now.. back to this later). I have to break at 6 because I figured I should make some kind of dinner since my dad won't be home until like 9 and my sisters are probably bit chin hungry. I get back to homework around 9 (yeah, more girlfriend and the tail end of a CSI episode). I probably should have had some food or something, but I’m really starting to feel like the "appetite suppressant" effects of this drug are a lot more like appetite genocide. Even swallowing food tends to make me feel like I should gag or something. (no, not because of my cooking you jackasses).
I re-dosed, but ate the capsule for long lasting effects
day so far so good. tons of work done on assignments although I stopped once again to give a long rant about the existence of "personality disorders" that this drugs is supposed to treat. and to make plans with a few buddies for the weekend I’m back in town. Actually, I started debating if I even want to return to the same cycle of drug use that I had previously. Now that I think about it, amps really tend to kill any desire I have to alter my consciousness while I’m on them.
This is basically the peak of all this goodness I’d experienced. After some more assignment sessions (and an increasing tendency to ramble) I had completed over three quarters of what I wanted done, and it is now past midnight. Unfortunately the last thing I had just worked on is a total disaster. The questions I thought I had done well on really failed to make any point at all, and were borderline as far as coherency is concerned. Very borderline. Looking back over my work, I can clearly see my thought process and the points I’d want to make, however I always seemed to over think before I wrote. For example, I had to explain why I wanted to work for the specific company chosen in a mock interview. The point I wanted to make was that the type of work offered by their company is more involving and diverse than they average tech job. Then I was thinking to back it up by saying that corporate customers needed very specific computer systems but the average consumer wanted just a basic system. In the end, my answer wound up to be something about how the computers that people own are all basically the same except for a couple minor changes. But stretch that over 300 words. I was fucking out of it and I didn't realize it.
By that point no matter how hard I tried I was unable to take my thoughts and convert them into a logical argument, never mind putting that argument onto paper. Too much, too late. I checked my pulse, still elevated. Pupils dilated.
I condemned myself to a night of chilling in the blue light IRC and getting made fun of for being a knob. Oddly enough, I took great pleasure in talking about living in Canada, running a business, coming down off amphetamines and a bazillion other things. It was just the homework that killed me. My theory is that chatting on IRC is just recalling my own experiences, where as doing the work was mostly just a bunch of bullshit so I could look intelligent. I did not sleep at all that night, didn't really try either.
okay, gotta close this up. In retrospect I think this drug is way more powerful than I gave it credit for. Unlike other things I’ve experienced, the changes I feel under the influence are subtle enough that I have to look for them. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m still speeding right now and for whatever reason I didn't notice until this report went over 3000 words. If I can learn to stop being so impulsive with my doses I can put this to much better use when I need it. Really, I think the biggest put off for me is just how much my personality changes on amps. I mean reading back over some of this writing (keep in mind I just started and never stopped for a couple hours)... well let’s just say I’m acting a lot different then I usually do. Plus, I generally think of myself as a pretty confident writer. Most of this stuff looks a little forced, and I can definitely tell where I stumble. Hers some cool notes below in case I come back later and realize everything above makes no sense.
[CLIFF NOTES FOR PEOPLE WHO DONT HAVE 4 HOURS]
CLIFF NOTES:
First dex experiment:
20mg (2 x 10mg spansules) daily monday through friday to study for exams.
sleep patters okay, dosed at 7 AM. First time dose (monday) taken at noon, unable to sleep that night. Attempted to pull amp fueled all nighter on friday, encountered severe crash. Desired effects no longer obtained from drug even after repeated dosing.
second dex experience:
20mgs morning before exam, highly effective. slight dificulty falling asleep.
minor withdrawl effects day after using, mostly attributed to lack of nutrition and poor quality of sleep
third dex experience:
taken in a much more relaxed setting with no major stresses or overly important tasks. 20mg taken orally (parachute) mid morning. Staggared all doses. Highly euphoric, quickly sidetracked. Attempted and failed outdoor photography, great sucess when editing old photos. Easily lost track of time. Worked on objective (papers) without much effort being required. All work completed between 12:30 and 1:00 am totally useless and incoherent. due to repeated dosing over the course of the afternoon, unable to sleep. Was happy to spend night on IRC.
substancecode_amphetamines
substancecode_dextroamphetamine
substancecode_pharms
substancecode_Dexedrine
categorycode_solo
categorycode_indoors
categorycode_recreational
categorycode_therapeutic
categorycode_positive
explevel_experienced
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