A
anonymo
Guest
* I suggest putting this in The Dark Side, mods. Thank you very kindly.
I have had a bad experience today. I'm coming down on my suboxone, went from 4 to 3mg last Wednesday, last couple days were much worse WDs than I expected [basically like methadone except maybe much more mental/depressing, but much less physical] and I relapsed today. Yesterday, against my better judgment, I went to this "hippy house" that hosts open mic parties, usually there's only pot there, but there are bad elements as in all art communities. Well yesterday there were these guys I was really relating to, talking with, they were really cool. We all had "something" in common. Then it slowly came out that they were all into heroin/crack etc., one of those "normal looking" nerd junkies like me. That coupled with the WDs and the unraveling of my mind due to mental health, isolation, social anxiety/paranoia, and an increasingly hostile world as we all see, have contributed to this. Addiction is rising and I used this as a justification. But what else can I do if sobriety is barely constructive. It's all for "me me me". There is no society to even reintegrate into. I feel like the world itself is the problem... as if we're all these junkies that just depend, depend and use, use. I certainly know that my mom is the only human being, and this new friend I made this year, that actually give a rat's ass about me in the slightest.
Simply put, I just love drugs, and hate life. When I got clean [the whole time was miserable and I "replaced" opiates with other very bad non-chemical habits which I will not go into]. Even after 2 years clean, the only person to even get in touch with me from my family was my mother. She is my only family support but she is overburdened, because all the others are emotionally unhealthy/self-centred and she is the only "Heart". It's too much for her, she's been through enough. I can't "rely" on her like that anymore, it's not fair to her. I'm almost 28 now, not the selfish 23 year old I was when I first put the needle in my vein.
I need to talk about it with someone since I have no one I can trust on hand. The WDs were a lot worse than I expected. and like everyone said suboxone/methadone is just a "pause" button and when you "un-pause" it, the movie keeps playing back where it was stopped. So my junky mind came unraveling all over again [intense dreams, conflicting personalities within me, unholy paradigms and paranoid fantasies]. I thought "women" or sex would be a replacement for opiates, but it is also poisonous if "abused". I feel like my life is doomed. I just can't see myself getting clean, my recovery has been very fragile. It's been almost 5 years since I first got "addicted", the last 2 years were 99% clean [with one 3-day relapse last fall] but on the damn suboxone, which isn't being clean really. It is a lot like methadone, just a pause button, a lot less severe WDs but also bad.
I mean sure I accomplished many things in the last year, finishing my 3rd year of uni, building at least one solid relationship with another human being, a platonic friendship, but love is too dangerous for me now I think. I don't even know. In the eyes of my family I would be hopeless. They think like most non-addicts, they you're either "okay" or you're "not okay" so they just keep saying You're doing great, with no real understanding that the disease continues even without active addiction.
I don't even know what to feel, if anything. I knew waaay in advance that if I relapsed again, this time, it would be of course worse than ever [as it always is] but I somehow don't "Care." because the "disease" is so strong. I feel like the society [Canadian] is so tolerant I have infinite chances to fuck around anyway. If there is no one in my life I CARE about, since I am so selfish, and everyone else is really, then what difference does it make... like they say YOU need to be the one to want to stop. And I think ultimately I got clean mainly for others, and for my future [but now that things are going well, I felt "allowed" to relapse].
Sorry for the extremely pointlessly long post. it's the same old same old. What a path I have chosen. So few recover. If any. You can have 10-20 yrs sober then relapse. Because it so pleasurable an the memories don't fade, they're burned into my neurology.
I have had a bad experience today. I'm coming down on my suboxone, went from 4 to 3mg last Wednesday, last couple days were much worse WDs than I expected [basically like methadone except maybe much more mental/depressing, but much less physical] and I relapsed today. Yesterday, against my better judgment, I went to this "hippy house" that hosts open mic parties, usually there's only pot there, but there are bad elements as in all art communities. Well yesterday there were these guys I was really relating to, talking with, they were really cool. We all had "something" in common. Then it slowly came out that they were all into heroin/crack etc., one of those "normal looking" nerd junkies like me. That coupled with the WDs and the unraveling of my mind due to mental health, isolation, social anxiety/paranoia, and an increasingly hostile world as we all see, have contributed to this. Addiction is rising and I used this as a justification. But what else can I do if sobriety is barely constructive. It's all for "me me me". There is no society to even reintegrate into. I feel like the world itself is the problem... as if we're all these junkies that just depend, depend and use, use. I certainly know that my mom is the only human being, and this new friend I made this year, that actually give a rat's ass about me in the slightest.
Simply put, I just love drugs, and hate life. When I got clean [the whole time was miserable and I "replaced" opiates with other very bad non-chemical habits which I will not go into]. Even after 2 years clean, the only person to even get in touch with me from my family was my mother. She is my only family support but she is overburdened, because all the others are emotionally unhealthy/self-centred and she is the only "Heart". It's too much for her, she's been through enough. I can't "rely" on her like that anymore, it's not fair to her. I'm almost 28 now, not the selfish 23 year old I was when I first put the needle in my vein.
I need to talk about it with someone since I have no one I can trust on hand. The WDs were a lot worse than I expected. and like everyone said suboxone/methadone is just a "pause" button and when you "un-pause" it, the movie keeps playing back where it was stopped. So my junky mind came unraveling all over again [intense dreams, conflicting personalities within me, unholy paradigms and paranoid fantasies]. I thought "women" or sex would be a replacement for opiates, but it is also poisonous if "abused". I feel like my life is doomed. I just can't see myself getting clean, my recovery has been very fragile. It's been almost 5 years since I first got "addicted", the last 2 years were 99% clean [with one 3-day relapse last fall] but on the damn suboxone, which isn't being clean really. It is a lot like methadone, just a pause button, a lot less severe WDs but also bad.
I mean sure I accomplished many things in the last year, finishing my 3rd year of uni, building at least one solid relationship with another human being, a platonic friendship, but love is too dangerous for me now I think. I don't even know. In the eyes of my family I would be hopeless. They think like most non-addicts, they you're either "okay" or you're "not okay" so they just keep saying You're doing great, with no real understanding that the disease continues even without active addiction.
I don't even know what to feel, if anything. I knew waaay in advance that if I relapsed again, this time, it would be of course worse than ever [as it always is] but I somehow don't "Care." because the "disease" is so strong. I feel like the society [Canadian] is so tolerant I have infinite chances to fuck around anyway. If there is no one in my life I CARE about, since I am so selfish, and everyone else is really, then what difference does it make... like they say YOU need to be the one to want to stop. And I think ultimately I got clean mainly for others, and for my future [but now that things are going well, I felt "allowed" to relapse].
Sorry for the extremely pointlessly long post. it's the same old same old. What a path I have chosen. So few recover. If any. You can have 10-20 yrs sober then relapse. Because it so pleasurable an the memories don't fade, they're burned into my neurology.
